Doctor Who: The Gunfighters (7 page)

So to this end, he made his pussy-footing way down Crum’s Alley, scene of the late mayor’s last reception; and with some thought for the probable effect on his gambler’s finery, discarded the obvious plan of climbing a drain-pipe to the first floor of the Last Chance, in favour of the nimble leap from the back of an astonished horse to the rail of a sort of balcony affair; where he hung by his sensitive hands for a spell, reflecting on Life, Art, and what he would say to Kate when he found her again.

You will probably have seen this sort of manoeuvre executed countless times. But I’m here to tell you it ain’t a peacherino by no means – especially without a standin who is paid to do it for you. And so, as I say, he took a brief pause for heavy breathing, and things of that nature.

But at last he managed to swing a leg or so over the balustrade; when, after a further pause to take a quick slurp from his hip-flask, he crashed spectacularly through the window of Dodo’s bedroom. Where, as we know, she had gone to ponder on perfidy; and this new occurrence didn’t help any! In fact, being a well-brought up girl, she was about to go so far as to scream the place down, when the Doc clapped a gloved hand over the in-breath.

Always wore gloves, these sort of characters – don’t know why...

‘Hush, little lady!’ he advised; ‘I’m a friend.’

She inspected his forbidding features as carefully as possible under the circumstances; and couldn’t, for the life of her, remember them.

‘Are you sure?’ she enquired, as soon as her mouth was once more available. ‘Perhaps you’d care to remind me of when and where?’

‘Hush!’ he counselled yet again. ‘My name’s Doc Holliday!’

Whereupon, having heard all about him and his widely reported unsavoury ways, she fainted.

Well, such things happen – and having urgent business of his own to attend to, Doc, with a muttered imprecation bearing on the generally unreliable nature of women, stepped over her heaving form, and emerged onto the landing; where he was just in time to witness the arrival of his understudy in the bar-room below.

‘One more time, boys,’ Kate was saying. ‘We’ll take it from the top – an’ try to remember that, for a red-blooded American, this song’s kinda holy! So let’s have a little damn reverence, shall we?’

But the Doctor, who had by now reached the bar unnoticed, was already applauding.

‘Not at all,’ he said. ‘In my opinion that was an admirable rendition! Very well played, Steven, my boy!

And I must say, Miss Elder, that for a dentist’s receptionist, you sing most attractively. Bravo! What a stirring tune, to be sure!’

The boys were duly stirred, and wheeled rapidly on their heels to prove it. And to say they were also disconcerted is to put it mildly. I mean, it’s one thing to gun a man down when he’s negotiating a swing-door, and his hands are busy about it; but it’s quite another to find him with his back against the bar, a monographed, low-slung six-gun, as they noticed, available for action, and when your own hands are occupied in clutching your head-gear over your patriotic heart. Where it wouldn’t afford a deal of protection, when it came to the call!

No, sir! This needed thought. Especially as Steven and Kate were now behind
them
... Well, the best laid schemes, as they say...

Seth was the first to speak. Because it was he, after all, who had set up the arrangement, and he was duly proud of himself.

‘Boys,’ he said, with the air of a conjuror producing a horned toad from his hat; ‘I’d like for you to meet the great Doc!’

‘Thanks,’ they muttered, grimly. They were going to take this up with him later...

The Doctor demurred. ‘Oh, you flatter me there, I’m afraid. Reasonably accomplished, perhaps, but hardly

"great". No, I can’t allow that at all! Now, I believe, Mr Harper, that you were so kind as to invite me for a drink?

And I must say, that after my recent experience, I would be extremely grateful for a glass of milk...’

This had the obvious effect of making them mistrust their ears. They were thrown, as the saying is, like steers in a stew-pond!

‘Whatever’s your pleasure, Doc,’ said Charlie, affably –

but wondering where in hell he’d find a glass of milk at this time of night. The cat, perhaps, might be of assistance in the matter. He went hurriedly to find out.

‘What we really want, Doc, is a little talk,’ interjected Ike, recapturing the initiative with some difficulty. ‘A little talk about our brother, Reuben,’ he explained further.

‘Dear me! Is he in some sort of trouble?’

‘You could say that,’ agreed Phineas.

‘On account he’s dead,’ contributed Billy. ‘Dead as a coffin nail in a gallows-tree!’

‘Well, I am extremely distressed to hear it,’ sympathised the Doctor. ‘What can I say? At a time like this, it is sometimes difficult to find the right words...’

