Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (10 page)
Read Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission Online
Authors: Gloria G. Brame,William D. Brame,Jon Jacobs
Tags: #Education & Reference, #Health; Fitness & Dieting, #Psychology & Counseling, #Sexuality, #Reference, #Self-Help, #Relationships, #Love & Romance, #Sex
The first, probably the most important [problem] in this day and age is legal constraints. It’s not that the laws have changed; it’s the way personal freedoms are interpreted. [For example], I could never film a golden shower in one of my videos today. It is not more illegal, but it is economically unfeasible. The average prosecutor wants to go after pornography. Say it’s getting close to an election: The prosecutor will pick an easy target. Pornography is one of the easiest targets. But to the average audience, straight, good old-fashioned humping is no longer as taboo as it used to be. He knows that if he goes after run-of-the-mill porno, he is going to have a harder time
getting a conviction. Golden showers, fist fucking, enemas, things that the average person is going to interpret as perverse: Since I’m very allergic to jail cells, I leave [these things] out of my films because [then] I am less likely to get picked off the shelf in Podunk, Iowa, and face a court battle which would make it economically unfeasible for me to do business.
I do not have any sex in my fetish films. I do a lot of shooting in Europe [and] I make two versions because the Europeans are strange: They like sex in their sex films. So I shoot two versions of everything that I do in Europe. Hard core [is] for release in Europe only. Every time I go to Europe, I’m less excited about coming back here. There have been increased prosecutions all over the country. [But] I’m here and I’m in the fight. I don’t like to be, but my only other choice is getting out of the business I’ve been in for 22 years. I’m [definitely]
not
a champion of pornography. I don’t think we’re doing any great social work. These are fuck films. They’re entertainment, not brain surgery. On the other hand, I don’t think we’re doing any harm. We make these for adults with adults, and what adults want to do in their own damn home is their own damn business, as long as nobody is harmed. I am a champion of personal freedom. The right to have fun is not in the Constitution [and] not protected. So I vote Liberal and pray for the Supreme Court justices to see the light.
Three
HE
ABC
S OF
D&S
The things that seem beautiful, inspiring, and life-affirming to me seem ugly, hateful, and ludicrous to most other people. This may be the most painful part of being a sadomasochist: this experience of radical difference, separation at the root of perception. Our culture insists on sexual uniformity and does not acknowledge any neutral differences—only crimes, sins, diseases, and mistakes
.
—P
AT
C
ALIFIA
1
T
his chapter is a primer of the principal issues and concepts that are familiar to members of the D&S communities. The D&S subculture has a highly sophisticated ethos to guide erotic play, which comprises ethical codes, safety rules, and communication tools. The intention of this mostly unwritten
ars erotica
is to help ensure that a maximum number of people experience D&S as a positive and loving expression of sexuality. Also, as the subculture has expanded, it has developed its own philosophies and jargon.
We feature four interviews:
• Victoria is 29 years old and a high-school English teacher. She lives with Leonard.
• Leonard is 50 years old and the owner of a private business.
• Biff is 37 years old and married. An armed-forces veteran, he now works as a paramedic.
• Genevieve Reynolds is 29 years old and works as a computer professional. She lives in California.
HAT’S IN A
W
ORD?
Redefining sadomasochism has become an important task for many D&Sers. The English language does not make the distinction between the criminal sadist who enjoys causing desperate agony in a victim and the sexual sadist who seeks romantic fulfillment with an eager and consenting partner. Thus, some D&Sers wish to change the negative connotations of
sadomasochist
and use the word as a proudly political statement. Others prefer to use the slightly less controversial terms
dominance and submission
(D&S) or
bondage and discipline
(B&D).
The connotations of S/M are loaded. Every notorious person in history has been called a sadist, and every [human] doormat has been known as a masochist. I think that as a community we’d be better off abandoning those terms. I don’t choose to use those words myself. I think that people should know that the Scene is made up of people like themselves: ministers, accountants, shipping clerks, psychologists, dentists, attorneys, sculptors, anything
.
—L
ANCE
The war over words is regularly fought and seldom won. The linguistic dilemma has no easy solution. Support and educational groups and private collectives continually debate D&S terminology and its practical meaning. For example, if the sexual sadist’s pleasure derives in great part (as most D&Sers claim) from the pleasure of the submissive, is it really sadism? And if a dominant’s first priority is to give pleasure to a submissive, is this really dominance?
In essence, the dominant is pleasing her submissive. In that sense, she is submissive to the will of the other
.
—M
ARIE
-C
ONSTANCE
Similar debate rages over the terms
submissive, masochist
, and
slave
.
To me a slave is someone who is controlled out of fear, who has no other place to go because all the other options have been chopped off
.
I can’t understand how a woman could allow herself to be referred to as a slave. It turns my stomach. I don’t [think] that most white people are educated enough about slavery to understand the implications of the term. To me it’s not a term you play with. The moment I become a slave [is] the moment I give up my will. And the moment I give up my will, I shouldn’t expect anyone to respect me at all. And I demand respect from everyone, including my lover
.
—V
ICTORIA
Debate notwithstanding, D&S jargon is familiar to most people in the Scene. Below is a brief glossary; other terms are explored in greater depth throughout this chapter.
