Etiquette and Vitriol (20 page)

ARTHUR:
Grace! Where's Mrs. Duncan? Grace!

TODD:
I've asked you not to do that!!!

TOMMY
(Removing jacket)
: I'll take it sir.

ARTHUR:
How are you feeling Buzz-Todd?

TODD:
Fine!

ARTHUR:
No symptoms?

TODD:
No!

(Phone rings. Tommy rushes to it, dropping Arthur's jacket on the floor. Todd goes to work on the dinosaur.)

TOMMY:
Hello?

ARTHUR:
Where's your mother?

TODD:
Upstairs.

ARTHUR:
Grace!

TOMMY
(Into the phone, irritated)
: Oh, just a minute.

(Grace enters.)

GRACE:
Is that you Arthur? What are you doing home? Isn't it the afternoon? I've lost the thread of the day—

TOMMY
(Handing Grace the phone)
: It's for you.

GRACE:
Thank you, Tommy. Hello?

TOMMY:
Can I get you something, sir?

ARTHUR:
Privacy.

GRACE
(Into the phone)
: You must be kidding me.

TOMMY
(Hostile)
: I'm just doing my job.

GRACE
(Hanging up)
: This is terrible!

TOMMY:
What is it?

GRACE:
Arthur, can you play the violin?

ARTHUR:
Of course not.

GRACE:
Viola?

ARTHUR:
Grace!

GRACE:
It seems our violinist was killed this morning by a stray bullet during a bank holdup.

TOMMY:
Did he work at a bank?

GRACE:
He was holding one up.

ARTHUR:
Who cares? No one'll miss one violin from an orchestra.

GRACE:
It's a string quartet.

TODD:
Not anymore.

ARTHUR:
I have to talk to you Grace.

GRACE
(Starting to rush off)
: Can't it wait? I have to locate a violin and practice like mad!

ARTHUR:
No! Something terrible has happened.

GRACE:
Oh I know it. The tent is wrong, the flowers are off, the rabbits malignant, and I've got a table full of nuns at twenty-seven.

ARTHUR
(Sitting)
: Get me a drink.

TOMMY
(Bitterly)
: Yessum Massa Duncan.
(He exits)

GRACE:
I wish, Arthur, you'd say please to the servants. Your curtness is read as ingratitude. You're the reason we can't keep good help.

ARTHUR:
Don't criticize me. I've had a terrible day.

GRACE:
So have I. See your setbacks as challenges. That's what I do.

TODD:
I had a nice day.

GRACE:
Did you?

TODD:
But I see my setbacks as setbacks.

ARTHUR:
Please. I don't know how to say this—

(Tommy enters with a drink.)

TOMMY:
Here.

ARTHUR:
Why are you still wearing that?

TOMMY:
It's my uniform.

ARTHUR:
I asked you to wear pants.

TOMMY:
Mrs. Duncan said—

ARTHUR:
It's awful.

GRACE:
It's snappy.

ARTHUR:
It's faggy.

GRACE:
Arthur, please.

ARTHUR:
Well, it is. It's the fruitiest thing I've ever seen.

GRACE
(Under her breath)
: You'll offend Todd.

ARTHUR:
Oh, he doesn't care. Do you Buzz-Todd?

GRACE:
Arthur, he's homosexual.

ARTHUR:
That doesn't mean he's effeminate.

GRACE:
He'll have another “fit.”

ARTHUR:
That's all behind ya, isn't it Buzz-Todd?

TODD:
No.

TOMMY:
I think I look like Tony Curtis in
Some Like It Hot
!

ARTHUR:
I hated that movie.

TOMMY
(Hostile)
: It's a classic.

GRACE
(To Arthur)
: You never had a sense of humor.

TODD:
I found it politically incorrect in it's portrayal of transvestites as buffoons.

GRACE:
Didn't you have something to tell me? I left Emma on a stool upstairs with pins in her hem.

ARTHUR:
Don't look at me. I don't think I can say this if anyone is looking at me.

(The others turn away from Arthur.)

GRACE:
Oh my. Maybe I should have a drink too.

ARTHUR:
What?

GRACE:
It sounds as if I'm going to need one.

ARTHUR:
Do you have to?

GRACE:
Just one.

ARTHUR:
It always starts with “just one” doesn't it?

GRACE
(Turning back to Arthur)
: What does?

ARTHUR:
You know very well.

GRACE:
I don't know what you're talking about—Tommy, a Scotch.

(Tommy rises.)

ARTHUR:
Sit down, Tommy.

(Tommy sits.)

I'm asking you not to.

GRACE:
If I understood your implication, I'd be insulted. A drink, please.

