Empty Arms: A Novel (2 page)

“You don’t know?” Paul snaps. “You’re a fertility specialist for Christ’s sake. Your job is to know.”

Dr. Hurten’s chest is broad like a wooden barrel, but he shrinks at Paul’s words. He opens our chart again and flips through the thick pile of test results, but their tattered edges tell me he’s been over them a hundred times searching for an explanation. He sighs and his voice defaults to the impersonal, authoritative tone he must’ve learned back in medical school. “For ten to fifteen percent of all infertile couples”—I wince at the label—“the cause of infertility can’t be explained. It’s called”—and he looks almost embarrassed when he says it—“unexplained infertility.”

Unexplained infertility
. The words roll around in my mind like marbles, scattering in a million different directions, unable to be stopped or contained. How can that be an actual medical term? I was expecting something far more elaborate, like endometriosis, fallopian cyst, or inhospitable uterus. But unexplained infertility? It’s so … unsatisfying. I would’ve taken bad eggs, damaged goods, cursed soul, anything that would’ve placed the blame squarely on my shoulders. But unexplained infertility? What do I do with that?

Paul’s forehead creases in pain and his ashy blonde eyebrows crumple as he gropes for a solution. “Don’t we have any options here, Doc?” He leans forward. “What about artificial insemination? Or in vitro?”

I’m stunned by the medical terminology that flies out of his mouth. Perhaps he spends more time agonizing over our ill-fated reproductive future than I give him credit for.

Dr. Hurten shakes his head. “Those options are very costly and their success rates decline with age. Maybe if Catharine were younger …” his voice trails off and my spine stiffens. Twenty-three years ago I’d been too young. Now, at thirty-nine, I’m not young enough. I slide my fingernail under a fresh scab and tear it off with one quick flick of my finger.

Paul slumps back in his chair. “So what do we do? Give up?”

“At this point, you may want to start thinking about other options. Have you considered adoption?”

My body tenses at the suggestion. I turn to Paul, but the look on his face tells me he’s remembering his own childhood: the foster homes, the yelling, the bruises that have long since faded but still sting the delicate spirit buried far beneath his tough exterior.

When he doesn’t say anything, I secretly hope he didn’t hear Dr. Hurten. And that we’ll be able to go home, keep trying, and forget that he ever mentioned the “A” word.

“Adoption.” Paul says it as if the word is brand new to him. He turns to me. His eyes are full of questions. I study his weathered face and try to think of a way to distract him. Until now, I’ve managed to change the subject any time Paul brought it up. Whenever he gets on one of his kicks about all the Chinese children who need good homes, I suggest we go to China Palace for dinner and divert the conversation to egg rolls and lo mein. Whenever he starts fantasizing about how different his childhood could’ve been if a loving couple like us had adopted him, I pull him into a tight hug, followed by a long kiss, which eventually leads us to making love on the couch or the floor or wherever we are, until he forgets about adoption altogether and falls asleep on my shoulder. But I can’t very well pull that stunt here in Dr. Hurten’s office. Before I manage to change the subject, Paul’s lips spread into the first smile I’ve seen in months. “What do you think, Cate? Do you want to adopt a baby?” His voice is ripe with hope, and I can feel Dr. Hurten’s eyes on me. Now I’m the one who can’t meet his gaze.

“I, um … well …,” I shift in my seat and Paul’s hopeful smile fades as I stammer.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s just …” I tiptoe through the minefield, trying to find the right words. “I’m not ready.”

“Not ready? Cate, we’ve been trying to start a family for five years.”

The reminder is like being punched in the stomach.

“You’re always saying how much you want to be a mother, how a child is the only thing missing from your life. Think of all the children who need a good home.”

The anguish in his eyes stirs my guilt and makes me want to tell him everything; make him understand why adoption would be torture. But I can’t. “I don’t want just any child, Paul. I want
our
child. I want to carry our baby inside of me for nine months. I want to give birth. And when it’s all over, I want to look down and see a tiny person that’s half you and half me.”

