Double Vision (19 page)

“I was in the tub.” He’d changed clothes. Navy slacks and a subtle print shirt that looked wonderful with his eyes. And the dusty bandages had been replaced with smaller, clean ones.

“You were in the tub for nine hours?”

Frowning, she insisted that her eyes open. “Nine hours?”

“It’s nine at night, Kate.” He swiped his face with his left hand and she saw a telltale circle of white skin where his wedding band had been.

He’d taken it off.

Her heart skipped a little beat and, silently thankful, she scooted over on the mattress. “Then it’s a reasonable bedtime.” She tossed back the sheet and patted the empty place with her hand. “Come to bed, Nathan.”

“Kate, I don’t think…You don’t know what you’re—”

Alert now, she looked him right in the eye. “Sometimes you think too much, and I know exactly what I’m doing, Nathan.”

He frowned at her, shoved his hands into his slacks’ pockets. “Do you want me here because of some fear of ending up alone?”

“I’ve been alone all my life. It’s what I know. I don’t fear it.” She lowered her arm. The sheet fell slack over her hip. This wasn’t about her at all. He’d taken off the ring, but this was still about Emily. “Do you love me, Nathan?”

“Yes, I do.” He looked anything but happy about it. “I told you I did.”

“I know what you told me, but then you thought you were going to die. You’re alive now and, at least for the moment, odds look pretty good that you’ll be alive for the foreseeable future.” She sat up. “Do you love me now?”

“Yes, but—”

Of course there was a “but.” Wasn’t there always a but? “But I’m not Emily,” Kate finished for him.

“No.” He looked genuinely surprised. “You’re not Emily, Kate, but you’re not supposed to be. You’re supposed to be you.” He let his head loll back. “You’ve got this wrong.”

She scrunched up her pillow. “Then give it to me right.”

He caught his lower lip with his teeth, his left eye twitching. “I haven’t been with a woman since Emily died. That’s what this is about.”

She couldn’t believe it. He was too virile, too everything. “You’re telling me that you’ve been celibate for five years?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, reinforcing his claim. “I don’t know the rules in this kind of relationship. I don’t like being on unsure ground.”

This, she understood. “You’re afraid of me.”

“Hell, yes.” His expression turned frank. “I’m afraid you’re going to break my heart.” He sighed so deeply it heaved his shoulders. “There, I finally said it.”

He expected her to ridicule him; she sensed it. It was hard not to reassure him, but he wouldn’t believe her anyway. This was one of those firsthand lessons that he’d have to work through himself, and the only proof that would be of use to him would be time. He’d have to live it to recognize the truth. “I’d never deliberately hurt you, Nathan.”

He walked a short path beside her bed. “When Emily died, I thought I’d died, too. I thought that part of my life was over.”

“What part?” she asked, settling back on her pillow. Obviously, Nathan needed to talk. “You loving a woman?”

“Yes.” He looked her straight in the eyes. “You scare the hell out of me, Kate. You have since I first heard your voice on the radio.”

She hadn’t talked to him on the radio. “When did you hear my voice?”

“During the first compound raid.” He grimaced.

“When I flirted with Douglas?” Now, she was finally getting a grip on this.

Nathan nodded.

“I scared you then?” This, she didn’t get. “But I didn’t even know you.”

“I know.” He lifted a hand. “But something inside of me sure knew you. I was so damn jealous of Douglas, I wanted to rip his throat out.”

“What did he do?”

“Nothing.” Nathan rolled his eyes back in his head. “I wanted you to flirt with me. I didn’t want you to flirt with him, and I damn sure didn’t want him flirting back with you.”

“Ah.”

“Yes, ah.” He snorted, started pacing again.

“So why didn’t you contact me afterward?”

“What?” He stopped. “I’m supposed to call and tell you I was listening in, and the sound of your voice made me a lunatic?”

“I see your point.” Infinitely pleased, she rose up onto her knees at the edge of the bed and placed her hands on his chest. “I don’t think you’re a lunatic, Nathan.” She stroked him shoulder to waist. “And you’re not the only one afraid of ending up with a broken heart.”

“Why are you afraid?” he asked, stunned. “You know I love you.”

“I’m not merely afraid, Nathan. I’m terrified.”

