Edge of Recovery (Love on the Edge) (14 page)

“
N
o shit
?” I blurted out the question before I could stop myself.

The D.A. chuckled and darted her eyes to Mr. Greenbow—of
Greenbow Resort Rehabilitation Clinic.

“No shit,” the old man who reminded me of
the Dude
said. “I think it’s a fair deal, don’t you?”

I shook my head, my mouth gaping open like a fish on land. “Absolutely.”

“So you’re interested in the job then?” The D.A. asked. “You do understand that not only will you answer to Mr. Greenbow? You’ll also check in with me if you have any future findings worth discussing?”

I nodded. “Yes, Ma’am.”

“Good,” she said. “I think you’re exactly what this place needs.”

“I agree,” said Mr. Greenbow, leaning against the desk in his massive office on the top floor of the facility. “I had no idea there were such massive inconsistencies in our program, and I take full responsibility for Dr. Newfold.” He shook his head. “I’ve known him since he was a patient here. Before he got clean and got his Ph.D. I never once suspected…” he shoved off his desk and crossed his arms as he gazed out his floor to ceiling window overlooking the grounds. “Setting the weaknesses aside, Justin, I’d want you to act as kind of an in-house sponsor as well. Work closely with those who don’t have anyone assigned to them yet.”

“All right,” I said, unable to deny the man anything.

His offer of a position had saved me at least six years in prison.
Six years
I wouldn’t be able to speak to Charlie face to face, because even if she did find it in her heart to forgive me, I wouldn’t let her anywhere near that place. He saved me without knowing me, and that simple act made me understand why he ran this place…why his clinic was known all over the U.S. This man, he was a decent and genuinely good human being, the definition of hope. And that is what people like me—people who teetered on the edge of darkness—needed to come back to the light.

“I’ll leave you two to it then,” The D.A. said, shaking my hand and pulling me out of myself. “You did good, Justin. Stay clean, will you? I’d hate to feel like an asshole over setting this up.”

I laughed. “Deal. And, Devlin? His crew?”

“All apprehended and accounted for. They won’t see the light of day for at least twenty years, not with the backlog of records they have. The guards under Devlin’s payroll have been arrested too. You were the key to bringing down two inside operations, which is one of the reasons why I’ve gone out on a limb for you. Please don’t make me regret it.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” I said as she walked out of the door.

Mr. Greenbow sank back into his chair, a heavy sigh on his lips.

“Sir?”

“Yes?”

“I know I’m not in the position to ask for anything, but I can’t keep this to myself.”

“All right, son, out with it.”

“Does my working here, for the facility…will I be prohibited from being romantic with another employee?”

His salt and pepper eyebrows rose on his head. “If it did would you turn the offer down?”

I shifted my weight, the idea of working so close to Charlie—free from the sponsor professional line between us—and not even having the chance to be with her made my chest ache.

“Wow,” he said before I could answer. “You must really be in love with her.”

I gave him one firm nod. “I am. She was my sponsor”

He hissed through his teeth.

“But no longer. Thomas was reassigning me one before…”

“Right.” He rubbed his palms over his face. “We’ll work on that. And no, son, I’m not going to tell you who you can and can’t love…just, keep it off the property, yeah? Or at least, not where anyone can walk in on you?”

I chuckled. “Of course.”

“Now, besides my weakness in security and apparently, judging certain characters, what do you think my clinic needs?”

I walked to his window, gazing out over the massive grounds which had never seemed so exciting as they did now with this new freedom and outlook on my heart. I glanced over my shoulder at him, cocking an eyebrow.

“More jet skis.”

* * *

C
onner’s funeral
was small in numbers—his mother, brother, and a few distant relatives had shown up in black, same as me.

I shook his brother’s hand without saying anything, reading the grief and pain in his eyes as easily as I would’ve Conner’s. They were the same shade of hazel, though Connell’s black hair half covered them. I honestly didn’t know what to say to the man, even if I had the nerve to speak. He’d seen Conner the day he died, just as I had, and neither one of us had been able to save him. That kind of shit ate away at you, if you let it but knowing I put the man who supplied the weapon that killed him behind bars, I was able to push past the blame and merely feel the hurt.

And it did
hurt.
Like hell. It was as though I was burying my own brother, and in a way I was. Conner had meant more to me than any friend I ever had, and now, well, no one would ever replace him.

The empty chair next to me filled with the scent of strawberries and my heart skipped a beat. I dared a glance to the right, my body sighing at the sight of her.

Black leggings, long black top, and midnight-blue hair.

“Charlie,” I whispered.

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t see you sooner,” she said, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. “That day…I’d went to stay with my sister. I couldn’t go back to the house after…” she sighed. “She lives in Kansas. I got back as soon as I could.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “I’m just glad you’re here now.” Every piece of my soul screamed out to touch her but I remained still. I had betrayed her and she owed me nothing.

“What happened after?” She asked as the preacher took the podium next to Conner’s opened casket. I disagreed with the choice of suit his mother had picked out, only because he’d told me once he’d like to die in his ACDC shirt. The memory made me smile and ache all at the same time.

“I’ll tell you everything after…”

She nodded, and we hushed into silence as the preacher started to read from Roman’s.

I’d never lost anyone before. No one I’d loved had ever stuck around long enough—besides Blake—for me to lose. This was a new sensation, the loss, the disbelief that he was really gone despite seeing him lowered into the ground, knowing I couldn’t tell him what happened next even though my brain kept telling me too.

