Every One Of Me (2 page)

She must have noticed the moisture in my eyes because she
hopped up from her chair and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. "Let
the girls know I'll miss them, too. But not as much as you, Tessa. I love you,
babe."

"I love you, too. Be good," I said and released my
suitcase to wrap my arm around her.

"Yeah," she scoffed, "I'll do that."

When she pulled away, her eyes were as wet as mine, but she
refused to let the tears fall. She tried to avoid getting emotional as much as
I used to. She was just better at it. "I'll visit soon. I'm mad I won't be
there to see Charlie's face."

I rolled my eyes, "I'm sure he doesn't even live there
anymore. He was always desperate to get out of town. Why would he stay?"

She grabbed my suitcase and started to wheel it out the door.
"For you," she said with an innocent smile.

My heart stopped for a few seconds at the thought, but when
it started back up, I pushed the image away. Even if he did, I couldn't invade
his life. Not with all the baggage I had with me.

***

My mother, Sarah Marshall, was probably just as sweet as
Judy was, if not more. She had a way of becoming your most cherished friend
with just a smile. She was waiting patiently at reception, bright sun dress
covered in tiny flowers, her brown hair pinned up just the way I always
remembered, and her brown eyes glistening with tears of an emotional reunion.
Benny had a harder time saying goodbye to her than she had with me and for a
minute, I was pretty jealous. I couldn't blame her though. I loved my mother
and I knew she loved me, which made the apology I was about to attempt that
much harder.

We were in the back seat of the cab on our way to the
airport when I grabbed her hand and started to speak only to stop when she
cupped my cheek and smiled.

"Don't be sorry for
anything
, Tess. You did what
you had to do. I love you and I'm proud of you." Then she kissed me on the
cheek and laid her head on my shoulder. "Save it for someone else,
though," she muttered under her breath, but I pretended not to hear her.

I wasn't ready to make that apology and I knew I never would
be. It would involve being face to face with the one person I couldn't be with
and the only person I had ever truly wanted to be with. I was a mess, though,
so I accepted the truth a long time ago. Didn't make it any easier, but I had
never really dealt with easy so… I would be fine.

We arrived at the airport with no less tension between us.
Mom hated flying, but she refused to let me travel home alone. After boarding
the plane and settling in, she gave in to telling me the real reason she came
to get me on the other side of the country. I couldn't help but feel a little
relieved that she hadn't changed a bit.

"She's horrible, Tess. A real live-" she paused to
look around and lowered her voice, "
bitch
. She is the spawn of
everything evil in this world, but I can't say that to Trevor. It will only
push him away and I would rather keep an eye on how things are going. I think
she may be drugging him or something. Or she brainwashed him. I just don't see
a nice man like Trevor marrying that… thing," she said and shivered in
disgust.

My brother had recently gotten engaged to a girl that my
mother didn't approve of, as you can tell. Well, I don't think anyone would
approve of her because she was just awful. She was a senior when I was a
sophomore and I saw firsthand the horrible things she had done. I couldn't
imagine she had changed at all. But she was gorgeous and my brother was
shallow. Always had been. I told Mom I was probably not the best one to be
screening her requests, but after talking to her over the phone a few times, I
knew Mom wouldn't be able to keep her cool much longer and I couldn't let her
lose Trevor.

"I think you coming home will be the best thing for
him. He'll get some time away from Ellie and maybe see that he would be happier
without her. She is always bickering at him and telling him he is an idiot and
that his friends are worthless," she sneered.

"Seriously? I wouldn't think Trevor would put up with
that," I replied.

"Yeah, well, she makes a point to show off her breasts
when she is talking, so I don't think he really even hears a word she
says." She took a sip of her water and patted my leg, reassuring me not to
worry too much and that I am who she needs right now.

