Diary of a Teenage Taxidermist (27 page)

“I’m just being practical, Ethan. There is no guarantee that it’ll actually turn into a steady job. I’ve made a decision a few years ago, why are you questioning it?”

Ethan kicked the side of the door without much force. “Because I want to be with you.”

Robert swallowed and leaned closer again. His hand found Ethan’s, and he slowly moved his nose along Ethan’s ear. How could he respond to that? Of course, he wanted that, too. Who wouldn’t? He’d most likely never meet anyone quite like Ethan. There was no one else like him. “Me too...”

Ethan didn’t respond to the touch, but didn’t pull away either. “Let’s just go home.”

Robert stayed still for several moments, but when nothing happened, he straightened up in the seat and switched on the engine. He didn’t know what to say so he chose to give Ethan time to think about all this in peace.

Ethan leaned his head against the window, and Rob was worried his head would bump on it if they took a sharp turn, so he drove with extra care.

Mom was working the night again, and with both Ethan and Robert not in the mood to talk, getting back home was like entering a tomb. Rob never stopped following Ethan with his gaze, and he leaned against the wall, with a dull pressure in his chest and throat.  “You want to eat something?” he eventually asked.

Ethan took off the Choco Panda shirt as soon as they got in. “Nah, I had a muffin at work.” He went to the kitchen and poured himself some juice.

Robert gravitated toward him but stopped at the threshold, unsure whether he should invade Ethan’s personal space, which seemed to have grown to the size of a room.

Ethan leaned against the countertop in just his skinny jeans, making it impossible for Robert to focus properly without glancing at the pink nipples. “I’ll do some more work later. Um… Maybe I’ll sleep in the guest room to not wake you up,” he said without looking up.

Robert stared at him, and cold phantom hands clenched around his neck. Since they’d moved in together, all nights had been spent in Robert’s bed, and he was starting to take it for granted. Was Ethan really so upset with him?

Ethan put on a hoodie he’d left laying around in the kitchen and drank his juice. He finally looked up from above the glass, his single blue eye piercing right into Robert, and it was like standing in the polar wind with little shards of ice blowing his way.

Rob cleared his throat and pulled on his index finger. “Are you angry?”

“I don’t know. I know I’m not happy, but I don’t wanna force you into anything. I don’t wanna lose you either, and at the moment, I’m not really sure where we’re both heading.” Ethan zipped up his hoodie and put away the empty glass.

Robert swallowed, and stepped into the kitchen. His feet felt as if he were wearing lead shoes, but he needed to be closer. “Even if we live in different cities, I could come over for the weekends,” he uttered.

“We won’t be able to do projects together anymore.” Ethan took a few steps away with a miserable face.

Robert looked at his feet. He had no words to respond to that. He wanted to share his passions with Ethan, wake up next to him, make him dinner, and watch him succeed. But this whole thing was happening too quickly.

“Why don’t you say anything?” Ethan groaned and took a deep breath. “Do you not care about this? Is a safety net all you want? Is that really what you’re about?” Each question was louder, resonating within the walls of the empty house and threatening to hit Robert.

Rob opened his mouth, but with his lungs burning, it took him a while to be able to steady his voice enough to speak. “Of course I do. I love you.”

“I don’t know if I can just live away from you.” Ethan frantically rubbed his eye. “You know me, I’m not good at socializing, I won’t meet anyone else, but you’ll be at college with tons of new people. You’ll probably meet some hot footballer and soon enough you’ll be visiting me once a month, and then even that will dry up.” Ethan took deep breaths that couldn’t hide his exasperation.

That stung. Robert inhaled sharply and looked away, fighting the prickling around his eyes. “Don’t you trust me? Do you really think I would cheat on you?”

Ethan curled his hands into his sleeves. “I don’t know! Look how much life has changed for us in just the last six months. How do I know what it’s going to be like in a year’s time?”

Robert pressed his lips together, and his jaw clenched so hard it hurt. Lightheaded, he’d love to just curl up in his lair and lick the wound.

“You don’t want to even try and work with me?” Ethan groaned, a frown deepening on his face. “Couldn’t you take the plunge just once? What’s the worst that could happen? Jesus Christ!”

Robert folded his arms across his chest and swallowed, finding it hard to look up into the accusing eye. Ethan did not trust him. He believed Rob was a coward.

Ethan screamed in frustration and threw his hands in the air. “And you’ve got nothing to say!” He walked up to Rob and for a moment it seemed like he wanted to push him, but in the end just passed him in the door. “You’re just as talkative as my rats!”