When it was our turn, Charlie stood next to me as we paid our respects to Conner. I wanted to place in his hand the fresh pack of smokes I’d purchased before the ceremony, but I didn’t think anyone outside of us would understand. I hoped the thought alone would be enough to make him laugh at me paying him back way too late for all the ones I’d bummed.

Charlie and I walked to the car after he was buried, a weight on both our shoulders.

“You still want to know?” I finally asked as she leaned against her driver’s side door.

“Yes.”

So I told her everything, about Thomas, about the D.A., about finding Conner and not being able to do a damn thing about it.

Tears rolled down her cheeks, but she swiped them away. “I wish I would’ve known. Maybe I could’ve stopped Thomas earlier if I could’ve read him like I read you.”

I shook my head. “You can’t play that game, trust me. The blame, the guilt, just…don’t. If there was something we could’ve done, we would have.”

She nodded. “And you really were prepared to go to prison? To keep me…keep us safe?”

“In a heartbeat. I’d do anything for you, Charlie. I may have lied about getting out the first time, but telling you I loved you?” I stepped closer to her. “That was the truest thing I’ve ever said in my life.” I reached out and barely grazed my fingers over her cheek, sighing when she didn’t flinch from my touch. “I know I’m still on the edge of recovery. I know I have eons to go before I’m sorted out…if I ever will be, but…do you think we could start over? Live in a world where because you’re not my sponsor anymore we get a reset?”

She licked her perfectly pink lips and smiled, igniting a wicked rhythm in my heart. “Yeah.” She chuckled. “I think out of all the fucked and twisted things in my world, you’re the one thing I want to hold on to.”

I cocked an eyebrow at her. “Are you saying
I’m
fucked and twisted?”

She nodded, a mischievous glint underneath the tears in her eyes. She leaned into my hand, and I gently pulled her to me, claiming her mouth in a soft kiss that quickly turned starved. I breathed in her scent, devoured the sweet taste of her tongue, and relished every single one of her gasps. I kissed her like I’d never get to again but prayed I’d get to each day for the rest of forever.

Jerking out of my kiss she gripped the sides of my jacket. “One condition,” she said, her eyes slits.

“Anything.”

“You ever think about lying to me again?” She bit my bottom lip so hard she broke skin. “I’ll pull out my little pink gun and shoot you in the ass.”

I laughed, wrapping my arms around her hips to hoist her up to my eye level. “Promise to wear the kimono while you do it?”

She lightly smacked my chest. “Asshole.”

I crushed my lips against hers, stealing her breath like it was the only oxygen I’d ever get again. “Yeah,” I said, looking into her hooded green eyes. “But you love me anyway, don’t you? Broken pieces and all?”

My heart stalled as I waited for her answer, needing to know if I was the only one crazy enough to have fallen.

“Everything I’ve ever loved has been jagged. No wonder I fell for you.”

I claimed her mouth again, gripping her to me so hard I could feel every soft plane of her body. She was everything I never knew I wanted, and more than what I needed. I’d thought addiction was a force to be reckoned with, but nothing could compare to the way Charlie made me feel.

She loved me, unbelievably, for exactly who I was, and yet, I wanted to be so much more for her. The perfect combination of sexy and dangerous and crazy and calming, the woman had me pegged the second she met me.

I never stood a chance at a normal life, at a
good
life…

Until she came into my world and woke me the fuck up.

“
H
i
, my name is Justin. I’m an alcoholic but have been clean for six months now.”

A slow succession of claps circled the group surrounding me—some new faces and some old.

I shifted the clipboard in my lap that listed each of their names. “Every day is a fight against the cravings that hold me like a choker collar, but I push through because there are wonderful things,
beautiful
things, worth fighting for.” The image of Charlie filled my mind, freshly showered and wrapped in nothing but a towel in the house we’d just closed on a week ago. We’d had to buy it in a rush…we needed the room.

“I’m going to be a father, a husband. That’s what keeps me from the bottle, but it doesn’t have to be that big.” I couldn’t contain the smile that spread across my lips every time I said
father.
She was only two months in and it was a fucking surprise but what hadn’t been in our lives? “A friendship, a pet, a fucking favorite TV show…damn, anything that makes you
feel
something other than the craving…
that’s
what you hold on to.”

I made eye contact with each person, noting the ones who looked exactly like I had when I first started the program—pissed off and bored. It was hard not to think about how when I’d been in their seats, Thomas had been in mine. The hate had dulled over time, but it was still there, right alongside every other emotion I had to keep in check. I’d been learning more and more—during my night courses toward earning my counselor’s certification—about the trouble I had when it came to filtering them, containing them, working through them. Especially when it came to anger, though that had cooled the longer I’d been sober, and, the longer I’d been with Charlie.

I’d never seen myself in this life—running a group session, offering personal ones, being a sponsor, traveling to other rehab clinics to help them find the loopholes dealers used to get drugs inside their facilities—and I’m fucking glad I never did. If it had been a goal of mine, it would never had happened. That is just how I operated. I needed the push, the pain, and every single instance of hurt in my life had led me to this spot, and I knew it was where I was meant to be. I had a kind of happiness I didn’t know exist, even my aunt and I had formed a relationship over the past six months—my gratitude over her choice in rehab facility, over her ultimatum that inadvertently led me to Charlie, overwhelmed my heart. There would never be enough ways to thank her for that alone, and we were working out all the other shit as we went along.

Being able to look back on the darkness in my past and not cringe but rather use it to help other people in similar situations was the best possible way I knew to atone for it. And I did, every single day. And who could’ve fucking guessed I’d be happy to come to work?

“So,” I said, setting the clipboard on the floor and folding my hands together. “Anyone want to share their story?”