Don't Fall (15 page)

It tugged at my heart, and I wanted to run my hand over her cheek. I wanted to kiss those lips and find a way to make her smile for real.

There was no note with the pictures, but on the back of the last one was written,
My smile seems to have deserted me lately, but thoughts of you always bring it back.

My throat tightened. Pressure built at the back of my eyes, but I refused to let tears spring up while I was sitting there on the floor of the library. I pushed them back, but I hated the thought of her so unhappy. There had to be something I could do. I had to see her. I grabbed the notebook I’d brought with me and tried to write her back, but my hands shook too much to cooperate.

Anya

Anya, you don’t know what you do to me.

Thank you for the photos. They are beyond amazing. I’m worried I won’t be able to do anything but stare at them for days. Weeks. Forever. Well, at least until I am lucky enough to stare at the real thing again.

Have you talked to your mom? I don’t want to rush you, but I am anxious to see you again. I miss you so much.

Love Zander.

He had been more than patient. I needed to talk to Mom, to make her understand. If I couldn’t… I didn’t want to think about that option. She had to listen to me, and that was that. When she got home, I was waiting for her.

“Mom, I need to talk to you.”

She froze by the front door, and I continued. “I know I screwed up. I know you’re angry, and you have every right to be. But at some point my grounding has to end. I’m not going to stop seeing Zander, and I want to be able to be honest with you about it.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said. Her voice was firm, but her eyes looked scared.

“I’m not being ridiculous. Locking me away forever, that’s ridiculous. Mom, I’m growing up. I love Zander—”

“Don’t even say that!”

“Why? What is so wrong with that?” I pleaded, jumping to my feet.

“You aren’t in love. You’re young. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” “I might be young, but I know how I feel!”

“No, you don’t,” she shouted. “That’s what Lauren said, too. She said she loved him and he loved her and look what it got her!” Her voice broke and she slammed her mouth shut, her jaw clenching and her nostrils flaring. “She snuck out to meet him, and she never came back,” she said, her voice soft now.

“It didn’t say anything about a boy in the papers.” I was shocked and the words just stumbled out. Her eyes darted to me. I’d never told her I’d looked up the articles about Lauren. I opened my mouth to explain, but understanding dawned in her eyes.

“They kept that part out,” she said, lowering herself onto the couch. “She was at her friend’s house, and she sneaked out to meet a boy. I don’t know who, she hadn’t told me about him. Her friend didn’t know him, either. Said she’d met him online. Apparently they’d been chatting for months, and she’d met him in person a few times.

“The police decided to withhold that piece of information because they were hoping to find him. They thought that if he knew he was a suspect he’d be harder to find. It didn’t matter. They never found him anyway.”

She reached down and grabbed a cushion, tugging at a loose string. Slowly I stepped closer and sat down next to her. Tears filled her eyes, and mine. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered, and she nodded, wordlessly. I reached out and put my hand on hers, but after a second she pulled it away and stood up. She wiped the tears from her eyes and looked down at me.

“I don’t want to hear another word about this boy.”

I stared up at her, my mouth hanging open. I realized in that moment that she really never would be okay with Zander. Not after the way she found out about us. A knife twisted in my chest. I’d ruined everything, and there was only one way to make it right.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Zander

I eagerly opened Anya’s letter, not knowing that her words would rip out my heart.

Dear Zander,

I spoke with my mom, and I’m afraid I have no good news to share with you. She’s forbidden me from seeing you, from even speaking of you again.

Do you know the saying, “If you love something, let it go?” I love you, Zander. I love you so much it hurts, and it kills me knowing that I have to hurt you, too.

But I do. I am in a position where I have only two choices. Hurt you slowly, over time, never being able to give you the relationship you want. The relationship you deserve. Or to hurt you quickly, and end this now.

I am so sorry, Zander. But I need to do what is best for you, even if you don’t think it’s the right choice. Please, please never doubt my love for you. I know I am hurting you, but please try to understand that I am doing it for you.

