Eclipse (56 page)

"It's perfect, of course. Exactly right. You're a genius."

She grinned. "I know."

"Nineteen-eighteen?" I guessed.

"More or less," she said, nodding. "Some of it is
my
design, the train, the veil. . . ." She touched the white satin as she spoke. "The lace is vintage. Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful. It's just right for him."

"But is it just right for you?" she insisted.

"Yes, I think it is, Alice. I think it's just what I need. I know you'll do a great job with this . .

. if you can keep yourself in check."

She beamed.

"Can I see your dress?" I asked.

She blinked, her face blank.

"Didn't you order your bridesmaid dress at the same time? I wouldn't want my maid of honor to wear something off the
rack.
" I pretended to wince in horror. She threw her arms around my waist. "Thank you, Bella!"

"How could you not see that one coming?" I teased, kissing her spiky hair. "Some psychic you are!"

Alice danced back, and her face was bright with fresh enthusiasm. "I've got so much to do!

Go play with Edward. I have to get to work."

She dashed out of the room, yelling, "Esme!" as she disappeared. I followed at my own pace. Edward was waiting for me in the hallway, leaning against the wood-paneled wall.

"That was very, very nice of you," he told me.

"She seems happy," I agreed.

He touched my face; his eyes - too dark, it had been so long since he'd left me - searched my expression minutely.

"Let's get out of here," he suddenly suggested. "Let's go to our meadow." It sounded very appealing. "I guess I don't have to hide out anymore, do I?"

"No. The danger is behind us."

He was quiet, thoughtful, as he ran. The wind blew on my face, warmer now that the storm had really passed. The clouds covered the sky, the way they usually did. The meadow was a peaceful, happy place today. Patches of summer daisies interrupted the grass with splashes of white and yellow. I lay back, ignoring the slight dampness of the ground, and looked for pictures in the clouds. They were too even, too smooth. No pictures, just a soft, gray blanket.

Edward lay next to me and held my hand.

"August thirteenth?" he asked casually after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

"That gives me a month till my birthday. I didn't want to cut it too close." He sighed. "Esme is three years older than Carlisle - technically. Did you know that?" I shook my head.

"It hasn't made any difference to them."

My voice was serene, a counterpoint to his anxiety. "My age is not really that important. Edward, I'm ready. I've chosen my life - now I want to start living it." He stroked my hair. "The guest list veto?"

"I don't care really, but I . . ." I hesitated, not wanting to explain this one. Best to get it over with. "I'm not sure if Alice would feel the need to invite . . . a few werewolves. I don't know if . . . Jake would feel like . . . like he
should
come. Like that's the right thing to do, or that I'd get my feelings hurt if he didn't. He shouldn't have to go through that." Edward was quiet for a minute. I stared at the tips of the treetops, almost black against the light gray of the sky.

Suddenly, Edward grabbed me around the waist and pulled me onto his chest.

"Tell me why you're doing this, Bella. Why did you decide, now, to give Alice free reign?" I repeated for him the conversation I had with Charlie last night before I'd gone to see Jacob.

"It wouldn't be fair to keep Charlie out of this," I concluded. "And that means Renée and Phil. I might as well let Alice have her fun, too. Maybe it will make the whole thing easier for Charlie if he gets his proper goodbye. Even if he thinks it's much too early, I wouldn't want to cheat him out of the chance to walk me down the aisle." I grimaced at the words, then took another deep breath. "At least my mom and dad and my friends will know the best part of my choice, the most I'm allowed to tell them. They'll know I chose you, and they'll know we're together. They'll know I'm happy, wherever I am. I think that's the best I can do for them."

Edward held my face, searching it for a brief time.

"Deal's off," he said abruptly.

"
What?
" I gasped. "You're backing out? No!"

"I'm not backing out, Bella. I'll still keep my side of the bargain. But you're off the hook. Whatever you want, no strings attached."

"Why?"

"Bella, I see what you're doing. You're trying to make everyone else happy. And I don't care about anyone else's feelings. I only need
you
to be happy. Don't worry about breaking the news to Alice. I'll take care of it. I promise she won't make you feel guilty."