Robert looked over his arm, shocked by the comparison. He couldn’t breathe. Was this Ethan leaving him? He had no idea, and he didn’t know anyone he could ask.

He watched Ethan’s tense silhouette disappear in the corridor, followed by muttering and a slamming door. The kitchen had never felt so empty and uninviting.

Robert slowly forced his muscles to move and walked up to the fridge. He got quicker by the second, and soon, his knife was dancing over the chopping board, leaving tiny particles of chocolate as the milk heated up in the pot. He didn’t want to think about anything but this. He’d make delicious, smooth chocolate, thick enough to line his aching insides. Then, searing pain flashed through his hand, and he gasped, looking at the red pool, rapidly swallowing the chopped chocolate.

“Fuck,” he uttered, moving toward the sink and leaving red droplets on the floor. He hissed when the cold water flooded the cut, and he turned his finger so that the stream wouldn’t hit the inner side of the flap of skin on the tip of his index finger. Just like that, there were tears on his cheeks, and he couldn’t hold back a sob as he watched the pinkish water going down the drain.

Chapter 20

Ethan couldn’t sleep in the guest room. He tossed and turned all night, missing Robert’s warm embrace, the strong arm around his waist, and the chats before falling asleep. The argument from a few hours before kept spinning in his head like that freaking spinning top from
Inception
. He wished he could have expressed himself differently, but it was too late now. Robert probably didn’t want to see his face. It was the silence from Rob that brought out the monster in Ethan. They couldn’t even have a proper conversation because Robert would just bottle it all up and stand there without a word.

Ethan couldn’t get over the fact that their art projects received such recognition, with the comments and e-mails swelling overnight, yet Robert would still not want to give it a shot. Ethan knew Rob was happiest when he could work on his food stuff. Sure, Rob was also ridiculously pragmatic and cared too much about safety, but at the end of the day, his foodie blog was his passion, and it made Ethan physically ache when he thought Rob would give it up to study something he wasn’t all that interested in and spend time playing a sport he wasn’t that keen on either.

At one point in the night, Ethan noticed he was getting so worked up he clenched his fingers into fists so hard he scratched himself. He couldn’t believe they would have such a horrible fight just before graduation, just when Ethan had finished a present he had made for Robert. Something that was to cement them as a couple. He felt like the biggest idiot. On the other hand, if Rob was so obsessed with a safety net that he was willing to give up his passion for some time and still make plans to visit Ethan as often as he could, then maybe Ethan was selfish to try and push him in another direction.

Since he couldn’t sleep anyway, Ethan got the laptop into bed and started absentmindedly checking the e-mails received overnight. There were requests for features, some praise, a crazy vegan telling him his artwork was a disgrace to humanity, quite a few sales on his online store, and one e-mail that got him to sit up and blink.

An art gallery in Seattle wanted to buy
Of Mice and Elk
. His heart started pounding like mad. The price for it was ten thousand dollars. When he set it, he didn’t really think he’d sell it quickly, or at all for that matter. It had to be the popularity of the magazine feature that made him look more legit, not like a teenager working out of his boyfriend’s basement. The money made from a sale like that would help him rent a place in Seattle and work on other projects without struggling with money for a few months.

He answered the e-mail in the most professional manner he could muster, but what popped up in his mind in an instant was just how much he wanted to share the news with Robert. There was no one in his life who would appreciate it more. Sure, he would tell his parents later, but Rob was a priority. And he wouldn’t do it by text just because he was embarrassed by the earlier outburst. He had to face the music and apologize. Only now it hit him that it wasn’t fair for him to push Robert so hard. Rob was the one person to believe in him, support his decisions, even if they were risky, and love him despite his missing eye and other health problems. Ethan wished he could be more like Rob. His first step would be to accept Robert’s decision about college, even if he didn’t like it.

He couldn’t cook for shit so breakfast in bed was out of the question, but he could think of something else to make amends for his nastiness.

He took a shower and washed his hair to look presentable. Just in case he would meet Rob’s mom in the corridor, he put on a pair of jeans as he walked down to the basement. The present for Rob was something he had been working on for a while. It was a black weasel, to match the white one in a letter jacket. This one had an eye patch, tiny black-rimmed glasses Ethan had scavenged off a doll he bought at a garage sale, and Ethan had even made a bone necklace for it. It sat in a wooden chair and slouched over its paws, and he knew exactly what he intended to put into those tiny fingers.

