Dogfight (2 page)
Authors: Calvin Trillin
Late Night Comics Bid Farewell to Christine O’Donnell, Tea Party Senatorial Candidate from Delaware
You surely were a hoot, Christine.
We’re sad to see you leave the scene.
We reveled in the revelation
That you’d condemned all masturbation.
(Not only us but even anchors
Enjoyed the way you fought those wankers.)
Until you came along one day,
Old witchcraft jokes had been passé.
Because of you, just for a while,
Those witchcraft jokes were back in style.
So though, Christine, we now say ciao,
We hope you’re back two years from now.
But many got elected, and were sent
To Washington, the place they most resent.
The House, now with a GOP majority,
Could face Barack Obama with authority.
The legislative battle recommenced:
Whatever he was for they were against.
Their heritage from Reagan now would show:
Not Ronald—Nancy, preaching “Just say no.”
On Revelations of Where the Secret Funding for the Tea Party Comes From
They’re meant to be a grassroots gang
Of populists who quickly sprang
From nowhere ’cause they’ve had enough
Of liberal bureaucratic guff.
Less government is what they’re for—
The very goal pushed heretofore
By every oil man who’s a foe
Of regs that slow up making dough.
And guess who’s funding them? No joke:
Two wealthy oilmen name of Koch,
With faux foundations in cahoots,
Provide the funds. Some grass! Some roots!
The weak economy proved hard to heal.
At times, the president seemed too genteel—
Unwilling still to knock some heads the way
Some heads were knocked around by LBJ.
His speeches far surpassed the other guys’.
His gamble caused Bin Laden’s quick demise.
But still the polls showed many folks believed
His promises, so far, were unachieved.
The punditry, its ’08 views forgotten,
Now said his reelection odds were rotten.
Mentionables
Since order is for them a big concern,
Republicans will often go in turn.
Whatever fight is fought, they still incline
To nominate the guy who’s next in line—
Like Dole, for instance, or like John McCain,
Some stalwart who had run before in vain.
It’s moving up in turn that usually does it.
In this round, though, whose turn, exactly, was it?
Was it, perchance, between those who’d begun
The nomination race McCain had won?
Of Huckabee and Romney from that tussle,
The former could command some right-wing muscle.
But would he run? He’d hinted that he might,
Then said he had no stomach for the fight.
(Although the actual stomach he’d once shed
Was starting once again to get widespread.)
With books and speeches, plus his Fox News show,
Mike seemed inclined to make some serious dough.
Politico Reveals That All Non-Office-Holding Contenders for the Republican Presidential Nomination in 2012 Except Mitt Romney Are on the Fox News Payroll
Of hopefuls with viewpoints that fit,
Now Murdoch employs all but Mitt.
And Tea Party folks can’t go broke,
Since things do go better with Koch.
Yes, that’s the crusade that competes
To rid simple folks of elites.
Another candidate one might define
As qualifying as the next in line
Was Sarah Palin—yes, an ’08 vet
Who hinted she might throw her hat in yet,
Although her ’08 run for veep had flopped.
(A long Hail Mary pass that Palin dropped.)
Some elements within the party brass
Were hoping she’d decide to take a pass.
One hint she might: both Palin and her kin
Seemed concentrating hard on cashing in
Through any TV show that they could wangle—
Kardashians, but with a North Woods angle.
So even when her act went on the road,
She wasn’t clearly back in campaign mode.
The Pundits Analyze Sarah Palin’s Bus Tour
Now Palin’s seen out on the stump.
But is she just a female Trump—
A person eager for each mention
For purposes of brand extension?
So—disappointing fans, who’d been devout—
She seemed inclined to sit this campaign out.
So whose turn now? Though Romney was on deck,
Conservatives thought they had better check
Around for someone less like Mister Cleaver
And more like them—that is, a true believer.
Barack Obama’s numbers still were low,
Which meant that lots of folks might have a go
At capturing the chance to lead a fight
That seemed to have sweet victory in sight.
Pawlenty brought advisers to his state.
In Mississippi, Barbour lost some weight.
(Still, relative to others on the list, he
Remained quite fat, though not as fat as Christie.)