B&Der:
one who includes aspects of bondage and discipline in erotic life.
Bedroom D&S:
D&S confined to a purely erotic encounter.
D&Ser:
a person who enjoys sensual dominance or submission.
Dominant, or Top:
a person who exerts sensual control.
Top
may also be used as a verb (e.g., “She likes to top macho men”).
Flagging:
traditional gay-male practice of displaying a colored bandanna in a rear pocket to identify one’s erotic interest.
Leatherman, or Leatherwoman:
usually a gay or lesbian D&Ser, but any member of the leather communities.
Leathersexuality:
originally, gay leather subculture.
Left-Right Codes:
bandannas, keys, or leather items worn on the left signify dominance; worn on the right, they signify submission.
Lifestyle:
refers to people who view D&S as central to their erotic lives.
Masochist:
one who is aroused by receiving pain.
Master:
a male dominant.
Mistress, Dominatrix, or Fem Dom: a
female dominant.
Play:
D&S erotic encounters.
Play Parties:
social gatherings where D&S play may occur.
Power Exchange:
the willing surrender of sensual control by a submissive to a dominant.
Professional Dominant, or Pro Dom:
a dominant who is paid to engage in D&S activity. (Professional submissives exist, but are considerably rarer.)
S/Mer (also S&Mer), or Sadomasochist:
generally, a person for whom the giving or receiving of pain is erotic.
Sadist:
one who is aroused by giving pain.
Scene:
the organized or social aspects of D&S. To be “in the Scene” may mean that one openly participates in support groups, attends clubs, or joins in other social activities. “A scene” may also refer to a particular
interest (e.g., “His scene is bondage”), or, more narrowly, to a specific erotic episode (e.g., “She did a scene with her submissive last night”).
Session:
an erotic D&S episode (e.g., “We had a hot session the other day”). Usually refers to professional dominance.
Slave:
usually refers to submissive who—in fantasy or in reality—participates in ownership scenarios.
Submissive, or Bottom: a
person who is sensually controlled.
Bottom
may also be used as a verb (e.g., “She bottoms to him”).
Switch:
a person who enjoys both the dominant (or sadistic) and submissive (or masochistic) role and “switches” roles.
Vanilla:
conventional relations, or any intimate relations that do not include D&S or S/M sexuality.
HE
C
REDO:
“S
AFE
, S
ANE, AND
C
ONSENSUAL”
[A D&S relationship] … takes place in a context of awareness. Its purpose may be emotional bonding, a way of achieving new levels of intimacy; it may be spiritual, seeking to transcend ego states. In the S/M and D&S communities there is a rubric that goes “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” In my observation, the people who are engaged consciously and volitionally in S/M and D&S relationships by and large adhere to this phrase
.
—W
ILLIAM
A. H
ENKIN
“Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is the universally accepted credo and philosophical core of the D&S subculture. The phrase—formulated by gay men in and around the Gay Male S/M Activists [GMSMA]—articulates basic moral guidelines for contemporary D&S relationships. While the ramifications of “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” are subject to debate, we summarize below the basic ideas underlying the credo.
This refers to physical safety, which is a cherished priority of “serious players” (i.e., those who are sincerely committed to D&S sexuality), who recognize the potential risk of inflicting extreme stimulus upon even a willing partner. The limits of genuinely safe play are constantly debated in the D&S community. Nonetheless, certain tenets are universal.
• Safe Sex: AIDS awareness and adherence to safer sex guidelines.
• Protection of Vital Organs: no activity which injures vital organs.
• No Meaningful Damage: no irreversible damage of any kind, nor any kind or degree of pain that the submissive did not request or knowledgeably consent to.
To ensure physical safety, most couples use a
safe word
(also known as a
safety word
, a
stop word
, or a
code word
). The submissive may use the safe word to signal distress. Dominants either cease all activity when the submissive pronounces the safe word or declare a temporary time-out, during which they may discuss the submissive’s feelings or reassure or cuddle the submissive. Safe words are selected before any D&S activity begins. They may be negotiated between partners or assigned by the dominant. The word(s) chosen is intentionally inappropriate to an erotic context, so that there can be no mistaking a “no” which means “yes” for an unequivocal “stop!” If a submissive is gagged or otherwise muted, a
safe gesture
or other signal is substituted.
A safe word allows the submissive to retain some control over how far things will go and permits the dominant to feel secure that he or she isn’t genuinely harming the submissive, but a safe word is
not
a substitute for communication, nor for responsibility on the part of the dominant. Experienced D&Sers advise novices to question a dominant carefully before beginning an encounter or to obtain word-of-mouth recommendations from mutual friends.
Some D&Sers fear that safe words encourage complacency. Safe words do not guarantee a safe encounter if the dominant is irresponsible or untrustworthy or if the submissive is extremely naive or self-destructive. Some also believe that safe words allow submissives to
run the scene
, or
run it from the bottom
(in other words, the submissive determines the limits of any given activity) and that this conflicts with the notion of a genuine consensual surrender of power. Nonetheless, safe words are a preferred communications tool and are particularly important early in a relationship. Over time, they may become unnecessary.