With his nerves twisting and turning, he took his project over to Rob’s room, nervous that all he might get could be an order to leave. He was about to prove that he really was a bit insane. He stood in front of the door, and the tension in his body was already making him sweat. He squeezed his fingers on the little chair he was holding and imagined Robert on the bed, curled into a ball on his right side, like he liked to sleep. On nights when Ethan worked downstairs till late, he would slip under the comforter and hug Rob from behind. Sometimes, Rob would even wake up, and they’d kiss or have sex, and fall asleep covered in sweat and come.

Ethan gently pressed on the door handle and peeked inside, cringing at the sight in front of him. The bed was at the center of the room, and in the moonlight streaming through the window, Robert seemed so small and lonely curled up beneath the comforter. He’d pulled the cover around him like a tight cocoon and lay on his left side for once. Ethan choked up when he realized Rob was facing the weasel figure on the nightstand, and lay on the furry bedspread they always had sex on.

He slipped inside and quietly walked over there. Both weasels wouldn’t fit on top of the nightstand, so he kneeled and put the black one on the floor before reaching out to get the white one down as well.

“What are you doing?” Robert’s voice was raspy and flat.

Ethan froze, suddenly overtaken by panic. He wasn’t ready yet! “Just this… thing.”

“Are you moving out?” whispered Robert, but his body didn’t move by an inch. Suddenly, even the cool night air was burning hot against Ethan’s skin.

He got the white weasel to the floor and let out a long breath. “No.” He plopped to his ass and ran his fingers through his hair. Why was it so hard to find the words now when they were needed?

Finally, the rustle of covers made him look up at Rob, who sat cross-legged on the mattress, his face so blank Ethan wanted to cry in shame for making him like this.

“I just… I wanted to apologize,” Ethan whispered. “I wasn’t fair. I guess we just both deal with things differently. I shouldn’t have pushed you, you’ll do what you think is right,” he said even though Rob’s decision made him want to scream and shout.

The sigh that left Rob’s chest carried so much relief, it made Ethan even more ashamed of his earlier reaction. Rob was like him in many ways, but he was not
him
, and Ethan needed to respect that.

Robert shifted closer on the bed and spoke his name.

Ethan took a deep breath, afraid he was getting close to hyperventilating over what he was about to do. “So, even if we end up living in different places for some time, I want our relationship to work. I want to make a commitment.” He paused, too nervous for words, and picked up the black weasel which held a simple dark signet in its tiny paws. “Will you marry me one day?” Ethan looked into Rob’s gorgeous green eyes and knew he never wanted another man in his life. Nobody else would be so understanding and caring. It wasn’t just about Robert being insanely hot. Ethan wanted all of him, and would love him even if something damaged his good looks.

Robert let out a choked sound, and his eyes narrowed, but before Ethan could look away, Rob stretched out his hand, brushing the backs of his fingers over Ethan’s cheek. The touch was brief and gentle but made Ethan’s blood flow quicker. There was a tornado in his chest, and the only thing that could stop it was acceptance.

“You’re for real...” whispered Rob, almost noiselessly.

Ethan nodded. “Take it or I’m gonna cry,” he tried to make it sound like a joke, but only managed a nervous chuckle.

Rob snorted, his eyes closing, but a hint of a smile was there, and it grew until it was so wide, Rob looked almost like Joker. In a good way. “I can’t believe you,” he said, pulling on Ethan’s shoulder to bring him closer.

Ethan scrambled up to the bed with the weasel in his hands, his stomach in twisted knots about Rob not taking the ring. It wasn’t like he wanted to get married tomorrow, he just wanted them to commit to it, for Robert to know how important this was to him.

Robert’s smile softened when he looked at the taxidermy, and for a long moment, he didn’t say anything. He slowly petted the top of the weasel’s head with his finger and traced his hand lower, to the ring. Ethan followed the movement with his heartbeat all the way in his throat, but when Rob raised his hand, the simple band was already on his ring finger, close to a thick layer of bandage on the index finger. There was no mistaking the glow in his bright eyes though. “I love you.”

Ethan exhaled in relief and carefully put the weasel on the floor before rushing to hug Robert. “I love you too. I’m so sorry about yesterday.” He wrapped his arms around Rob’s neck and kissed his lips as if it had been ages since he’d done it. Robert pulled him into a tight hug and groaned as Ethan deepened the kiss, stroking Rob’s palate with the tip of his tongue. It was positively carnivorous.

