Essence Of The Heart (The Royal Tutor) (23 page)

          Matthew paused for a moment, as if putting his deepest thoughts
into words. When he finally spoke, he was very solemn.
          "Your Majesty, though I am a religious man, I still often look at
things very logically. I believe in God because all things denote to me there
is a God - the colors of the sunrise and sunset, the order of the seasons, the
beauty of the earth after a rain, and the perfectness of a newborn child. I
then reason that, since there must be a God, there must be justice in the
universe, for reason says a God could not be unjust. If God is just, then
there must be some kind of judgement after this life, with its accompanying
rewards and punishments. Anyone with any sense of integrity would admit
that justice does not occur in this life. If, then, there are punishments and
rewards, there must be a heaven and a hell and, in my mind, perhaps many
stations in between. But if there is a heaven, then those we love must be
there. For I cannot imagine it would be heaven to us without them."
          Louise smiled at him. "That is very profound, Matthew; very
profound and very comforting."
          With her heart softened at this moment, there was a question she had
for Matthew that she had always wanted to ask, but never found the right
time. This seemed like the right time, if there ever was one, so she decided
to ask. "Why have you never married, Matthew?"
          He turned away from her. He seemed unable to speak. She spoke
encouragingly. "Was there never anyone?"
          Matthew nodded, his voice full of emotions. "There was one, once.
But we were of different stations in life. She was a lady, and I but a
soldier."
          For a brief moment, Matthew seemed to lose his mask, and Louise
could see the pain that tore at his heart as he continued. "When we were
both young, she always requested me to be her guard wherever she went. In
this way, we spent picnics, chamber orchestras, horse riding, and many
other things together, without really saying we were together. I knew she
cared for me, too."
          Louise looked at the grief written on Matthew's face, and she almost
wished she hadn't asked. But she had, so she decided she should know the
whole story. "What happened?"
          Matthew tried to control his voice, but it still quivered as he spoke.
"Eventually, it came time for her to marry, and a duke much older than
herself came along. She became a duchess. I became Captain of the Guard.
We knew it was not meant to be for us. We were like two stars from
opposite sides of the heavens. I can still remember, as I stood guard at her
wedding, she turned toward me as she walked down the aisle. I will never
forget the look of longing and sadness in her eyes."
          "Where is she now?" Louise asked.
          "She is still alive. She had a son. But I think her life has been one
of disappointment and grief. She has become old and somewhat bitter."
          "Who is she?" Louise inquired.
          Matthew lowered his eyes and looked away. "I wish you wouldn't
ask me, Your Majesty."
          "Matthew, I promise I will be careful of your trust, but I feel I need
to know so I can understand in some small way."
          Matthew looked up at her briefly, then lowered his eyes as he spoke
quietly. "She is your Aunt Eldna."
          In an instant, Louise found her heart going through a whole gamut of
emotions. Her old, "boring" Aunt Eldna? Louise almost found herself
laughing. Matthew looked up and smiled, then spoke as if he could read her
thoughts and needed to counter them. "She wasn't so boring back then.
She was actually an exciting, vibrant person. She reminded me, in many
ways, of you and the young princess. But life can be hard when dreams are
crushed and hopes are shattered."
          Louise found herself suddenly understanding many things. She
remembered how Eldna had come to her wedding ball when Louise hadn't
expected her. Eldna was already a widow by then, losing her much older
husband after very few years of marriage. She remembered how shocked
she was when Eldna had spent the evening of the wedding ball visiting with
the captain of the guard, Matthew Johnson. She remembered how her father
said Matthew had gotten Tobias into the Royal Guard at Eldna's request.
She began to see much more than she had.
          She also remembered her own thoughts of possible marriage to Sir
Phillip. What would her life have been like if she had married him? Would
she always have felt as Eldna did now? The thought of marrying Sir Phillip,
instead of Alexander, made her shudder.
          Her heart also ached for both Matthew and Eldna as she turned again
to him. "Matthew, is that why you were so against Captain Richins tutoring
Marie?"
          Matthew regained his old composure. "Your Highness, I was not
against it. I just wanted to know your intentions, for if you were going to
allow them to fall in love only to tear them away from each other, I felt it
was a great injustice to both of them. But if you were to allow love to
follow its course, as you appear willing to do, I feel the decision was not
only good, but kind." He smiled, and then spoke with a longing in his
voice. "Perhaps mine and Eldna's lives would have been different if others
had thought as you do."
          "You know, Matthew," Louise said, "Eldna is single. And besides,
you are now a nobleman."
          He smiled at her. "I know what you are implying, but you forget we
older people have ingrained into us that there is a difference between
nobility of birth and nobility of office. Besides, we have both changed so
much, I don't think she could feel the same way about me that she did
before."
          Louise knew otherwise, but didn't say it. She had seen Eldna glance
over at Matthew when she came to visit, and she saw her looking around
when he was not in the room. She couldn't believe she had never guessed
any of this before, but now it all fit together so well. She even wondered if
some of Eldna's animosity at her and Alexander's wedding was out of
jealousy. As she thought about it, she really believed it was.
          She also remembered how she, herself, had thought Alexander
wasn't good enough for her. She had come a long way, but she still carried
many prejudices. As she thought more about her own deficiencies, she
thought about her failures as a mother, and she prayed, more than ever, for
the young captain's success to make up for them.
          And perhaps, after all, there would also still be a time for Matthew
and Eldna.
          As Marie left the throne room, she thought about what had just
happened. For the first time in a long time she and her mother had been
able to talk. She wasn't sure why that had been the case. Usually the first
thing her mother did was to try to correct something that Marie was doing
wrong. But this time she had asked how things were going.
