Dragons & Butterflies: Sentenced to Die, Choosing to Live (8 page)

Almost as if she was in a trance, she agreed. She even told me stay where I was while she went to see if Charles was around. He wasn’t – luck was on my side. By the time she returned and assured me that the coast was clear, I had come out from under the bed. I thanked her hurriedly and was out of there in a flash. By then, Sammy had made his own escape, undetected.

By lunchtime the girl had clearly realised what I’d actually been up to, and she was furious. She pointed an angry finger in my direction and warned, ‘Watch out, my boy.’

So ended my secret one-sided romance, and also our peeping-tom days – not a bad thing, I suppose, although I guess boys will always be boys.

By the time I was 15, although I had never had any formal sex education, I had had several innocent relationships with various girls younger than me, but somehow it was always the more mature girls I was attracted to. This might, of course, have been because, during that era at the Arc, we boys were outnumbered by the girls, most of whom were our seniors.

One day, what started out as an average Monday evening unexpectedly took an interesting turn. One of the senior girls, Lisa, whom admittedly I had noticed and had on occasion fantasised about, cornered me as I was walking past the public telephone.

‘Shani,’ she called out, ‘what is your problem?’

I was startled and a bit nervous, too. ‘What do you mean?’ I stuttered.

She looked at me, mildly annoyed. ‘Do you think I’m stupid?’ she replied.

Normally I could talk my way out of any situation, but that day, perhaps because of the age difference and because we both knew there was an attraction between us, I felt distinctly uneasy. For once I couldn’t think of anything to say.

She smiled. I got the impression that she was taking great pleasure in teasing me. And then, with what seemed like a reconciliatory gesture, she stretched out her arm and rested her hand on my shoulder. ‘Come on, Shani,’ she said seductively, ‘I’ve seen the way you look at me.’ She gazed steadily into my eyes.

Besides being momentarily mesmerised, I was also consumed with desire. In my state of stupor I found myself staring at her exposed cleavage, and I could have sworn her breasts swelled in concert with every breath she took. I had an almost uncontrollable urge to touch and kiss her, and I nearly did, when suddenly we were interrupted by the approaching footsteps of one of the other girls coming down the stairs from the girls’ department to use the phone.

That night I struggled to sleep, although being an insomniac didn’t help either. Moreover, I found myself replaying the earlier incident over and over in my head. While touching myself, I kept rehearsing what I should have said to Lisa, and I could have kicked myself for not confessing that I was attracted to her.

It was very possible that she felt the same way, but, even so, I still had my doubts. Girls were generally unpredictable, and perhaps my indiscreet watching of her had actually been more annoying than welcome. I decided that I would do my best from then on to ignore her and refrain from staring. Satisfied with my plan, I fell asleep.

The next morning at breakfast I didn’t see Lisa, as the places where we usually sat weren’t near each other, and in fact she wasn’t uppermost in my mind – until she walked past me carrying a pile of dirty dishes. I simply couldn’t resist looking at her. She, on the other hand, now seemed blithely unaware of my presence, which came as a bit of a relief and to a degree confirmed my suspicions.

After school, before
shul
and dinner, we boys usually got together for a game of football. Some of the girls would congregate at the end of the veranda that ran along the rear of the main building, and that afternoon I couldn’t help noticing Lisa there among the group. She appeared to be looking in our direction, but I couldn’t be sure. I continued to concentrate on the game, and when next I looked up the girls had all disappeared.

During the week everybody except the matrics was required to attend homework sessions in the dining room between 7 and 8pm. Being a creature of habit, I always sat at the same table where I took my meals, although we could sit anywhere we liked to do our homework. That evening I arrived relatively early. Only a handful of kids were there. I got stuck into my homework and paid no attention to the scuffling noise of children filtering into the dining room at different intervals.

I was completely engrossed in my studies when, to my surprise, Lisa appeared. She pulled out the chair directly opposite mine and asked if I minded if she joined me. Although secretly delighted, I kept my expression neutral. Be my guest, I gestured casually. Needless to say, I found it difficult to concentrate on my work, and after a few minutes I excused myself. I went to the lavatory, where I washed my face and spent some time looking in the mirror and reciting what I was going to say to her. I knew I needed to broach the subject of what had happened between us the night before. Feeling more composed and confident, I went back to the dining room. Taking my courage in both hands, in a low voice I asked Lisa what last night had been all about and then I admitted I had been staring at her because I found her desirable. Then I promptly added that it wasn’t a big deal.

Lisa looked amused, but she held my gaze and there was something definitely seductive in the way she looked at me. My heart skipped multiple beats. Then she told me amiably that she was flattered by the attention. If she wasn’t flirting with me, then I didn’t know anything. The tension between us was unmistakable.

I just smiled back at her and pretended to continue doing my homework, but after that it was almost impossible.

While I was busy wondering what my next move should be, Lisa began to pack up her things. As she left, she passed me a folded piece of paper. I looked around the room to see if anyone had noticed anything and then, satisfied that nobody had, hurriedly opened the note. It read: ‘Meet me at the fishpond by the
shul
at 8.30. PS Don’t be late.’ I had to reread the note several times before the reality of what she was proposing registered in my mind. It was almost 8pm. I gathered up my things and, at breakneck speed, raced down to my dormitory, where I took a quick shower.

As the appointed time approached, I slipped out of the boys’ department and stealthily made my way to the
shul
. The area around the fishpond was deserted and, except for the stars and the dim light from the rooms, it was very dark. I found the silence unsettling and, just to make matters worse, my old fear of the dark crept out of the shadows. It was already 8.35 and Lisa was nowhere in sight. It was beginning to dawn on me that perhaps I had fallen victim to a cruel prank.

