Desert Gift (23 page)

She smiled and breathed out a thank-you. A handshake didn’t feel like enough. Jill closed the distance between them and they exchanged a quick hug. “Good-bye, Ticonderoga.”

He laughed at the old nickname.

She walked away, toward the street, much lighter than she had felt a short time before.

Maybe the banter the other day with Viv about rehab and addiction had not been a joke. Whatever her problem, Jill was apparently engaged in one of the twelve steps—the one about making amends.

She had never regretted leaving Ty or Sweetwater Springs, but she had regretted her despicable behavior toward him. In high school they were best friends as well as romantically attracted to each other. She wore his ring; he wore hers on a chain around his neck. They attended every homecoming and prom together. Everyone believed they would marry. Then she left without a backward glance, lumping her boyfriend in with everything else she did not like about Sweetwater.

Halfway to the street she stopped and turned. Like her dad would have done, Ty chatted with a driver at the self-serve pump. He probably even washed windshields for pretty women who smiled at him.

He was a good guy. He seemed happy.

Jack would probably be happy too without a wife around.

* * *

“Pops—” Jill crouched near the shiny red sports car and talked to her dad’s legs protruding from beneath it—“I need my phone.”

“Hold your horses. Be out in a sec.”

She glanced at her wrist for the watch that wasn’t there and rubbed the skin. It itched for the feel of a stretchy gold and silver band. After her awful conversation with Jack Sunday night about Connor’s wedding, she cried to her parents only to find out they already knew. Connor had sworn them to secrecy because he wanted to be the one to give the happy news to his parents.

She’d stolen that from her son.

She whined her remorse to her dad until he threatened to escort her straight back to Chicago if she didn’t give him her phone and watch and
be still
. She relinquished her things but could not physically be still. For the next three days she moved, spending hours on the trails, walking and jogging, dodging hikers, stones, lizards, and one time, a rattlesnake.

Eventually a stillness crept in.

“Pops, please.”

Skip rolled out on his creeper from beneath the car and sat up. “Hair looks good.”

“Thanks.” She sat on the concrete floor. “The Carlson twins send their love.”

He wiped a kerchief across his face, smearing a grimy streak. “So you think you’re ready for the phone?”

“Yes, sir.”

He closed one eye.

Jill smiled at his puzzlement. “Yes, Sergeant.”

“Oh, come on. I wasn’t that bad.”

“No, sir.” She laughed.

“Stop.”

“Yes, sir.” She saluted him military-style. “Anyway, I want to call Connor.”

“Okaaay.” He paused. “What if he doesn’t answer?”

Her grin faded and she took a deep breath. “No problem. I’m apologizing. Voice mail works.”

“You told me you already did that.”

“Pops, can we do this without the devil’s advocate?”

Now he smiled. “Nope.”

“I wasn’t sincere before. I mean, I meant it, but I didn’t really embrace the whole picture.” She bit her lip, hoping to avoid further explanation.

“You mean you didn’t confess to the whole mothering issue.”

Why did she think her dad missed any detail? She shrugged.

“Darlin’, I know you did not want more babies after Connor. I suspect you weren’t so crazy about having even one. The main reason you would feel that way is fear. What if you were unable to nurture him? Your own mother didn’t do so hot with you and Vivvie.”

“Pops, I don’t want to blame Mom.”

“You’re not. It’s just the truth and she admits it. It’s too bad, but that’s just the way life was. I could see it way back when, her hesitancy, her withdrawal from you girls. Not much a dad can do except fill in the gaps as best he can.” He grinned. “I wasn’t so hot at being sweet and tender.”

“No, but—”

“Nope. No excuses. You and I have touched on this in the past and I know you’ve forgiven us. Trust that Connor will forgive your mistakes, whatever they were. He’s learning that family members hurt each other unintentionally. Sooner or later he’ll figure out what to do with the fallout from his dysfunctional mother.”

“Ha-ha.”

“In the meantime, I imagine he’d appreciate some crow eating.” Her dad winked. “Phone’s in with the wrenches.” He lay back down on the creeper and pushed himself under the car.

She hesitated. “Pops, I’m ready for my watch too.”

