Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (7 page)

He nods but doesn’t offer a verbal response.

Enough of this.

* * *

It’s midnight. After driving around town for a couple of hours, I admit I’m stalling to be sure Cherry’s asleep before heading home. Here I am now, sitting in my truck, looking at a picture of Sadey I’ve kept with me for as long as I’ve known her. She’s standing at the bar back at the Peril clubhouse last year with Hem, Shame, and Mace – her family.

I need to let her go, but how? It’s like an unrestrained pain centered in my chest and instead of fighting it, I cling to it like a cloak. I’m wrapped in its darkness, endearing it to me, as I struggle to hold onto her.

Sadey can only ever be a memory
.

I can’t go back and get her. I can’t call her just to hear her voice. I can’t hold her, touch her, and kiss her. Fuck, I also can’t
let her go
.

After leaving the guys at The Ward and reliving every piece of advice they tried to offer, I needed time to process their words without being in the presence of Cherry. Parts of me believe they’re right; being completely honest, I
know
they are. Leaving Sadey Bug this last time killed me. A part of me truly died, pieces of my love for her shattering with every passing mile. It doesn’t make me miss her any less, but the end-game results have been tallied and announced: I lost. I’ve got to find a way to say goodbye.

The guys were right, to an extent, of Cherry’s feelings for me. I just hadn’t been aware that the others could see what I saw on her face when they looked at the two of us together. I’ve played oblivious in regards to how she may feel about me for a long time. However, they don’t know her past like I do. Cherry loves me for the only reason she can. She’s clinging to the one person who has shown her even the slightest compassion and trust. It’s understandable she would think of me in that regard. She sees me as a savior, and I won’t exploit that. I’ve done enough damage to those I care about to last me a fuck of a long time.

Walking in the apartment door, I find the couch empty. I smile knowing the ever-defiant and challenging woman finally did something I told her to do without putting out much of an argument. Even though I know she did it to get me to agree to let Travis take her out tomorrow, I’m thankful for her compromise nonetheless. I don’t like the idea, but I’m going with it. I trust Travis, and he’s never been one to exploit a situation for his favor, either. If Hayden would have asked the same thing, the answer would be a resounding “Fuck no”, but she’s safe with Trav. Still, though, it’s going to be a long fuckin’ day waiting for her to come back.

After locking up and turning out the lights, I move to my room and find Cherry in my bed. She’s wrapped in a ball, surrounded by my blankets and she’s sleeping peacefully. She doesn’t sleep easy and hasn’t since we got here.

Quietly, I take my clothes off, letting them drop to the floor. I crawl into the bed, sticking only to my side. The only woman who has slept in this bed was my ex-wife, Sylvie. She was a mistake of epic proportion in the wake of Sadey.

Sylvie and I grew up together as kids and after moving with Bean to another apartment complex, I left her behind; that is, until I came back from Ohio the first time with a broken heart. I had seen her at a bar. She was a warm body that happened to be the spitting image of Sadey. Her auburn hair and green eyes resembled a close second, but her insides were nothing in comparison.

Sylvie was wicked. After we were married, she threatened to make Bean and Sarah’s life hell if I didn’t swear to cut off all ties to Sadey. When she found out I was visiting Sadey in Ohio, she traveled all those miles in search to destroy what I was trying to build again.

Her malicious tendencies while making Sadey’s life hell got her killed. I don’t miss her and if that makes me an asshole, I’m willing to live up to the title ten times over.

Looking at Cherry in my bed, though, I see truth, innocence, and beauty. I watch her sleeping, breathing steadily, lost in dreams. Her scent consumes my room - the fresh and clean to my small existing life. She’s fuckin’ beautiful, fragile, but able to endure so much. She’s completely undeniable.

I take in a deep breath as I wonder if this was such a good idea.

Luckily, I’m exhausted. Forcing myself to let go of the tempting thoughts of Cherry, I drop off into a restful sleep.

Cherry

“I don’t think she knows anything. If she did, she would’ve already given it up. No one could keep going like she is without breaking and sayin’ something. She hasn’t even offered a lie. I don’t think she knows shit about anything.” The laugh bounces in echo off the cement walls of this basement. “I fucked her up pretty hard, too.”

