Every Little Step: My Story (27 page)

As of February 2016, there have not been any criminal charges filed against Nick Gordon.

I’m a Brown and the one thing we believe in is family. My entire adult life, my kids have always been a big part of everything, there with me every step of the way. I’ve tried my hardest to never let anything get in the way of my taking care of and being with my children. That’s why it was so hard for me when I felt that people were purposely denying me that relationship with Krissi.

I had Landon when I was just seventeen. That was my exit from New Edition, my point of no return. I was going to move to Los Angeles and I was going to take care of my son; I was going to be there for him no matter what. And that’s what I did. My whole life has been based on family. I come from a big, raucous family. We’re Browns until the end. We take care of each other, we stand for each other and we protect each other as much as we possibly can. That’s what the Browns do. Sometimes we may open our mouths and say dumb shit that doesn’t make any sense, sometimes we may speak when we’re not being spoken to, but through it all we always have love for each other.

All my kids appreciate that about our family and they all have my back in every way. And they know I have theirs.
That’s the one thing that keeps me going, no matter what. My kids. My family. By myself, I’m so fuckin’ scared. I’m still this little kid in this big bubble who had a dream of becoming an entertainer and having success and bedding the most beautiful women in the world. And I’ve done all of that. Losing the love of my life was the hardest thing, but I was able to find someone who gave me the strength to pick myself back up and keep moving on. Then I had to find a way to get through the loss of my child. But I take one day at a time, keep putting one foot in front of the other—and continue to be a strong, loving presence for Landon, LaPrincia, Bobby Jr., Cassius and Bodhi. Not to mention Alicia. That defines me, more than anything else you might have ever heard or read about me.

There’s no doubt that I’ve had my share of personal trauma in recent years. But through it all, I have retained my desire to entertain. When I’m out in the world, I get such love from my fans that I know I will never be able to walk away from performing. It’s my lifeblood; it’s what I was born to do.

When I look at the music industry now, compared to where it was when I started, I think I created a style—a fun, energetic, aggressive style that didn’t take itself too seriously, a style that definitely influenced male entertainers who came after me. Where I come from, the show was always the most important thing. In New Edition, we didn’t bullshit when it came to performing. We started out as young boys and we always knew the recording, awards and money didn’t mean a thing if we couldn’t perform in front of a crowd. So that was always the top priority. I would hope I’ve shown entertainers
that they need to have respect for performing live to a crowd and giving them their money’s worth.

I’ve had some health scares, I may not be in the same shape I was when I was twenty, but I’m still the same motherfucker who will give you everything he has, will leave everything out on that stage. I may not be the best singer in the world, I’m not the best dancer in the world, but when I’m up on that stage you’re gonna know it is Bobby Brown. They called me the Bad Boy of R & B and I still think that name was accurate. I am that motherfucker who will get up on that stage, who will pull his ass out, who will tell all his critics to kiss it.

After I stopped using drugs, I started to put on weight. When I look in the mirror, I see the belly sitting there, staring back at me. It can be painful when I look back at the videos, watching my skinny self fly around the stage, twisting and grinding at the age of twenty. I hear people calling me names, saying I look like Cedric the Entertainer or Busta Rhymes now. I admit, the talk about my weight does bother me. As I close in on fifty years old, I start telling myself it’s too late to get back to the slim, trim Bobby Brown. But I know that’s not true. I just have to make the commitment and push myself. When my wife tells me, “Come on, Bobby, you’re not old!” I want to respond, “Shiiiit, yes I am.” But she’s right. I can still do it. One of these days, I’m going to go to the gym, push myself away from the table. One of these days . . .

People need to understand that I love this industry with all my being. Entertainment is what I was bred for, what I was born to do. I don’t think there’s any entertainer out there who wants this as much as I do, who appreciates entertainment as much as I do and who has the heart and integrity to be genuine with his fans as much as I do. Yes, I might fall short sometimes, and I’ve gotten mixed up in drugs and alcohol and all of that, but that comes with show business. It comes with the territory. I want people to understand that when I hit that stage, if I’m a beast, then that’s my truth. That’s what Bobby Brown is. Were you entertained? If you were, that’s what matters. Don’t keep fucking with me and coming at me with bullshit, just poking at me, because it hurts. I’m still a human being.

In this day and age, the media dissects every inch of your life, everything that has nothing to do with the entertaining. And critics and journalists write all these ridiculous things about me but have no idea of the craziness I went through before I even got into the industry, all the people I’ve lost—my grandmothers, my friends, my mother, my father, my sister, my ex-wife, my daughter. No one knows what that much tragedy felt like to me. Drugs were a crutch to deal with early pain, and I know now that the pain has to be dealt with in other ways in order for me to be the best I can possibly be. And I’m working on that, on a daily basis.