"But I -"

"No. We're doing this your way. Because my way doesn't work. I call you stubborn, but look at what
I've
done. I've clung with such idiotic obstinacy to my idea of what's best for you, though it's only hurt you. Hurt you so deeply, time and time again. I don't trust myself anymore. You can have happiness your way. My way is always wrong. So." He shifted under me, squaring his shoulders. "We're doing it
your way,
Bella. Tonight. Today. The sooner the better. I'll speak to Carlisle. I was thinking that maybe if we gave you enough morphine, it wouldn't be so bad. It's worth a try." He gritted his teeth.

"Edward, no -"

He put his finger to my lips. "Don't worry, Bella, love. I haven't forgotten the rest of your demands."

His hands were in my hair, his lips moving softly - but very seriously - against mine, before I realized what he was saying. What he was doing.

There wasn't much time to act. If I waited too long, I wouldn't be able to remember why I needed to stop him. Already, I couldn't breathe right. My hands were gripping his arms, pulling myself tighter to him, my mouth glued to his and answering every unspoken question his asked.

I tried to clear my head, to find a way to speak.

He rolled gently, pressing me into the cool grass.

Oh, never mind!
my less noble side exulted. My head was full of the sweetness of his breath.
No, no, no,
I argued with myself. I shook my head, and his mouth moved to my neck, giving me a chance to breathe.

"Stop, Edward. Wait." My voice was as weak as my will.

"Why?" he whispered into the hollow of my throat.

I labored to put some resolve into my tone. "I don't want to do this now."

"Don't you?" he asked, a smile in his voice. He moved his lips back to mine and made speaking impossible. Heat coursed through my veins, burning where my skin touched his. I made myself focus. It took a great deal of effort just to force my hands to free themselves from his hair, to move them to his chest. But I did it. And then I shoved against him, trying to push him away. I could not succeed alone, but he responded as I knew he would. He pulled back a few inches to look at me, and his eyes did nothing to help my resolve. They were black fire. They smoldered.

"Why?" he asked again, his voice low and rough. "I love you. I want you. Right now." The butterflies in my stomach flooded my throat. He took advantage of my speechlessness.

"Wait, wait," I tried to say around his lips.

"Not for me," he murmured in disagreement.

"
Please?
" I gasped.

He groaned, and pushed himself away from me, rolling onto his back again. We both lay there for a minute, trying to slow our breathing.

"Tell me why not, Bella," he demanded. "This had better not be about me." Everything in my world was about him. What a silly thing to expect.

"Edward, this is very important to me. I
am
going to do this right."

"Who's definition of right?"

"Mine."

He rolled onto his elbow and stared at me, his expression disapproving.

"
How
are you going to do this right?"

I took a deep breath. "Responsibly. Everything in the right order. I will not leave Charlie and Renée without the best resolution I can give them. I won't deny Alice her fun, if I'm having a wedding anyway. And I
will
tie myself to you in every human way, before I ask you to make me immortal. I'm following all the rules, Edward. Your soul is far, far too important to me to take chances with. You're not going to budge me on this."

"I'll bet I
could,
" he murmured, his eyes burning again.

"But you wouldn't," I said, trying to keep my voice level. "Not knowing that this is what I really need."

"You don't fight fair," he accused.

I grinned at him. "Never said I did."

He smiled back, wistful. "If you change your mind . . ."

"You'll be the first to know," I promised.

The rain started to drip through the clouds just then, a few scattered drops that made faint
thuds
as they struck the grass.

I glowered at the sky.

"I'll get you home." He brushed the tiny beads of water from my cheeks.

"Rain's not the problem," I grumbled. "It just means that it's time to go do something that will be very unpleasant and possibly even highly dangerous."

His eyes widened in alarm.

"It's a good thing you're bulletproof." I sighed. "I'm going to need that ring. It's time to tell Charlie."

