Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (79 page)

Women always terrified me. Part of it was that getting close to a woman was just too close to something that I was in partial denial of. [I] felt incredible guilt and shame about it. In terms of relationships, it caused me serious problems, but in terms of my emotional ability and my ability to function in the classroom and to excel in schoolwork, it didn’t affect me. For a long time it was impossible for me to approach women on any kind of intimate level, because the feelings of guilt and shame were too. A lot of the friendships I’ve had with men have also been a little bit [strained] or tenuous, because I couldn’t relate to the kinds of intimacy that other men had. So it was difficult for me to relate to people. About five years ago I learned some self-hypnosis and meditation techniques and finally went into counseling on some specific issues. Basically, through lots of introspection and from several realizations I had in counseling, I was able to [attain] a pretty high level of self-acceptance.

Many times it’s very exciting to put on a feminine front and go out and interact in the world. It’s [also] very scary. You’re always on an emotional edge when you do something like that. I’ve thought a lot about whether it’s an exhibitionist sort of thing, and I’ve decided it’s not: For me, it’s a way to affirm and acknowledge a part of [myself]. As I do it more, I get better at it. I can imagine that eventually I will be able to function in society as a woman. [But] I really like to get dressed up [as a man, too].

[One of my most fulfilling experiences was when] I got my ears pierced
and got a permanent for my hair—my hair’s pretty long. I wore a really fancy dress and wore pierced earrings for the first time. I had intentionally done the whole job and done as good a job as I can and spent the whole day with it. [I] went shopping for clothes and everything. That was a profound experience. I felt that I’d actually made it into femininity. I’d actually accomplished my goal of understanding what it was like to be a woman. For example, I [was able to] relate to the idea of being attractive to a man. That was a strange feeling for me.

I am very fond of wearing wedding gowns. The feeling of putting on a wedding gown is one of the most incredibly feminine feelings you could ever imagine. It’s just fantastic.

I’m also fascinated by pregnancy and childbirth. I fantasize oftentimes about being pregnant. Sometimes [my] cross-dressing entails wearing padding in the belly. Strictly from the point of view of a cross-dresser who’s trying to pass, it’s the same kind of trick a magician pulls: It distracts your eye from the principal illusion. No one would guess that this person who is pregnant is a cross-dresser. It lets me get away with stuff I might not otherwise get away with. Wearing maternity clothes is an interesting feeling also. It’s a different perspective on femininity. The mother-goddess and the archetypes of nurturing are much more in the foreground in that situation. That’s a big part of who I am. I relate well to that kind of imagery. And pregnancy, childbearing, breastfeeding [are] all part of [it].

My mother died very recently, and I’m still in the throes of handling her estate and getting my living situation handled. Survival issues are taking priority right now. This all interrupted the process of finding a competent therapist. Within a year I will find a therapist and see if I’m a candidate for sexual-reassignment surgery. I don’t feel able to make the decision myself. I will need therapy to help [me] make the decision.

Twenty-Two

F
or many D&Sers, uninhibited exploration of gender roles is an important component of erotic play. Men as well as women perceive the chance to experiment with the “other side” of the gender line as an opportunity to express fully complex and often hidden aspects of their personalities. But not everyone who experiments with cross-dressing is necessarily a transvestite or a transsexual.

In this chapter we hear from a wide variety of individuals who incorporate
some form of gender play in their D&S interactions. We feature five interviews:

Transgenderism is conceived of and played out in D&S interactions in innumerable ways.

A significant number of people who explore gender transformation in a power relationship neither think of themselves as nor fit the clinical definition of transvestites. They do not necessarily experiment with such clothing when alone, and when cross-dressing is introduced, it is typically a small component of a larger power dynamic. Nor is cross-dressing a meaningful element of their fantasies outside of specific D&S contexts. Instead, it may be an occasional feature of their erotic interactions, often at the instigation of the dominant who wishes to discover which types of experiences are most satisfying to both partners.

Gender play permits people to breach social taboos about masculinity or femininity. For some, it opens previously untraveled erotic territory; experimentation may reveal unrealized (or even unknown) aspects of their personalities.

Gender play is also a means of exploring the power relationships between partners. Submissive men who are otherwise uninterested in cross-dressing, for example, may be highly aroused when a dominant demands that they wear an article of feminine attire, particularly lingerie. It is a proof that the dominant can do whatever he or she wishes to the submissive—even changing the submissive’s gender identity. For some submissive men who are particularly self-conscious about their masculinity, gender play can represent a supreme but desirable form of erotic humiliation.

In some cases a fetishistic thrill may be associated with the garment, as when a male rubber fetishist is told to wear a rubber skirt. Or the garment may have a special meaning; for example, when a female dominant orders her husband to wear an article of her clothing. While gender play seems to be primarily the bailiwick of male D&Sers, some women (especially lesbians) find it exciting to assume a masculine role or wear men’s attire. In this respect, gender explorations reflect a broader social inquiry into traditional models of gender behavior.

Overall, gender play is an opportunity to express different personae rather than confining oneself to a single fixed sensual role. Gender play enables participants to experiment with different, perhaps seemingly contradictory, socially taboo, impulses and activities. Some dominant women, for example, will wear a dildo to penetrate their partner.

Transvestites are a somewhat different breed of cat from gender players. As a group, their single greatest satisfaction comes from cross-dressing. TVs generally discover their cross-dressing interest within themselves before they explore it with a partner, and many will pursue it independently throughout their lives. Because the vast majority of transvestites are men who dress as women, when referring to TVs, we generally mean male-to-female.

While many TVs do not pursue power relationships, a significant percentage of all TVs at least share some D&S fantasies.

But even among TVs who engage in D&S, the power dynamic may often be secondary to, albeit inextricably linked to, cross-dressing. Partners develop sometimes elaborate scenarios in which the cross-dressing is the focal point.

Some TVs also enjoy D&S in their biological gender, though the activities tend to be somewhat different from what they enjoy when cross-dressed. For example, a male-to-female might enjoy mild genital torture when au naturel, while such play would destroy the feminine illusion when he’s cross-dressed.

Typically, women who cross-dress seem to prefer a dominant role, although some explore submission. Conversely, while most male-to-female TVs enjoy a submissive role, some prefer to be in control.

Dominant male-to-female TVs may especially enjoy roleplaying as a maternal figure. Still, submissive fantasies are, by and large, the most popular.

Dressing as females enables submissive male-to-female TVs to experience helplessness. The favored female roles are generally those of either forbidden or conspicuous sex objects.

To perceive femininity as inherently more submissive or more vulnerable than masculinity suggests a likely misogynistic basis for TV fantasies. Although TVs usually are keen advocates of women’s rights and place an extremely high value on social egalitarianism, their sexuality may be predicated
on childhood notions of femininity that clash with their adult points of view.

And although TVs may feel that they can completely experience their own sexual vulnerability only by being dressed as females, they also honor the power of the dominant woman they emulate or submit to. Many find that cross-dressing helps them to affiliate with feminine power.