Don't Look Back (34 page)

"And that day, you had a fight with him?"

Johnas laughed wildly. "We were always fighting. It was a neurosis in our family. No doubt we did our part to make things worse for him; we had no idea how to tackle him. We screamed and shouted, and his whole life consisted of swearwords and unpleasantness."

"Tell me what happened."

"Magne stuck his head in the kitchen and shouted goodbye, then went off to catch his bus with his bag over his shoulder. It was still dark outside. I buttered a new piece of bread and put some sausage on it. Then I cut it up in little
pieces, even though he could easily have bitten the crust. The whole time he was banging his cup on the oilcloth-covered table, shouting and screaming—not with laughter or anger, just an endless stream of sounds. Suddenly he caught sight of the dessert waffles from the day before, on the counter, and started nagging me for them, and even though I knew he would win, I said no. That word was like a red flag for him, so he refused to give up, banging his cup and rocking back and forth in his chair, which threatened to fall over. I stood at the counter with my back turned, shaking. Finally I stepped over and grabbed the plate, pulled off the plastic, and lifted up a ring of waffles. I threw the sausage bits in the garbage and put the waffles in front of him, tore off a couple of the hearts. I knew he wasn't going to eat them quietly. There was a lot more in store for me; I knew how he was. Eskil wanted jam on them. Furious, my hands shaking, I spread raspberry jam on the two hearts. That's when he smiled. I remember it so well, that last smile. He was pleased with himself. I couldn't stand the fact that he was so happy, while I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. He picked up his plate and started slamming it against the table. He didn't want the waffles after all, he didn't really like them. The only thing he wanted in all the world was to have his own way. The waffles slid off the plate to the floor. I had to find a cloth. I looked everywhere, but couldn't find one, so I picked up the waffles and spread them out. He watched me with interest as I made a big lump. His little face didn't have a trace of fear for what was to come. I was boiling inside, and some of the steam had to be let out, I didn't know how. Suddenly I bent over the table and stuffed the waffles in his mouth, pushing them in as far as they would go. I still remember his surprised look and the tears that sprang to his eyes.

"'Right now!' I shrieked at him in fury. 'Right now you're going to eat your goddamn waffles!'"

***

Johnas collapsed like a broken stick.

"I didn't mean to do it!"

His cigarette was smoldering in the ashtray. Sejer swallowed and let his eyes slide toward the window, but he found nothing that could erase the image from his retina: the little boy with his mouth full of dessert waffles and his big, terrified eyes.

He looked at Johnas. "We have to accept the children we're given, don't you agree?"

"That's what they all said. Everyone who didn't know any better. And nobody knew. Now I'm going to be charged with abuse, resulting in death. I've charged and condemned myself long ago, and you can't make things any worse."

Sejer looked at him. "What exactly was the charge?"

"Eskil's death was entirely my fault. I was responsible for him. Nothing can be excused or explained away. The only thing is that I didn't mean for him to die. It was an accident."

"It must have been terrible for you," Sejer said. "You didn't have anyone to go to with your despair. At the same time you probably feel that you've never been properly punished for what happened. Is that how it is?"

Johnas was silent. His eyes flitted around the room.

"First you lost your youngest son, and then your wife left you, taking your older son with her. You were left all alone, with no one."

Now Johnas began to cry. It sounded as if he had porridge in his throat that he was trying to regurgitate.

"And yet you've carried on. You have your dog to keep you company. You expanded your business, which is thriving. It takes a lot of energy to start afresh the way you have."

Johnas nodded. The words felt like warm water.

Sejer had taken aim; now he fired his shot.

"And then, after you had finally got a grip on things and your life was getting back to normal—then Annie popped up, didn't she?"

Johnas gave a start.

"Maybe she looked at you with accusing eyes when you met on the street. You must have wondered about that, about why she seemed so unfriendly. So when you caught sight of her running along with her schoolbag, you had to find out what it was all about, once and for all, didn't you?"

A girl came running down the hill. She recognized me at once and pulled up short. Her face froze and she gave me a cold look. Her whole posture rebuffed me, a stubborn, almost aggressive attitude that was alarming.