“I know.” His eyebrows knit together. “Of being alone, right?”

“No, I told you before, I’m used to being alone.” She looked down at the floor, then forced herself to meet his gaze. “I’m terrified of loving you for the rest of my life and never again seeing you look at me the way you always looked at Emily’s picture.”

“Kate, no.” He stroked her hair, reassuring her. “Oh, honey, no. There’s no competition, Kate. Love doesn’t work that way.”

“See, that’s the problem. How would I know?” She sucked in a sharp breath, looked up at him and circled his neck with her arms. “I think I’ve done something really stupid, Nathan.”

“Kate, nothing can be that bad.”

“This can.”

“What is it?”

She steeled herself and said the words she’d never before in her life uttered out loud except once when she was five, to her favorite teddy bear, Baxter. “I’m totally and completely in love with you.” She shook her head. “Love or maybe lust with a kick.”

“Love
or
lust with a kick?” He clearly wasn’t happy with that.

“It feels like lust—I mean, lust is definitely there—only there’s more. It’s the
more
that’s giving me fits.” She shrugged. “I can’t explain it, Nathan. I wish I could, but I’ve never been in love. I’ve never felt love from anyone else. How would I know it if it fell on me?”

He hesitated and then his expression closed. “I think I understand the problem. I saved your life, Kate. You’re grateful to me. That’s all. You feel lust and gratitude and that’s confusing the issue, making you think it’s love. But it’s not.”

Her arms went slack on his shoulders and she tilted her head to look at him. “How do you know what it is or isn’t?”

“It’s a logical deduction, sweetheart.”

“But everyone says love isn’t logical.” Yet he feared she had confused gratitude and combined it with lust and considered that love. And he thought that was logical? Sounded damned illogical to her. “No, I’m not buying it, Nathan.”

“Why not?”

“Because over the years, many men have saved my life and I’ve never wanted to sleep with any of them. I’ve only been in this lust-or-love position once. Now, with you.”

She dipped her chin to her chest, weighed her feelings, seeking the truth, and when it settled, she looked up at him. “I am grateful to you for saving my life. I would’ve drowned, and I know that. But the things I feel for you…”

She faltered, failing to find just the right words, fell back and regrouped, then tried again. “Gratitude isn’t enough. Neither is lust. I’ve known lust. I’ve felt both of those things, but neither is like…like this.”

The fear left his face. His expression softened, the tenderness she craved lighted in his eyes and he cupped her face in his hands then stroked her jaw with a gentle pass of his thumbs. “I think the truth is, we’re cowards, Kate.”

This, she should find endearing? “What?”

“Cowards,” he repeated. “We fight demons like Kunz and Sandross but we run from the ones inside us. I’m afraid of loving and losing again. You’re afraid of loving at all. We’re cowards.”

She frowned and tried to pull away.

He wouldn’t let her. “No, listen to me. Just listen.”

“Okay, but I have to warn you, Forester, I have issues with cowardice.”

He smiled. “Losing Emily was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life, Kate. The idea of going through that again—” His voice cracked and he paused. Swallowing hard, he then went on. “Your job in S.A.S.S. really increases the odds.”

“I know you’re not going to suggest I leave my job, Nathan.” Her tone made it clear that would be an outrageous request.

“No, I’m not. I’d never do that to you.” He sucked in a breath that heaved his chest. “But I am going to be grateful for you every moment and every day.” His hands trembled on her face and his eyes shone bright. “Here’s my bottom line. I’d rather have five minutes with you than a lifetime without you.” Resolve filled his voice. “I’m not running anymore, Kate. I don’t want to run, and I don’t want you to run from me.”

“I don’t want to run from you.” She covered his hands on her face. “Together maybe we can do what we haven’t been able to do alone.”

“What’s that?”

“Stop being cowards.” Facing men who might kill you was one thing. Openly trusting someone who could break your heart was far more dangerous.

He smiled. “Yeah, I think we can.”

She nudged at his hands on her face. “Then kiss me, Nathan.”

He brushed his lips to hers and whispered, “I want you to feel all that I feel for you. All of it. All of me.”

And she did. With every loving touch, every mumbled whisper and sensuous moan, Kate fell deeper and deeper into the man, sharing intimacies that exceeded lust, exceeded anything she’d known.

