[Desert Roses 02] - Across the Years (12 page)

She hurried to leave before she could change her mind. She knew the telegrams had to be delivered—knew that Grandpa was only holding on in order to see his daughters again. But Ashley could imagine the conflict ahead and it caused her stomach to ache just thinking about it.

Pushing open the door, she stumbled into the brilliance of
the morning sun. Stubbing her toe, she sucked in her breath and fought to keep from crying. Then suddenly it wasn’t her toe at all that brought the tears.

“What if Mother refuses to come because of me?” she murmured, wiping her eyes. She tried to straighten and regain her composure.
Then it will be my fault that Grandpa dies without feeling he’s made his peace with her. I’ll never be able to live with myself if that happens.

There was a bit of chill to the air. It was well into September and the dry hot days of summer were behind them. Ashley had heard Mrs. Taylor mention the possibility of rain, but the clear skies overhead suggested nothing of the kind. Instead, as the wind whipped up, Ashley tasted the desert grit against her teeth and lips. It only served to make her more uncomfortable.

“Are you all right?”

She looked up into the face of E. J. Carson. Funny how he always seemed to turn up when she least expected it. She drew a deep breath and quickly looked away. “I’m fine.” She choked back a sob and shook her head. “No, I’m not fine. I’m sorry.”

“Would you like to take a walk, maybe talk it out?” The compassion in his tone became her undoing.

Ashley bit her lower lip as her tears spilled. “I’m afraid I would be a poor conversationalist.”

“Never mind talking, then. We can simply walk, and if you feel you can share the burden with me, I’ll be here ready and able to listen.”

She nodded ever so slightly and allowed E. J. to lead her away from the busyness of town.

E. J. had no idea what had gotten into him. How in the world did he find himself walking along Second Street with his wife? He stared at the ground, trying to think of something to say. A tiny green lizard darted across the tip of his shoe, causing E. J. to make a bit of a side step. Ashley didn’t
appear to notice, however. Her sorrow, for whatever reason, seemed more than she could bear at the moment.

“Did you have more bad news?” he asked, hoping his tone wasn’t too prying.

“No,” Ashley replied, using her handkerchief to dab at her eyes. “I just had a difficult job to do.”

“I see.”

She shook her head. “No, you can’t possibly understand. I’m sorry. You really don’t have to walk with me.” She looked around as if to figure out how she might escape.

E. J. didn’t want her to get away just yet. He longed to comfort her, but even more, he longed for her company. He wanted to know the kind of woman she’d become. They’d married so young and so quickly that neither one really knew the other one at all.

He reached out to touch her arm gently, cautiously. “Please tell me what happened.”

Ashley looked at the sky and then lowered her gaze to his face. “I had to send a telegram to my mother. She needs to come see my grandfather before he dies. It was very hard to send the message.”

“Oh, because she’ll be so upset about his situation?”

Ashley laughed bitterly. The sound chilled E. J. to the bone. “Hardly that. She’ll be upset because we’ve dared to disturb her peace. After all, she warned us both.”

“What do you mean?”

“She wanted nothing to do with either of us,” Ashley explained. “My grandfather took away her financial support when he became a Christian and decided to follow the Bible’s teachings. She swore she’d never speak to him again.”

“Because he turned to God?” E. J. vaguely remembered something from the past. Hadn’t the old man been doing something illegal—but financially beneficial? He rubbed his jaw, trying to remember.

“It’s a long story,” Ashley said with a sigh in her voice.

“I have the time if you do.” He looked at her face and
saw the need there. Her dark eyes, still glistening with tears, seemed to consider him momentarily as if to ascertain his worthiness.

“My grandfather was not concerned with business ethics when he was younger. He made a lot of money and in turn he gave generously to his children—my mother and her sister. When his dealings caught up with him—or rather, when God caught up with him—Grandpa knew he had to give up his life of crime and turn over a new leaf.”

E. J. nodded and stared ahead at the sandy, rock-laden landscape. How desolate and lonely it all seemed. The barren wasteland made him ache to create something beautiful and lovely to put in its empty space. But wasn’t that why he’d come in the first place? He was here to help with the Harvey resort—beauty amid the ancient, inhospitable land. And somewhere in the midst of that aspiration, God had brought him face-to-face with the past.