He laughed at the expression on my face. "Highly dangerous," he agreed. He laughed again and then reached into the pocket of his jeans. "But as least there's no need for a side trip." He once again slid my ring into place on the third finger of my left hand. Where it would stay - conceivably for the rest of eternity.

"Jacob, do you think this is going to take too much longer?" Leah demanded. Impatient. Whiney.

My teeth clenched together.

Like anyone in the pack, Leah knew everything. She knew why I came here - to the very edge of the earth and sky and sea. To be alone. She knew that this was all I wanted. Just to be alone.

But Leah was going to force her company on me, anyway.

Besides being crazy annoyed, I did feel smug for a brief second. Because I didn't even have to think about controlling my temper. It was easy now, something I just did, natural. The red haze didn't wash over my eyes. The heat didn't shiver down my spine. My voice was calm when I answered.

"Jump off a cliff, Leah." I pointed to the one at my feet.

"Really, kid." She ignored me, throwing herself into a sprawl on the ground next to me. "You have no idea how hard this is for me."

"For
you
?" It took me a minute to believe she was serious. "You have to be the most self-absorbed person alive, Leah. I'd hate to shatter the dream world you live in - the one where the sun is orbiting the place where you stand - so I won't tell you how little I care what your problem is.
Go. Away.
"

"Just look at this from my perspective for a minute, okay?" she continued as if I hadn't said anything.

If she was trying to break my mood, it worked. I started laughing. The sound hurt in strange ways.

"Stop snorting and pay attention," she snapped.

"If I pretend to listen, will you leave?" I asked, glancing over at the permanent scowl on her face. I wasn't sure if she had any other expressions anymore.

I remembered back to when I used to think that Leah was pretty, maybe even beautiful. That was a long time ago. No one thought of her that way now. Except for Sam. He was never going to forgive himself. Like it was his fault that she'd turned into this bitter harpy. Her scowl heated up, as if she could guess what I was thinking. Probably could.

"This is making me sick, Jacob. Can you imagine what this feels like to
me
? I don't even
like
Bella Swan. And you've got me grieving over this leech-lover like I'm in love with her, too. Can you see where that might be a little confusing? I dreamed about kissing her last night!

What the hell am I supposed to do with
that
?"

"Do I care?"

"I can't stand being in your head anymore! Get over her already! She's going to
marry
that thing. He's going to try to change her into one of them! Time to move on, boy."

"Shut
up,
" I growled.

It would be wrong to strike back. I knew that. I was biting my tongue. But she'd be sorry if she didn't walk away. Now.

"He'll probably just kill her anyway," Leah said. Sneering. "All the stories say that happens more often than not. Maybe a funeral will be better closure than a wedding. Ha." This time I had to work. I closed my eyes and fought the hot taste in my mouth. I pushed and shoved against the slide of fire down my back, wrestling to keep my shape together while my body tried to shake apart.

When I was in control again, I glowered at her. She was watching my hands as the tremors slowed. Smiling.

Some joke.

"If you're upset about gender confusion, Leah . . . ," I said. Slow, emphasizing each word.

"How do you think the rest of us like looking at Sam through your eyes? It's bad enough that Emily has to deal with
your
fixation. She doesn't need us guys panting after him, too." Pissed as I was, I still felt guilty when I watched the spasm of pain shoot across her face. She scrambled to her feet - pausing only to spit in my direction - and ran for the trees, vibrating like a tuning fork.

I laughed darkly. "You missed."

Sam was going to give me hell for that, but it was worth it. Leah wouldn't bug me anymore. And I'd do it again if I had the chance.

Because her words were still there, scratching themselves into my brain, the pain of it so strong that I could hardly breathe.

It didn't matter so much that Bella'd chosen someone else over me. That agony was nothing at all. That agony I could live with for the rest of my stupid, too long, stretched-out life. But it did matter that she was giving up everything - that she was letting her heart stop and her skin ice over and her mind twist into some crystallized predator's head. A monster. A stranger.

I would have thought there was nothing worse than that, nothing more painful in the whole world.

But, if he
killed
her . . .

