Embracing You, Embracing Me (14 page)

“Those are only a few of the minor points.
The main one for me right now is I that I feel like I am no longer doing it for
myself. The first time I mentioned the idea of quitting I was only half serious
at the time and just kind of threw it out there to test the waters. My mom came
unglued. She started yelling and saying that I couldn’t quit after everything
that they had done to support me. The commitment of driving me back and forth
five sometimes six days a week costs time and money.

“Then she said she needed me to keep
dancing and to be successful because I was her ticket out of here. I couldn’t
believe it. I felt like I was punched in the stomach. My mom was counting on me
to make something of myself, not for me, but for her. She wants someone to save
her and she wants that someone to be me. None of the men in her life had ever saved
her so now it’s up to me.”

Gabriel sat there stunned. “That is a lot
of pressure to put on a seventeen-year-old.” He tilted my chin with his finger.
“It’s not your responsibility to rescue anyone Roshell, least of all your
mother. I like her just fine. She can be sweet, but it’s obvious that she gave
up on her life long ago and it’s not fair of her to live vicariously through
you.

I have seen the way you take care of her.
Not the other way around. Sometimes it’s as if you two have reversed roles and
she is the child, the way she sits on the couch and lets life pass her by. I
also know that she talks to you about her personal problems as if you are her
shrink rather than her daughter and has you thinking about burdens that most
other girls your age don’t have to worry about.”

I had never had anyone speak so honestly
before, especially about such private things. I felt relieved to have someone
not only listening but giving me permission to let go of some of the weight of
those burdens. A lump rose in my throat as unwelcome emotion welled up and
threatened to spill over.

GABRIEL:
I could see the tears filling her eyes as she bit her lip in an
effort to keep it from quivering; it damn near broke my heart. Reaching out, I
wrapped myself around her as if to enclose her in a little bubble and protect
her from the world.

I welcomed the embrace. After I fought off
the initial wave of emotion and felt that I could speak without crying, I said,
“I love my mom very much. I just wish that I felt like she was someone that I
could lean on, not that I always have to be strong for her. And now when I
think about dancing, my heart just isn’t in it. It feels somehow tainted. I
can’t keep dancing with that responsibility hanging over my head.”

I felt lighter, and relaxed into him as if
in that moment I had finally let go. I was glad that I had opened up to him. I
tilted my face to invite him in and gave him a soft kiss. He was letting me
take the lead, and I sank into the comfort that he was offering. We held on for
another few lingering moments before finally we said goodnight.

It was a mild, sunny June morning, on the
day of Gabriel’s graduation. I was filled with excitement as I knew how
ecstatic he was to be reaching this crossroads in his life. He had said to me
that he still wasn’t sure exactly what he was going to do as far as a career
went, so he reckoned he would hold onto his job at the grocery until he figured
it out.

Hopefully, by next fall, as everyone else
filtered back to school, the reality that he was out of high school would
finally sink in and allow him to focus more clearly on future objectives. But
for now all he could focus on was moving past this stage of his life and
enjoying a carefree summer before he had to face adulthood.

I listened to him talk about the many
post-graduation possibilities and found myself sharing in some of his anxieties
and trepidations even though I still had another year before my own graduation.

It was the night of the senior party.
Gabriel and Darren had initiated and planned a huge get together up at the
lake. After graduation was over he would spend a few hours with his family at
the little gathering that his mom and dad had organized, then he would head up
to the upper lake at Fall Creek where there was a ‘seniors only’ party.

I had watched with amusement as he and
Darren bantered back and forth discussing the many pros and cons to having
people other than their fellow seniors invited. Gabriel coaxed and persuaded,
trying to convince Darren that they should open up the invitation to others,
with the idea of inviting me, but Darren had been staunch at sticking with the
annual tradition of the party remaining exclusive to seniors. Darren’s mind was
clearly set. Gabriel let the argument go and agreed that it did keep the party
small and therefore kept them off the cop radar.

It really didn’t matter to me either way.
Neither Darren nor Gabriel planned to stay at the party too late anyway.
Amber’s mom was out of town again at a retreat for the dental office that she
worked for, and I would be keeping Amber company all weekend.

The plan was that the guys would enjoy
their senior party for a couple of hours with their classmates and then head
down the mountain to join us once they’d had their fun.

I was relieved when Gabriel agreed to be
designated driver and expected him to show up at Amber’s around midnight.

By the time one-thirty in the morning
rolled around and the boys had yet to show, I gave up, heading to bed, feeling
quite dejected and sorry for myself.

Not long after, I heard the rumble of his
Mustang as it crept up the gravel driveway. My heart sped up.

As they pulled up, Amber’s dogs began to
bark, their furious yelps echoing off of the walls, piercing the silence of the
night.

Instead of leaping out of bed to greet
them, I remained very quiet and waited, straining to hear their approach. I
listened as Gabriel put the car into park and saw the night go darker as he
shut off his headlights. I squirmed farther under the covers, quivering in
anticipation.

The June night was warm and humid and I had
left the window wide open allowing the muted sounds of the guests to filter in.
 

I heard Amber’s soft footsteps step out
through the front door and onto the porch as she spoke in a loud whisper. “We
were having a movie marathon and fell asleep in the middle of ‘Dirty Dancing.’
Both of us called it quits about twenty minutes ago and went to bed. Roshell is
in the guest room. She might still be awake if you want to check on her. She
was pouting when you two hadn’t shown your faces yet, so she would probably be
really mad if she found out you came by and didn’t even say hi.”