          But there was something that she thought about a whole lot more -
something that bothered her about the whole thing. When her mother asked
her if she wanted the captain removed from being her tutor, her heart felt
funny, and then she had begged her mother not to release him from that
assignment. Her plea to do so had come so quickly she hadn't even been
able to think about it. What had happened to her?
          Only a few months earlier she would have driven off anyone that
tried to tutor her, but now she was begging her mother to let him stay. She
tried to tell herself that it was just because he was teaching her to sword
fight and she was enjoying it. However, it was much more, and she knew it.
She did feel different when she was with him. She had never thought about
how she liked him to stand up to her until her mother's questions had made
her think about it.
          The funny thing was that he also made her so angry that, at times,
she wanted to slap him. She had slapped many a person in the palace, and
they would just flee from her. But he didn't. He blocked her aggression.
He didn't feel he needed to take it. Those first times when he had done that,
it had made her angry beyond anything she could remember. She had never
pulled a sword and attacked someone before, but she did him.
          Yet he didn't run like she thought he would, but quickly knocked the
sword from her hand. She wanted to fly at him in rage and bite and scratch
him, but she, for the first time, had been forced to control her temper, for
she didn't think he would just stand there and take it. She found she had
great admiration for him.
          She also loved their walks in the gardens. She thought it was cute
how he blushed when she looked at him eating. Was she having feelings for
him? She didn't think that could be possible. She was a princess, and he
was a soldier. But why was she begging her mother to let her keep him as a
tutor? The instant her mother had suggested otherwise, and she had thought
of not having him, it was, in a small way, what she had felt when she lost
her father.
          As she thought of her father she could feel her heart ache. She had
tried to put his memory out of her mind for so long it was hard to think
about him now. But, suddenly, she found herself wanting to. She wondered
what her father would think of Jacob. She smiled to herself. She called him
"Jacob" in her own thoughts. She didn't think he even knew she had
learned his first name. She always addressed him as "Captain" or "Captain
Richins", just as he called her "Princess" or "Your Highness", but she had
learned his name while listening to his friends socialize with him. She
meant to always keep it her secret, but she relished knowing it.
          She thought about how she would try to get him to play out in the
gardens. If she caught him off guard, eating some raspberries or something,
she could sometimes get him to be playful before he seemed to remember
and quickly became formal again.
          She hated the formality. When he bowed to her it made her want to
whack him. It just didn't feel right. When the servants did it, she didn't
think twice about it, but when Jacob did it, it angered her. She wasn't quite
sure why. It was just a natural feeling that came over her. She knew that
was what he was supposed to do, so she could do nothing about it, but she
hated it.
          She schemed about how she could catch him off guard, because
sometimes when she did, he might turn and give her a friendly spat or a
whack on the shoulder. But then he would blush and apologize. She would
try to get him to continue by doing something else, but he would be on
guard and not respond that way again.
          She questioned why she tried so hard. She realized his touch felt
good to her. Even in a playful whack, it carried a feeling that made her
heart tremble. It felt so much like how she had felt with her father, yet
different. There she was again, thinking about her father. She tried to push
his memory away, but again, she found herself wanting to dwell on it. She
could remember how her father would pull her onto his lap and make
everything seem right. Even when she did something wrong he would put
her on his lap and he would make her stay there until she promised to
behave.
          In so many ways, her father, as much as she could remember him,
was a lot like Jacob. Her father hadn't been afraid to let her know if
something was wrong, but he also would let her know when she did
something right. She had always felt as though she didn't want to displease
him.
          She could remember the first time Jacob had praised her. Her heart
had jumped, and she felt so wonderful she had almost cried. She had told
herself that it was stupid to feel like crying when you're happy. But in an
instant, she had wanted to please him just like she had her father.
          Her thoughts of her father led to thoughts of her mother. For so
many years she thought that her mother was so different from herself that
they could never understand one another. But her mother seemed to be so
understanding today. Surely her mother could never have been like her.
Her mother was always so proper. Out of the blue she remembered a
glimpse of a memory of long ago, almost forgotten and erased. She
remembered something her grandfather had said about the way her mother
had treated her father. She knew that her grandparents had sent her mother
up north to Denville Castle for a summer. When she was young she had
heard the stories.
          Something started to awaken in her - a desire to know more about
her parents. Could she be more like her mother than she thought? She
searched for those memories, but they were gray and far away. She hadn't
let anyone talk to her of her father in years, but now she wanted to know
more. She had to know more. And she knew just the place to go. She was
going to visit with her grandmothers.
          Jacob was sitting in the library trying to read as he waited for Marie.
After the episode on the second day, he was never late again. He didn't
want a repeat of that. He had been tutoring her for over two months now,
and his feelings about the assignment had changed a lot. He found himself
looking forward to each day.
          His men had long ago quit the teasings. In some ways it had become
routine. But with Marie, each day brought something new. He almost
thought new
and
exciting, but there were times it wasn't exciting. She
could still be defiant, keeping him on his guard in case she might strike out
at him.
          The more he thought about the last couple of months, the harder it
was to concentrate on his reading. He kept thinking about her and thinking
about how they both had changed. He found that she had quit striking at
him so much in anger, and now did it more in playfulness. He was even less
sure how to respond to her teasings than he was to her attacks. Even simple
things befuddled him, such as when they were in the gardens and she put
some dirt down his back. He would find himself naturally reaching for
some dirt to put down her back, but he would stop himself just in time. She
was still the princess, and he needed to act appropriately.