Again, I had to fight the rage. Maybe, if not for Leah, it would be good to let the heat change me into a creature who could deal with it better. A creature with instincts so much stronger than human emotions. An animal who couldn't feel pain in the same way. A different pain. Some variety, at least. But Leah was running now, and I didn't want to share her thoughts. I cussed her under my breath for taking away that escape, too.

My hands were shaking in spite of me. What shook them? Anger? Agony? I wasn't sure what I was fighting now.

I had to believe that Bella would survive. But that required trust - a trust I didn't want to feel, a trust in that bloodsucker's ability to keep her alive.

She would be different, and I wondered how that would affect me. Would it be the same as if she had died, to see her standing there like a stone? Like ice? When her scent burned in my nostrils and triggered the instinct to rip, to tear . . . How would that be? Could I want to kill
her
? Could I not want to kill one of
them
?

I watched the swells roll toward the beach. They disappeared from sight under the edge of the cliff, but I heard them beat against the sand. I watched them until it was late, long after dark.

Going home was probably a bad idea. But I was hungry, and I couldn't think of another plan. I made a face as I pulled my arm through the retarded sling and grabbed my crutches. If only Charlie hadn't seen me that day and spread the word of my "motorcycle accident." Stupid props. I hated them.

Going hungry started to look better when I walked in the house and got a look at my dad's face. He had something on his mind. It was easy to tell - he always overdid it. Acted all casual.

He also talked too much. He was rambling about his day before I could get to the table. He never jabbered like this unless there was something that he didn't want to say. I ignored him as best I could, concentrating on the food. The faster I choked it down . . .

". . . and Sue stopped by today." My dad's voice was loud. Hard to ignore. As always.

"Amazing woman. She's tougher than grizzlies, that one. I don't know how she deals with that daughter of hers, though. Now Sue, she would have made one hell of a wolf. Leah's more of a wolverine." He chuckled at his own joke.

He waited briefly for my response, but didn't seem to see my blank, bored-out-of-my-mind expression. Most days that bugged him. I wished he would shut up about Leah. I was trying not to think about her.

"Seth's a lot easier. Of course, you were easier than your sisters, too, until . . . well, you have more to deal with than they did."

I sighed, long and deep, and stared out the window.

Billy was quiet for a second too long. "We got a letter today." I could tell that this was the subject he'd been avoiding.

"A letter?"

"A . . . wedding invitation."

Every muscle in my body locked into place. A feather of heat seemed to brush down my back. I held onto the table to keep my hands steady.

Billy went on like he hadn't noticed. "There's a note inside that's addressed to you. I didn't read it."

He pulled a thick ivory envelope from where it was wedged between his leg and the side of his wheelchair. He laid it on the table between us.

"You probably don't need to read it. Doesn't really matter what it says." Stupid reverse psychology. I yanked the envelope off the table.

It was some heavy, stiff paper. Expensive. Too fancy for Forks. The card inside was the same, too done-up and formal. Bella'd had nothing to do with this. There was no sign of her personal taste in the layers of see-through, petal-printed pages. I'd bet she didn't like it at all. I didn't read the words, not even to see the date. I didn't care.

There was a piece of the thick ivory paper folded in half with my name handwritten in black ink on the back. I didn't recognize the handwriting, but it was as fancy as the rest of it. For half a second, I wondered if the bloodsucker was into gloating.

I flipped it open.

Jacob,

I'm breaking the rules by sending you this. She was afraid of hurting you, and she didn't want to make you feel obligated in any way. But I know that, if things had gone the other way, I would have wanted the choice.

I promise I will take care of her, Jacob. Thank you - for her - for everything. Edward

"Jake, we only have the one table," Billy said. He was staring at my left hand. My fingers were clamped down on the wood hard enough that it really was in danger. I loosened them one by one, concentrating on that action alone, and then clenched my hands together so I couldn't break anything.

"Yeah, doesn't matter anyway," Billy muttered.

I got up from the table, shrugging out of my t-shirt as I stood. Hopefully Leah had gone home by now.

