Destined to Play, Feel, Fly Trilogy (22 page)

‘Will you please lie still before I have to restrain you again? You will do yourself damage.’

I’m precariously close to the edge of the bed again but I’m determined not to let him put me in a position that risks the future of my career. He must understand that. He moves to the side of the bed, either to prevent me falling out or to prevent me getting out, I’m not sure which at this stage. I carry on with my sea lion movements to the other side.

‘Where are my clothes anyway? I hope they are still in the walk-in robe.’

‘Will you just stop for a moment? Please!’ His voice is sounding as exasperated as I feel with my sluggish movements.

‘No, Jeremy, I can’t actually.’

Resigning myself to the fact that he will not assist me, I eventually make it to my destination and attempt to haul my log of a leg over the side of the bed with both hands.

‘Ahhh. Why do you persist when you know it’s just not going to happen!’

He grabs hold of my ankle before it hits the floor and quickly fastens the connecter to my wrist. It is only at this point I realise I still have leather straps fastened to each limb. Oh, lucky me.
He deftly does the same with my left side, attaching my wrist and ankle together and heaves my whole body into the centre of the bed, rendering it virtually impossible for me to move, let alone walk. He surrounds me with pillows so I’m sitting in an upright position, which is the only slight relief because lying down in this position would have been rather precarious to say the least. Thank goodness I practise yoga.

‘Damn you. You can’t keep me captive here, I’m not your bloody puppet. Why are these restraints still on me?’ I explode at him.

‘They’re great, aren’t they? Save so much time and energy … If only I had had these at uni, imagine the fun I could have had with you …’ His voice trails off as his mind wanders.

‘JEREMY! I have no time for trips down memory lane right now.’ My throat feels hoarse from yelling at him.

‘Oh, yes,’ he says, coming back to me. ‘Now, can you just lie still and let me explain?’

‘I’m assuming that is a statement, not a question,’ I say acerbically. ‘It’s not like I have a lot of choice!’

‘No, you don’t.’ Even though he sounds bothered, he looks pleased with himself as he nestles in close to me.

I can only roll my eyes and hope his explanation is short.

‘Let me say, first of all, you are not going anywhere.’ His hand puts up a stop sign to pre-empt my protest. I ignore it.

‘I have to, Jeremy. You don’t understand, do you?’ I’m getting desperate now and try to explain the importance of this meeting, how much it means to me. I struggle futilely against the restraints in sheer exasperation and break into a hot sweat.

‘Jeremy, this is my career we are talking about, the one I have worked and studied so hard for. You, of all people, must understand …’ He straddles his long legs either side of me,
trapping me further with his body as his hand nimbly covers my mouth.

‘Let me make myself perfectly clear. You are not leaving this room until I authorise your release — medically or otherwise.’ This time his hand blankets my mouth
before
any expletives escape. Am I that predictable to him? I think I must be if … the room starts to spin around me … everything suddenly feels very strange … loses focus … spins … feels very fuzzy …

Next thing I know a bright light is shining in my eye and someone is taking my pulse and blood pressure.

I try to lift up my head. I can’t.

‘Have you got a vein yet? That IV needs to go in
now
!’

‘Not yet, her veins seem to be collapsing.’ A woman’s voice.

‘Here, give it to me.’

I feel a sting in my hand.

‘Done. Tape it up. Sweetheart. Can you hear me? Look at me, it’s Jeremy.’

‘Wh — what happened? What is all this?’ I look around and notice a drip, monitoring equipment, a nurse.

‘Oh thank god. You must take it easy. Do you hear me?
Do you understand?’

‘No … I don’t think I understand, Jeremy. I … don’t think … I understand at all.’

‘No, of you course you don’t, sweetheart, because you never allow me time to explain.’

‘This is my fault?’ I say confused.

‘No, no that’s not what I meant. God, you just had me so worried. You fainted.’

I must drift off again as next time I open my eyes the room seems really bright, which reminds me what we were talking about before all this medical business interfered with our conversation.

‘Is it morning? Jeremy! Have I missed —’

‘There’s nothing to miss.’ He attempts to calm his voice. ‘There is no presentation to the AMA.’ The light diminishes.

‘You cancelled me? My one chance to present?’ I ask, incredulous.