He rolled right back out. “Going somewhere?”

“A wedding. If he’ll have me.”

”He’ll have you.” He smiled. “It’s in the kitchen drawer with the spatulas.” Chuckling, he disappeared again.

“Hey, Pops.”

“Yeah, Jaws?”

She heard his tone of exasperation but knew that he was teasing. “After I call Connor, can I work with you?”

He didn’t reply immediately. “Sure,” he said in a quiet voice. “I’d like that.”

Jill would like that too.

Chapter 30

Seated at the small desk in her bedroom, Jill stared at her phone and traced a finger around its sleek sides.

Twenty-one missed calls. Thirteen new voice mails.

Jill scrolled through the missed calls and saw several from Gretchen, her manager at the station, and coworkers. Not one from Jack or Connor.

What had she said in her last voice message to Connor?
“I’m sorry, Con. I was so rude to you and—and Emma. I was reeling from everything else. From your dad not showing up at our special spot. Not to mention his surprise announcement. It wasn’t you. Please call me.”

No wonder Connor hadn’t been eager to return her call. It didn’t matter that she had been in the depths of despair. He would have only heard that his mother blamed his dad for her inability to enthusiastically respond to him and Emma and their surprise arrival.

“Time to eat some crow, Mom.”

Jill pressed the five and hit Send. A moment later Connor’s phone rang.

When his voice mail picked up, she shut her phone.

Maybe she’d listen to her messages first.

As she flipped the phone back open, it rang. Connor’s name appeared.

“Connor.”

“Hey, Mom. Sorry, the phone was buried in my backpack.”

“Are you busy?”

He chuckled. “We’re in Napa at a coffee shop. My French fiancée and her French parents are making fun of California wines.”

“I suppose since they’re French, they drink wine.”

“Mom.” There was exasperation in his tone.

“It wasn’t a moral judgment.”

“Hold on. I’m heading outside.”

Jill’s resolve turned to doubt. They were off on one of
those
conversations. He would misunderstand whatever she said because his head was elsewhere.

“Okay. Dad tell you our news?”

“Yeah.” She gathered enthusiasm and tried again. “Yeah! That’s quite the surprise.”

“It doesn’t top yours.”

“Yes, it does. Oh, honey, I don’t know where to start. I’m sorry.”

“That I’m getting married?” He was definitely on a short fuse.

“Connor, give me a chance to talk. I’m sorry for the way I behaved in Hollywood.”

“I heard that on your voice mail. What do you want me to say?”

“Nothing. I needed to say it to you. I hurt you. What I did was inexcusable.”
And I hope you can forgive me.
She kept the obvious to herself.

Connor would know what she was thinking. She had schooled him enough in the significance of letting others off the hook for his own well-being. This was not the time for another lesson. With his edgy mood he’d only hear coercion. He had to figure it out for himself.

“Honey, you’re not a child anymore. I need you to be grown-up about this. Dad and I are in the middle of a life-changing mess. The timing couldn’t be worse, but what’s done is done. We move on. I am happy for you. Emma must be an extraordinary young woman.” She spoke around a lump in her throat. She wanted to be happier for him. She wanted to have gotten to know the girl, to have a front-row seat to their growing relationship, to give them advice.

Given her current situation, that would not have been a good thing.

She swallowed. “Now, what can I do for you? Dad says you want small.”

“Yeah. We have to get back to school and we want to do it while her parents are here.” He rattled off the very,
very
short guest list, the plan for dinner in the back room of his favorite Italian restaurant.

It wasn’t Jill’s mother-of-the-groom dream wedding. Nope. Not even close.

He said, “Did Dad tell you about the ceremony itself?”

“No.”

“Okay. Now don’t freak out.”

She counted to five. It was a reflexive reaction to the phrase that always prefaced something she didn’t want to hear. “Honey, I’m sure Pastor Lew will accommodate you. We can use the chapel. It’s smaller—”

“Mom, the thing is, we don’t want him to marry us.”

“What! What? Connor! Pastor has been an integral part of your entire life! Why on earth would—?”