Then I heard a soft voice calling out my name – ‘Shani!’ – and there she was. We touched hands and I think I tried to mumble something, but then we were in each other’s arms, kissing passionately. After a minute, Lisa suggested we go to the Hebrew classroom.

Most of us kids at the Arc avoided being in this part of the grounds after dark. It was rumoured that ghosts roamed around here at night, and it wasn’t a comfortable feeling. All the same, how could I resist Lisa? I took her hand and led her down the steps. Inside the building, it was pitch dark and it took some time for my eyes to adjust. I kept imagining that someone was lurking in the shadows and that at any moment we would be pounced on. Sensing my discomfort, Lisa beckoned me closer and began kissing me again, this time unbuttoning my shirt. Her tender touch on my exposed chest was exciting and I completely forgot where I was. I removed her blouse and then her bra and before long we were both naked. We piled our clothes on the floor and I gently laid her down on them.

Things really got wild and heated after that as we explored each other’s bodies. I was in seventh heaven. Suddenly I heard a shuffling noise only a few metres away from where we were lying. I froze and tightened my grip on Lisa, and in a whisper asked her if she had heard anything. After a long silence, she started to giggle, accusing me of being a scaredy-cat.

I laughed and we continued to be intimate, but in a disturbed moment my mind flashed back to an incident when I was about five or six years old. I had been on holiday with my mother and Janos in Lourenço Marques (Maputo). The hotel room had a double bed. I remember being very hot, and in the middle of the night I was woken up by strange muffled noises. I was scared. I looked towards the bed where my parents were sleeping. My stepfather was on top of my mother and it looked like they were wrestling. I was sure he was hurting her, beating her as I’d seen him do many times before.

Frightened, I had cowered under my blanket and prayed that the noises would cease, before eventually falling into a deep slumber. I had blocked the incident from my mind until now.

Back in the Hebrew classroom, time became timeless, but, as we reached levels of ecstasy that transcended anything I’d ever experienced, without warning Lisa’s head tilted back and her entire body started convulsing uncontrollably. This was accompanied by a short burst of a shrieking groan. I got the fright of my life. I thought she was having an epileptic fit. Panic-stricken, and not at all sure what to do, I stroked her long hair and did my best to soothe her, saying, ‘It’s okay, it’s okay’ over and over again.

This was a total freak-out, I thought. I mean, what if she died? How on earth was I going to explain myself? After a lot of stroking and reassuring, to my relief Lisa came round and seemed to have no recollection of anything unusual happening.

When I asked if she was okay, she appeared baffled by my question and insisted she was fine. By now it was late and I suggested we should get going, so we dressed hurriedly and made our way back to the main building. There we kissed again before going our separate ways.

In retrospect, losing my virginity was an extraordinary experience, even though it might not have carried the hallmark of true love. The spontaneous and exciting manner in which it happened makes it one of my most memorable sexual encounters. Just for the record, and to my embarrassment, later in life I discovered that what I thought were symptoms of epilepsy was just Lisa having an orgasm. As I said, my sex education was sketchy, to say the least.

Me and my friends at the Arc, all about 16 years old, entered a phase of night excursions. This added an element of danger to our normal adventures. Such outings comprised, among other things, ‘borrowing’ parked cars or anything with wheels, and housebreaking, which isn’t altogether an appropriate description for what we did. It was more like trespassing, the challenge being to get in and out of buildings undetected; we never intended to steal anything. If we were caught, escape was imperative, and this was the ultimate adrenaline rush. It was all part of the game. Getting caught meant also a loss of face in front of the other boys.

On countless occasions we were chased by security guards, landlords, gardeners, the police and even milkmen, and as a result we became great athletes. At school, we Arcs always took first, second or third place in the cross-country races, which was a source of surprise to our other friends, who never saw us at training and couldn’t fathom why the boys from Arcadia were always such formidable opponents.

Friday nights were bunking-out nights. By age 16, watching
The Brady Bunch
had lost its thrill for us. We were looking for something a bit more exciting. One night we unanimously decided to explore the buildings of the Johannesburg General Hospital, which was still under construction, as well as the area nearby, which happened also to be the location of a girls’ boarding school, Roedean. The area itself was charming, with botanical gardens known as The Wilds bordering the school’s property. This enhanced its splendour and tranquillity during the daytime, but at night it looked more like the setting for a horror movie. I recall at around that time a man’s mutilated body was found in The Wilds, and a few incidents of rape had also taken place there. Crime was on the increase, and even usually quiet Killarney had become notorious as a playground for unsavoury characters. As a result, the police patrolled the area constantly.

And so, with the increased element of risk, when we went on our Friday night adventures – or night raids, as we called them – as a preventive measure we were now compelled to carry weapons. These took the form of batons, nunchakus and knives, and sometimes even baseball bats. We were resourceful and were renowned for our courage and determination. Our motto was ‘Do or Die.’ Little did I know then the impact and influence our comradeship was already having on my character.

On this particular Friday night, we were more in number than usual. It had been decided that certain junior boys would be allowed to join in the expedition as part of their initiation into manhood. Bar Mitzvahs were a spiritual thing and were for ‘bagels’; survival in a precarious situation was the real test. Straight after dinner, our usual crew assembled in the driveway. This consisted of myself, Sammy Lasker, Charles Goldman, brothers Eric and Leo Niedermayr and Colin Coats, who wasn’t actually an Arcadian but had proved his loyalty and become a staunch friend. The two junior boys joining us for the first time were David Graff and Steven Landsman, aka Fanny. Taking the junior boys with us was irresponsible, but nothing new for the harum-scarum boys we were. Our logic was that, sooner or later, they would be bunking out on their own anyway. None of us really considered the consequences of our actions.