Ashley halted rather abruptly, causing E. J. to walk past her. He stopped and turned to look back at her. She stared off to the south, past the railroad tracks. He wondered what she saw there.

“I know it sounds completely ridiculous,” she began, “but I’m terrified of my mother coming here.” She glanced at E. J. “I’m afraid of her and what she’ll do. I’m afraid of myself and who I’ll become when she’s around.”

“What can she possibly do to hurt you?”

Ashley shook her head back and forth slowly. “I’m not sure, but if there’s a way, she’ll find it. She doesn’t know I’m here—well, once she gets the telegram she’ll know. But for a very long time, she’s had no idea of my whereabouts. She doesn’t even know about Natalie.”

“But why?”

A train whistle blew, signaling a Santa Fe freighter coming in from the east. Ashley watched the train momentarily, then turned back to E. J. and began walking again.

“My mother is a difficult woman. She wasn’t pleased with
my choice of husbands. When he was killed in the Great War, I figured she would end her tirade about my choice and leave well enough alone. After all, I was in mourning.”

“But she didn’t?”

“No. She made matters worse, demanding I annul the marriage, telling me it wouldn’t matter to my husband because he was dead.”

“Annul the marriage? But if your husband was supposed to be dead . . .”

Ashley seemed to understand his confusion. “She wanted the slate cleaned, as though the marriage had never happened. That’s how they do it in high society when they want to pretend things are different than they really are. She wanted me to marry a very wealthy man who could benefit the family name.” Ashley’s voice lowered to an almost inaudible tone. “But she didn’t understand the situation at all.”

“You mean Natalie?” E. J. asked, hoping to learn once and for all if the child was his.

“No,” Ashley said, leaving him disappointed. “She didn’t understand that I could never love another man. I loved my husband and would continue to love him until I was in the grave beside him.”

Then, as if realizing she’d become much too personal in her revelations, Ashley stopped again. “Look, I’m sorry. This is too much of a burden to put on anyone, much less a stranger.” She gave him a tight smile. “Natalie said you were easy to talk to.”

She began to walk back in the direction they’d come, and E. J. had no choice but to accompany her. “So you haven’t seen your mother in all this time?” he questioned, hoping she’d not worry about the intimacy of the topic.

“No. I’ve not seen her or had any form of communication. She wanted it that way and I wanted it that way even more. I figured someone that meanspirited and hateful did not deserve to be a part of my life or that of my child. Now
Grandpa wants to see her before he dies, and I find my life turned upside down.”

“Will she come here now?”

“I have no idea. I know Grandpa is praying she will, and he seems to have God’s ear.”

E. J. laughed. “He does, does he?”

Ashley smiled, as if realizing how silly she sounded. “Well, let me put it this way. When Grandpa gets to praying about a matter, things start happening.”

“And your grandpa is praying for this reconciliation?” E. J. questioned.

Ashley nodded. “That among other things.”

“That’s not enough, eh? What else could possibly be as important to him now that he’s ready to meet his maker?”

Ashley tucked her handkerchief away. “Grandpa and Natalie want me to remarry.” She laughed nervously and shrugged it off. “It’s silly, I know. But when those two put their minds to something, well, it’s best to get off the track and let the train come on through.”

E. J. felt a tightening in his chest. He followed after her, struggling to figure out how to reply. What could he say? He could hardly tell her that she couldn’t remarry because she was already married—to him.

“What do
you
want?” he asked instead. They’d come back to where the new Harvey resort was being built. He stopped and asked again. “What do you want?”

Ashley looked so forlorn and sad. “What I want doesn’t matter. I have to think of what Natalie needs.”

“And what does she need?” E. J. asked, struggling to know how to deal with the emotions she was evoking.

“She needs a daddy. Someone who can teach her things and keep me from being too lonely,” Ashley whispered. Then, drawing a deep breath, she smiled. “At least, that’s what Natalie says.”

“But what do you say?”

Ashley considered his question for a moment, then came
back at him with a question of her own. “Mr. Carson, are you a God-fearing man—are you a Christian?”

He cleared his throat and looked to the ground. “I . . . well . . . yes.”

“Why do you hesitate with your answer?”