‘No, sweetheart, please lie still. Try to keep calm. You are exhausted. God, I’ve pushed you too hard … too far.’ He pauses. ‘There never was a presentation to the AMA. It was all organised to ensure we had enough time together.’

‘What? No meeting?’

‘You have no more lectures for the rest of the week. The only lecture you had to present was the one you did last Friday.’

‘What? … How? … I don’t understand …’ I’m so tired I can’t get my head around his words.

‘There is too much for you to understand right now and nothing you need to worry about except rest, which is the most important thing you need.’

‘No lectures? … All cancelled … Was it that bad, my first lecture? … you said it was good.’ Strangely, insecurity sweeps through me. I feel really weak.

‘It was great, you know it was. Now, just close your eyes and rest.’ He places his palm on my cheek and nods to somebody positioned behind me.

‘No, I can’t rest Jeremy. What happened? Why am I like this? I might be okay … in a while … to present, you know … could be … and … why do I have an IV? …’

Reality vanishes.

I wake up with my eyes acclimatising to their restored state, which puts a smile on my face. A fleeting thought wonders where I am and my foggy head takes a moment to register that Jeremy is staring at me with an anxious expression from the armchair in the corner of the room. Seconds later, he is by my side.

‘Just checking your vitals,’ he says before I have the opportunity to utter a word.

‘How do you feel?’ Light penetrates my eyeball. I try to shift my head away to no avail.

‘Foggy, but better than before, I think.’ I notice the IV still in my hand. ‘Is this necessary?’ My voice is croaky.

‘I’ll let you know in the next hour or so. There are a few more things we need to check first.’ He pumps the band around my arm and concentrates on my blood pressure; it feels sensitive and I twinge a little.

‘So, definitely no lecture today?’

‘No!’ His expression is anxious as he continues his doctor business. I sense that now is not the right time to venture into ‘why the hell not?’.

It was always near impossible to distract Jeremy mid-task so I don’t bother now. His eyebrows are furrowed as he determinedly checks over my body.

He lifts up the sheet and for the first time I notice a tube coming from between my legs.

‘Oh god, please no!’ I cringe in disbelief.

‘What? Oh, it’s just the catheter,’ he says nonchalantly and covers my legs with the sheet so I’m protected from the view. ‘That can come out when I remove the drip,’ he says in his
matter-of-fact voice. I suddenly wish the drip would whisk me away into blankness again.

‘Right. Not great yet, but not too bad,’ he says to himself as much as me. ‘Are you thirsty?’

‘Mmm.’ I nod as I notice how dry my mouth is.

‘Nurse!’

Nurse? Could this be more embarrassing? I mean, honestly.

He raises my upper body slowly off the bed and brings the water to my lips so carefully, it is as if he thinks I will break. I assure him I won’t … break, that is.

‘Frankly, I will be the judge of that.’ Great, still in doctor mode. I decide it’s safer not to argue and ‘frankly’ I don’t have the energy to debate him, so I let out a long sigh instead.

‘I don’t like all of these tubes, Jeremy. You know I can’t handle anything hospital-like.’

‘I know, sweetheart, just a little longer. I need to know you are getting the right fluids and we only have one more test to complete, then it’s precautionary. I can’t afford to risk anything when it comes to you.’

My head spins with his words.

‘Test? Risk? From fainting?’ I wonder if I am sounding as confused as I feel.

‘Nothing you need to worry about. I will take complete care of you, I promise.’

‘Jeremy, you’re scaring me
and
treating me like a child. What are you talking about?’

He lowers his forehead to mine and kisses my lips lightly. ‘You were amazing, perfect. The results of our experiment, your neural connectivity, well, let’s just say they opened a whole new pathway of research relating to the limbic system.’ He slides his fingers slowly between my breasts, delicately circles my belly
button. He continues lower and slides his hand gently between my legs, so as not to disturb the tube, and lightly and magically massages my secret parts.

His touch, his words, ignite a deep rumbling from within my core. The pleasure is intense, as he targets his approach, the waves unrelenting as my mind struggles to stay present with him and I drift off as delightful tremors overtake my body. It’s as if he has a remote control button for my clitoris. I can’t understand why I am so instantly reactive to his touch. It completely distracts me from asking him what is going on here. The drip, catheter, nurse … it all surrounds me, but makes no sense at all.