Paul’s gaze falls to my left arm, where my right hand is busy at work beneath my sleeve. He pulls my hand free from its incessant picking and sandwiches it between his. “But Cate, what if you never get to do any of that? Wouldn’t you rather adopt a baby than have none at all?”

I pull my hand away and look out the window. The aluminum slide glints in the sunlight, and the tire swing spins in circles.

When I don’t answer, Dr. Hurten clears his throat. “This isn’t an easy decision. You two ought to take some time to think about it.”

I shoot daggers at him with my eyes, and it’s all I can do to not wring his neck for bringing it up in the first place. Of anyone, he should know how I feel.

Dr. Hurten stands and shakes Paul’s hand. “I’m awfully sorry to be the bearer of bad news.” Paul’s lips sag in defeat.

I pick up my coat but make no attempt to offer Dr. Hurten my hand.

“Catharine,” he says. “Before you go, can we have a word?”

Paul looks from me to Dr. Hurten then back at me. I shrug to let him know that I have no clue what the man wants. But I know perfectly well.

“I’ll be in the waiting room,” Paul says, shrugging into his coat.

When the door closes behind him, Dr. Hurten gestures for me to have a seat. I sit back down and rest my elbows on the wooden arms of the chair. My right hand twitches with the urge to continue its business under my left sleeve, but I squeeze my hands between my knees and force myself to focus on the patch of worn finish on his wooden desk. I imagine all the poor, infertile souls who’ve been on the receiving end of the tissue box slide, and I can’t help but wonder if any of them are like me.

Dr. Hurten crosses his arms, and his white lab coat tightens around his meaty biceps. He leans back in his chair, producing a metallic squeal that sends my heart racing. Finally, I summon the nerve to look at him.

His dark eyes are cold, and it’s like he can see right through me. “You haven’t told him,” he says.

I can’t discern if it’s a question or a statement. I look away. My eyes settle on a five-masted ship in a bottle displayed on his bookshelf. I’ve never noticed it before.

“Catharine, he deserves to know.”

Deep down I know he’s right. But, like the ship, my secret is too massive and too fragile to ever come out without destroying everything.

“Catharine, your husband deserves to know you had a baby.”

T
HE IRONY OF GETTING
this diagnosis today of all days isn’t lost on me. It eats at me the entire ride home. And to make matters worse, Paul doesn’t say a word. His hands are tight on the steering wheel, his jaw is clenched, and his eyes are fixed on the road. This must be how he looks when he makes love to me. I can hardly stand the sight of him. I turn to the expanse of barren trees whirring by outside my window but my eyes settle on my pale reflection ghosted on the glass. Swollen crescents underline moss eyes that are flat and drained of life. Thin lips settle into a natural frown. Even my once-bouncy chestnut curls have given in to defeat and lay hopeless against my face. No wonder he doesn’t look at me anymore.

W
E ARRIVE HOME
a half hour later without breaking the silence once. The March chill has permeated the thin plaster walls of our 100-year-old house, and even though the furnace burns through gallon after gallon of oil, the heat it creates seems to vanish as quickly as it forms.

We stand in the dark kitchen with our arms crossed in front of us, staring everywhere but at each other. “I can hang that pot rack if you want,” Paul finally says, eyeing the pencil mark I made above the granite island two years earlier.

I follow his gaze to the ceiling. “What’s the point? All my pots are tarnished and burnt. They’re too unsightly to hang. They’re barely good enough to cook anything in.”

He thinks about this for a moment. “Let’s get some new ones.” He uncrosses his arms and places his hands on my shoulders.

I let him pull me into a hug. I rest my cheek on the soft flannel covering his heart. “If only it were that easy.”

He rests his head on mine and exhales. “We’re going to get through this, you know.”

I tighten my arms around his waist and nod, even though I’ve never been less sure.