“Why on earth would I even try to talk to you?” His voice rose. “You want me to grow up, but the minute I make a decision you don’t like, you go off the deep end.”

“Good grief. I’m only confused, that’s all. Help me understand. Don’t you like him?”

“Not really.”

“But why—?”

“Look, I can’t do this right now. I’m having a nice time with Emma and her parents. And oh, by the way, yes, they do drink wine, and as a matter of fact, so do I.”

“Oh, Connor! How could you! You’re playing with fire. Your great-grandfather Galloway—”

“Was a raging alcoholic. I know and I know all the genetic possibilities.”

“Then why—?”

“Probably because you pounded into my head ‘Don’t do it.’”

“I also told you not to run into the street.”

“It’s not the same thing.”

“Connor, my only intention was to protect you. To keep you from doing something that would hurt you or that you might regret later.”

“But it’s
my
life. I have to make my own choices and figure things out for myself.
C’est la vie.
”

“But—”

“But nothing, Mom. Let it go. Let’s just say
au revoir
for now and finish this later. Okay?”

She placed her free arm across her middle and squeezed tight, holding back an emotional explosion. “I apologize for freaking out.”

He exhaled loudly. “I’m sorry for raising my voice at you. We good to go now?”

“Who do you want to conduct the ceremony? And where?”

“Later. Say
ciao
, Mom.”

“
Ciao
, Mom.”

He snorted, the sound falling somewhere between a chuckle and a locker room phrase.

Jill closed the phone and wished with all her might that she could stick her son and his independent streak and his smush of languages in a corner for a long, long time-out.

* * *

Jill did not rejoin her dad in the garage. Instead she walked. She walked hard, regret and confusion coursing through her, jamming each footfall against the rocky earth until at last she felt drained.

What was all this? First Jack, then Connor. A wall had been built between her and the two people closest to her and she had no idea how to tear it down.

It took the entire three-mile round-trip trail to the waterfall plus the two-mile round-trip trek from the house to the trailhead to work out her twisted knot of emotions. The western sky was all pinks and purples above the mountains before she got back to the center of town, the sun long gone.

She did not make a conscious decision on which route to take home but found herself passing Wags Service Station. She slowed and then stopped.

Beyond the pumps, Ty was visible through the open doorway and picture window. He moved about the shelving units, perhaps organizing the few groceries he carried.

Exhausted, she watched him, her breath condensing in the cool evening air.

And in her imagination she began to play a game.

What would it be like to chuck her life? Just start all over. Give Jack his divorce. Let Connor do what he was going to do anyway without a cautionary word. Get a small, cheap apartment in Sweetwater. Wander the trails. Volunteer at the nature center. Be a help to her aging parents. Do anything but teach. Never, ever give an opinion on communication or puzzle out a relationship.

Fall in love again with Ty Wilkins. Taste his kisses that by now would be full of the manliness only hinted at when they were teens. Be his right hand at the station.

He stepped through the door now, a trash bag in his hand. He caught sight of her and paused.

They gazed toward each other in the semidarkness, the area between them brightly lit by the overhang’s lights. The air fairly crackled with electricity. It was not part of her fantasy.

She wondered if he played the same dangerous game.

They stood like that for a while, a minute or two. Maybe half an hour. Maybe longer. Time ceased.

Jill lingered in the tantalizing scene that played out in her mind. She tingled from head to toe. She felt like a child whizzing down a playground slide.

She heard the silence, the hush of the desert.

And then she heard the whisper.

She wanted to run from it, from the words that spilled into her heart.

This is how it happens.

No!
she argued.

This is how it happens.

No. I’m just . . . I’m just—

This is how it happens.

Everything faded from view, real and imagined. The gas station. The pink sky. Ty’s lips on hers. An abyss pushed them all aside. It yawned, a great widening blackness that wrapped around her, seeping into every pore of her body.

“No,” she whispered.

Jill turned and quickly walked away. She began to jog. Her muscles protested and her heart pounded.

She wanted to sleep with Ty.

This is how it happens.

It happened out of the blue. Out of pain and loneliness. Out of being human. Out of the declaration of a husband who hurt so much he wanted a divorce. Out of a son’s rejection.