Delphi Works of Ford Madox Ford (Illustrated) (25 page)

But the King did not take any notice, and as soon as he could make himself heard, he said:

‘Ah! and what is this?’

‘It is the breakfast, your Majesty,’ said the butler.

‘Yes, I can see that,’ said the King. ‘But what is the dish called?’

‘Oh, the dish, your Majesty,’ said the butler apologetically. ‘It’s the ordinary silver dish that your Majesty has with the breakfast. I think it’s the fiddle pattern — no, that’s for spoons; but—’

‘You’re an ass,’ said the King, interrupting him angrily.

‘Thank you, your Majesty. Anything else?’

‘Send for the cook.’

‘Yes, your Majesty. Anything else?’

‘Yes; go away, and don’t come back.’

‘Yes, your Majesty. You’re quite sure there’s nothing—’

‘If you don’t go,’ said the King threateningly. But he had gone.

In a few minutes heavy footsteps were heard outside, and the door burst open violently, and a very fat person entered. She seemed a perfect mass of blacking and dust.

‘Who are you?’ said the King in astonishment.

‘I am the lady that does the cooking for you,’ said the cook solemnly.

‘Oh, you are,’ said the King; ‘and will your ladyship allow me to ask what that is?’ and he pointed to the breakfast.

The cook went forward and, taking a fork from the table, tried to pick the breakfast up, but it slid off the fork;
so, without more ado, she took it up in her fingers and examined it carefully, as if to see that it had not changed since she sent it up. When she had done, she looked up and said:

‘Why, it’s as nice an egg as can be bought for money, only it’s a bit addled; and I dropped it in the blacking, but I wiped it on my own apron — look there.’

And she lifted up her apron to look at; and it certainly looked as if a good many eggs had been wiped on it.

However, the King did not notice that.

‘Oh, it’s an egg, is it?’ he said; ‘I didn’t know. I thought it was a piece of coal, and—’

But at this point the cook broke in.

‘Call my eggs a coal! It’s a crying shame! You ought to be ashamed of yourself, an old man like you, too. Here have I been working for three hours this very morning at that egg, and he calls it a coal; and me that plagued too with demons! Why, only this morning one of ‘em came and banged at the door so hard that it broke, and then it came in. It was a blue one, with red eyes and a long green tail with a fork at the end; and it stuck the fork in the egg, and then put the egg in the blacking and threw it all over the kitchen; and then it kicked the blacking pot over and flew out at the door before I could say “Gemini”; and I saw it with my own eyes, and it was as ugly a little—’

But this was more than the Princess could stand.

‘Oh, what a — an untruth that is! Look at me. Am I a blue demon with red eyes and a tail?’

But the cook was
off
again.

‘Oh, it was you, was it? And you ought to be ashamed of yo
urself,
a-frightening a poor lone-lorn woman. Call yourself a Princess? I call you a—’

This was too much for the King. ‘That is enough,’ he said. ‘Take a month’s warning.’

To which the cook replied contemptuously:

‘You give
me
a month’s warning? Not a bit of it. I give you a minute’s warning! it’s quite enough for the likes of you.’

‘Oh, very well,’ said the King. ‘Of course, if you go off without warning, I don’t pay your month’s wages.’

‘Call yourself a King?’ roared the cook. ‘Why, you’re meaner than—’

‘I don’t know what I call myself,’ said the King mildly, ‘but if you don’t go I’ll call a policeman and have your head cut off instead of your wages.’

But the cook was not to be daunted.

‘That’s what the likes of you does with your old and faithful servants. Here have I been, day in, day out, work, work, work, like a nigger slave- driver, and this is my reward!’

The King did not listen to the rest. He beckoned to one of the pages and said:

‘Just run and bring a sack and throw it over her head. Be quick!’ The page left the room.

‘There you go,’ said the irrepressible cook. ‘That’s it, send for the police, ye oppressors of the poor. Ugh!’

And she began a fresh volley of abuse. She seemed as if she would never lose her breath. But after a few minutes — it seemed ages to the unfortunate King — the page returned; and although he did not enter very quietly, yet the cook was making such a noise that she did not hear him, and the page, who seemed to enter entirely into the spirit of the thing, dropped the sack quietly over her head, and stopped her flow of language.

‘Now, take her outside and put her out at the back door, and mind and shut the door securely after her,’ remarked the King, with a sigh of relief.

Six of the pages immediately caught hold of her and dragged her out, and the other six were about to follow to see the sport when the King stopped them.

‘Can any one of you cook at all?’ he said.

One of the pages stood out and professed to be able to do a little in that way.

‘Well, then,’ said the King decidedly, ‘all six of you go to the kitchen and see what you can find there; and mind you, if I don’t have a breakfast in five minutes, I’ll — well, I’
ll
see about it.’