She started walking again, taking swift strides, without looking back. I called out to her. I refused to give up, I had to find out what was wrong. Finally she relented and got in, sitting with her arms wrapped around the bag, now on her lap. I drove slowly, wanting to speak but not knowing exactly how to begin or whether I was about to do something that could be dangerous for both of us. So I kept on driving, and out of the corner of my eye I was aware of her tense figure, like one big trembling accusation.

"
I need someone to talk to," I started off, hesitantly, clutching the steering wheel hard in my hands. "Things haven't been easy for me
"

"
I know that," she replied, staring out the window. Suddenly she turned and looked at me for a brief moment. It felt like a small opening, and I tried to relax. There was still time to retreat and leave it alone, but now she was sitting there, listening to me. Maybe she was grownup enough to understand everything, and maybe that's all she wanted, some sort of confession or plea for forgiveness. Annie and all her talk about justice.

"
Can we drive somewhere and talk a little, Annie? It's hard to do in the car. If you have some time, just a few minutes. Then I'll drive you to wherever you're going.
"

My voice was thin and pleading; I saw that it touched her. She nodded slowly and seemed to relax a bit, settling back in the seat and staring out the window again. After a while we passed
Horgen's Shop, and I saw a motorcycle parked next to it. The driver was bending over the handlebars, studying something, maybe a map. I drove slowly and carefully up the bad road to Kollen and parked at the turning place. Annie suddenly looked worried. She left her bag on the floor of my car. I try to remember what I was thinking at that moment, but I can't. I remember only that we trudged up the overgrown path. Annie was tall and straight-backed, walking beside me, young and steadfast, yet not unimpressionable. She went with me down to the water and sat hesitantly on a rock. Plucked at her fingers for a while. I remember her short fingernails and the little ring on her left hand.

"
I saw you," she said quietly. "I saw you through the window. Right when you bent over the table. I ran away. Later Papa told me that Eskil was dead.
"

"
I knew you were accusing me," I told her somberly, "because of the way you've been acting. Every day when we've met on the street or at the mailboxes or by the garage. You were accusing me.
"

I started to cry. I leaned forward and sobbed into my lap while Annie sat motionless at my side. She didn't say anything, but when I stopped, I glanced up and saw that she had been crying too. I felt better than I had for a long time. I really did. A warm breeze was stroking my back, and there was still hope.

"
What should I do?" I whispered then. "What should I do in order to put this behind me?
"

She looked at me with her gray eyes, almost in surprise. "Turn yourself in to the police, of course. And tell them the truth. Otherwise you'll never find peace!
"

My heart turned to stone in my chest. I put my hands in my pockets, tried hard to keep them there. "Haveyou told this to anyone?" I asked her.

"
No," she said. "Not yet.
"

"
You should mind your own business, Annie!" I shrieked in desperation. Suddenly I felt as if I were rising up from the bottom, out of the darkness and into the light. A single paralyzing thought
occurred to me: Annie was the only person in the whole world who knew about this. It was as if the wind had turned and was now roaring in my ears. Everything was lost. Her face wore the same astonished expression Eskil's face had.

Afterward I walked swiftly through the woods. I didn't turn around even once to look back at her.

Johnas studied the curtains and the fluorescent light on the ceiling as he kept shaping his lips to form words that wouldn't come.

Sejer looked at him. "We've searched your house and secured the forensic evidence. You will be charged with the negligent homicide of your own son, Eskil Johnas, and the premeditated murder of Annie Sofie Holland. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"You're wrong!"

His voice was a fragile peep. Several burst blood vessels had given his eyes a reddish sheen.

"I'm not the one who will assess your guilt."

Johnas stuck his fingers in his shirt pocket, searching for something. He was shaking so violently that he looked like an old man. Finally he pulled out a flat little metal box.

"My mouth is so dry," he said.

Sejer stared at the box. "But you didn't have to kill her, you know."

"What are you talking about?" he said faintly. "You didn't have to kill Annie. She would have died on her own if you'd just waited a little longer."