“Pump her, then. High as a fuckin’ kite. Warren needs the info, so break her.” The voice is familiar, but I can’t see who it is through the bloody blindfold.

My body aches; my head throbs, my ribs feel as though they’re pushing on my lungs, making it difficult to breathe and my wrists are tight and raw from the roped restraints. My hair feels heavy, likely from the blood that clings to it as it runs down and off my forehead and face.

Pictures were taken. I was told to smile and, as painful as it was, I did, fearing the consequence.

‘Please, let me go. I don’t know the answers to the questions you’re asking,’ I think to myself in the quiet of this terrified darkness.

I feel his hands on me again. I don’t know his name. I only know these men by their personal scents and demented voices. This one specifically is viler than the last.

Venomous. Evil. Soulless. Faceless. The Devil’s children walking the Earth.

“You’re a good girl aren’t you, Cherry? I’m about to give you something for the pain. Breathe in for me now.”

My breaths are ragged from being gagged. I don’t have a choice but to breathe through my nose and, as I do, I inhale a heavy dose of what he’s offering.

Moments later, he’s lying on top of my body again, driving his cock into me, pushing through the tears and bruises he’s already caused.

I can’t do this… I can’t do this… I can’t breathe… please, just let me die.

Hearing a voice call my name, I try to focus on his familiar tone.

Ace…

* * *

“Fuck, Cherry! Wake up! Can you hear me?”

I’m being shaken. I’m not in that dungeon. I’m with Ace, safe in his room.

Oh, God, will they ever let me go?

Once I open my eyes, he stops screaming. I feel his finger trace my forehead and trail down my temple, a slow and careful gesture of compassion. He’s on top of me, pinning me down, waiting for me to say something. He’s offering me a moment to tell him I’m awake and admit it to him it was just another nightmare. Saddened, I admit only to myself that my life is a living nightmare and I’ll never wake from its strangled hold, only left to carefully maneuver around it during my waking hours, but submitting to its darkness in my sleep.

Ace doesn’t scare me. The weight of his body isn’t threatening. It’s protecting. I see his brown eyes, filled with remorse and concern, stare down at me in the moon’s light through the window shades.

My voice, terrified and shaking, asks, “Did I wake you?”

Continuing to rub my temple, he leans his face to my forehead and kisses it softly. Making his way to my cheek, he kisses that, too. “I hadn’t been sleeping long. You all right?”

I don’t say anything for a second, for fear if I tell him I’m okay he’d know I was lying. My eyes fill, not from the horror of my most recent visit back to Greyson, but from Ace’s genuine care and concern. “Will I ever forget them?”

Honesty
.

If I can rely on anything from Ace, it’s always been that. “No, I don’t think it’s possible to forget, but eventually you’ll make other memories – good ones that will outlive the bad ones.”

I sigh, not believing he’s right. Spreading my thighs so he can rest his body between them, he adjusts himself carefully so he doesn’t scare me with his sleep-induced arousal. His forearms frame my head, and he uses them to hold his face and shoulders above mine.

My voice breaks again with a confession. “I want to forget. I’m so tired of being their victim.”

“They’re dead, Cherry. You’re nobody’s victim anymore.”

Greyson and Warren are dead. Vinnie and Marcus are not.

“They’re alive in my dreams, Ace. How do I get rid of them? Even in my own subconscious, I’m not strong enough to kill them.” Letting me succumb to tears, Ace falls to the side and takes me with him.

Wrapping his arm around me and pulling my body onto his, he puts my head on his chest and uses his fingers to stroke my face, coaxing me into a relaxed state. His heartbeat against my ear gives me something to count, a way of distraction. My tears are falling on his chest. Every tenth beat, I measure, I let another one fall.

Finally, after several minutes pass and I think he’s fallen asleep, Ace starts to hum. The song is familiar, but I can’t place its words. It’s soothing and not long after, I feel myself relax in his hold.

In a tone I already know not to attempt to debate, Ace gives his instruction. “You’re in here from now on. Every night, Cherry. Don’t argue the reasoning; you already know the why.”

“You knew I was having nightmares?”

Hesitantly, he hands me the truth. “Yes. I heard you out there sometimes. I never knew if I should wake you or let you fight your way through it. They didn’t last long and it wasn’t every night, but I heard you.” Bending his neck, he kisses the crown of my head softly. “No one will hurt you here. I want you to believe that.”