I imagined the scene, listening to their
dialog, Darren standing on the step just below Amber so that they were eye to
eye. “Did you pout too?” he inquired flirtatiously.

“Maybe a little,” she crooned. They were
such a cute couple.

Then the sound of heavy footsteps drawing
closer toward the guest room, and my heart rate quickened again. Gabriel was
just on the other side of my door, in the hallway.

The door was opened just a crack and the
hall light streamed in allowing just enough light to show me lying there with
my back facing him. He would see me and have to decide if he would enter and
disturb my sleep or if he would simply walk away and let me be. Still I waited.
I wanted to see if I could literally will him toward me.

My breath came in short, shallow wisps and
I could almost sense him quietly debating his options.

I couldn’t take it. Patience had always
been a trait that consistently escaped me and I made the decision for him.
Rolling over, my hair disheveled, I peered over my shoulder and gave him a
sleepy greeting, “Hey, you.”

“Hey, Princess,” he said. “Sorry we are so
late. I was designated driver and had to drop off some of my seriously drunk
friends at their home before we swung by.” His voice was soft and hesitant as
he walked over and sat on the foot of the bed.

I turned on to my back and examined his
face in the filtered light. He sat at the far end of the bed and looked like he
was trying to avoid getting too close. In fact, he looked slightly uncomfortable.
I had never seen him look nervous before.

I smiled, the revelation that he might
actually be shy at the idea of being alone with me was titillating. The realization
gave me a slight rush of power. I wanted to explore that feeling further. It
was intoxicating. His discomfort actually allowed me to shed some of my own
shyness and inhibitions. We were switching roles and it was… engaging, to say
the least.

I threw back the covers and padded on my
bare feet out the door and down the hall to the rest room.

I resisted the urge to look back and watch
his facial expression as I walked out. I knew that my night-wear of a simple
t-shirt over bikini panties would be hard for a guy to resist staring at. It
was completely unfair play and I knew it.

GABRIEL:
As she sauntered out the door I noticed her trim, muscular legs as
the shirt she was wearing barely skimmed the tops of her thighs. I felt my body
tense. I was tired and hadn’t thought about what she was or wasn’t wearing and
was shocked to see her so near undress and equally shocked at how nonchalant
she was about it. It was totally unlike her and I felt a little off kilter. I
must have been more tired than I realized.

When I re-entered the room he looked
settled but had a hard time keeping his gaze off of my legs. Thank goodness I
had shaved that morning!

Instead of climbing back under the covers,
I leapt up on the bed and knelt directly in front of him. I leant over and gave
him a quick kiss on the mouth then sat back on my heels. I couldn’t contain my
smile. He looked off balance, unsure of me or maybe himself.

Yep, he is definitely nervous right now
, I thought with amazement. It had always bothered me that in most aspects
of my life I had an assertiveness that pushed the envelope, but with him I had
always felt unsure and allowed him to make all the first moves. Finally, I was
finding my footing and felt a new strength within to regain some of that
bravado.

“You’re lips are so cold,” I said.

Gabriel tried to stay focused, “Umm, yeah,
I was freezing my balls off out there. Everyone else had tequila flowing
through their systems and was staying warm. Not to mention the heater in my
‘stang is going out, so it wasn’t exactly helpful.”

I reached out and began to rub his icy
hands between mine. “Come on. Climb under the covers with me, I will warm you
up.”

The statement was thick with innuendo but I
decided to let him wonder about that and work it out for himself.

Gabriel hesitated a moment before slipping
out of his letterman jacket and tossing it to the floor.

“You can’t sleep in jeans silly,” I teased.
“You have boxers on under those, right?”

Gabriel nodded.

“Well then, take off that cold denim before
you freeze us both.” And with that I crawled to the wall side of the bed, and
burrowed down under the thick comforter.

Once he had stripped down to his boxers, he
slid in next to me. We were silent for a few minutes as we got used to the intimacy
of sharing the same bed.

I curled into him resting my cheek on his
broad, bare chest. My smooth legs entangled with his hairy ones, we lay
quietly, listening to each other breathe while he gently stroked my hair.

While his hands and face were cold, the
rest of him was putting out incredible warmth. I nestled farther into his
embrace, enjoying the way it warmed me from the outside in.

GABRIEL:
I began to tell her about the party in an effort to keep myself
distracted from thinking of other things. Things like how her legs felt like
silk, her hair smelled of her fruity shampoo, and the feeling that all was just
as it should be as she lay there with her head on my chest.

I only half listened to him as my mind
wandered, thinking about if this were to be the night that we would be intimate
with each other. I had been thinking about it for weeks and feared I would
panic once the time came, and wouldn’t be able to go through with it. Then
‘Would he get mad? Would he give up on me?’ I asked myself those questions
repeatedly, but on that night, I no longer had fear. I completely trusted him,
and more importantly I trusted myself.

It was a perspective altering epiphany and
with it came the realization that I was in love with him. Intrigued, I pondered
over whether I should tell him. But my fear of rejection was too great and I
knew that I couldn’t bear it if he didn’t return the words. No, I definitely
couldn’t tell him, but I could show him, and resolved to do just that.

The idea settled around me. That night
would be ours and it felt right. After all, I was nearly eighteen.

GABRIEL:
Up until that point I’d always felt a tenuous reservation in her,
reminding me that I must never push her or she would pull away.