Diary of an Expat in Singapore (43 page)

Spend an entire day at Sentosa without getting heat stroke.

This is a tough one. The popular island resort is like Disneyland, Miami, and Las Vegas all rolled into one. It just happens to be the hottest place in all of Singapore. Forget to drink water and you could die. It’s happened. Spend an entire day there and you’re guaranteed to need mineral salts just to get out of bed the next day to ward off deadly dehydration effects. Kids seem to enjoy it and it is relatively inexpensive… sorry did I say relatively inexpensive? I meant to say ridiculously expensive. If you do go, the only person happier than your kids will be Visa.

Do morning tai chi at the Botanic Gardens.

Join the silent army of little old people, who are fitter at 80 than you were at 20… you won’t feel inadequate or out of shape. Right. You will be doing something good for your body and soul. Just ignore the life-threatening electric storms, the crazy kids trying to hit you with a frisbee, and the rabid unleashed dogs lunging for your neck and… relax.

Learn the difference between Hokkien and Teochew.

Never mistake one Chinese dialect for another. That’s like mistaking French for German. There will be unpleasant repercussions. Instead, you could begin all conversations with the savvy, much-loved ice-breaker: “Is that Hokkien?” Of course, if the sentence you are referring to was actually spoken in English, you might not get the admiring response you were hoping for. But nobody can say you didn’t try.

Sit through a Chinese opera.

Pleasant? Yes, if you compare it to getting a stubbed toe. Or if you consider three straight hours of crossdressing, dire story lines, and falsetto singing in a language you don’t understand a treat. Come to think of it: you can get that at an Italian opera.

Get a fish pedicure.

Sure, why not? Just throw in a piranha and we’ll call it a night. I don’t think so. As it is, I’m the least popular client at the nail salon because of my freakishly ticklish feet. Add the nibbling flesh-eating fish and it wouldn’t be pretty. I’d rather my fish in an aquarium or in a frying pan with lemon and olive oil, thank you very much.

Take a bumboat to Pulau Ubin.

Venture out to see the way kampong life in Singapore used to be. Tip: Spraying yourself with Tiger Balm to keep away potential mosquitoes will not endear you to the other passengers on the boat. And, hurry up, there are rumours that this heritage treasure has a limited lifetime because of its prime real estate potential.

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T
HE FACT THAT
I have yet to cross even one of these items off my bucket list is proof that there is a lot left to experience here in Singapore. If you have your own bucket list, you’d better get started, because, in the words of John Lennon: “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” Goodbye for now, I need to buy some durian.

J
ENNIFER
G
ARGIULO
is an author, university lecturer and blogger. After a degree in philosophy at Vassar College and a PhD in literature at the University of Sydney, she decided it was time to embark on an even more lucrative career path and wisely chose creative writing. Originally from Verona, Italy, she has lived in Singapore for the past seven years with her husband, Michele, and two children, Alexander and Eliot, and spends most of her free time drinking coffee, up dating her blog, and eating macarons.