Detect Me (20 page)

Nikki could barely believe that she was the one making Mark’s face light up like that. He looked happy. God, he was beautiful and smart and strong and there was no way that she deserved this…

She bit down on her lip and shook her head. She’d outwitted Ghost and survived. She could do some things right. She could.

Mark looked stricken and Nikki realized that he thought she was shaking her head at him. She threw up her hands and started shaking her head even harder, which made him drop her hands and step away.

“No, no!” she cried. “I don’t mean - I mean - I want - I want a next time! I want more than one! I want all the next times! I just… I just need to know what happened with Ghost. I can’t understand why you didn’t tell me about her. Not to make you feel bad, but… it was kind of important.”

Still looking unsure and not moving any closer, Mark stared at the floor off to the right of his feet. Blue and white lights flashed on and off around them and people called out to each other about cruisers and stretchers. For a second Nikki was tempted to say never mind, to let it go and try again later.

“I’m ashamed of it,” Mark said finally. He lifted his chin and looked at her. He didn’t look as confident as he normally did. He looked a little lost, but utterly earnest. “Back when it first happened I couldn’t believe I’d been tricked so thoroughly. I still can’t believe it - I was so stupid. I was on my own for all that time and I worked so hard to be accepted as a player on the crime scene - you know, someone that mattered. The cops all knew me; we were friends. Then that happened and they all thought I was a traitor who’d just lost his nerve. Julian was the only one who stood by me.”

“Julian’s the one who got shot, right?” Nikki asked. She regretted it when she saw the pain cross Mark’s face.

“Another screw-up,” he said bitterly and hung his head.

There wasn’t time to give in to self-pity. If this was going to work, Nikki was certain in her delirium of stale fear and adrenaline that they needed to suck out all the poison now. They were standing at Ghost’s last crime scene. This was where they would decide if she would fade away or hover, a specter acting as an unwelcome third party to the relationship.

And as badly as Nikki wanted the chance to love Mark, really love him, even if he turned his back on her now and walked away she still wouldn’t want that for him. She’d managed to let go of Ben. Mark deserved the same peace.

“The elevator,” she said, and she knew that Mark understood what she meant because his fingers involuntarily tightened around hers. “Was that… is that because of her?”

Mark inhaled and then nodded sharply. “Yes.” He angled his head to stare at Nikki with narrowed eyes. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

No. “Yes.”

He drew another deep breath and looked away, past Nikki to where a still shrieking Ghost was being loaded into a police cruiser. The cops she’d attacked seemed to be having a pretty good time with it. Nikki would have encouraged a little police brutality at that point, truth be told.

“When Ghost and I were, uh, engaged for a month, I started noticing things. We didn’t date all that long; six months I guess. So it was still the honeymoon phase and I was just… well, I was happy to be part of a family again, I guess.” Mark didn’t move his eyes from where they looked out into the distance and spoke the words rapidly in a near monotone. “And then… I’m not really sure what happened. Maybe I stopped being able to lie to myself. I was a detective, so it was hard not to notice the little things. Or maybe Ghost just got comfortable. What she said in there…” Mark scrubbed a hand over his face and exhaled. “Maybe she expected me to, I don’t know, help her.”

“So you found out,” Nikki interjected gently, terrified of stemming the flow of words but feeling that it was important to keep things on track. “And she said - you went to the cops?”

Mark nodded curtly. “I found things hidden. Things that she’d stolen. The case was one I was actually working on myself. What else could I do?” He shrugged his shoulders, and for a moment Nikki could feel echoes of the helplessness he’d felt.

His fingers tightened so hard it was almost painful, and Nikki knew the worst was coming.

“Reporting it took hours,” Mark said, his voice growing distant. “By the time I got back from the station - and I was a suspect myself at that point, by the way - it was dark and Ghost was nowhere to be found. I thought… I don’t know what I thought. I guess I figured she’d run for it. One of the things that made her such a good criminal is that she always picked up on clues. The little things. Something we had in common, I guess.” He gave a hollow laugh and Nikki’s heart twisted. She was horrified to feel a tiny prick of jealousy.