When he releases me from his grip, we exchange wounded smiles before seeking comfort in our own ends of the house, me in the Jacuzzi tub he installed for our anniversary two years ago and he in the russet La-Z-Boy I gave him for Christmas, which is angled in front of the big screen in the den.

By the time I reach the top of the stairs, college basketball is on, and the plunk of a beer can on the wooden coffee table assures me he’ll be occupied for hours. I disappear into our bedroom and lock the door behind me. Across the expanse of white Berber carpet, a sliver of darkness escapes from the door to the walk-in closet.
Don’t do this to yourself.
But I will. I always do on her birthday.

I slip inside the dark closet and kneel before a wall of neatly stacked shoeboxes. I lift the large white boot box in the back and reach for the small pink one beneath it. Its lid is decorated with ballet slippers and rose petals. I lift it. Tucked inside is a pink cashmere blanket adorned with tiny white flowers. My hand pauses above it. After the day I’ve had, I deserve at least this. I scoop up the supple wool and bring it to my nose. The soft scent conjures the image of her heart-shaped face and curious blue-gray eyes.
Emily
.

I trace over the memory. The fine wisps of auburn on top of her head. The slight curve of her nose and the way her top lip came to a delicate point beneath it. The perfect circle her mouth made when she yawned. The way her eyelids fluttered with sleep when I rocked her. I cradle the empty blanket in my arms, recalling her skin, which was soft like a rose petal and smelled of lotion and talcum powder. My fingers fold over nothingness, remembering how her chubby hand fit in mine.

Today is her twenty-third birthday. She’s probably celebrating with friends. Or a boyfriend. I try to envision the shape of her smile and the sound of her laughter, but the harder I try to imagine her, the faster the memories slip away, until I’m left staring at the empty blanket in my arms. I fight the urge to bury my face in it, wrap it around me, and fall asleep beneath its soft fragrance. One breath is all I ever allow myself for fear that I’ll inhale the last remaining trace of her. One breath to prove that she exists. One breath so I can be sure we’d been together. Once.

I
STRIP OUT OF MY CLOTHES
and wait for the thundering water to collect in the tub. The chill of the bathroom tiles pierces the bottom of my feet. I pour lavender bath crystals and watch as they effervesce. When the water is high enough, I step in, sit down, and face the roaring faucet. Hot water sears at the open wounds on my arm. It doesn’t take long for the tears to come, and I’m not surprised that they match the torrent of water with their force.

Though neither of us is brave enough to say it, Paul and I are coming undone. The worst part about it is that he doesn’t even know why. I wanted to tell him about Emily before we got married. I thought he deserved to know that his bride had a baby when she was sixteen, that I’d fought to keep her and lost. But Mom never let me forget what kinds of men were willing to marry girls with unsavory histories. It wasn’t good ones, like Paul. So rather than risk losing him, Emily remained a carefully guarded secret. A secret that’s toiled in the dark recesses of our marriage for five long years, like a termite eating away at the delicate lattice that connected our hearts. With each passing day, the damage was barely noticeable, but now, five years later and inexplicably infertile, all that remains is a pile of wood splinters.

I lean back against the cool fiberglass and pick at a scab as guilt builds inside me. What would Paul think is worse, that I wasn’t a virgin when he married me or that I’d allowed my only child to be taken away from me? My muscles tighten at the memory of fighting against hospital aides twice my size as they pinned down my shoulders and legs and pried Emily from my arms. Her terrified scream still echoes in the canyon of my mind. I slide underwater, desperate to silence it. Everything  mutes except for the rhythm of my heart. Breath pours out of me and bubbles above my face. My heart bangs wildly, threatened by the shortage of oxygen. I grip the edge of the tub, forcing my body to remain submerged, wishing Paul would walk through the door and place a slab of concrete on my chest. But he doesn’t. And once again, my body’s physical thirst for air overcomes my desire to die. I gasp as I jerk free from the water, swallowing pockets of air into my desperate lungs. I rest my forehead on my knees as I pant. Water pools around me and tears slide down my thighs.