Draw Me In (31 page)

“
Gotcha,
”
Leo nodded, like he knew exactly
what I was referring to. I decided I had to quickly change the subject so he
didn
’
t
start visualizing that memory as well.

“
This turned out phenomenal.
”
I motioned a hand toward the label.
It truly was stunning. They
’
d
managed to achieve the Old World style and tradition, while still creating a
label that would sell in the modern market. A genius move to position them at
the top, no doubt.

“
Right?
”
Leo picked up the bottle and turned
it between his hands in adoration.
“
It
’
s exactly what I was looking for. You
really nailed it, Julie.
”

“
I
’
m good at nailing things.
”

“
Is that so?
”
Leo spun me around with just one
hand on my waist and rubbed his nose against mine. Pulled back. Locked eyes.
“
I love you.
”

He
’
d said it to me earlier this
afternoon before we shared our gel-ah-to together, but I hadn
’
t anticipated a follow up so soon. I
was still worried he confessed it too early and would want to retract that
statement. But here he was, just a few hours later, saying it all over again.
Confirming it. Letting those three words hang in the air between us.

“
Only because I
’
m going to make you even more
millions with this award-worthy label,
”
I teased, protecting my heart with a little witty banter. Always my go-to.

“
Because you
’
re going to make me even happier than
I ever imagined possible.
”

I
stared into his eyes, searching out the meaning behind what he was saying.
“
And when will that be?
”

“
Tonight. Now. This moment,
”
Leo answered, not blinking as he
spoke. He leaned in a touch and kept his eyes trained on mine.
“
I want this to be the start of our
night that is fifty years long, Julie.
”

I
wasn
’
t
sure if that was a proposal but it sure as hell sounded like one. Maybe not for
marriage necessarily, but I knew he was at least proposing the idea of Leo and
me becoming an
us.

“
I want that, too.
”
I curled into his chest. Breathed in
deep.
“
I
want you, Leo.
”

“
I want
you
, Julie.
”
His lips parted. Warm air rushing through them tingled my scalp. I gripped on
tighter around his waist to disguise the shivers, but nothing could hide what
Leo did to me. I
’
m
sure it was glaringly obvious to everyone in attendance just how
head-over-heels I was for this guy. I might as well be doing a handstand. He
’
d turned my entire existence
upside-down.

I
swallowed down all caution as I asked,
“
Did
you honestly think you wouldn
’
t
live to celebrate this birthday?
”

His
breath left him in a heavy sigh.
“
I
don
’
t
know what I expected.
”
Behind us the musical duo crooned out their melodies of love found and lost. Their
notes wrapped around us.
“
My
mom died right after they told her those same odds. For a while, I didn
’
t allow myself to hold onto any hope.
Not in doctors. Not in medicine. Certainly not in statistics.
”

“
How come?
”

Hope
was often all we had. I believed that in this life, hope was the one thing we
were actually allowed to cling to, regardless of the circumstance. It was our
God-given right, wasn
’
t
it? To hold out hope, even against all odds?

“
Because I didn
’
t have any reason to hope.
”

I
didn
’
t
get that. From where I was standing, Leo had so much to live for. This party
displayed every aspect of that in a statement of visible grandeur.
“
But you had your business and your
money and your wine label. And don
’
t
forget that gorgeous car and this breathtaking Villa.
”

“
Those are just
things
. You put hope in things and you
’
ll be disappointed every time.
”

I
supposed that was true, but I didn
’
t
know where else to place my hope. Never before had I actually had some
one
to carry around the basket that I
’
d dumped all of my eggs into.

“
But now I have you, Julie. And I have
the hope of what we can become, you and me.
”

I
smiled against the fabric of his shirt.
“
Yes,
you have me. And I
’
m
not going anywhere. In fact, I
’
m
thinking Italy might be the perfect place for me to settle down. Permanently.
Got any more busts you need drawn?
”

Leo
bristled.

The
song ended.

Straightening
his arms, he pushed me out from his body slowly, like I was a bomb about to
detonate.
“
Julie.
”
That didn
’
t sound good. All of the other times
he
’
d
said my name it was like a prayer, but this was a warning.
“
Julie... You have to go back to New
York tomorrow.
”

“
What?
”
I shouted it, unable to control my
volume.
“
Why?
”

“
I
’
ve been in talks with your counselor
and they
’
re
not approving our internship for valid course credit.
”

My
heart rate slowed a little and the tightness in my chest released. Not the
worst-case scenario I
’
d
leapt to in my head.
“
Oh,
”
I breathed.
“
That
’
s fine, Leo. Honestly, graduating
this spring isn
’
t
at the top of my list anymore.
”

“
But it should be.
”
He cut me off and his hands dug
tighter into my flesh.
“
I
’
m not letting you rearrange your list
of priorities all because of me. You need to go back and finish out the
quarter. I
’
ll
still be here when you
’
re
done.
”

I
didn
’
t
like the sound of that, and if I had anything to do with it, I wasn
’
t going to let things go down this
way.