“And then?” she whispered.

Mark dropped her hand and turned away from her, hunching his shoulders. “And then she surprised me in the middle of the night and beat me to a pulp. I used to be a heavy sleeper; by the time I woke up and realized what was happening, it was almost too late to defend myself. And I just… I couldn’t even try. Even when she was wailing the hell out of me and locking me in a closet to bleed to death, I couldn’t raise my hand to her. Stupid, I know. But I just… couldn’t. I couldn’t hit a woman. I couldn’t hit my fiancé.”

Something wet dripped down Nikki’s cheek. She looked up automatically to see the rain and realized she was crying.

A thousand cliché sentiments ran through her head.
That’s terrible, she’s a monster, how could anyone betray you like that, you deserved so much better.
“I’m so sorry,” Nikki said.

Mark slid a glance at her out of the corner of his eye. “You don’t think I kind of deserved what I got?” He was clearly aiming for a joking tone, but missing by a mile. “A detective falling for a criminal’s tricks. It’s kind of funny.”

A sob welled up in her throat and Nikki choked it back. She stepped forward into Mark’s space, no longer caring about decency. She fumbled for his hand and gripped it tightly in both of hers.

“It’s not funny,” Nikki said hoarsely. She shook her head hard, her blonde hair whipping around her face. Because she was watching she saw the moment when the expectations fell away from Mark’s expression and he finally, finally relaxed.

His fingers curled around hers, pulling them into a tight knot that connected them. Standing there with the flashing lights and sirens blaring around them, it felt unbreakable.

"Why did you go back home before you knew she was behind bars?" Nikki asked. She wanted... she didn't know what. She wanted to believe that Mark had never actually cared for Ghost. She wanted to believe that nobody could have hurt him so much.

Mark closed his eyes for a moment. "I was an idiot. I was afraid of what she'd do, but not to me, you know? There had been nobody else for so long, and when I trusted her, I just... kept on trusting her, I guess." He opened his eyes and made a face. "Until she tried to beat my head in."

The words made Nikki cringe and Mark looked apologetic.

"Look, I know I was stupid, alright? I made mistakes."

"Those were some pretty big mistakes," Nikki observed. Mark raised his eyebrows ironically - she felt a little guilty for being so insensitive, but mostly she was glad to see him acting in shades of his normal self.

A tiny smile tugged at the corners of his lips. Mark drew closer to her, bringing their bodies together so that Nikki felt a tingling awareness of all the little places that touched.

“They were,” Mark said gravely. He glanced over his shoulder momentarily before looking back at Nikki, his light blue eyes burning with focus. “But I think I’ve paid for them. I’m ready to forget them. I want to…”

His words were cut off by a shout and Nikki very nearly cursed out loud. But when the two of them swung around to look at the interruption, it turned out to be the big cop shouting Mark’s name and shuffling towards them. He had a huge stained bandage covering his shoulder and, in spite of everything, a grin on his face. Nikki would have sold her soul to hear what Mark had been about to say, but she couldn’t begrudge the loss with Mark grinning happily like that at his friend.

“Chief! You’re okay!” Mark made to clap Julian on his good shoulder and stopped his hand in midair when Julian leveled a death glare at him. Any kind of jolt would probably hurt right now.

“Never better, Champ. Okay, that’s a lie, but ignore it. I’m on about sixteen different pain meds and I’m probably a little high right now.”

“You guys have really lame nicknames,” Nikki observed before she could stop herself.

Fortunately, both the men laughed. Julian gave her the once-over with friendly and curious eyes.

“So you’re the girlfriend,” he said.

Nikki was actually grateful for the haze of leftover fear and panic. Meeting the friends was much more relaxing this way.

“I’m…” she glanced over at Mark, who was staring at the ground. It looked like he was stubbornly refusing to blush. “Uh. I. Hey! I bet you need to get home, don’t you?”

