Denial (5 page)

He drops the bags and places his hands on both sides of my face. They feel so cool against my hot cheeks as his eyes are study mine. I think he’s about to kiss me when he leans closer, but instead he just presses his lips against my forehead.

“We’re leaving, Maya.”

His arm snakes around my waist, dragging me towards my car as I choke on my breath and tears fill my eyes. I have to get out of here, I don’t want her to see me. Would she even recognize me? My picture is next to
Luke’s bed. Does he get rid of it when he has her over or do they go to her place? Maybe they meet at one of those clubs Isaac was talking about. He probably shows her off at these parties all the time. I will never, ever be able to look like that, there isn’t enough plastic surgery in the world. This is pointless. I’ll never be enough.

“Isaac!” someone shouts behind us. Isaac tenses up.

“Keep walking,” he whispers, quickening our pace.

“He was fucking talking to you,” a guy laughs as he steps in front of us.

We stop about halfway between the sex dungeon masquerading as a home and our escape. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up as I take in the sneer crossing the face of the young man blocking our path. He doesn’t look that much different from any of the arrogant frat guys I avoid on campus, but in this setting it’s significantly more intimidating. The fact that more of them are surrounding us probably doesn’t help. The scary sex master pulls me closer to his body, but seems more annoyed than concerned.

“I’m on the clock here, Tom. I don’t have time for this,” Isaac says coolly.

“On the clock? I heard she didn’t show up last night.”

Last night? “There was a miscommunication. One that does not concern you in the slightest.”

“Bullshit. That doesn’t look like one of Luke’s toys.” If I wasn’t so on edge right now, I’d probably be offended, maybe even jealous. “That looks like a party favor you’re supposed to sharing.”

Isaac’s laugh isn’t exactly comforting. “I don’t have to share. Are you forgetting who you’re talking to?”

“I’m talking to someone that doesn’t realize that things are changing.”

“Some things never change, Tom. I don’t have time to put you in your place.”

“You think you can put me in my place, huh? Do you have
time
to put us all in our place?” he taunts. At least a dozen laughs erupt from the guys around us and my knees wobble.

He told me to avoid eye contact and it’s a lot easier than I thought it would be, but I can’t help but glance up. They are getting closer. Isaac’s fingers on my waist tighten, his thumb stroking me through the jacket I have pulled tightly around my body.

“You’re okay,” he whispers.

“No, she’s not,” a voice
laughs from behind me.

The warmth of Isaac’s arms leave me shivering as he whirls around. I turn with him, my jaw dropping at the sight of his hand wrapped around the wrist of someone standing much closer than I’d realized. Was he going to grab me?

“You lay a finger on her and I will destroy you,” Isaac snarls. He twists the guy’s arm until I hear a snap and a howl.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Tom shouts, lunging at us. Isaac pulls me with him as he deftly steps aside. The brute tumbles into the arms of another and spins to face us, his eyes filled with rage. “Think you can take me?”

“Think I’d risk damaging my hands on your thick skull when all I have to do is make a phone call?” Isaac laughs.

“He has a lot more friends in this crowd than you do, Tom.”

An apparent ally steps forward from the crowd of people I didn’t realize were circling us. So much for making it to my car unnoticed. Isaac’s friend is nearly as tall as him and similarly dressed. His eyebrows raise when we make eye contact and he gives me a small smile.

“Thank you for reminding them, Diego, but you won’t have to waste your time. This is over.”

I’m expecting him to push his way through the crowd, but instead he pulls out his phone.

“You’d better be calling me,” a woman’s voice calls out.

The crowd parts, making way for her and the young man whose arm is linked with hers. “Miranda.” Isaac nods, putting his phone away.

“Isaac,” she grins at him, nodding back. “You said he wasn’t going to be here,” she snaps at her date.

“He told me he was spending a week with Sloane if Luke’s girl didn’t show up last night. She didn’t.”

“Hello Preston. Nice party.”