With all my love, and my deepest apologies,

Anya

I quickly wrote a reply, begging her to change her mind. To convince her I would wait for her either way, whether she asked me to or not. When I tried to give it to Shannon, she shook her head.

“I’m sorry. Anya wrote me, too. She said not to take any more letters from you.”

“Why would she do this?” I ran my hands down my face, my whole body shaking.

“The next time I see her, I’ll try to talk some sense into her, okay?”

Shannon’s eyes were wet with sympathy. I nodded to her and stumbled out of the library. I had to see Anya. I had to change her mind. I went back to my apartment and waited for dark.

Anya

A small rock hit my window. I sat upright in bed.
Clack
. Another stone. I lifted the covers, carefully stepped out of bed, and crossed the room. The window slid open with a low creak and I cringed, holding my breath and listening for the sound of my mom’s slippers on the hardwood. But it didn’t come. I opened it the rest of the way and looked down at Zander.

The moon was full, providing enough light to see his beautiful face and the plea in his eyes. I leaned out the window, my body wanting to be closer to his, no matter that he was two stories below.

Two nights before, I had woken up in the night to use the bathroom, and three steps into the hall Mom was there in her bedroom doorway. She watched, wordlessly, as I stepped into the bathroom, then came out and went back to my room.

There was no way I could get to the clearing without her catching me. But of course I was going to try.

I nodded at him and shut the window. He smiled and slipped onto the path, but I could still see him in the shadows of the trees.

With slow, careful steps I moved toward my door. I grabbed the doorknob, but it refused to turn. I yanked and tugged on it, but it was no use. She’d locked me in. She must have heard the stones, too. I was so distracted, staring down at him, I hadn’t even heard the click.

I ran to the window, planning to wave him down and let him know. Below me, the sound of the kitchen door swinging open broke the quiet of the night. My mother stepped into the yard, the moonlight making her dark red hair glow.

I should have thrown open the window. I should have called to him. But I was locked in place. My brain screamed at my body to do its bidding, but my body refused. Fear, or shock, held me there, watching.
 

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Zander

The door opened and footsteps sounded on the patio before she reached the grass and her feet became quiet again. My heart raced, and I couldn’t wait for her to reach the safety of the woods. I stepped into her yard.

Anya’s mother stood tall in front of me, her eyes shooting icicles. I froze. Part of me thought I should run, and part of me wondered if I could reason with her. I was too terrified to do either. If the look she shot at me was meant to intimidate, she was doing a damn fine job.

“Who are you?” Each word a drop of ice in the summer heat.

“Zander.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see Anya.” Perhaps another answer would have gone over better, but I couldn’t think. The simple truth just came out.

She took another step closer to me and crossed her arms over her chest. I held my breath.

“Leave.” She took another step forward. My feet took root, and my mind turned to stone. I could not move, I could not think. Only my eyes worked, staring at her. “Forget about my daughter.” She released me from her gaze and started to turn around.

“I can’t do that,” I said, finding my voice again.

She whipped back around; a cold wind blew between us and a chill ran down my spine. “Why not?”

But this time she wasn’t able to freeze me in place. “Because I love her.” I pulled my shoulders back and tried to look tough, tried to look like a man who wasn’t going to back down, even though I still felt about three feet tall and twelve years old.

We stood that way for what felt like forever. She glared down at me, but I wasn’t going to budge. Finally, she lifted her chin and a smirk played on her lips.

“If I see you on my property again, I will call the police. Now leave.” She turned her back on me and strode back to the house, leaving me cold and alone in their dark yard.

Anya

I didn’t sleep at all that night. I watched Zander and my mom through the window, but I couldn’t hear what they said. When he walked away, I didn’t know if she’d convinced him to never come back.

When she came in, I thought she’d come to my room and… something. Tell me what happened. Yell at me. But she didn’t. I thought I heard crying coming from her room, but I wasn’t sure.

