Embracing You, Embracing Me (29 page)

Nico gave a sideways glance, then reached
out and pulled me to him, embracing me as he spoke, “We all do things we regret
in the heat of the moment. I tend to say nasty things, when I get too upset. I
was so angry because I knew that everything you were saying was right.

“I am using my work stress as a cop out. I
really want to do good at this new job. I know that those pills are the wrong
way to deal with it. If there are any pills I should be taking, it should be
doctor–prescribed to help me sleep at night.” He pulled back slightly and
tipped up my chin so that our eyes met. The sincerity I saw in his was genuine.
“I promise that I won’t ever take them again, okay?” he said.

We hadn’t known each other very long, but I
sensed that he was a man of his word and would never make a promise that he
couldn’t keep. “Okay,” I answered slowly.

“Do you want me to take you home?” he
asked. “I will, but I was hoping you would spend the night as we’d planned.”

“No, I don’t want to go home, yet.”

I shivered when he brushed his finger down
my cheek. “Then you’ll stay?”

I looked into his eyes and knew there was
no-where I’d rather be despite the heated argument that had just ensued between
us. “I’ll stay.”

The next morning after we showered, he made
breakfast and I felt him searching my face, gauging whether I was still with
him or if I’d pulled away. We were both silently aware that the night we had
just shared had been a defining moment in our relationship. We challenged each
other on a fundamental level, and both had defiantly stood our ground, refusing
to back down. We had earned each others respect and recognized that though the
road ahead might not be easy, we were both willing to take the next step
forward and see where it led.

For six months, Nico and I dated. We saw
each other as often as our busy schedules permitted.

Marissa quickly wrapped him around her
little finger and I knew that he was beginning to want the child in his life
just as much as he wanted her mother.

I was slowly opening my heart again as he
continuously proved that he cared for both me and Marissa and wasn’t planning
on going anywhere. I learned that he could be moody and dark at times and I
would become anxious, wondering if it was a sign that he had tired of the
relationship. But each time, he always managed to break his ominous mood with
his off-beat, silly humor and the next thing I knew he would be back to his
fun-loving behavior.

At first these mood swings led to some very
heated arguments. With such strong personalities, we both refused to lose an
argument and insisted on pushing the other to their limits. We would spat back
and forth in loud, angry voices, refusing to give in, until one stormed off in
a huff. Then an hour later, we would swallow our looming pride and offer an
apology.

The relationship was dynamic as we consistently
challenged one another, calling each other on our misgivings. But in the end,
we always kissed and made up and it was the first time that I had witnessed,
much less taken part in, a man and a woman working it out, sticking it out. I
had no idea that it could be done and that it could be so rewarding.

Nico invited Marissa and me to his
apartment for his famous spaghetti. I was clearing the table and washing the
dinner dishes when he came up behind me and nuzzled my neck.

I giggled and squirmed but kept my hands
gripped tightly around the plate to keep it from slipping and breaking. I
nearly dropped it anyway, when he leaned closer and whispered in my ear, “You
should live with me.”

Stunned, I turned off the water and gently
set the plate in the sink before I turned around to face him. “What did you
say?”

Nico placed his palms on the counter on
each side of me, penning me in. It struck me funny, like I might try to run or
something. But isn’t that what I usually did?

“I said that you should live with me,” he
repeated. “You and Marissa should move in.” He stared into my wild eyes, daring
me to take that next leap of faith.

My stomach flip-flopped and I thought of a
thousand reasons why I shouldn’t. I also thought that that was always my
typical response. I wanted to pull away, but knew that it was for all the wrong
reasons. I truly cared for Nico and didn’t want to push him away when I was
sure that I should be pulling him close. I glanced toward Marissa scribbling
happily on a scratch piece of paper with a pen that Nico had rustled up for
her, then looked back at him, “Okay,” I said simply, but my head was pounding.
I turned around without another word, switched the hot water back on and
finished doing the dishes before I could change my mind.

The three of us quickly settled into a
comfortable routine and I had to admit that something about it just felt right.

One afternoon, Rosie and I met up for a
lunch date so that Rosie could share all the juicy details about her newest
relationship.

I listened eagerly as she rambled along
explaining how she had met Justin at a fundraiser event on campus.

I was beaming, watching how animated and
happy Rosie appeared to be as she talked about her new boyfriend, and was so
excited for her.

Rosie always had a tendency to fall for
either the bad boy type, or for the guy that saw her as another one of the guys
and ‘just wanted to be friends’. Meanwhile, she was practically repulsed by all
of the really decent guys that pursued her.

I knew it. She knew it. It was a phenomenon
that we recognized and accepted.

But this was different. I was relieved to
hear that she was finally interested in someone who was just as smitten with
her and treated her well, lavishing her with attention. And she, for once, was
eating it up instead of slapping it back in his face. It was definite progress.

The conversation shifted gears when I
shared with Rosie that Sabrina had called just the week before. Her husband had
been re-assigned to Washington, and they were scheduled to move back from Germany in another six months. She squealed. I squealed with her. We were ecstatic. Nothing
had been the same without Sabrina’s brash humor and we had missed her greatly.
She wasn’t even fully apprised of everything that had happened over the last
few years because phone calls were so expensive. We kept details to a minimum
and sent the occasional letter but desperately wanted see one another again.

“I can’t wait to see that girl,” said
Rosie. “It’s been too long.” She paused, gave me a long stare. “What about you?
What have you been up to these past few weeks? We haven’t talked as much since
you moved in with Nico.”

