Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (26 page)

I remember going out with one of my boys. We would go to a bar and cruise the chicks, the babes—whatever you want to call it. I’d show my boy how this is done; daddy takes the lead. I’ve [also] taught some boys how to use the whip, because a lot of them want to be tops: They’re gaining some expertise from you as well. We’ve also done scenes where we’ve gone to a party and topped someone else. The two of us would top [an]other woman. This woman would [perhaps] be tied up and watching what’s going on, and at some point we might break and start kissing or making out or touching
each other. It is a turn-on, because this person is tied up and wanting both of you at the same time and not able to have either of you.

With boys it’s been intrinsically short-term, because they seem to need change. They may be happy and then feel they want to go on [to] topping. So they’re looking to grow out of it real fast. But daddy’s girl is more of an equal relationship.

With daddy’s little girl, if I was expecting her for the day, I might make breakfast for the two of us, and we might retreat to the bedroom for sex and play around for a while. [I might ask questions, such as], “What did you do last night? Did you go to that slumber party or did you call up boys and have boys come over? And if those boys came over, were you good or did you play around?” Depending on the person and how they feel, they can play off of it. One woman that I was involved with was very good at this. She would say, “No, I wasn’t being good!” “What were you doing?” “I let this boy touch me.” So daddy would ask, “How did this boy touch you?” and she would say, “He touched me like this!” and show me, or she wouldn’t tell me until I explored [it myself]. It would get into a whole thing of making love around that. And then maybe daddy would take his little girl out to the movies. Daddy would dress in butch stuff; daddy’s little girl would be in normal femme clothes. She would not be dressed up as a little girl. If we went to the movies, daddy would buy popcorn and Milk Duds or whatever little girls like to eat at the movies. It could be a Walt Disney flick or something [else] that’s childish but [which] also would appeal to an adult. Afterwards, we might go for ice cream, possibly at a shop where, when you order certain ice creams, they come and make all this noise, singing stuff and making fun of you. Or we would go play video games or go to the Santa Cruz boardwalk and ride the Ferris wheel, the merry-go-round, the roller coaster, [and] play the games. Daddy would try to win his little girl a prize, of course. And we might go lingerie shopping. [If so], daddy would buy his little girl something very sexy. Then we might go out to dinner; daddy usually picks up the tab.

Not every relationship I enjoy has to have that element to be appealing to me. It’s something that I do, but it’s not the only way I relate to people. I think it’s another part of my sexuality. I like doing it, [and] if I can get away with it, and the person is into it, I enjoy doing it.

To me a master is someone who owns someone, who is totally into top space, and needs to keep that top space at all times in a scene. When you’re in a daddy–daddy’s girl [or] daddy-boy scene, this person is not under your control all the time. They’re not asking [for permission all the time]. It’s more playful. If you had a little girl or little boy, and you took them out for the day, they would have a certain amount of freedom. They wouldn’t have to wait for your command.

If people are interested in this type of play, they need to check out the other person’s background. A lot of people, especially girls and women, have had incest problems. We are discovering that at least one third of women in this country [were] sexually abused as children. Often the women don’t even know. You need to be really sensitive and have a feel for what’s happening. If something’s not working right, don’t push it. Women have told me that they didn’t even realize they had been molested as children, but that something suddenly happened and memories started coming back. I haven’t had it happen to me. I’m pretty cautious. It’s not that I’m not there for someone, or [that] I wouldn’t be responsible or supportive if it happened—[but] why get into an area that’s going to be trouble for you when there are so many other things you can do?

Perhaps the least understood and most maligned form of ageplay is one in which individuals wish to relive an idealized version of early childhood or infancy. The fantasy age range of infantilism runs from approximately six months old to age three or four. Although infantilists are exclusively adults who roleplay uniquely with other adults, this sexual interest is commonly mistaken for pedophilia. In fact, infantilists who recognize and accept their sexuality—and its possible roots in infantile trauma—tend to be acutely protective of real children.

Beyond this misunderstanding of infantilists’ motives, the primal nature of their fantasies arouses profound discomfort among uninvolved observers.

Many D&Sers express discomfort with infantilism as well, perhaps because it is difficult to understand why someone would wish to be as helpless as an infant. But it is precisely that primal helplessness that so charms the infantilist.

Most infantilists recall that their interest began in early childhood. In some cases, the arrival of a new baby (and possible sibling rivalry) was a turning point.

Interest in impersonating a baby may be further affected by health or incontinence problems.

Infantilism is primarily a male phenomenon and is practiced by straight and gay men. (It should not, however, be confused with daddy-boy relationships.) Female infantilists are known but scarce. If lesbian infantilists exist, they are as yet entirely private. It seems far more common for women to roleplay as mommies to male babies. A number of professional dominants who specialize in this scene have nursery equipment built to scale for clients. In addition to biologically female mommies, some dominant male-to-female cross-dressers express a maternal persona. And a number of male-to-female cross-dressers wish to be treated like baby girls.

Some incontinent adults may also explore infantilist eroticism.

Infantilism provides an important erotic outlet for some disabled individuals.

Infantilists seem to have the greatest uniformity in desirable scenarios. Their ageplay patterns the basic model of parent-infant relations.

Dominants find that assuming a maternal or paternal role is a tender and fulfilling experience.

For the submissive infantilism permits expression of a vulnerability that would be inappropriate to his adult persona.

Yet while infantilism may represent the ultimate surrender of power, adult babies tend to be extremely explicit as to exactly what they expect and enjoy.

Authenticity is usually an erotic requirement. This includes not only the garments and toys of infants, but also age-appropriate behavior.

While humiliation is a common interest, some adult babies wish to experience infancy without such D&S elements as humiliation, coercion, or punishment. Infantilists usually prefer gentle, teasing, nurturing experiences.

Diapering scenarios are perhaps the single most common erotic practice. But diaper fetishists—who do not consider themselves adult babies—exist as well.

Infantilists rarely wish to combine their roleplaying with adult sexual encounters: There is little or no direct sexual contact during the roleplaying. However, conventional sexual intimacy may be the culmination of the roleplaying.

All the infantilists we spoke with reported at least an intermittent desire to live out the infantile fantasy over extended periods of time. For some, the craving for infantilism moved in inverse proportion to daily stress: the higher the stress in the outside world, the more powerful the craving to retreat into a state of infantile irresponsibility at home. Nonetheless, our interviewees
emphasized the importance of maintaining a clear balance between fantasy and reality.

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