I’ve flushed all that bad stuff out of my life now and I’m trying to be better. But the only way I can do that is for
people to leave me alone for a minute. Let me perform. Let me get my shit together on my time, and just support me. Just show up for me and support me, because all I have is my kids, my wife, my family, and entertainment. That’s all I got. Peace, I’m outta here. Ghost!

The pagination of this electronic edition does not match the edition from which it was created. To locate a specific entry, please use your e-book reader’s search tools.

Ralph Tresvant, close friend and New Edition bandmate (pages 58 and 132)

Tommy Brown, older brother and longtime manager (pages 61, 204 and 262)

Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds, songwriter and producer,
Don’t Be Cruel
(page 75)

Marvin “Marvelous” McIntyre, tour manager,
Don’t Be Cruel
(page 79)

Malika (Williams) Payne, mother of Bobby’s son Landon (page 89)

Leolah Brown, Bobby’s sister (pages 151 and 182)

Landon Brown, Bobby’s son (pages 162 and 279)

LaPrincia Brown, Bobby’s daughter (pages 206, 222, 270 and 313)

Alicia Etheredge Brown, Bobby’s wife (page 226)

Bobby Jr., Bobby’s son (page 290)

I’d like to thank:

Nick Chiles, my biographer and friend. Without your persistent support this would not have been possible.

HarperCollins and Dey Street Books, for an amazing team that worked very diligently and was sensitive to helping me tell my story my way.

My editor, Carrie Thornton, and assistant editor, Sean Newcott.

Publicists to be reckoned with, Shelby Meizlik and Joseph Papa; and social media and PR specialist, Michael Barrs, with much love and gratitude.

My agents at ICM, Dan Kirschen and Mark Siegel.

My partner in all business, Chris Brown, Esq.

My friends Maxia Barnett and Marselle Washington for the photography.

Special thanks to the following people for their contribution and support:

My wife, Alicia Etheredge-Brown; my brother, Tommy
Brown; my sisters Bethy, Tina, Leolah, and Carol Brown; my sons Landon Brown and Bobby Brown Jr.; my daughter LaPrincia Brown; Malika Williams-Payne; and Kim Ward.

All my true friends who have helped me through the last few years: Stanley and Heidi Freemen; Kelvin Bowers; William Brenson; JR Stafford; and the NE fam.

Blessings and gratitude to Jeanie Griffith; Tyler Perry; Rev. Michael Beckwith; and Michael Houston.

To my family:

My loving wife, Alicia; my children, Landon, LaPrincia, Bobby Jr., Cassius, Bodhi, and (baby); you are my force and light.

To the Etheredges: aunties, uncles, nieces, and nephews, thank you for your love.

To the memory of my loving parents: my mother, Carole, and father, Herbert Brown (Ma and Pop Brown). Your spirits, humor, and everlasting belief in me have carried me through my journey.

To my baby-girl angel, Bobbi Kristina: Daddy loves you and knows you are always guiding me.

And to all the fans: for your support and loyalty I am forever grateful.

And to the little boy in the tree, who’s never given up on dreaming big.

Styling in the early eighties with my Flash B belt buckle.
Courtesy of the author.

New Edition when we performed at Jordan High School in 1986.
Back row:
Ralph Tresvant; the principal of J.H.S.; A & R executive at MCA Records, Louil Silas; radio rep, Maxia Barnett; a friend; and Michael Bivins.
Front row:
Ricky Bell; a fan; Bobby Brown; and Ronnie DeVoe.
Courtesy of the author.

My brother, Tommy; my sister-in-law Carolyn; my sister Leolah; my dad; me; and my sister Carol; all of us backstage on the Humpin’ Around tour in 1992.
Courtesy of the author.

At the Soul Train Music Awards in 1989, where I won Best R & B / Urban Contemporary Album for
Don’t Be Cruel
.
Courtesy of the author.

My amazing mom and me.
Courtesy of the author.

My parents, Carole Elizabeth and Herbert James Brown; may they rest in peace.
Courtesy of the author.

With my kids Bobbi Kristina, Bobby Jr., and LaPrincia back in the day.
Courtesy of the author.

Whitney Houston and me at the Soul Train Music Awards in 1990. We were the power couple.
Photo by Kevin Winter/DMI/The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images.

At the 1998 Achievement Awards with Whitney and little Bobbi Kristina. Notice our color-coordinated outfits.
Photo by Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic, Inc.

Mom, Bobbi Kristina, and my niece Amani.
Courtesy of the author.

With LaPrincia at her high school graduation. I’m so proud of my girl.
Courtesy of the author.

With my man Ralph Tresvant. Partner in crime.
Courtesy of the author.