And Bachmann, still the faithfuls’ faithful fighter,
Emerged as Palin lite—or even liter.
And so the mentioners all mentioned those
Whom President Obama might oppose.
But two of those who often got a mention
Said running this time wasn’t their intention.
Yes, Haley Barbour, and Mitch Daniels, too,
Announced before they started they were through.
Mitch Daniels Announces That He Will Not Run for President
We bid Mitch Daniels fond adieu
And say, “Mitch, we admire you
For saying that what you love best
Is family, and not this quest.”
Most candidates, without a doubt,
Seem best to us when they drop out.
Though thoughts of Bushes didn’t bring a glow,
Jeb Bush was asked, and he said, “Thank you, no.”
So, next in line? Well, only Romney, who
Was unloved by the right-wing tried and true.
This caused the pundits to restate this view:
Without a queue, a scramble might ensue.
Trump Trumped
One Donald Trump seeks sustenance in fame—
Much like a bloated moth that’s drawn to flame.
Election season! Up pops Donald Trump.
Gas-filled as if by some gigantic pump,
He reappears—a loud performance artist
At boasting he’s the richest and the smartest.
So rich and smart, quadrennially he’ll drone,
That he deserves the White House—or a throne.
Then, once he’s had his say … and say … and say,
He, blessedly, will finally go away.
But this time on the tube he seemed to bray
That he had chips and he had come to play.
To hear him say he’d wade into the fray
Made all the party leaders say “
Oy vey,
”
Because at one point, several polls agreed,
Among Republicans he held the lead.
The ace Trump said had made his winning hand?
Obama’s birth was in some other land,
And so he was illegal in his slot,
Since natural born he certainly was not.
The Donald said he knew from private eyes
That Democrats were in for a surprise.
Donald Trump, Expressing Interest in Running for President Himself, Says He Wants to See President Obama’s Birth Certificate
All White House hopefuls we forewarn:
You’ll have to prove that you were born.
Before Trump hits the state of granite,
He must identify the planet
Where he first took on human form—
A place where blowhards are the norm.
But then the White House posted on its site
The document that “birthers” on the right
Had said did not exist. And so the proof
That Trump had promised vanished with a poof!
He blathered on, to keep the spotlight’s glare.
The talk about him switched then to his hair.
New York Insiders Offer Another Interpretation of How Committed Trump Was to a Presidential Campaign
The real estate sharks say that Trump would have left
Once serious financial disclosure awaited,
Because that disclosure would prove to the world
His boasts of his riches are greatly inflated.
But Donald Trump had led, and that revealed
A lot about the stature of the field.
Though first-tier candidates were mostly out,
Republicans were asking, “What about
The second tier, or what about the third?
Has nothing from those other tiers been heard?
As chances in the fall improve a lot,
Could this bunch really be the best we’ve got?”
Discussions of the race were not who’d win it
But who else might agree to getting in it.
Late Night Comics Respond to Trump’s Exit
They’ve snatched the note from Donald’s one-note tune.
Our pet buffoon has left the room so soon!
To make our jokes at night we always gotta
Find someone who can serve as our piñata.
That won’t be hard to find in this campaign.
Right now we’ve got our eyes on Herman Cain.
First One Out
A budget that Paul Ryan thought astute
Was praised by other candidates. But Newt
Not only failed to join in all the cheering
But called it right-wing social engineering.
Instead of going to county fairs to schmooze,
The Gingriches enjoyed a Grecian cruise.
At Tiffany’s, we learned, Newt had in force
A credit line whose size could choke a horse.
Newt’s staff all quit. They said he was a pain.
But Newt himself announced he would remain.
Reporters, who’d thought he’d be first to leave,
Were wondering what Newt had up his sleeve.
Among the candidates, the first “I’m out”
Was heard from Tim Pawlenty, who, no doubt,
Was seen by pundits some weeks in advance
As having more than just a passing chance
To win a straw poll that is held in Ames—
The winner of which generally claims
To be the candidate who’s first to show
He could be in possession of Big Mo.
The Ames Straw Poll
Although the poll is hardly scientific,
Results are studied like a hieroglyphic.
They’re analyzed at length for what they show,
As if they were the entrails of a crow.