English, Elizabeth (40 page)

Jemmy
stood a moment staring down the empty passageway. He took one step, then
another, without stopping to ask himself what he thought he was doing. He only
knew that he could not let her vanish from his life like this. It was too
quick, too sudden. If he could only say farewell properly...

He
strode quickly around the corner and nearly collided with Alyson, who was
standing just on the other side of the turn, bending down to lift her brother into
her arms.

"My
lord!" she said, straightening, wiping a hasty sleeve across her eyes.
"What is it? Is something wrong?"

"No."

He
looked at her in helpless anguish, seeing the shadows beneath her eyes, the
trace of moisture spiking her thick lashes, knowing he had just made things
even worse. No words could make this parting any easier. He should have let her
go.

"Ally,"
Robin said, tugging at her skirt. "I'm tired."

"Here,
let me take him," Jemmy said gruffly. "He's too heavy for you.
Ralston, you may go."

"Very
well, my lord," the chamberlain answered. " 'Tis the third door down
and to the right."

Alyson
did not speak as Jemmy carried the child to the chamber Ralston had indicated.
Once he deposited the boy upon the narrow bed, she drew the coverlet over him
with a tender smile and smoothed the curls back from his brow. Jemmy watched,
telling himself he was a fool to be jealous of her brother. Yet it was
impossible not to be.

The
boy would be with her every day, would watch her grow and flourish among the
McLaran clan. When Jemmy was no more than a distant memory, her brother would
be there to share her joys and sorrows. Robin would dance at her wedding.

He
pushed that thought aside. There would be time enough later for regrets. Now
was the moment to say goodbye, wish her well in the new life beginning for her,
one filled with promise and adventure.

At
that moment she straightened and turned to him with a smile that stopped the
words upon his lips.

"Thank
you," she said. When he did not answer she added awkwardly, "We'll be
fine now."

"Of
course. Well..."

He
started toward the door, cursing himself with every step. Never in his life had
he been so completely at a loss for words.

"If
you need anything, just send for Ralston," he said.

"Aye.
I will."

He
was at the door now, reaching for the latch. Good luck, he thought. That was
what he would say. God keep you on your journey. I will remember you each
morning when I wake and every night when I lie down to sleep. When I die, it
will be with your name upon my lips.

"Good
night," he said.

"Goodbye,"
she answered softly.

The
word, so stark, so final, echoed in his mind as he walked back down the silent
corridor. It reverberated with all the force of a prison door slammed shut,
severing him from life and joy forever.

When
Jemmy walked into Maude's chamber the next
morning he had a sense of
time doubling back on itself. Maude sat before the fire, just as Alyson had
done, while Maggie combed out her hair. As though on cue the girl jumped to her
feet.

"Good
morning, my lady," he said and the words seemed completely unreal, an echo
in his mind. "Did you rest well?"

"No.
I did not. What do you mean by putting me in this—this—sty? I have never been
so insulted in all my life! The mattress wasn't properly aired and—"

Alyson's
performance had been brilliant—she'd caught Maude to perfection. When Jemmy
considered how frightened she must have been, his admiration went up another
notch. Oh, she was a woman in a thousand to have convinced them she was
anything at all like her half sister.

"—and
these rushes are moldy! I want them changed at once! I don't see what's so
amusing about that!" Maude added indignantly, looking from Jemmy to Maggie
as they burst out laughing.

Maggie
wiped her eyes. "Ah, she's a braw wee lassie, isn't she?" Jemmy knew
the serving woman wasn't speaking of Maude.

"Aye,
she is," he agreed. "Don't you worry for her, she'll be fine
now."

"Whatever
are you talking about?" Maude demanded, stamping one foot. "You
haven't heard a word I've said!"

"On
the contrary, my lady. But I'm afraid you'll have to bear the discomforts of
Ravenspur—for the present."

"When
will my father be here?"

"This
afternoon. Until then Maggie will look after you." He began to walk from
the room, then hesitated and turned back. "It must be a strange thing to
find yourself here, after all the trouble you've taken to avoid it."

Maude
sniffed, sitting down on the window seat and pulling the tapestry frame close.

"Does
it make you wonder, lady, if some things are meant to happen, whether we will
them to or not?"

He
wasn't sure why he had even asked the question, but now that it was spoken he
somehow felt that her answer was terribly important.

"What?"
she said impatiently, glancing up from the gory picture stretched on the frame
before her. "Whatever are ye blethering about?"

"I'm
talking about the doctrine of free will as opposed to that of
predestination," he went on, a little amused at the relief washing over
him. Had he really doubted that Alyson's reflections on the subject had been her
own?

Maude
raised her chin. "Naught happens to me but that I will it."

Jemmy
looked at the pure oval of her face and the unquestioning arrogance in her eyes
and felt a touch of pity. Though her age was near to Alyson's, Maude was still
a child in ways that her half sister had never been. He feared she had some
difficult lessons before her on the way to womanhood.

The
trouble was, he didn't want to be the one to teach them.

"Until
this afternoon, my lady," he said courteously, not at all surprised when she
didn't deign to answer.

Alyson
put the last of her and Robin's belongings into a bundle and tied it securely
while Robin, perched on the bed, talked happily about the journey they would be
taking tomorrow. Alyson tried to share his excitement but could not. She had
not seen Jemmy again since their return. Nor should I expect to, she reminded
herself sternly. He was gone from her completely now, and this very day would
be wed to Lady Maude.