The flight seemed to take forever and not just because I
found it impossible to sleep, but because the one thing I was sure my mother
would bring up, she doesn't. Where Charlie is and what he is doing. I am
gratefully disappointed. It would be nice to know where he is at... so I can attempt
to avoid him at all costs, of course. Not a word. She doesn't say a word about
him except for that subtle hint in the cab on the way to the airport. For some
reason, I feel like her
not
saying anything
is
saying
everything
.

By the time we landed in Denver, got off the plane, grabbed
our bags, and found a cab, I was utterly exhausted and it was only 7 o'clock in
the evening. The ride home geared up the anxiety I already felt. Seeing all the
familiar buildings and houses, the streets I used to roam with my friends when
I was younger, the sandwich shop we used to frequent - it was overwhelming to
say the least. As the cab pulled into the driveway of the house I grew up in -
that hadn't changed a bit - I was practically gasping for the precious air I need
to survive. Mom didn't notice. She saw my brother's red Toyota parked on the
curb and immediately started praying that
the beast
didn't come with
him. Unfortunately, two figures were waiting for us at the door and one looked
very much like a woman.

My mother had already climbed the porch steps by the time I
thanked the cab driver for helping me unload my suitcase. I looked up at the
house and felt like I had never left. I know I said it hadn't changed, but
damn.

The wind chimes I had made for Mom in the 6th grade were
still hanging from the eave above the porch. The giant tree in the front yard
was still there with three names carved into the trunk, one of which I didn't
want to think about. Even the pieces of lumber that Trevor had nailed to the
tree in an attempt to build a huge tree house for me, but never finished, were
still there. Even the garden was exactly the same. Tulips and daisies. Pink and
white only. The only change? The bottom porch step looked like it was about to
crumble. I looked up at the window to my bedroom and took a deep breath.

Mom cleared her throat when she passed through the front
door and I looked toward her. She seemed to be apprehensive about being
together as a family again. It had been too long with so many unanswered
questions. Tension was high.

My fault entirely.

Tessa

"Hey stranger!" my brother said excitedly and
wrapped me into one of his bear hugs. "So glad you are back, Tess. You
have been missed."

I hugged him back tightly and took a deep breath in. His familiar
scent washed over me and brought back memories of what my life was like before
I knew where it was going. He always smelled like toothpaste and Old Spice and
my smile widened when I realized that hadn't changed either.

"I've missed you guys, too," I muttered into his
shoulder.

He released me from the hug but kept his hands on my
shoulders and gave me a look that only a concerned brother would give his
sister. "You okay?"

I nodded and gestured to my suitcase, "I'm great, but I
would like to get unpacked before we get to all the heavy stuff."

He chuckled and moved an arm around the shoulders of the
platinum blonde beside him. "Good, but first, Tessa, this is Ellie. My
fiancé. Ellie, this is my little sister, Theresa."

I stretched my arm out to shake her hand as she assessed me
from my head to my toes and then met my eyes with a genuinely fake smile before
dropping her hand into mine and awkwardly shimmying it back and forth like this
was her first handshake and couldn't figure out the physics of it. I smiled and
tried to keep the sarcasm I was about to vomit on a tight leash. "Nice to
meet you, Ellie. I hope you don't mind if I get settled in before getting to
know you a bit."

"Nope."

That's all she said and I couldn't help but quirk an
eyebrow. My mother cleared her throat from behind my brother, "Trevor, let
her in for Hell's sake. She can't get settled out on the porch!"

I dragged my suitcase in and just as Trevor was about to
grab it for me, Ellie snatched his arm and whined about being cold so he had to
drape his arm over her shoulders again. I saw her move for what it really was.
Not because I have a sixth sense about these things, but because she gave me an
evil grin when I looked back at her.
Ugh! Great.

Mom followed me up the stairs and into my old room. She
always was a hoverer, but it couldn't possibly bother me now. I knew why she
didn't want to leave the safety of my room. It was almost exactly how I left
it. I slowly started unpacking and got a couple of things hanged before giving
up and sitting on the bed next to her.

She sighed loudly and took my hand in both of hers. "I
don't know what you have been through, my dear, and you know I would never ask
you to take on more than you can handle here." She paused and then looked
desperately into my eyes. "But I can't handle that bitch anymore. Is there
any way you could run her off for me?"