“Isaac, I…” he stammers.

“No need to explain. It’s as much your house as it is mine. Obviously you’ve cleared this with our father,” Isaac says, glancing toward Miranda.

“But you said—”

“I made a mistake. It was tonight. She is here and we are leaving. Have a good night.”

“You don’t make mistakes, Isaac,” Miranda laughs, stepping forward and running her fingers along Isaac’s jaw. She looks a lot like him. Tall, tanned, gorgeous, with dark hair and shockingly bright green eyes. But she is probably only in her late thirties, so not old enough to be his mother and too old to be his sister.

“There is a first time for everything.”

“Get her out of here,” she whispers into his ear so quietly that only we can hear. “She is not supposed to be seeing any of this.”

“Huh?”

“Didn’t your father tell you? She is Luke’s
real
girlfriend. You better read up before you do anything to her.” Isaac looks flabbergasted for a moment, then his face hardens. “And what the hell do you think you’re doing, Tom?” Miranda exclaims theatrically, leaving us. The goon doesn’t answer, his eyes glued to the grass.

“I’m sorry, but I think I might have broken one of your toys, Miranda,” Isaac says, taking a step towards my car. “You should get his wrist looked at.”

“Not a problem, dear. Enjoy your evening.”

The crowd’s attention turns toward the verbal thrashing Miranda is giving her boy toys. I let out a sigh of relief as we start moving toward the car. My heart drops when we stop, Isaac leaning into his brother and whispering, “Is this really what you want?” He doesn’t answer, looking down. “Be careful. You can’t trust any of them.”

“I know.”

Isaac pats his brother on the shoulder and turns us.
They don’t look alike at all. Another hundred feet or so and we will be off this debaucherous property and into the safety of my car. We walk briskly through the crowd of leather and vinyl clad masked partygoers that don’t give us a second glance as my racing heart slows. As we reach the edge, a few of those creepy horse dudes move aside and my eyes fix on pair or stripper heels that I’ve seen before.

As much as I try to resist, I lift my gaze and meet hers.
Christina. And she definitely recognizes me. Her eyes flick down to the platinum diamond studded heart pendant resting on top of the knot in my throat and then back to mine. I don’t think anyone has ever looked at me so hatefully. I’m dumbstruck, my mind conjuring up an image of her writhing beneath Luke. I bet her boobs don’t disappear when she lays down like mine do.

“I do not have the patience for a fucking catfight right now.
Move
,” Isaac orders.

She steps aside and I somehow manage to keep from bursting into tears until Isaac opens the passenger door of my car and lets me in. I sob loudly in the few seconds of solitude before he climbs in next to me.

“Maya, I—”

“Please just take me away from here,” I weep. He nods, his eyes remorseful as he reaches toward the seatbelt to buckle me in. I recoil before he makes contact with my face. “Please.”

“Okay,” he says softly. “Maya, nothing would have happened either way, but… I had no idea there was even a remote possibility of those guys were showing up. I never would have—”

“It’s fine,” I interrupt him. He draws in a quick, frustrated breath and remember what I’m doing. “Sorry,” I peep.

“I said not to worry about it, and I meant it.” We drive for a few minutes in silence, except for the sound of the crying I’m struggling to control. “Maya, I’m sorry for putting you through that nightmare but, thank you. Very much.”

“You’re welcome,” I sniffle, kicking off these stupid heels and drawing my knees to my chest, breaking my own rule of no feet on the seats. I sincerely hope that picture was worth it and suspect it was as I peek over at him gripping the steering wheel.

316470269330… They talk every day, but I wonder how often they go out. 255923143… I can’t shake this image of them having sex out of my head. 4537239493375… She’ probably so much better at this stuff than I am. Maybe that the only reason he wants her… 160541061883... no, that’s not right, 618847526… Does he care about her? Do they cuddle afterwards? 464414010, no 030… then what? This isn’t working, I can’t escape my own head. Luke loves me. He might fuck her, but he loves me.