‘No, it ain’t!’ contradicted Ike, rudely. ‘Not if a man’s prepared to crawl, and say as he’s truly sorry...’

‘I believe I’ve already said so? But as to crawling... Oh, dear me, no! I can only venture to add, that perhaps his name will continue to live?’

‘Surely will,’ breathed Ike, ‘on account it’s Clanton!’

‘We’re the Clanton boys,’ explained Phineas, justifying their interest.

‘Oh dear!’ said the Doctor.

‘So you got it straight now?’ asked Seth.

‘You’ve heard of us, maybe?’ asked Billy.

‘Oh, indeed I have,’ admitted the Doctor. ‘And of course of your father, the popular mayoral candidate. Yes, you are extremely well known... Ahem! Steven, my boy, I really think we should be going...’

Steven was the first to agree. But, on the other hand...

‘But you ain’t even drunk your nice milk yet,’ Ike pointed out. ‘An’ Charlie’s put himself out to go an’ find some. Now, that ain’t friendly... Also, it is inconsiderate!’

‘Nevertheless, I can only suggest that you put the matter of your brother’s untimely decease in the hands of the proper authorities. I fail to see how I can assist you...’

‘You mean, like your friend, Wyatt Earp?’ said Ike, nastily. ‘Yes, I bet you’d like that jest fine!’

‘Oh, I’d hardly say he was a friend – just a casual acquaintance, you know.’

‘That ain’t the way I heard it,’ said Billy.

‘Nor me neither,’ said Phineas. ‘The way we heard it, you an’ him’s closer than... than fleas on a hound-dog.’ He grinned round for approval. Another good one!

‘Wyatt Earp an’ Doc Holliday,’ sneered Billy. ‘The bible-punchin’ law-man, an’ the drunken, good-fernothin’

gambler! Now, ain’t that somethin’?’

‘Steady, boy,’ cautioned Ike; ‘let Seth handle it, like we arranged.’

Seth looked at them, plaintively. This wasn’t like they’d arranged at all...

But the Doctor had seen the light – and about damn’

time, too!

‘Now, wait a moment,’ he said. ‘I think I begin to realise your mistake...’

‘It’s
your
mistake Seth’s thinkin’ of,’ said Ike.

No, it wasn’t. Seth was thinking something entirely different; like, how in hell he’d got himself buffaloed into this in the first place.

‘But I am not Doc Holliday! No – goodness me! – the man you wish to interview is the local dentist! You’ll find him in his shop; and I am confident he will give you an appointment, if you approach him in a civil manner...’

‘That’s
where
I found you, ain’t it?’ grumbled Seth. ‘And if that ain’t enough, I declare, your name’s right there on your gun-butt – so don’t give us no argument!’

‘But Holliday
lent
me this gun! Look here...’

And incautiously he drew the weapon, to show them.

You shouldn’t do a thing like that. Not in the West.

Well now, the Clantons
couldn’t
draw, of course, because Kate was behind them, and
she
already had. And Steven was at least wondering
whether
to draw. But Seth, seeing no way out compatible with honour – which he’d heard about, some place –
did
draw... And a shot rang out, in that staccato way they have! And Seth’s gun rocketed from his fist, spinning across the room to a well-earned rest in a cobwebbed corner, by the eventual-grill...

For a moment nobody moved – and it ain’t hardly surprising! Because
Kate
hadn’t fired; and Steven
thought
he hadn’t; and the Clantons
knew
they hadn’t.

But you, if you have been following closely, will realise that the bullet came by courtesy of Doc Holliday –

concealed, you may remember, on the landing.

However, the rest of the assembly did not have your advantages; and so assumed that the Doctor was responsible – well, the light was bad, Kate having damaged, you’ll recall, the chandelier – and he didn’t at once disillusion them. He was nobody’s fool, after all...

‘Why,’ admired Phineas, ‘I never even saw his hand move!’

‘He never even aimed!’ complained Seth.

‘My God, that was fast!’ agreed the rest. ‘We never did see nothin’ faster! Wow!’ they added.

‘Well, let that be a lesson to you,’ said the Doctor.

‘Steven, my boy, – and you, Miss Elder, if you will be so kind – collect their fire-arms, and remove them to a place of safety. Out of their reach,’ he elaborated.

Impressed, they hastened to obey.

‘What do I do now?’ he enquired of Kate, not being familiar with the protocol.

‘You back ’em against the wall with their hands up,’ she advised.

And so that’s what he did.

