Don’t Ever Wonder (21 page)

When she reached her car Nate asked, “You’re all right?”

“But of course,” she responded, but it was obvious that she was about to shatter into a thousand pieces.

He watched her pull off, and burst into laughter. He was back on cloud nine. It had been a long time since he felt so good. Thinking back he couldn’t recall wanting to put a bitch in her place more than he had Sahleen. Now that he had done it, there was nothing left to do other than win the fight.

He pulled off and thinking about his rise back to the top, he never even noticed the Reverend Lloyd Lawson parked across the street waiting and watching him.

It had always
been hard for me to use the term
best friend
because I’d always had two of them. Since my fallout with Brendan, it felt like a big part of my past had been erased. All that we had been through, the good times that we’d enjoyed and the way we’d bonded, helping one another through the tough times was now all for naught. Brendan had made it apparent that I needn’t call him if I caught a flat on the highway in the rain, he was no longer going to be there for me.

I would find out to my surprise that Brendan had stopped by my mother’s home on her birthday and taken her flowers and Godiva chocolates, same as every year. When she brought up the subject of our friendship, assuming that she knew the details of our rift, he spoke openly about what had happened between us.

My phone rang five minutes after he left with the demand that I come right over. “There is nothing wrong but I want to see you right away,” she’d said.

“Ma, I’ll meet Brenda there at four to pick you up for dinner.”

“No, I want you over here right now.”

“Ma, what is so important that you can’t say over the phone?”

“Cory, we need to talk in person.”

“I have stuff to do before…” I heard her sigh into the line, signaling she was about to go off. I didn’t want to upset her on her birthday so I said, “All right.”

As soon as I agreed to come she hung up in my ear.

I cruised around the Beltway, wondering what was so urgent, as I took bites of my breakfast from Taco Bell. When I arrived at my mom’s, Mr. Fields, her boyfriend who was also her neighbor from across the street, was in the front yard trimming hedges. He didn’t stop to talk when I got out of my car. Instead he gave me a salute as a general would before sending troops into battle.

“Hey hey,” I yelled, walking through the door. I yelled because Moms was blasting Patti LaBelle’s latest CD. She was indeed Patti’s greatest fan. She made it a point of going to see her perform at least once a year.

“I’ll be right there,” she said.

That meant five to ten minutes, so out of habit I walked into the kitchen and looked through the fridge. I found a bowl of grapes, ran some water on them, and went to work. I was in the family room when my mother came down.

“Happy birthday,” I said.

“Thank you, sweetheart.” She took a seat across from me and wasted no time. “So do you know why I needed you here right away?”

Looking at her, it appeared everything was fine and I was a little puzzled by the urgency of it all. “Actually, I don’t.”

My mother took a deep breath. Then a second that was even deeper. I knew then that she was trying to calm her nerves. “Cory, I don’t know what’s become of you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that you are not the man that your father and I set out to raise. Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of your accomplishments in the business world. You’re very generous to me, your sister, and her children. That’s not what I’m talking about.”

I sat there, a blank look on my face. The one that only a parent or respected elder can put on the face of a grown man.

She went on. “Brendan came over here a couple of hours ago. He told me about what happened. I was so shocked. What were you thinking, son? How could you do something like that? You two are like brothers. Hell, you are brothers as far as I’m concerned. Now that damned Renée, she really surprised me. I had no idea she was that loose.”

“Ma, it’s not like that. She was really vulnerable. She had just caught her fiancé with…” I started to say another man but decided against it for a variety of reasons. “She caught him with someone else. She was hurting.”

“She was hurting. You were hurting. Brendan had just come out of a coma. Your answer to all of that is to fall into bed with her? That’s just what I mean. Where is your head? I expected you to be a much better thinker than that. But you should know by now that you can’t think with the little head, Cory.”

She paused for a second and turned the volume down on the music. “Listen, son, we all make mistakes. Some mistakes are necessary. But I want you to take a look at yours. Remember what your thought process was before you made those mistakes. I’ll bet you were always thinking the same thing.”