“
Leo,
”
I began, trying to maintain my calm.
“
You said yourself that you could
never expect someone to wait for you. I
’
m
not going to make you do that for me. I
’
ll
get those extra credits later. Right now, I just want to be with you. Here.
Like this. Us.
”

At
that moment I knew no matter what I said it wouldn
’
t work to convince him. Leo had
already made up his mind. With his eyes closed
—
as if he couldn
’
t even look at my face as he
delivered the news
—
he
said,
“
I
’
ve already booked your flight.
”

“
But I
—”

“
You head out tomorrow morning at
nine.
”

I
could hardly see him through the tears that gripped the edges of my eyes.
“
You
’
re coming with me, right?
”
Two rivulets of water slipped down
my cheeks. Leo used the pad of his thumb to sweep them away. He kept his hand
lightly on my jaw as I looked into his helpless blue eyes. For someone who
supposedly orchestrated this, he looked absolutely heartbroken. Lost. Drowning,
just like I had been the first time I laid eyes on him.
“
Are you at least coming back?
”

“
Not just yet.
”
 
His brow tightened in an effort to keep his own emotion at bay, but I
could see that. Each word was like a knife slicing his gullet on its way out of
him.
“
Soon.
”
He pulled my chin up to guide my
face toward his.
“
Hey.
This isn
’
t
the end of us, Julie. I pretty much just told you I have plans to marry you.
”
I allowed myself to smile at that.
Allowed myself to seek out the joy in this sudden pain.
“
This isn
’
t even a pause button. More like just
flipping the channel from the one with the Italian subtitles to the English
version. We
’
ll
be just the same in New York as we are here. I promise.
”

“
You do?
”
I asked, placing my hope in those
words. I still had hope, and it was my right to put it in whatever I chose. But
I knew I would place all of it in Leo, whether that was fair to him or not. It
was a lot of responsibility to carry the burden of someone
’
s hopes and dreams, but I couldn
’
t fathom not giving him the chance to
at least attempt it.

“
I do. I promise. Like I said before,
I love you, Julie. So much that I can
’
t
let you walk away from your dreams and your education just for me.
”

“
But maybe you
’
re my dream now,
”
I offered, because I was certain he
was.

“
I know you can dream big enough to
include all of those things in your future. Me. College. Graduation. There
’
s room for all of it.
”

He
was right. I had big dreams. Ones I didn
’
t
want to wake up from. I knew getting on that plane tomorrow was a risk, but
with Leo
’
s
assurance, it didn
’
t
feel like I was abandoning these current dreams I of mine, only adding to them.
Maybe it could all work out in our favor. Everything else had so far.

Though
Walker had annoyed me with his ramblings earlier, I
’
d give anything in this moment to
know my chances with Leo. But that was one statistic I doubted I
’
d be able to determine. And that
might be a good thing, because that
’
s
what love was about, wasn
’
t
it? Taking chances when the outcome was uncertain. Living and hoping when you
weren
’
t
sure what tomorrow held.

But
I did know what my tomorrow would be like. It would involve me and a packed
suitcase and a nine-hour flight back to New York City and a Leo who wouldn
’
t be joining me as a passenger on
that plane.

For
as much confidence as I placed in our future, that reality felt like it just
knocked several percentages off from our hopeful statistic.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

You
know when you go through customs and they ask you to declare anything you
’
re bringing back into the country?
Like we all share this big old rotating world, but we
’
ve delineated these imaginary
boundaries and borders, etched onto continents and parceled out landscapes like
drawing a line in the sand. We can inhabit the same earth, utilize the same
gravitational force that keeps all of our feet stuck to the ground rather than
kicking out languidly in the air like we
’
re
swimming through atmosphere, but we can
’
t
bring an apple from Canada into the U.S. without filling out a binding, legal
document declaring its fruity arrival.

Some
things about the way the world worked just didn
’
t make sense to me.