(Tommy rises.)

ARTHUR:
Sit Tommy.

(Tommy sits.)

GRACE:
Stand Tommy.

(Tommy rises.)

ARTHUR:
Grace, it's not even four.

GRACE:
So what?

ARTHUR:
If you start now, you'll be gone by dinner.

GRACE:
Gone? Gone where? Try to avoid the vague euphemism.

TOMMY:
Would you like me to leave?

ARTHUR:
That would be best.

(Tommy starts to exit.)

GRACE:
Stay put Tommy.

(Tommy sits.)

If Mr. Duncan wishes to hurl ugly accusations, let him do so in public. What are you trying to say, Arthur?

ARTHUR:
You're an alcoholic, Grace.

GRACE
(Very still)
: What did you say to me?

TODD:
He called you an alcoholic.

ARTHUR:
I wish you wouldn't drink so much!

GRACE:
What's “so much”?

ARTHUR:
You drink yourself blind every night.

GRACE:
You call that “so much”? Please.

ARTHUR:
Your drinking is out of control!

GRACE:
I don't have a problem! Todd! Am I an alcoholic?

TODD:
Of course.

GRACE:
Speak up.

TODD:
Yes. You're an alcoholic.

GRACE:
Oh piffle! I don't have a problem! You're the one with the problem, Arthur!

ARTHUR:
I know this is a difficult time. We're all under a lot of strain. Buzz-Todd's sick. There's a big dead thing in the living room—

GRACE
(Snapping)
: You wouldn't know if I were drinking or dying—
(To Todd)
Sorry.

ARTHUR:
Fine! I don't want to discuss it!

GRACE:
I could have left you years ago and you'd never know it! You're never here!

ARTHUR:
I'm always here—

GRACE:
Were you home for dinner last night? Or the night before?

TOMMY:
I slave and slave over a hot stove.

ARTHUR:
Well, why bother! You'd be passed out in the tub!

GRACE:
Were you!

ARTHUR:
I was working!!

TOMMY:
Likely excuse.

ARTHUR:
Night and day! To satisfy your insatiable need for “things!”

GRACE:
You delude yourself, Arthur! You always have. Justify your philandering! I'm a drunk so you can assuage your guilt over being less than a father and less than a husband. But I've told you, Arthur, your indiscretion is immaterial to me. I learned a long time ago to replace you in my affections, as you had me in yours. Now. What did you want to tell me?

ARTHUR
(Sweetly, cruel)
: It pains me to say this, Grace. But the fact is, I no longer have a job.

(Pause.)

GRACE:
Pardon me?

ARTHUR:
That's it. That's what I wanted to tell you. It's over. It's all over. Finished. Done.

GRACE
(Still stunned)
: What are you talking about?

ARTHUR:
I have been asked to step down.

GRACE:
Well, decline politely!

ARTHUR:
It's not that simple.

GRACE:
You're the president, Arthur!

ARTHUR:
Was dear. Was the president. Past tense.

GRACE:
You're lying.

ARTHUR:
Why would I lie about a thing like this?

GRACE:
This is a dream. I'm living a dream—

ARTHUR:
It's no dream. It's over. And I must say, I feel so free. I feel comfortable for the first time.

GRACE
(Simply)
: What happened?

ARTHUR:
It's complicated.

GRACE:
Explain it to me!

ARTHUR:
In time.

GRACE:
Now!

ARTHUR:
I feel as if a terrible burden has been lifted. I feel lighter.

GRACE:
How dare you?

ARTHUR:
It wasn't my choice Grace.

GRACE:
Women I could tolerate. Not poverty!

ARTHUR:
We can spend more time together.

GRACE
(After a moment, a threat)
: What did you do?

ARTHUR
(Not recognizing the word)
: Do? I'm sorry.

GRACE:
You were at that bank for thirty years!

ARTHUR:
Good years.

GRACE:
You were president for ten!

ARTHUR:
Wonderful years.

GRACE:
Things don't just happen—you did something!

ARTHUR:
I did my best.

GRACE:
Did you steal? Did you embezzle?

ARTHUR:
I feel positively liberated.

GRACE:
STOP SAYING THAT.

ARTHUR:
So sorry. Buzz-Todd, a catch?

TODD:
No, thank you.

ARTHUR:
Aw.

GRACE:
You did something! I know it! You did this on purpose! This has been a terrible goddamn—did you see that tent!!?—EXCUSE ME!!
(She runs off)

ARTHUR
(After a moment)
: I think that went very well.

TODD:
What did you do?

ARTHUR:
I didn't do anything.

TODD:
Don't lie to me. I can tell.

ARTHUR:
I need some air.