She had my attention. It was just like being a kid all over again. “Like what?” I asked.

“Oh, I’m not a mind reader. You would have to tell
me
. But I’m betting that you were thinking that you were going to feel something. Feel better, feel good, feel happy…I don’t know. But it’s obvious that from all of the silly crap I seen from you in the past couple of years that you’re obviously lost.” I sat and listened to her, wanting her to tell me what I needed to know, but never thought to ask.

“You’re trying to find yourself, Cory. You’re trying to discover who you are as a man. You don’t seem to realize that it’s a combination of what you do and how you do it that will define you. It’s not about what you achieve or what you can get away with that will make you a man or
the man
. It’s not about which woman winds up on your arm or who you fall into bed with. It’s about what people take away from you when they come in contact with you. Is a person’s life better and richer for having you in it? Have you taught, loved, or blessed your friends?”

I was thinking about all of the people in my circle. The reality was hard. True, I had my good points, but what had I truly added to the lives of those around me?

Almost like she was reading my mind, she said, “Son, you’ve done a lot of wonderful things and most of the time you’ve meant well, but your lack of definition has caused a lot of heartache.”

“Lack of definition?”

“Yes. You don’t have definition. You don’t know who you are. Are you a player hater, or a decent man?”

“You mean player?” I laughed at her attempt to be hip.

“You know what the hell I meant. Are you a dog? If you want to run women, then run ’em. But be up front about it. That’s what a real man does. He tells a woman up front if he’s not looking for anything serious instead of playing games.”

“What if I don’t know what I want?”

“Then tell them that too. That’s what women want. We want honesty, a choice. If we decide that we want to chase you or to change you after you’re up front, then it falls on us. But give a lady a choice. If you really and truly don’t know what you’re looking for, then there ain’t nothing wrong with spending some time by yourself. There are worse things in the world than being alone.”

I nodded my head in agreement.

“As for the way you deal with your friends. You know better. Honesty and integrity are the only way. You don’t screw your friends over.”

I started looking down at the carpet.

“You know what Brendan said to me this morning?”

“No, what did he say?”

“After he and I spoke in detail he said to me that it wasn’t so much what you did. It was how you did it. He considered you two, along with Nate, his best friends. He couldn’t believe that you would keep anything like that from him.”

“But, Ma, it wasn’t like we planned it, or even thought about it. Sometimes things do just sort of happen.”

“Did he catch you the first time?”

“No.”

“Well then. The first time it might have just happened. But what about the third, fourth, and fifth times? At some point you have to think about what you’re doing.”

My mother went on for another half hour and when she was finished I felt about as small as Tom Thumb. She hadn’t said one wrong thing. The last thing she said was, “Son, I need you to do two things. The first is for you to capture yourself.”

My look showed my lack of understanding.

“Capture yourself. Gain control of your life and you decide who you will be as a man. Shape your life instead of always allowing life to shape you.”

I smiled. It was more timely advice. “What else?”

“I’m not saying you’re crazy or depressed, but maybe you should see someone. Like a counselor.”

“You mean a shrink?”

“A professional,” she shot back. The doorbell rang. “At least think about it.” She hurried to the door and walked back into the family room.

When she returned, she smiled. Brendan was standing behind her. “Well, I’ll leave you two to talk.” She hugged and kissed Brendan on the cheek and said to him, “Thanks, love, now this is the best present you could have given me. Don’t get me wrong, I love the chocolates, baby boy.” She laughed and headed out.

“Your mother told me you wanted to apologize. Just like you to get her to fight your battles for you,” he laughed out.

I stood up and walked over to him. I didn’t say a word until I embraced him. “I love you, dawg. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Just like a friend. He forgave me and I didn’t have to beg. Although, after the talk my mother gave me, I would have.

Lying in bed,
Nate was watching Anita sleep. He looked at the lump in the sheet her ass created. He then stared at her, inspecting every inch. She was flawless. What more could he want in a woman? She was sweet, smart, sexy, and she adored him.