Anyway,
I cried when they asked me if I had anything. Because I wasn
’
t bringing anything
—
or anyone
—
with me. Luckily,
Ian was there to pick up my pieces and get me through the endlessly long line,
to baggage claim, and back into a cab to take us home to our apartment tucked
in between the high-rise folds and ribbons of brick and mortar that made up New
York City. I wasn
’
t
sure I would
’
ve
been able to navigate that on my own, though I
’
d done it countless times in the past
after our international travels. Some days a girl just needed a little extra
guidance.

And
things were different now. There was a sadness that coated all of my actions
and thoughts like some bitter icing spread over my being. Like when you
expected the treat of a cupcake topped in sweet vanilla, only to realize it was
cream cheese frosting masquerading as a real form of sugar worthy to be whipped
into a fluffy ornamentation. Cheese was not a dessert, even when it hijacked
its way onto the dessert menu in platter form. There were some things that just
couldn
’
t
pass for truth. My fake attempt at pasting on a convincing smile and a warm,
confident
everything-will-be-alright
demeanor
was one of those things. I was all cheese, fake and bitter.

I
hated it. This wasn
’
t
me. I wasn
’
t
one of those tormented and depressed artists that created from the darkness of
their emotion. I was light. I was airy. Maybe sometimes a little too airy,
bordering on the side of air-headedness, but that was okay. I liked me. Leo
liked me. But this brooding girl? Not so much.

I
honestly wasn
’
t
sure where this sorrow came from. It wasn
’
t
like Leo and I were over. He
’
d
made that extremely clear. But the thought of being apart from him when I was
just beginning to feel like such
a part
of him was a blow, a suicide vest strapped to my chest, only to detonate after
arriving on my own soil once again.

But
it didn
’
t
detonate.

Instead,
I waited for it. That nervous, inevitable countdown. The fiery red digital glow
that ticked off one more second of my happiness until my world would be over in
a blast of delusion.

It
hadn
’
t
happened yet, but I felt the crushing weight of the vest constrict my ribs with
each breath I took.

It
felt like we were over.

Eva
and her mom were gone when our cab pulled up to the loft. Apparently Leo had
footed the bill to have them relocated to a nearby hotel. It was a nice
gesture, but one that made the permanence of what he was doing all the more
real. He
’
d
thought this out. He
’
d
prepared for it. I hadn
’
t
even been in Italy a week yet, but I wondered how long this had been in the
works. It didn
’
t
feel like an overnight decision anymore. It felt too intentional for it to be
one. That sort of sucked.

“
Home sweet home,
”
Ian sang after digging his key out
from inside his pants. The door to our loft swung open and that familiar scent
washed over me. It used to be my favorite smell, the way it wrapped me in a
transparent hug each time I returned home. The combination of the cinnamon roll
flavored candle I purchased last year to cover up Ian
’
s failed attempt at bananas flamb
é
, and our adjacent neighbor
’
s Indian food aroma that seeped in
through the vents, curling into our air that we breathed in and pushed out. It
became a part of us, an ingredient in our very breath, which was probably why
there was a comfort in the scent of it.

But
now I had a new favorite smell. That smell was Leo. I
’
d resolved not to wash any of my
clothes from the trip, and instead would cling to the scent that still lingered
on them for as long as I could. Or at least until he came to join me in the
U.S.

That
was only supposed to be a week. One week from now and we would not only be on
the same continent again, but in the same city. Hopefully in one another
’
s arms. Possibly in each other
’
s beds. A week wouldn
’
t break me. I could do this.

“
You hungry?
”
Ian tossed his duffle bag onto the
couch.

Eva
and her mom left the place spotless. Much cleaner than Ian and I had ever kept
it. All of those dust bunnies had been murdered and there was no sign of dirt
or filth anywhere, no trace of the neglect that had become a part of our
apartment like an extra piece of furniture or artwork hung above the mantle.
The kind that you didn
’
t
even see when you passed by because its familiar existence had become a sort of
background blur.

It
made me feel guilty that they
’
d
only spent a few days here and cleaned up a few years worth of grime that wasn
’
t theirs, but I was grateful to come
home to a pristine apartment. In its own little way, it made the transition
just a bit easier. They
’
d
eliminated some of the unnecessary clutter from my life. The frustrating nag
that constantly chirped in your ear of the responsibilities you disregarded
while living out life. You wouldn
’
t
think that having a clean apartment would do all of that, but it did. It peeled
away the unnecessary so I could focus on the essential.

Like
how to clean up the mess of my heart.