I sat with my back against my bedroom door all night. Finally, when light poured through my window, her footsteps came close and the lock on the door clicked open. I didn’t hear her move away. I waited for her to knock, then come barging in like she normally did. But she didn’t do that, either.

She must have been standing on the other side of the door for a full ten minutes or more. The lock clicked again before I finally heard her feet make their way down the hall.

I stood, walked into my closet, and got dressed. Then I did something that terrified me. Something I had to do. I packed my bags. And I waited.

It was hours before she came back to my door. Once again the lock clicked, and she slowly pushed the door open. Dark circles hung from her eyes. I cleared my throat, and she looked up at me. She saw the bag in my hand.

Her eyes widened for a split second, then turned to stone. She stood, pulling her shoulders back.

“I’m leaving,” I said, and for half a second, her shoulders fell. In that moment, I pushed past her and made my way down the stairs. She came running after me.

“What are you doing? You can’t leave,” she hollered. I stopped in the dining room and turned to face her. “Young lady, I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but I will send you right back to your room.” Her face was twisted inward, but her voice shook.

Behind her, Lauren watched over both of us. I took a deep breath and pushed back the tears that stung at my eyes.

“I know you’re trying to protect me. I know you’re scared, but you can’t keep me locked up forever.”

“Anya—”

I couldn’t stop. If I did, I might never have said it at all. “I’m sorry you lost Lauren. I’ve spent my whole life trying to make you happy, trying to be the daughter you wanted. But I’m not her. I never will be, and not allowing me to have a life will not give hers back.”

The tears won. They filled my eyes and spilled down over my cheeks, but I kept my hand tight on the handle of my suitcase. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out except air. I strode past her and out the door.

I didn’t know the street where Zander lived now, but how hard could it be to find in a place this small? I was sure I could find it. I held the note he’d given me and walked into town. The sun was hot, and my bag got heavier with every step. As my fiery indignation faded, it was replaced by doubt. What was I doing? What if Zander didn’t want me to come to his place? I’d given him no warning. I’d told him I was done. I’d given up, and as far as he knew, when he came to me, I’d sent my mother out instead. He could be furious with me. He could hate me.

Once I got out of my own neighborhood, I felt small. Like a snowflake in a blizzard. I had no idea where to go. Why had I thought I could find it? The town was small, but there was so much of it I’d never seen.

I had to stop for directions and was thankful the sun was up. People didn’t disappear in the middle of the day, when there were no dark corners to disappear into. I saw a little gas station and decided that talking to the attendant was less frightening than wandering around lost.

The woman behind the counter was probably in her mid to late twenties, with black hair and dark eye makeup. She had a sort of surly look on her face, and I almost turned around to leave.

“Gas?” she asked, not even looking up at me.

“Um, excuse me?”

“Did you get gas?” She said it slowly, like she was talking to an idiot. And she was.

I shook my head. “I’m looking for directions.”

“Oh, where you headed?”

I handed her the paper with Zander’s address on it. “I know this place,” she said. She wrote down the streets and turns as she said them, then handed back the paper with a smile. I thanked her for the directions, but should have thanked her for more than that.

For reminding me that the world wasn’t terrifying. I’d broken my mother’s rules, and the world hadn’t come to an end. I wasn’t so naive as to think it was full of sunshine and lollipops, but it wasn’t full of dark corners and cruel faces, either.

The apartment building was on a dead-end street on the opposite end of town. With the attendant’s directions, I found it easily. I stood in front of the second building on the right. Tall, dark brown, and so much the opposite of the little county home I’d grown up in. I slipped through the front door and made my way to apartment number twenty-six. Butterflies started shooting around inside of me as I stared at the curvy, gold numbers on the white door. I thought about Zander’s letters. Of course he’d be happy to see me. My nerves had just fed my insecurities. I knocked and my smile grew as the door swung open. Then it quickly fell away.