It
had all worked out perfectly. Lord Darnley would have no choice but to sanction
the marriage now, as they had both Maude and Haddon. So the peace would be
made. Alyson and Robin were to go at last to the McLarans, just as they had
dreamed of for so long.

She
put the bundle by the door, then looked about for something else to occupy her
time. She wished that they could leave today, but since Laird Kirallen had
kindly arranged for an escort and given them two mountain ponies for the
journey, she could hardly complain of the
arrangements. But she did wish that
they were far from this place already.

She
laid out bread and cheese and ale, then sat and watched as Robin ate. He looked
so well—surely he had grown in the past weeks. His cheeks held bright color as
he told her everything that Sir Robert had taught him.

"I
don't suppose we'll be seeing him again," he said wistfully.

"Oh,
I don't know. Maybe one day we'll go to London and visit. But not any time
soon. We'll be too busy, Rob. There will be so many people to meet and so many
new things to learn. It's very beautiful up in the Highlands."

"Can
you really touch the sky?"

"Well,
almost." She laughed, ruffling his hair. He ducked his head from her hand
and she realized with a pang that he wasn't a baby anymore. The weeks he had
spent apart from her had changed him in some way not easily defined. It went
beyond the growth she was convinced that he had made—he had gained a new
confidence and maturity. That was for the good, she knew, for Robin had always
seemed younger than his age and had depended on her completely. But she felt
very much alone as he jumped up from the table.

"I'm
going to take these crusts to the pony," he said. "I think I'll call
him Sam."

"A
good name," she agreed. "But mind you keep out of the way. Some of
those horses are very big and—"

"Oh,
Ally!" he said, rolling his eyes. "I know."

When
he was gone she sat, staring out the window. There was a knock on the door and
she said, not turning, "It isn't locked. What did you forget?"

"Why,
nothing that I know of."

She
jumped to her feet and saw Jemmy in the doorway. He was dressed in the same
clothing he had worn to their wedding feast, a fern green tunic that
accentuated his dark hair and eyes, richly furred as befitted his rank. She
rubbed her palms nervously over the skirt of her woolen kirtle. It was very
plain, of course, nothing like the gown she had worn to that feast. The king's
law forbade commoners to have any fur about their clothing.

"I've
come to say farewell," he said. "May I come in?"

"Of
course, my lord," she said, dropping a quick curtsey.

"And
I wanted to give you this."

He
held out a parcel and Alyson took it, opening the wrapping to find a length of
the McLaran tartan, woven in the clan's distinctive red and gold design. She
held the fabric close. "Thank you. How kind."

"It
will not suit you as well as ours," he said and she smiled, though she did
not raise her eyes to him.

"Oh,
I think that it will suit me well enough," she said, laying it carefully
aside. There was an awkward silence and Alyson stared down at the table,
waiting for him to leave, wanting him to stay. But as the silence lengthened
she began to wish he
would
go, for she could not breathe properly with
him in the room and her heart was pounding in quick, jerky beats.

But
he did not leave. He sat down on the bench. "Come, sit a moment," he
said, touching the wood beside him. When she was seated there was another
silence and Alyson cast about frantically for some remark that would not be
completely foolish.

"Did
you know," he said at last, "that you talk in your sleep?"

"In
my—? I beg your pardon?" she said, certain that she had not heard him
correctly.

"You
do," he said gravely. "Twice I heard you for myself. Once was the
night of our—of the wedding. I went to our chamber and you said the name
'Robin' and something about... let me see, I think it was burning bread."

Why
was he speaking of this now? It was all done and there was nothing to do but
try to forget. To keep remembering would only break her heart afresh.

"And
the other time—"

"I
remember," she said hastily. That had been the morning she dreamed of
Robin's death and woke calling for him. The morning after the night... Now her
face was scalding and she blinked back tears of humiliation.

"My
lord, please—"

"Shh..."
he said, taking her hand in his. "Listen. Do you remember the morning I
returned from Kilghorn?" She nodded miserably. "I'd been thinking of
you all the time we were parted, missing you—"

"No,"
she said, trying to remove her hand from his. "You said—"

"I
know what I said." He tightened his grip on her fingers. "Just hear
me out. It was the same morning you met Sir Robert. But I don't think you
realized you'd been followed."

She
looked at him for the first time, her eyes wide.

"It
was Alistair, of course. He and several of his men. They met me coming home with
quite a tale—how you'd been seen with an English knight, weeping as he held you
in his arms. They told me his name was Sir Robert and I thought—I
assumed..."

"You
thought that I—that he—? But why did you not say something?"

He
sighed. "Because I am a fool."

"No,"
she said slowly. "I think you sensed that I wasn't being honest with you.
And for that I am sorry. I should have told you that day in the stables—"

"You
should," he said, then gave her his rare, flashing smile. "But just
think what we would have missed!"

Despite
herself she laughed.

"There
is another reason that I did not speak," he said, growing serious again.
"I never told you, did I, that I had been married very young? Indeed, I've
never told anyone about her. Her name was Carmela Velasquez and..."

As
he spoke Alyson could see him as he'd been then, young and foolish and so
terribly unhappy. She understood how hurt he must have been when he thought he
had been betrayed again, even his desire to strike out at her. And she could
even pity Carmela, who had not been able to appreciate her wonderful good
fortune at being married to such a man.

When
he finished she said gently, "You must have loved her very much."

"No."
In an achingly familiar gesture he put his finger beneath her chin and raised
her face to his. "I thought that once but I know better now. I've only
loved one woman, and I fear I'll never love another."