“
Hungry, Jules?
”
Ian asked again.

“
I could eat. What were you thinking?
”
My suitcase joined his on the futon
and I hopped up onto one of the barstools.

“
Chinese?
”

“
After last time?
”
I questioned.

“
You
’
re right. Maybe not.
”
Ian pulled his phone out of his
pocket and swiped the screen.
“
How
about pizza?
”

“
That I can do.
”

Twenty
minutes later and one pretty darn adorable pizza guy was standing on the other
side of our door.

“
Joshua!
”
I reached for the cardboard box with
one hand and swung my other arm around him in an embrace. Our cheeks pressed
together as I asked,
“
How
have you been?
”

“
You mean during the past five days
you
’
ve
been away?
”
When put that way it really sounded short.
“
Pretty decent. Though I did miss this
guy every waking minute.
”
Joshua
’
s
finger flicked toward Ian who was at my back, waiting to sweep his boyfriend
into his own welcoming hug.

“
The feeling was mutual, believe me.
”

I
sidestepped out of their way and gave the two some privacy by heading to the
kitchen to retrieve paper plates and a roll of paper towels. Ian already had a
wine bottle uncorked and three of our Murano glasses filled with a burgundy
colored liquid. Snagging one for myself and two slices of the pineapple and ham
pizza, I flopped down onto the futon and dug in.

As
I munched on a piece, it made me wonder what Leo
’
s favorite kind of pizza was. When we
boiled things down, we really didn
’
t
know much about one another. Things like favorite colors and foods and movies
or songs. But none of that mattered to me. Those were the things that revealed
themselves as time ticked on. They were the daily discoveries you made as you
shared one another
’
s
company. We
’
d
get to that point. We just needed to be together in order for that to happen.

“
So, was the trip all you thought it
would be and more?
”
Joshua sat down immediately at my right, his knee pressing into my crisscrossed
legs that were tucked up underneath my body. He was wearing a navy blue shirt
that had our college logo stamped across the chest and grey sweatpants that
looked not only comfortable, but also remarkably stylish for sweats. Only he
could pull that off.

“
It was.
”

I
could have elaborated, but I honestly didn
’
t
know where to start. A lot happened in that short timeframe. From kissing Leo
’
s ex-fianc
ée
to having a Texas-sized showdown
with his best friend, I had enough fodder to tell stories at our holiday
parties for at least the next five years. Somehow, I knew that wasn
’
t what Joshua was looking for. And
somehow, I didn
’
t
want to share any of that.

“
And? Where
’
s Leo?
”
He swiveled his head like an owl,
like maybe we were hiding him somewhere in our tiny apartment. Oh how fun would
that be? If Leo were tucked away and suddenly jumped out to surprise us like
those strippers that leapt out of cakes. Why hadn
’
t I thought to do that back at his
birthday party? That would have erased Sofia
’
s little topless sunbathing memory
for sure.

But
then I remembered that Leo didn
’
t
even like cake. If I was going to do it right, I
’
d have to pop out of a vat of gelato,
and that just sounded all kinds of sticky and slightly unhygienic. Not to
mention I
’
d
be showering for days to get all of that sugar residue out of my
unmentionables. Kind of like when you went to the beach and found sand in
places where the sun don
’
t
shine a week later. I
’
d
have to do some brainstorming on that one.

“
Leo
’
s in Italy,
”
I answered, finally.
“
He should be back next week.
”
Should
being the operative word. That was the tentative plan.
“
Until then, it
’
s back to the daily grind for me.
”

“
Ah,
”
Joshua nodded.
“
Just in time for finals.
”

“
Yep.
”
Finals
.
That
’
s
what I was here for, wasn
’
t
it? To finish out my college career. To start checking things off of my to-do
list. To get one step closer to my happily ever after.
“
And I
’
m hoping to get back to work. That
is, if the coffee shop will take me back.
”

Ian
sidled up beside us, holding a slice of pepperoni pizza in one hand, his wine
in the other. He wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his gray Henley before
saying,
“
I
’
m sure they will, Love. I bet Cara
and Rick have been floundering without their star barista.
”

I
figured they
’
d
rehire me too, but the only problem was that I didn
’
t feel any less of a flounder than
they probably did. And we were supposed to be running a coffeehouse, not
working at the Shedd Aquarium. But I needed to get back into my old routine if
I was going to stay occupied as I waited out this time of separation. Things
had to be the way they were before, because I didn
’
t want to even think about creating a
new normal unless Leo was going to be part of it.