These are the first tears I’ve shed over his other life since I came to grips with it and this is not the night to regress, especially outwardly, yet here I am sniffling. Isaac looks at me out of the corner of his eye but thankfully doesn’t say anything.
My reaction to seeing Christina confuses me because up until tonight, I’ve actually made peace with my arrangement with Luke. True, soul-comforting, relationship-salvaging peace, or so I thought. I thought I was over the random bouts of crying. The sneaker waves of nausea. The emptiness that gnaws through my chest every time I can’t control my thoughts, like right now.

***********

“Are you going to leave me?” Luke asked while we were sitting in his living room about to go to dinner.

“I don’t think so.”

“Do you hate me?”

“No.” It was true. I hope it still is.

“We need to talk about what happened.”

“No, we don’t. I’m not stupid. This is real life, not a
stupid Disney movie. Prince Charming always had a piece on the side anyway, they just don’t show that part of happily ever after.”

He was quiet for a few seconds. “So you’re fine with it?”

“No, Luke, I’m not fine with it. If I think about it too much, I feel like my heart is going to explode. So I don’t. Let’s just go back to pretending it never happened. Happens. Which is what I’ve been doing since we’ve met.”

“I didn’t fuck her.”

Yes, you did.
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll look the other way, but not when you throw it in my face.”

“I’m truly sorry about my lack of discretion. Nothing like that will ever happen again, I swear.”

“If it ever does again, I’m gone Luke. No more chances. I’m serious.” I wasn’t.

“I know. But I’m not going to lie to you anymore.”

“What if that’s what I need you to do? I mean, not all the time, but concerning… you know,” I started stammering. I couldn’t even say it. “Them. If I can pretend it isn’t happening, why can’t you?”

“Is that what you need?”

“I think it could work. I think it’s the only way I’ll ever be able to make something like this work.”

“If that’s really what you want from me, I can give you that. And more.”

I started crying, I couldn’t stop myself. His arms were around me in a second. “There’s just one thing that I have to know.”

“Anything, Maya. Anything.”

“Is there someone else?” He looked at me with confused eyes because obviously there was. “I mean, anyone else like me. Someone you take to the country club, to visit your parents. Anyone official that I don’t know about.”

“No,” he answered in a split second, as if he was surprised that I would even ask. “Absolutely not. You are the only person that has ever made me feel this way.” He placed my hand over his heart. “This part of me is yours. Only yours.”

“So it’s just sex?” I cringed as I visualized the look on his face as he slid into another woman as his hands roamed her body.

“That’s all it is. That’s all it ever was until I met you. That’s all it ever will be unless it’s with you. And it will never be in your face like that again.”

In that moment I made my peace, because I’ve had sex like that. It was just sex, purely carnal satisfaction, though satisfaction was never guaranteed. Perhaps in the future, a future he seems to want just like I do, I’ll be having meaningless sex on the side too. That’s always what I pictured. Because it isn’t the 1950’s and I am not going to be an oblivious housewife.

“It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you, Maya. Because I do.”

“Really?” He’d never said it before.

“Yes.” He let out an awkward combination of a sigh and a laugh. His expression was so vulnerable. “I love you so much. I let it go too long and I
can’t
lose you now. I’ll do anything I can to make you happy.”

Except the one thing that really would make me happy. “I love you too,
Luke.”

I did. I meant it. I may have even felt it. We never made it to that fancy restaurant because we were too busy having the best sex I’ve ever had. I let him do whatever he wanted to me and it was incredible. All night long.

We rode that wave, and each other, for a few months. It was fantastic until it wasn’t anymore. Because as much as I like rough, dirty sex, and I do, it turns out that Luke likes it quite a bit rougher, and a whole lot dirtier. He needs something that I can’t give him. He’s going to get it elsewhere, which is fine, especially for some of that shit, but that means we’ll spend less time together. If I can learn to like more of it, not just tolerate it, but actually like it, then he can get it from me instead of... them.