Reality returns as he removes his hands and passes the nurse a small sample of something before she hastily disappears from the room. I suddenly feel like giving in to it all. I don’t want to fight any more; Jeremy can do what he likes. The relief of my surrender is almost overwhelming. I try to look away from the intensity of his stare and eventually close my eyes as I feel big, wet tears sliding down my cheeks.

‘You’re emotional. Alex, I’m so sorry. You have been through so much. Too much in some ways. It has taken its toll on you. I promise I will explain everything properly. You just need to rest for a while. Let me look after you.’

I can’t say anything. As I close my eyes, embracing again the blindness I had railed against only hours ago, tears continue to fall soundlessly, mindlessly. I sense Jeremy’s eyes continually seeking understanding, trying to discover the vulnerabilities that lie beneath the surface of my body and mind. I have nowhere to go, no further layers to hide behind and I know I don’t want to hide from him any more, ever. I love the idea of him intimately understanding my secret places, even more so because they are
now so raw, so exposed. I want to be available to him to explore, to experiment, as he wishes, whenever he desires. I have never felt more powerful yet so in need of his power over me. I feel astonishingly proud that for whatever reason, he has chosen me to take on this journey as I lay here naked, truly bare beside him.

Jeremy wraps his arms around my shoulders, carefully avoiding the drip in my hand, and cradles me close into his chest. There is nowhere I want to be except in his arms. I feel like a small, dependent child as he encircles my body. I am helplessly paralysed as the tears continue to fall. He lovingly wipes the hair away from my face, slowly and softly kissing my eyelids until the tears subside.

It is at this moment I feel utter exhaustion, even more so than from a long childbirth. I never thought that seeing his eyes, his face, would prove to be so emotional for me. He said he wanted to open me up like the layers of a blossoming rose, ensure I experienced more than I ever had, and he has done exactly that. He has seen parts of me — both physically and emotionally — that perhaps I have never seen or explored myself. There is nothing left, no desire to go against him, no need to seek further understanding, no need to fear. I know and understand that, although he has pushed me far beyond any boundaries I created for myself, he will look after me wholeheartedly while I am in his care. He always has and always will. I give myself over to him entirely. Because for some reason, deep within my psyche, I know that whatever has happened and whatever will happen is now entirely beyond my control, and for some strange reason, I feel a powerful sense of freedom in that knowledge, just as he said I would.

I can’t say how many times I doze in and out of sleep or for how long. I vaguely remember Jeremy coming and going,
checking and rechecking. I don’t remember the drip or the catheter being removed, for which I am grateful. I have no idea if it is night or day and therefore no clue as to the time. I still feel incredibly fatigued, but with each return to consciousness, my head seems to be in a clearer space, which is a great relief.

I open my eyes to smile at him lying next to me.

‘You’re awake, welcome back!’ He smiles down at me. ‘I just need to roll you over, sweetheart, to tend to your beautiful behind.’ He turns a single light on in an otherwise darkened room.

‘Oh, not doctor mode again, please.’ I groan in protest.

‘Lay still. This may still be a little sore, but it will heal in no time.’

‘Do I have a choice?’ I say, raising my eyebrows.

‘None whatsoever. I’m so pleased you finally understand.’

It is not sore as much as tender and I can’t help but think he is overreacting a little. As I lay there, getting my arse tended to, I hear my stomach growl beneath me. I realise I’m absolutely famished, which can only be a positive sign.

‘Hold still. I just need to do one more blood test and then you can eat.’

‘One last? How many have you taken?’

‘This will be the fourth.’

He reaches towards his bench of medical paraphernalia and prepares things before harnessing my upper arm and inspecting my veins with his fingers. I barely feel the slight sting in my vein, but look away as he chatters on. ‘You know you have special blood, Alexa. AB is the most biologically complex of all the blood types. It is less than a thousand years old and is
more or less an evolutionary mystery. Only around three per cent of the global population have type AB blood, making you incredibly unique, but of course, I always knew that about you. And treasure you all the more for it,’ he adds with a wink before continuing. ‘I recently attended a lecture on its characteristics and it has both medics and scientists intrigued, given its complex and perplexing nature. It’s an enigma really.’ He looks lost in thought.