"Not too late," Billy mumbled as I punched the front door out of my way. I was running before I hit the trees, my clothes strewn out behind me like a trail of crumbs - as if I wanted to find my way back. It was almost too easy now to phase. I didn't have to think. My body already knew where I was going and, before I asked it to, it gave me what I wanted.

I had four legs now, and I was flying.

The trees blurred into a sea of black flowing around me. My muscles bunched and released in an effortless rhythm. I could run like this for days and I would not be tired. Maybe, this time, I wouldn't stop.

But I wasn't alone.

So sorry,
Embry whispered in my head.

I could see through his eyes. He was far away, to the north, but he had wheeled around and was racing to join me. I growled and pushed myself faster.

Wait for us,
Quil complained. He was closer, just starting out from the village.
Leave me alone,
I snarled.

I could feel their worry in my head, try hard as I might to drown it in the sound of the wind and the forest. This was what I hated most - seeing myself through their eyes, worse now that their eyes were full of pity. They saw the hate, but they kept running after me. A new voice sounded in my head.

Let him go.
Sam's thought was soft, but still an order. Embry and Quil slowed to a walk. If only I could stop hearing, stop seeing what they saw. My head was so crowded, but the only way to be alone again was to be human, and I couldn't stand the pain.
Phase back,
Sam directed them.
I'll pick you up, Embry.

First one, then another awareness faded into silence. Only Sam was left.
Thank you,
I managed to think.

Come home when you can.
The words were faint, trailing off into blank emptiness as he left, too. And I was alone.

So much better. Now I could hear the faint rustle of the matted leaves beneath my toenails, the whisper of an owl's wings above me, the ocean - far, far in the west - moaning against the beach. Hear this, and nothing more. Feel nothing but speed, nothing but the pull of muscle, sinew, and bone, working together in harmony as the miles disappeared behind me. If the silence in my head lasted, I would never go back. I wouldn't be the first one to choose this form over the other. Maybe, if I ran far enough away, I would never have to hear again. .

. .

I pushed my legs faster, letting Jacob Black disappear behind me.

Acknowledgments

I would be very remiss if I did not thank the many people who helped me survive the birthing of another novel:

My parents have been my rock; I don't know how anyone does this without a dad's good advice and a mom's shoulder to cry on.

My husband and sons have been incredibly long-suffering-anyone else would have had me committed to an asylum long ago. Thanks for keeping me around, guys.

My Elizabeth-Elizabeth Eulberg, publicist extraordinaire-has made all the difference to my sanity both on and off the road. Few people are lucky enough to work so closely with their BFF, and I am eternally grateful for the wholesomeness of cheese-loving Midwestern girls. Jodi Reamer continues to guide my career with genius and finesse. It is very comforting to know that I am in such good hands.

It is also wonderful to have my manuscripts in the right hands. Thanks to Rebecca Davis for being so in tune with the story in my head and helping me find the best ways to express it. Thanks to Megan Tingley, first for your unwavering faith in my work, and second for polishing that work until it shines.

Everyone at Little, Brown and Company Books for Young Readers has taken such amazing care of my creations. I can tell it is a true labor of love for you all, and I appreciate it more than you know. Thank you Chris Murphy, Shawn Foster, Andrew Smith, Stephanie Voros, Gail Doobinin, Tina McIntyre, Ames O'Neill, and the many others who have made the Twilight series a success.

I can't believe how lucky I was to discover Lori Joffs, who somehow manages to be both the fastest and the most meticulous reader at the same time. I am thrilled to have a friend and accomplice who is so insightful, talented, and patient with my whining.

Lori Joffs again, along with Laura Cristiano, Michaela Child, and Ted Joffs, for creating and maintaining the brightest star in the Twilight online universe, the Twilight Lexicon. I truly appreciate all the hard work you put into providing a happy place for my fans to hang out. Thanks also to my international friends at Crepusculo-es.com for a site so amazing it transcends the language barrier. Kudos as well to Brittany Gardener's fabulous work on the Twilight and New Moon by Stephenie Meyer MySpace Group, a fan site so large that the idea of keeping track of it boggles my mind; Brittany, you amaze me.