A cop marched up, looking irritated. He glared at Julian. “Yes, he does. I told you not to wander off! Come on, in the car. I need to get you home so I can go have my panic attack in peace.”

She wasn’t alone in feeling this way, Nikki realized. The load lifted from her shoulders as she realized that all of these men and women around her felt what she was feeling. They were just trained, and used to it. Nikki snuck a glance at Mark and wondered forlornly if she would have the chance to get used to it.

“I’m gonna tell you a secret,” Julian said in a loud stage whisper as the other cop herded him away. He looked over his shoulder and winked. “I like you a lot better than his last girlfriend.”

Nikki rolled her eyes. Was rolling her eyes at a man with a gunshot wound insensitive? “Good to know I’ve beaten the steep competition. Feel better!” she shouted, not wanting to be too heartless.

Mark watched them load Julian into a cruiser and then turned back to Nikki.

All the police officers were gone now. They’d taken Ghost and all their noise with them. Now there was only the hum of the city and the golden sunlight shining down on them outside the beautiful skyscraper of a museum.

Nikki stared out at the gray streets and realized that she felt closer to home than she had in years. Maybe ever before. She was poised at the very brink of uncertainty, one foot dangling over the edge, and yet something inside of her had settled and finally felt at peace.

It gave her the strength to look up at Mark, just as he looked down at her and rushed out, “You should stay.”

“Stay where?” Nikki asked, confused. She had no idea if this was a good sign or a bad one. She studied the sharp angles of Mark’s face. It had looked beautiful before; it looked perfect to her now.

Mark raised his hand an inch and Nikki started to move forward. But then he dropped it and she froze. She wanted him, so much. But she wouldn’t beg; she wouldn’t demean herself or try to force Mark into something he didn’t want. She cared too much for that. She cared too much for anything.

“I want… I want…” Mark faltered, and Nikki’s stomach dropped. He looked tired and almost defeated. At that second Nikki was sure that he would never be able to say it, and she would be forced to walk away from the one thing that had ever made her feel like joy was something you simply held out your hand for.

Decades of silence and pain rose up in Mark’s throat and choked him as he stared at Nikki’s beautiful face. He didn’t know if he could do this. He watched as Nikki bit her lip. Was this what he’d do to her? Without meaning to, would he make her doubt herself and tear away at her self-worth because he wasn’t capable of loving someone enough? He had loved Ghost as best as he’d known how, and that hadn’t been enough to change her.

Very slowly Nikki reached out her hand toward him, but halfway to Mark she paused and turned her hand over in midair. Mark frowned and glanced up; Nikki was looking at him with a question in her eyes.

The fear and doubt were swept away from his vision by Nikki’s courage, and suddenly he could see clearly again. Mark remembered what he’d known all along - that you couldn’t
make
another person into anything. You had to love them exactly as they were. It wasn’t that he hadn’t loved Ghost enough. It was that the person he thought he loved turned out to be someone else, and Mark hadn’t realized it in time.

“I love you,” Mark said simply. Nikki gasped and her outstretched hand flew to her mouth. Her wide blue eyes stared at him from above her fingers.

Suddenly feeling giddy and free, Mark stepped in close and carefully tugged her hand away from her mouth and took it in his own. He raised it to his mouth so that his lips brushed across her knuckles in a feathery kiss with every word he spoke.

“I love you, Nikki. I want you to stay with me. Work with me. Live with me. You needed a job - you have one. Help me solve crimes. Stay close to me, please, because that’s the only thing I need to be happy.”

He was watching so closely that he could see the wave of tears rise up in Nikki’s eyes. She swallowed hard. Her hand stayed firmly in his.

“I don’t think there are that many art thieves in New York City,” she said in a voice that snagged on the consonants. Mark wanted to tell her not to cry, but he wanted to give her reasons to say yes even more than that.

He wrapped his arm around Nikki’s waist and yanked her in tight. She squeaked but allowed it. Mark wished that he could use his body to just show her what he felt through osmosis. But Nikki deserved better than that. She deserved an explanation that she would remember in crystal clarity; one she never had to doubt.