"Are you joking?"

"No," Sejer said. "I would never joke about cancer of the liver."

"You must be mistaken. Nobody was healthier than Annie. She was standing by the water when I stood up and left, and the last thing I heard was the sound of a stone that she threw
into the water. I didn't dare tell you the first time, that she actually went all the way up to the lake with me. But that's what happened! She didn't want to drive back with me; she wanted to walk instead. Don't you see that someone must have turned up while she was standing there at the lake? A young girl, alone in the woods. It's crawling with tourists up at Kollen. Does it ever occur to you that you might be mistaken?"

"It does occur to me on rare occasions. But you have to understand that you've lost the battle. We found Halvor."

Johnas grimaced, as if someone had stuck a needle in his ear.

"Sad, isn't it?"

Sejer sat motionless, his hands in his lap. He caught himself rubbing the spot above his wedding ring a few times. There wasn't much else to do. Besides, it was so quiet and almost dark in the small room. Once in a while he glanced up and looked at Halvor's ruined face, which had been washed and tended to, but was still almost beyond recognition. His lips were slightly parted. Several of his teeth had been smashed, and the old scar at the corner of his mouth was no longer visible. His face had split open like an overripe fruit. But his forehead was still whole, and someone had combed back his hair so that the smooth flesh was visible, a small indication of how handsome he had been. Sejer bowed his head and placed his hands carefully on the sheet. They could be clearly seen in the circle of light from the lamp standing on a table. He heard only his own breathing and in the distance an elevator creaking faintly. A sudden movement under his hands made him start. Halvor opened one eye and looked at him. The other was covered with a big liquid lump of bandages, rather like a jellyfish. He wanted to speak. Sejer put a finger to his lips and shook his head. "It's nice to see that smile of yours, but you mustn't say anything. The stitches will burst."

"Tanks," Halvor said indistinctly.

They looked at each other for a long time. Sejer nodded a few times, Halvor kept on blinking his green eye.

"The disk that we found at Johnas's place," Sejer said. "Is it an exact copy of Annie's diary?"

"Mm."

"Nothing was erased?"

He shook his head.

"Nothing was changed or corrected?"

More shaking of his head.

"All right then," Sejer said.

"Tanks."

Halvor's eye filled with tears. He began sniffling.

"Don't fret!" Sejer said. "The stitches will come out. And your nose is running." He stood up, found some tissues by the sink, and tried to wipe away the snot and blood running from the boy's nose.

"I imagine you found Annie difficult once in a while. But now you probably understand that she had her reasons. As a rule, we all do. And this was a huge burden for her to carry all alone. I know this may be a stupid thing to say," he continued, trying to comfort the boy because he felt such pity for him as he lay in bed, his face pulverized. "But you're still young. Right now you've lost so much. Right now you feel as if Annie is the only one you would like to have near. But time will pass, and things change. Someday you'll think differently."

Jesus, what a speech, he thought.

Halvor didn't reply. He stared at Sejer's hands lying on the covers, at the broad gold wedding band on his right hand. His expression seemed to be accusatory.

"I know what you're thinking," Sejer said. "That it's easy for me to talk, sitting here wearing a big wedding band. A real gaudy, extra-wide ring. But, you see," he said with a sad smile, "it's actually two rings welded together."

He twisted the ring around.

"She's dead," he said. "Do you understand?"

Halvor closed his eye, and a little more blood and tears ran down his face. He opened his mouth, and Sejer could see the broken remains of his teeth.

"Mm solly."

Finally the sun was shining full force, and Sejer and Skarre strolled down the street with the dog between them. Kollberg plodded along happily, his tail held high like a banner.

Sejer had a bouquet of flowers hanging from a string around his wrist, red and blue anemones wrapped in tissue paper. His jacket was slung over his shoulders, and his eczema was better than it had been in a long time. He strode along with his easy, supple gait, while Skarre hopped and leaped beside him. The dog walked at a surprisingly brisk pace. Not too fast; they were wearing newly pressed shirts and didn't want to sweat too much before they reached their destination.