Nathan was as greedy as she was, taking and taking, leaving no part of her body or heart untouched. He urged her to open to him, to share her entire self—body, mind and spirit—and this knowing seeped into her pores, obvious, strange and unknown and dangerous, and while it should make her uncomfortable, and it normally would, this time it didn’t. She welcomed it, welcomed him, and let passion sweep her into new realms unchecked, unhampered and unafraid. She
wanted
this universal union, this total merging into one. She wanted this man, with all his flaws and memories of a life shared with another before her, confident that his heart was big enough, strong enough, for her, too.

Delving deeper and deeper, sensation upon sensation rippled through her, pouring in heat, awakening desires so well hidden she hadn’t known they lived inside her. She was awed by the sheer force of their passion, her body shimmered and thrummed an unfamiliar message that spoke unheeded to his. The unity released a power so fierce that intense emotions tumbled one over the other—passion, pleasure, joy—and pounded through her, forging a
new facet in her very core. And recognizing this magnificent change, Kate discovered her strength.

The woman she had been was no longer.

A new woman was born.

A woman both loved and in love.

A rustle awakened Kate.

Sprawled in bed, her face buried at the pillow, she reached for Nathan. The sheets were still warm, but he was gone. She pushed back her hair and looked toward the sound. He was standing at the window, staring out into the night. “Nathan?”

“Did I wake you?” He didn’t look back. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay.” She slid out of bed, wrapped her discarded towel around her and tucked it in over her breasts. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he said softly. “Go back to sleep. You’re exhausted.”

Distant and edgy. Very unlike himself. “Nathan, I asked you a question and I expect you to be honest with me.”

He looked over his shoulder at her. “Nothing you can fix.”

Kate muddled over that remark. She crossed her arms and moved closer to stand beside him at the window. “Is it your men or Emily?”

He swiveled his gaze from the city lights to her. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know that, Nathan.” She stroked his face. “You’re worried about your men, but you feel guilty for making love with me, right?”

“Worse.” Agony shone in his eyes. “I feel guilty for loving you, Kate.”

“I see.” So he didn’t feel guilty for making love but he
did feel guilty for loving. Thank God. That, she could help him sort out. She stepped back to the bed and sat on the edge. “Granted, I’m a newcomer to this love business, but as inexperienced as I am, I know that if something happened to me, I would want you to live.” She waited, but he still didn’t look at her. “I see all the good in you, Nathan. You have so much give. I would die praying you found someone special to love again.”

He turned to look at her, his eyes wide and unblinking.

“It’s the truth, Nathan.”

“But you can’t be sure.” He shrugged. “You didn’t know her, Kate.”

“No, but I know you. And I know from you that she loved you.” Kate tucked a loose lock of hair behind her ear. “Women are complex creatures, I’ll give you that. But love isn’t complex. I didn’t realize that until you. Love just is, Nathan, and when you feel love for someone, you want that person to be embraced by it. I can’t explain it logically—I don’t know if that’s even possible. Love is too new to me to be sure of much. But I know that I would want you loved, Nathan. I know it as surely as I know I love you.”

He swallowed hard, blinked three times in rapid succession. “In my head, and even in here—” he tapped his chest “—I know you’re right. It’s been five years, but to tell you the truth, Kate, you hit me like a sledgehammer. I think I just need a little time to get used to it.” He walked over to sit beside her on the bed. “I fell in love with you without ever seeing you. When you were getting ready to attack Kunz’s compound in Iran and you were flirting with Douglas on the radio, I knew it then. I told myself I was crazy, that I thought it was love because I’d been alone so long. But I knew I’d been lying to myself the moment I first saw
you. I’ve known it every moment since. I’ve resigned myself to that.”

“Jeez, Nathan, your enthusiasm for loving me has my knees shaking. Back off a little on the charm.”

“No, quit being sarcastic. I mean, I had accepted that I loved you and I would love you for the rest of my life,” he explained. “What I hadn’t considered was the possibility that you would ever love me.”

“Oh, Nathan.” She smiled softly, stroked his knee. “Of course. I get it now.” She leaned her head into his upper arm. “You feel guilty because you’re alive and being loved and Emily is dead.”

“Maybe. I’m not sure.” He thought a moment. “Probably.”