Don't Make Me Beautiful (35 page)

“You could have left then.
 
Gone to a neighbor’s.”

“I could barely walk.
 
And I could only imagine what a person would do if I showed up on their doorstep.
 
I was bleeding from a gash on my forehead, both eyes black.
 
I wanted to try and save her.
 
I thought if I could lie down and just relax without John bugging me, I could calm my stomach down.
 
Calm the baby down.
 
Get healthy enough to leave.
 
Besides, John had special locks on the doors.
 
He locked me in all the time.
 
The only way out would have been through a window, and I was in no shape to crawl out.
 
I had no phone, no nothing.
 
Except for the baby, I was completely and totally alone.”
 
Her voice is hollow now, like she’s reliving the feeling of isolation.
 
“I was his prisoner.”

Brian is thinking that anyone in her right mind would have left the minute John was asleep, taken his key and gone out; but at the same time, he knows that there’s no way Nicole was in her right mind at the time all of this was happening.
 
She wasn’t just a prisoner in reality; she was a prisoner in her own head.
 
John had mind-fucked her in the worst possible way.

“So what did you do then?”

“I laid down on the blankets and tried to will the pain away.
 
But the contractions got worse.
 
A few hours later, she was born. Born in the garage in the middle of a pile of junk.”
 
Nicole tries to smile through the tears, but instead her face trembles and spasms.
 
“I had a baby, Brian.
 
She was so tiny, but she was beautiful.
 
She tried to cry, but it sounded so much like … like…”
 
She can’t finish.
 
She’s crying too hard.
 
Dropping her face into her hands, she shakes with sobs.

Brian pulls her into his arms again, ignoring the tears that soak through his shirt.
 
“Shhh, shhh.
 
Just take a break.
 
Take a break, babe.
 
You can tell me when you’re ready.”

“No, I need to say it now,” she says while still crying.
 
“She sounded like a kitten, so I just called her that. I was going to change her name after we left.
 
I didn’t want to name her there.
 
I know it sounds crazy, but I thought that if I waited to name her when we were gone, maybe she could stay gone.
 
Maybe she’d never have to go back.”

Brian swallows the huge lump in his throat.
 
He will not break down.
 
Not in front of her.
 
She needs his strength.
 
He can hold in the pain until he’s alone.
 
He’d rather fall off a cliff right now than make her feel bad about the choices she made while suffering such extreme distress.

“You did the right thing,” he says, not sure he believes it but absolutely certain it’s what she needs to hear.
 
“You did the best you could under the circumstances.”

“Not really.”
 
She leans back in the bed again and stares at the ceiling, hiccuping back the newest sobs.
 
“I fell asleep with her in my arms, and when I woke up, she wasn’t breathing very well.
 
I don’t know how long it was after she was born.
 
Maybe it was five minutes, maybe a couple hours.
 
I didn’t have a watch.”

“Oh my god.”
 
The words slip out of their own accord.

Nicole acts as if she didn’t hear them.
 
“She was too little.
 
I knew it when she was born, that she was too little to survive, but I pretended we were going to be okay.
 
I couldn’t move.
 
There was so much blood coming from inside me.
 
Every time I even shifted, a little more would come out. I was dizzy and sick.
 
I don’t think I slept as much as just passed out from all the blood loss.”

“What did John do?”
 
Brian doesn’t really want to know the answer because he’s sure it’ll be terrible.
 
But he prompts her anyway because she needs to tell her story, and he wouldn’t be much of a man if he didn’t support the woman he loves.

Nothing has changed about how he feels towards her.
 
Maybe he even loves her more, knowing the extent of the pain she’s been through.
 
It takes a special kind of woman to survive a nightmare like John and come out a loving, caring person on the other side.

“He found me the next morning, maybe a few hours after she was born, I don’t know.
 
He took her from me.
 
I don’t know if she was alive or dead then.
 
I was so out of it.
 
I couldn’t get up, and he left me there to die.
 
I do remember very clearly one thing that he said; he told me he was going to go dig my grave in the backyard.”

“Holy shit.”
 
A chill moves down Brian’s spine.
 
He’s so angry right now, he could strangle John with his bare hands.
 
For a moment he considers finding the guy’s room and doing just that.

“I got up that night after John was asleep.
 
I could barely walk I was so weak.
 
I made it to the kitchen where I could look out the back window.
 
I saw two graves.
 
One was big and empty and the other one was tiny and covered with dirt.”

“He buried her … Kitten … in the backyard?”
 
Brian’s voice barely works.
 
His chest feels like it’s caving in.
 
All he can picture is his own sweet child, swaddled in blankets and laid to rest in the cold earth behind a house just one street over.
 
It can’t be real.
 
No one could be that cruel.

“Yes.”
 
Nicole is crying more quietly now.
 
Her eyes are blood-red and her face puffy.
 
“And I saw my spot right next to hers.
 
If I could have, I would have gone and laid down right in it and covered myself with the dirt.”
 
She pauses as the sobs take over.
 
“I wanted to die.
 
I tried to die.
 
But John wouldn’t let me.”

“What do you mean?”
 
Brian realizes he’s squeezing her hand too hard, so he lightens up his grip and lifts her fingers to kiss them.

“He made me get cleaned up.
 
He forced me to eat.
 
He said I needed to pay the price for getting pregnant and killing his child.”

“But you didn’t do that.
 
He
did.”
 