“I do.”

CHAPTER SIX

Ace

THIS FUCKIN’ DAY is draggin’, inching past minute by minute. Travis picked Cherry up five and a half hours ago. My text messages are going unanswered, my calls are being ignored and I’ve decided that if someone doesn’t get back to me within the hour, I’m going out on my own to find them. She’s not safe wandering the streets of this city with only Travis there to watch for her. She’s safe here, in this apartment, with me.

Cherry appeared rested this morning after she finally woke up. Last night, she slept soundly in my arms and didn’t once move; she didn’t even flinch. I didn’t sleep, although tempted by the steady rhythm of her breath on my chest. I fought against it, enjoying just being able to hold her and being satisfied to watch her rest contently for one night.

When Travis got here to pick her up this afternoon, she looked happy;
so much so, she may as well have been fucking
glowing
. She gazed at him with a recognition I hated. The look on his face was parallel to hers. He’s said more words in her presence in the last fuckin’ two days than he’s said to Hayden, Toby, and me in a fuckin’ month, and we’re his best friends. It’s as if even their spirits hold conversations between them and those of us that are less damaged are left without any way to comprehend what’s being said.

Travis claims he has no romantic or sexual interest in Cherry, but how could he not? How could
anyone
not? She’s beautiful, resilient, caring, brave, and she carries with her an unbreakable soul that makes a man want to worship, protect, and cherish it.

Fuck, I’m going crazy thinking through the list of absolute reasons any man would want to make her his.

“Ace, honey, what is it you’re waiting for?”

Bean’s home today, all day. I’ve dodged her frequently and intentionally since I brought Cherry home. Bean has been adamant about my feelings for Sadey not being love, but being something else. I’ve ignored her attempts to explain to me what it is she thinks I feel. I love Bean, whole-heartedly adore the woman, but telling her how I “feel” about any woman makes me sweat and shift with an uncomfortable ease. There are some things men just do
not
talk to their grandmothers about. Sex and love… number one and two.

Rolling my eyes, I sigh and ask, knowing it’s what she wants; she’s prodding me. “What are you talking about, Bean?”

“You’re wearing a hole in that carpet with the constant pacing on that floor. Your girl will be home soon enough.”

“I’m not pacing, and she’ll be home when Travis brings her home. And don’t call her my girl.” I’m so full of shit, but continue anyway. I need her to back off. “The boys are busy today, so I’m here spending the day with you.”

Right
. Toby and Hayden were livid when I cancelled today’s practice. That was my friends’ attempt to keep me occupied because they knew I was dreading this. I didn’t fall for their bullshit, and Hayden voiced his opinion briefly this morning on the phone before I disconnected the call.

“You are. Ace, you know, I may be old and my opinion may not be worth anything to you, but I make for a good listener.”

“Bean, stop. No.”

“I am. I used to listen to your heartbreak over those characters. Who were they again?” Answering her own question, she finishes, “The Power Rangers. Was that what they were?”

“This isn’t about cartoons, Bean.” God, the woman forgets nothing.

“I used to listen to your anger regarding Sylvie, too. Remember?”

A bad taste in my mouth develops remembering the name of my dead wife. “This isn’t about Sylvie, either.”

“And Sadey…”

I’ve had enough. I’m already on edge, and my sweet grandma won’t stop picking. “Fuck, Bean, what do you want from me?”

“I want you to be honest with me.”

“No, you really don’t.” I say this while standing up from the couch and moving toward the window at its right side. I’m looking out into a city that Cherry’s walking around in, leaving me home in this apartment fearing for her safety.

“Tell me, Mark. Tell me what you’re feeling. You’ve not been the same since you came home.”

The sound of my name,
my father’s name
, coming from Bean triggers me. My anger releases before I have time to reel it back. I turn, looking at my grandmother, who I love dearly, as she leans her small body against the bar waiting for my confession. “Honest? Fine. Here’s honest: I miss Sadey, Bean. I see her in everything. After all this time, she’s still everywhere and I can’t get rid of her. I’ve tried, but I can’t. I want to call her, but stop myself knowin’ she doesn’t want to hear from me. I want to hate her but can’t because she’s given me no reason. It would hurt less if she were
dead
.”