E. J. looked up and met her curious but beautiful expression. Her dark eyes seemed to study him intently. “I suppose that’s a long story on my part. I came to God during the Great War.”

“Why?”

He chuckled. “Because I was terrified. Death was all around me and I was all alone.”

“Is fear an acceptable reason to take Christ as your eternal savior?”

“Well, I see it as being one way to come to God,” E. J. replied. He shoved his hands in his trouser pockets and immediately fisted his hands against his legs.

“Grandpa wants me to come to God,” Ashley offered in a surprisingly strong manner. She straightened her shoulders as if she’d suddenly regained her second wind. “But I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I just don’t know that fear is a good enough reason to accept something so serious. You see, it’s not that I don’t believe in God. I believe in Him quite well, thank you. But I have to question whether He cares about me and what difference it would make whether or not I come to Him. He’ll do to me and with me what He wants anyway. It won’t much matter that I plead with Him for help.”

“I’ve felt that way too,” E. J. admitted. “In the war, things seemed so . . .” He shook away the brutal images. “God seemed so distant, yet at the same time He seemed so close. I wanted to believe that He cared about me there in the trenches. I wanted to believe that He would be with me as we advanced on the enemy.”

“And what happened?”

E. J. shuddered. “He allowed the enemy to blow me up.”

Ashley’s expression went blank and her face paled. “You were . . . were wounded?”

E. J. realized he’d said too much. “Yes, but my point is, I felt betrayed by God. I’d come to Him, pleaded with Him for protection, and then I was suddenly fighting to live. I watched friends die and saw others who wished they had.”

“It’s just one more thing that makes me question whether God really cares,” Ashley interjected, staring past his shoulder. “And why should I put my trust in Him if He doesn’t really care? If He’s just out there—somewhere—watching and allowing life to go on as it does, why does it even matter to Him if I repent of my sins?”

“Or maybe it matters, but your sins are too great,” E. J. murmured.

Ashley frowned. “I’m sorry. I should never have gotten this maudlin. I’m afraid my mother brings out the worst in me. Thank you for the walk.”

She turned on her heel, her blue print dress swirling around her knees as she walked away. E. J. watched her for several minutes, completely captivated by the rhythmic way she sauntered up the walkway.
I’ve driven her away with my talk of war and sins,
he thought. But truth was always painful when it wasn’t what you wanted to hear. And his truth—the very essence of who he now was—could never match what she needed him to be. It made his choices and decisions even more difficult.

She doesn’t need a wounded war vet who still feels the breath of the enemy on his neck. She doesn’t need a man who is afraid of the future and what it might hold.

E. J. looked to the heavens, wishing some great revelation might be revealed. Instead, he felt worse than when he’d set out to walk with his wife. He knew her a little better—that much had been accomplished. But in knowing her better, he also knew without a doubt that he wasn’t what she needed. She needed Ethan Reynolds, and that man had died—at least in spirit—on a pockmarked battlefield in France.

CHAPTER NINE

Faith Mission Church gave an annual autumn party, and with this excuse the regular members of the congregation and some not-so-regular members had reason to gather that mild October day on the banks of Clear Creek. There was to be plenty of food and games, as well as preaching and baptizing.

Natalie had made certain E. J. received an invitation to the gathering. She’d even gone a step further and showed up at the hotel on Sunday morning to remind him.

“Mr. Carson, are you coming this afternoon?” she’d questioned, nearly breathless from running.

E. J. couldn’t turn her down. He felt so captivated by her love of life and the expectancy of her expression that he could only nod.

“Now, don’t forget,” she told him as she moved toward the door. “We’re eating lunch there and then we’ll have games. Come to the church by noon and you can drive out with the rest of us. Oh, and don’t worry about your tableware. Mama will pack you a plate and silverware.”

E. J. had nodded and waved, and two hours later, with some goodies he’d purchased at the Harvey restaurant, he joined the festivities.

Clear Creek ran to the east of town, but the picnic location where they gathered was nearly five miles to the southeast of Winslow proper. E. J. thought it a marvelous respite. After driving out across the sandy red desert dotted only with scrub and cactus, the barren land gave way to natural rock platforms and sandstone outcroppings. Between this framework ran the most beautiful, inviting blue water—Clear Creek. It was easy to see why the location was such a popular gathering place. It was truly an oasis.