Brian’s moving past upset and transitioning quickly into furious. If the guy were in this room right now, Brian would end up in jail. He knows that the man would die if he could get to him.

“I know that.
 
I know he did.
 
Even then I knew that.
 
But I was to blame too.
 
I knew John would blow his top if he knew I was pregnant.
 
He didn’t want kids.
 
He didn’t want me to have kids.
 
He always said what a terrible mother I’d be.”

“Then he shouldn’t have fucking raped you!” Brian yells.
 
He immediately tones it down.
 
“Shit, I’m sorry.
 
That wasn’t cool.”
 
He drops her hand and turns around, pacing back and forth as he rubs his head with both hands.
 
“Arrrrgh
, I’m not handling this well.
 
I just want to go to his room and kill him.
 
Literally, kill him.”

“Don’t.
 
Just let him go.
 
He can’t hurt me anymore.”

“You’re goddamn right he can’t.
 
Especially when I’m done with him.”

“Seriously, Brian, no.
 
I’m going to talk to the police.
 
I’ve decided.
 
I’m going to tell them everything, even if it means I have to go to jail.”

Brian freezes in place for a moment before spinning around to face her.
 
“What?
 
Why on earth would you go to jail?”

“Because!”
 
Nicole’s voice goes up a notch.
 
“I’m to blame too, aren’t I?
 
I should have left!
 
I should have saved her!”

Brian takes three long strides to get back to her side.
 
“No way.
 
No way, that is not going to happen.
 
I won’t let it.”

Nicole smiles at him through her tears, slowly shaking her head.
 
“I don’t think either one of us are going to have a choice.”

Chapter Fifty

IT FEELS GOOD TO BE dealing with the nightmare head on, to be shedding the light of truth and awareness on it.
 
Monsters can only live in hiding, covered by darkness and the shame wrapped up in the telling.
 
Nicole refuses to feel shame anymore. That’s something John tricked her into doing before, but she’s not falling for it now.

Even though her body and spirit are bent, they’re not broken.
 
No one can truly break her but her, and today she will not let that happen.
 
She will no longer forfeit the running of her life over to another person.
 
Never again as long as she lives.

The police officer closes the notebook that he was writing in.
 
Standing, he puts the book down on her bed, his hulking form blocking out the light from the smallish hospital window.
 
“Nicole, that was a hell of a story.
 
And I can’t tell you what the District Attorney is going to do, I don’t have any decision-making power there, but I will tell you that I’m going to advocate that the State not press charges against you.”

“Thank you.
 
But I’m willing to pay whatever price the State thinks I should. I loved my daughter, and if I did something wrong by her, then that’s the way it has to be.
 
I can’t change the past, I can only walk into my future with eyes wide open, taking responsibility for myself and my actions.”

“That’s very brave of you.
 
I don’t know a lot of people who would stand up and put everything out there like that, especially after all you went through.”
 
He rests his hand on the bed rail.
 
“You put up with more abuse than I’ve seen in fifteen years on the job.
 
I honestly don’t know how you made it this far.
 
I hate to say it, but most women in your situation are already dead by the time I get to them.”

Nicole looks over at the man sleeping in the chair next to her bed.
 
“I’m sure I would be dead too if it weren’t for him.”

The officer joins her gaze and stares at Brian for a while.
 
“He’s a hero in my book.
 
Men like that … they just don’t make ‘em like they used to.”

“He’s a hero in my book, too,” says Nicole softly.
 
“Mine too.”

He puts his ballpoint pen in his pocket, hooking the silver clasp over the edge of it so it peeks out from the corner of the flap.
 
“I don’t know if anyone’s told you this yet, but a bunch of the officers’ wives have gotten together and started a fundraiser on your behalf.”
 
He picks up his notebook and tucks it under his arm.

“What?” Nicole can’t stop the tears from welling up.
 
This is completely unexpected.
 
She doesn’t know what to think or say.

“Yeah.
 
They heard about your story from the news and from some of the police reports that are public record.
 
They were thinking you could use the money to find a place to live or to have surgery or whatever.”
 
He looks down at the floor, maybe embarrassed about bringing up her face.

Nicole’s voice wavers.
 
“I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.
 
But my wife would kill me if I didn’t follow the one specific order she gave me before I came over here today.”
 
He gives her an awkward grin.

“What order?”
 
Nicole is mystified.

“She said if I didn’t give you a big old hug for her, she’d serve me brussel sprouts for a week straight.
 
And Nicole, I really, really
hate
brussel sprouts, so I hope you’ll help me out.”

She smiles through her tears.
 
“I guess you’d better hug me, then.”

She leans forward as the big bear of a police officer steps forward and takes her into a gentle hug.

“We’re proud of you, girl,” he says, his voice softer and warm.
 
“You took the bull by the horns and wrestled it to the ground.
 
We lose women in our country to domestic violence every day, so thanks for making me feel good about my job today.”

She can’t speak because the tears are coming too strong, so she pats him on the back.

“Hey, what’s going on in here?” Brian asks, his voice full of his smile.
 
“That’s my lady you’re messing with.”

The police officer releases her, being careful not to jar her body too much.
 
“I’m just following orders.
 
And now I’ve gotta scoot.
 
Duty calls.”
 
He checks his cell phone and then turns on his radio, mumbling something into the speaker on his shoulder before looking up.
 
“I may have to come back to follow up a little, but I think this is good enough for now.”