Robert fell back on the mattress, taking Ethan with him into a tumble of sheets and limbs. Ethan had to be the happiest man alive. He slid his fingers under Rob’s T-shirt and onto his firm muscles. “What happened to your finger?” he whispered between one kiss and another, his dick already reacting with the same enthusiasm his mind had.

Robert chuckled and pulled on Ethan’s shirt, apparently intent on yanking it over his head. “Cooking accident.”

“I’ll kiss it all better.” Ethan smiled at him and pulled Rob’s hand closer to deliver on his promise. He might be smaller, but he still enjoyed lying on top of his lover.

Robert laughed and nuzzled the tip of Ethan’s nose as soon as he got the shirt off him. Rob’s skin was always so warm and naturally smooth. Aside from the head and pubic area, Rob only had a bit of fair hair dusted over his legs and forearms. “Such a sweet fiancé I have...”

“Except for when he’s throwing a fit.” Ethan laughed and gently kissed the bandage. He never stopped roaming his hands over Rob’s skin, enjoying the goose bumps under his fingertips.

Robert pushed Ethan to the side so they faced each other on the bed, and hid his warm face in Ethan’s neck, making him shudder with excitement.

“As long as you’re mine,” whispered Rob.

“I want to make
you
mine tonight,” Ethan uttered breathlessly, hoping it wasn’t a too vague way to say he wanted to top, to see how it would feel and give Rob an experience he himself loved.

Air brushed against his neck as Rob inhaled sharply before pulling away just enough to look at Ethan. The moonlight reflected in his eyes, softening the gaze. He slowly chewed on his bottom lip and stroked Ethan’s shoulder. “But I want the plain lube.”

Ethan chuckled, leaned closer, and kissed Rob’s lips. He knew that at school everyone thought of him as Rob’s ‘girl’, but tonight, with his ring on Rob’s finger, he felt like a real man. “You sure you don’t want a chili pepper lube?”

Robert snorted and leaned forward, pressing a kiss to Ethan’s chin. He didn’t seem intimidated or displeased by Ethan’s idea at all. “If there’s one place on the body where chili peppers don’t belong, it’s my ass.”

Ethan deepened the kiss feeling like the happiest weasel on the planet. “I love you,” he whispered into Rob’s lips, slowly rocking his hips on top of Rob, his dick already attentive.

Robert looked at him with a small smile, and when he nuzzled Ethan’s nose, his mouth stretched even farther. “Should I be scared now?” he chuckled, and Ethan shivered, feeling the familiar warmth of Robert’s fingers on his stomach, just above his waistband.

“I hope not.” Excitement spurred on by the touch went all the way to his balls. He was really gonna do it, and Rob seemed more than happy to be taken for the ride. This was stuff wet dreams were made of.

Rob leaned even closer, and soon they were chest to chest, forehead to forehead, their legs entwining. His warm breath tickled Ethan’s lips, and when those big, warm hands slipped inside Ethan’s pants, it was like being touched by the heavens. Robert pushed the jeans low on Ethan’s hips and pulled out his rapidly hardening cock.

“I’ll make it good for you,” Ethan stroked Rob’s back and let his hands slip lower, to Rob’s gorgeous ass, always so firm to the touch. It was going to be just them forever, and Ethan knew he would be Rob’s first and only guy. He would fight for it if need be.

“I know. It’s always good,” muttered Robert. He pushed his hips back against Ethan’s hands but kept up the gentle tugging at his cock, slowly working Ethan to full hardness. They always focused more on Ethan’s ass by default so it was a bit unnerving to start something new for once, but Ethan knew it would bring them even closer.

Ethan closed his eye and let their lips melt together as he kneaded Rob’s buttocks, with his fingers slightly in between them. The hand on his dick was only helping him imagine how it would be to lie on top of Rob, slide inside of him, and watch that broad, muscular back tense up.

Robert pulled on Ethan’s lips and rolled over to his back, which also meant he had to let go of Ethan’s cock. “Pull them off,” he rasped.

Ethan grinned like a maniac and got rid of his jeans and pants like he was the express train to nakedness. “What are you waiting for?” He laughed and pulled on the waistband of Rob’s pants. Rob’s cock never ceased to amaze him with its awesomeness.

“You,” chuckled Rob, lying back and wiggling his eyebrows in challenge. There was a healthy blush on his cheeks, and he pulled Ethan on top of him with a silly grin.

“Oh yeah, don’t start without me.” Ethan snorted and left a kiss on Rob’s jaw. At least when they lay down, the difference in height wasn’t that prominent. Ethan had grown to deal with the fact that he would most probably be short all his life.