Like all men do at some point, Nate was wondering if he was doing the right thing by trying to settle down. He was three weeks away from re-creating the Legend of the Phoenix. His once-promising career had been completely destroyed with no hope of resurrection. Unlike anyone before him he’d risen from the ashes and now he was the hottest story in sports. There was much ado about the dangers that he faced fighting again. It didn’t bother him when ESPN had him on
Sunday Conversation
and drilled him about the possibility of his death coming in the ring against the Horse. It didn’t even bother him that the Horse had said that he would use his head for a punching bag and let the chips fall where they may.

Nate wasn’t afraid of any of it. The only thing that scared him was the thought of actually committing to a marriage. Although Anita satisfied him sexually, he still found himself thinking about conquering other women. Women he couldn’t put a name or a face to. He’d already been with Halle, Madonna, and a few other stars, but he thought about the stars of tomorrow that he might want to screw, not to mention his penchant for round-the-way girls. He thought of the Afro-centric chick who worked at the juice store across from Howard’s campus. The sexy security guard down at the FedEx building. The hairdresser at the salon where he got his nails manicured.

He thought that he had moved beyond all of that. It was shallow and he knew it, but he still couldn’t shake the desire to fuck them all. It dawned on him that the deeper he got into his training, the more his old mentality was coming back. And with that, the more he thought about leaving Anita. He had to make a decision before it was too late. He did love Anita, but he was, in fact, an old dog.

Nate was jogging
to clear his mind. This would be the last week that he would train in D.C. Next Saturday he would be leaving for Lake Tahoe for his last couple of weeks before the big fight at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. He had on his MP3 player, listening to all his favorite hits. “Jesus Walks” was pumping into his head and he found himself bouncing to the beat of the music. He loved running and thought that if he hadn’t boxed he could have been a track star.

The sun was out as he made his way down U Street. He turned right on 14th and headed up the hill. He ate the hill up and had barely broken a sweat. He was in the best shape of his life. He was so focused that he didn’t notice that once again he was being followed by Lloyd. Nate reached Park Road and turned onto it. He was picking up his pace now. He was listening to the R and was singing along in his mind.

Nate noticed the Hispanic men outside in Adams Morgan. They were in front of their homes, wiping down cars, playing checkers, and just kicking it. Nate turned up an alley to hit a side street in order to circle back toward 14th Street. He was going to run down to the MCI Center before heading home. When he did, Lloyd decided to seize the opportunity. He turned into the alley behind Nate. Nate couldn’t hear Lloyd as his engine revved as he slammed on the gas. There would be no witnesses. The front tag was removed just for this purpose, and when he hit the corner he planned to be moving too fast for anyone to read his back plate.

Nate never even heard the impact or the sudden squeal of the dog or the screech from the breaks. Nate continued on his path, never once realizing that his life had been spared. For all practical purposes, life should have ended for Nate right then and there. Instead Lloyd ended the life of someone’s Labrador retriever. What was strange is that Lloyd was prepared to run over or through Nate, but yet he swerved when the dog ran out from behind the Dumpster. Meanwhile, Lloyd looked at the outcome of the incident as divine intervention. The bottle of Rémy had flown from his passenger seat on impact, as had his Bible. He looked over onto the floor and saw that the alcohol had spilled out and saturated the pages of his Bible. The Bible had been a gift from Miss Bethany on the day he had preached his first sermon. Now it was ruined, like his spirit. He held so much anger toward Nate that he had been willing to throw his entire life away to take Nate’s.

Lloyd got out of his car and looked at the lifeless dog and he began to cry. He fell to his knees and began to pray. He begged for forgiveness. He thanked God because he realized that his life too had been spared. He then did something that surprised even himself. He prayed for Nate and Anita.

He got up and climbed into his car. As he moved slowly past the dead canine, he let out a sigh of relief that it was lying there instead of Nate.