I laughed for the first time since this morning and it felt
so good under the circumstances. My mom just smiled and kissed my cheek.
"Come on, let's have some tea and you can give us a synopsis before you go
to bed. It's been a long day."

When I had spoken to my mother on the phone about coming
home, she didn't ask any questions. In fact, when she first found out where I
was, she just asked if I was okay and told me that she loved me and would
support me in whatever I needed to do. I loved that about her. Her priority was
me, not the crap, and even though I know she was worried about me and was
probably heartbroken that I left her, she still loved me and apparently forgave
me for everything.

Over the last year, I had stayed in contact with her and
told her some of the issues I was taking care of, namely the therapy and
anxiety I had been going through in trying to figure out what was happening to
me. It took a year to come up with a firm diagnosis and when I had told Mom it
was worse than I thought, she said there was nothing we couldn't handle
together. She said she had been a witness to my 'affliction' several times, but
I had been unaware that anything was happening. Like I said before, I thought
it was selective amnesia and maybe the things I couldn't remember were a result
of stress or that I just didn't care. Things changed when others close to me
started talking to me about things I did, but couldn't remember, or started
calling me a liar. By the time I put everything together, I was too upset to
think clearly and too worried about the things I could possibly do to the
people I loved. I had already hurt my best friend, what would I do to my mother
or brother? So I left.

Unfortunately, I left without a word until I was gone for
three days and realized they would send the police out looking for me if they
didn't know I was okay. Yeah, I know. Stupid of me, but hey, I was a little
stressed and a little freaked out. I wasn't really thinking clearly. I had
called Mom and told her not to worry too much and that I had to do this on my
own and I would be in contact with her to let her know I was still okay.
Obviously, it wasn't that short of a conversation and there was a lot of drama
and other things said, but in the end, she said she understood and that's all
that mattered to me. The contact I told her I would make ended up being a
postcard every month or so for 4 years with a phone call on Mother's Day and a
letter for Christmas. She took it all in stride even though I knew in my heart
I was tearing out her soul a piece at a time.

I just couldn't face them.

Now that I was back, I had to give them some answers. One of
the promises I made to Mom over the phone that last time was that I would tell
her and Trevor everything and trust them to support me and be there for me no
matter what it was.

Now, I know what you are thinking. How could someone leave
their family like that and not tell them
anything
? Well, like I said before,
the last year was really the only progress I made and by then, I had told them
where I was and the general idea of what I was doing.

We all gathered in the living room with my mom's herbal tea
and chocolate chip cookies. I was hoping that Ellie would be gone by the time I
came down stairs. She was sitting close to Trevor on the loveseat and looked
like she couldn't give a shit less about what was going on. Mom gave me a
knowing look, but didn't say a word.

Trevor was looking at his phone with a grimace and quickly
looked up at me when I sat down in the recliner across from him. He tapped
something in his phone and shoved it back in his pocket looking unsure of
himself, which he never was. When he gave me a nervous grin, I chalked it up to
being anxious about what I had to say.

"Sooooo," he said lazily, "what's up,
Tess?"

I looked down at my hands and frowned. My brother was never
one to beat around the bush and I knew, from my frequent talks with Mom, that
he was concerned about me in an angry sort of way. I never thought he would be
happy about my disappearing the way I did, but for a while I pretended like me
taking off didn't matter to him.

It's not like we were never close or anything. In fact, we
were
very
close. We were the kind of siblings that hung out with each
other. He took me along quite often whenever he would go with his friends. At
the time, I thought he was doing it for Mom. Now, I think he did it just for
me. Some people thought we were fraternal twins at first. We looked a lot alike
except his eyes were hazel. Mine were brown. We both had the same firm chin and
rosy cheeks, dark eyebrows and dark brown hair. He was very handsome and could
have any girl he wanted. He was also tall and had built up more muscle since
the last time I saw him.