But what he would have done next we shall never know; because, as Doc Holliday, with an air of business being temporarily adjourned, snaked his way back to Dodo’s quarters, Wyatt Earp and Bat Masterson stomped into the action-packed water-hole.

Arrest Is As Good As A Change

‘Howdy, Sinners! Holdin’ a prayer-meetin’?’ asked Wyatt.

He could perhaps be forgiven for thinking so, in the atmosphere of awe-struck reverence which prevailed.

Bat said nothing. He generally left that kind of crack to his friend.

And the Doctor breathed the sigh of relief he’d been hoping to be able to use whenever convenient. ‘Ah, my good Marshal!’ he exclaimed. ‘How very pleasant to see you! I was just trying to explain to these gentlemen...’

‘It surely looks like you was explainin’ – jest like Samson explainin’ to the Philistines,’ agreed Wyatt. ‘But that ain’t no jaw-bone of a mule you got there! So I suggest you hand it over – before the Temple of the Ungodly falls about your damn fool ears!’

‘You too, Kate,’ said Bat. ‘Wyatt an’ I handle that kind of explainin’ round here!’

They obliged with various degrees of reluctance: and, not wishing to be left out of things, Steven added his own guns for good measure. He’d had enough of them for the time being.

‘Now then,’ said Wyatt, ‘who started what?’

‘Holliday did,’ obliged Seth. ‘He started the whole blame thing!’

Since Holliday wasn’t noticeably present, this was something of a puzzlement.

‘Holliday?’ the lawmen enquired slowly, and in unison.

They weren’t here to be made fools of.

‘Sure,’ said Billy, ‘we was jest havin’ us a friendly sing-song...’

‘Yeah,’ said Ike, ‘like cattle-men do round a camp fire, come nightfall. An’ before we knew it, he got us lined up against the wall here... Look, ain’t we against the wall?’

This was undeniable, but still...

‘He was goin’ to shoot us down in cold blood... like varmints in a... in a...’

‘Shut up, Phin!’ said Ike. ‘Leave it at cold blood.’

‘Cold as it comes,’ agreed Billy. ‘I tell you, Marshal, I saw the whole thing! I mean, I was
in
it, wasn’t I?’

‘An’ so was I,’ contributed Kate. ‘An’ the Doc got the drop on ’em fair an’ square – accordin’ to the rules laid down by Queensberry, or some feller. Seems like they was a-gunnin’ for him.’

‘Who isn’t?’ said Bat, scratching his singed moustache.

‘But that still don’t explain...’

‘Quiet, Bat!’ warned Wyatt, looking like the prophet Jeremiah after a bad morning.

Behind the Marshal’s marble brow, there moved a mind of ice-like acumen; and in rather more time than it takes to tell, he had weighed the situation in the balance; and found it short on equilibrium. But that didn’t mean he was unable to work out that what he had here was a case of mistaken identity. And he thought that, all things considered, it would be best to leave it that way, for the time being.

‘Guess it all seems pretty clear,’ he agreed. ‘I’m sorry, Doc, but I’ve got to take you in.’

‘I am not taken in for a moment!’ contradicted the Doctor. ‘This whole situation is a...’ What was the expression he wanted? ‘A frame-up!’ he remembered,

‘that’s what it is!’

‘Be that as it usually be,’ continued the imperturbable monument, ‘you’re under arrest!’

‘Arrest? How
dare
you? May I remind you that this is the second time today you have forced me to ask that? And you have absolutely no excuse for this constant custody!

You know perfectly well who I am!’

‘Surely do, old friend,’ agreed Wyatt, ‘which is why I aim to put you out of harm’s way for a spell.’

‘Then I demand to see a solicitor!’

‘You wouldn’t take to him,’ said Phineas, ‘not no-how!

Why, he’s bent as a crawdad’s claw in a swamp-hole!’

‘I’ve warned you, Phin,’ hissed Ike. ‘Let it lay, cain’t you?’

Phineas subsided, muttering resentfully, and the Doctor, also muttering, and with my Buntline Special hard against his ribs, was prodded towards the door; with Bat on shotgun at coverpoint.

‘Goodnight, sinners!’ said Wyatt to the congregation;

‘I’m sorry your stay in this festering haunt of the Malachite has been so rudely disturbed...’

And the three men backed warily into the West-infested darkness...

Left to themselves, the rest of the company was something at a loss for words, and groped for them accordingly.

Kate was the first to find some, and spoke as follows:

‘Well now, gentlemen, if that concludes the evening’s entertainment, and you don’t want no quick gallop through “The Star-Spangled Banner”, I guess I’ll be goin’