It was true. Between our busy schedules we
had not had time to catch up. “Well, let’s see. I signed up for school.”

“What? That’s great? I had no idea. When? I
mean… what are you going to study?”

Her smile was huge and genuine and even
though I had been so hesitant before, I was suddenly caught up in her enthusiasm.

I laughed. “I just registered last week.
Nico was actually the one who finally convinced me to do it. I had been toying
with the idea for months but he was the one who gave me the courage to actually
commit.

“As for what I’m going to study… I’m still
not sure… maybe nursing, maybe journalism. All I know is that when I was
younger, I always promised myself that I would break the cycle of poverty in my
family and I haven’t really done that yet. I’m working steady, paying bills,
and my daughter has what she needs, but I know that I can do better, I have to
do better.”

Rosie sat quiet. “You’re scared. I can see
it. But you will do it anyway.”

I sighed. “I’m scared out of my mind. No
one in my family has a college degree. I would be the first. But yes, I will do
it anyway.”

She nodded and sipped her ice tea then
redirected the conversation. “So, how’s the live-in situation going?”

I had been waiting for her to ask. “It’s
going surprisingly well. I keep wondering when its going to go south but it
doesn’t. We still seem to be working out little kinks as we learn about each
other. Man, he can be frustrating. But then again, I’m not exactly easy to get
along with either. I don’t really know how he puts up with me.

“He’s completely taken with Marissa and she
thinks the world of him. She still sees Graham once a week but I really feel
like she and Nico have developed their own father/daughter relationship at this
point. It’s crazy because I never had a dad around and now my daughter has two
who can’t seem to get enough of her. I always wonder who I would have been, had
I known that kind of positive fatherly relationship.”

I sighed and let that question hang in the
air. It was something that would never be answered and I was only just learning
that it no longer mattered. I was who I was and that was Marissa’s mother.

It felt good to open up to Rosie.
Everything in my life was changing and it wasn’t just the outward appearances,
it was something deeper, something inside of me that was itching to be
discovered. I wanted to share some of the things I had been worrying over in
the last few weeks. I folded and unfolded the napkin, nervously. “The only
problem we seem to have, is me. Nico has hinted around about marriage and
having children and while part of me wants that, the other part of me cringes
at the thought. It has nothing to do with how much I care about him. I love him
and plan on telling him so… I think,” I paused wondering if I actually would,
and why I hadn’t already. “It’s just that I can’t help but feel like there is
always something that I am holding back with him, with everyone, even myself.”

I took a deep breath and made myself say
the words out loud, “I admit it. I am stuck in the past, and I don’t know how
to move forward. It doesn’t seem fair to Nico to offer only part of myself, but
it’s all I have.”

Rosie gave a sympathetic smile. “Roshell,
we all have a past that we carry over into our futures. Otherwise, we wouldn’t
grow. We would just keep making the same mistakes over and over again. You have
to remember that it hasn’t even been two years since Gabriel passed away. It
would be weird if you were totally healed already. Give yourself a break. You
are doing a good job, better than you give yourself credit for. You and Marissa
both seem pretty happy. That’s what matters. Quit over-thinking it.”

I smiled, knowing she was right, “Yeah, we
are pretty happy,” I said, but couldn’t help worrying if it would last.

My heart weighed heavily after to Rosie. I
continually replayed the conversation in my mind, wondering what it all meant
and what to do about it but then would remember that Rosie was right: I was
over-thinking it.

I was lost in thought, folding laundry as
Marissa ran through the house pretending she was a velociraptor. She was
entranced with the children’s movie ‘The Land Before Time’, and would run
around mimicking her version of a dinosaur, with her little fingers hooked like
claws, roaring loudly as she attacked her prey. I watched her with a smile as I
paired up socks, amazed at how in the world there was always at least one
stray. Still, my mind wandered to Nico.

I wanted to take the first step in making
an honest effort to change my unconscious habits, and decided that I needed to
tell Nico my true feelings. I made a pact then and there, with socks in my
hands and commitment on my brain, that I would tell everyone in my life, not
just him, how I felt about them so that there would never be any doubt. I had
learned the hard way that you don’t always have tomorrow so it was important
not to waste today.

That evening, as I combed out Marissa’s wet
curls after her bath, Nico was ranting about the current casino politics when I
looked over at him, and before I could second guess myself, blurted out, “I
love you!” I tightly pressed my lips together and waited. I wasn’t sure exactly
what I was waiting for, but when nothing terrible or drastic happened, I
relaxed.

Nico gave a knowing smile. “I love you too,
babe!” He cut the distance between us in only a few strides and gave me a big
smacking kiss. “More than salt.”

My brow furrowed. “Did you just say that
you love me more than salt?”

“Yep.”

“What does that even mean?” I asked,
confused.

He was grinning ear to ear. “You can’t
survive without salt. It’s essential.”

I melted. “That’s probably one of the
sweetest and yet one of the oddest things that anyone has ever said to me.” I
giggled. “We have to work on your one-liners.”

He chuckled. We were always kidding around
about his oddball comments and off-beat sense of humor. Then he turned away and
continued with his previous rant about work as if nothing had happened. His
casual acceptance of my declaration was both irritating and calming. It kept me
from obsessing about the actual admission.

Around midnight, in the quiet of our
bedroom, I lay flat on my back next to Nico, who was lying parallel to my
sprawled form, on his stomach. He leaned up on his elbow. “I think that we
should run away to Vegas. I don’t really want a traditional wedding.”