When the pages had gone, he turned to the Princess and said:

‘That’s what I always have to put up with. Only the other day the man who cleans the library windows flung his towel in my face and refused to work any more for me, and all because I told him that his coat wasn’t in the fashion.’

‘But wasn’t that rather an unwise proceeding, papa?’ asked Ernalie, dubiously.

‘Do you think so?’ asked the King.

‘If I said that the cut of your dress was rather outlandish — and it is, by the bye — you wouldn’t fling something at me, would you?’

‘No; but then I’m your dutiful daughter, you see.’

‘Well, but he ought to be my dutiful son, for I’m the father of my country.’

‘Well, but then, you see, sons are not always dutiful — daughters always are.’

‘Or they ought to be,’ said his Majesty.

‘It’s the same thing, isn’t it?’

‘Do you think so?’ said the King, in a tone that showed he doubted it.

Just at this moment the pages entered, bringing the breakfast; and they sat down to it.

I needn’t say it was much better than the first one, although I don’t remember exactly what it consisted of; however, they did good justice to it, for Ernalie was rather hungry.

Just as they had finished, the King threw down his knife and fork and looked as if he had just remembered something dreadful.

‘What
is
the matter, papa?’ asked the Princess in alarm.

And the King burst out:

‘There, now! I knew I’d forgotten something!’ he said. ‘Run out, all six of you,’ he went on, addressing the pages, ‘and set the joy-bells pealing, and send messengers throughout the land. Quick!’

But when they had gone, he calmed down and said:

‘Now, Ernalie, tell me where you’ve been.’

So she began and told it all through, and the King listened quietly till she had finished. Then he said:

‘Ah! You’ve had some wonderful adventures, and you’ve come back safe out of them — only, I should very much like to see this wonderful feather.’

So the Princess showed him the feather in her hat, which she had laid on a chair; the King looked at it very carefully, and then he said:

‘H’m. Looks a very ordinary feather. How does it work? I should like to see.’

‘You won’t see much,’ said the Princess with a smile, as she put it on and vanished.

The King looked astonished.

‘Why, where are you?’ he said.

‘I’m just where I was before, papa,’ answered the Princess.

‘But I don’t believe it,’ the King said, and he looked under the table.

‘You’ve hidden yourself behind something — or some other trick.’

He was rather too startled to think of what his words meant exactly.

‘You are a sceptical old papa for any one to have to do with; but I’ll soon prove it to you.’

And she walked quietly behind his chair, and blew in his ear, which was a rather rude thing to do, on the whole.

‘Perhaps that will blow the disbelief out of your head,’ she said, laughing to see how her unfortunate father shook his head in surprise.

‘Oh yes,’ he replied, ‘I’m quite convinced, and I don’t need any more; and I’d much rather see what you’re up to, so just take the feather off, there’s a good girl.’

And the Princess did as she was told, and the King said:

‘Ah! there you are. Don’t put it on again; I’ve had quite enough of it. Now I can understand how it was that you did it all. But I can’t understand why you didn’t let the young man save himself. You might just as well have lent him the feather, and let him go and get drowned.’

‘But I didn’t want him to get drowned,’ said the Princess.

‘Why not?’ said the King.

‘Because his father and mother took me in, and saved me from Wopole, and it wouldn’t have been a great return for their kindness to let their only son be killed, and besides I—’ But her Royal Highness stopped.

‘You what?’ said her father.

‘I mean he—’ and she stopped again.

‘Oh, it’s him this time, is it? What’s the matter with you?’ he said in astonishment. ‘You don’t mean to say that you’re in love with one another? Now I call that too bad. Here have I promised you to three dukes, and you’ve gone and fallen in love with a Prince. Now I shall have no end of a nuisance with them.’

‘I won’t marry them, at any rate,’ said Ernalie energetically.

‘I don’t want you to marry
them
— one’s quite enough at a time.’

‘But I won’t marry one of them, and I’m the principal person concerned.

And the Princess began to cry, and that of course softened the heart of her father.

‘There, there,’ he said, as if he were soothing a baby. ‘Don’t cry; you shall marry the Prince, if you can get him — only it’s rather awkward for me. I can’t tell the dukes that you’re engaged to a Prince that can’t be got at. I’m afraid the only thing to do will be to have all their heads cut off. That’ll keep them quiet, at any rate. If I were you I’d send this young man a letter to tell him where you are.’

‘But I’m afraid it wouldn’t reach him,’ said the Princess.

‘Then I don’t see what’s to be done,’ said the King perplexedly.

‘However, I shall give a grand ball to-morrow, and if I were you I should go and have a dress made at once. Send for the Court dressmaker, and tell her that if the dress isn’t ready by then you’ll turn her out of her place; and then when you’ve done that go into the library, and take a book and read. I’ve got a whole lot of work to do this morning; but I shall have finished by one, and then I shall have the day to myself.’