Every Young Man's Battle: Stategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation: The Every Man Series

Stephen Arterburn

foreword

Since we started the band Stereo Motion in 1997 (then known as Phat Chance), we have recognized that our calling is not just about music; it’s about ministry. As teens, we recognize the unique and powerful pressures that surround us and our friends. Our goal is to use our God-given abilities and platform to minister to those specific needs through our music.

We feel that the most pressing need of our peers is to find the answer to one simple question: “How can a young man keep his way pure?” (Psalm 119:9). Though purity encompasses far more, sexuality has become our focal point for a firm foundation of a life of purity. The closing song on our first album (
Without You,
Flicker Records) is titled “The One” and is written to the women God already has selected to be our brides when His timing is complete. It expresses the commitment each of us has made to keep himself sexually pure for his future wife—and offers a prayer that she is doing the same.

We are painfully aware of some of the extreme consequences that can result from violating God’s command to lead a sexually pure life. When Bryan was nine years old, his father died of AIDS. Whether he acquired the disease from his lifestyle of sexual promiscuity with women or from his drug use—or if he spread it to others through sexual encounters—we will never know. What we do know is that his impure living cost him his life, and only God’s protective hand preserved Bryan, his sister, and his mom. Years later, Bryan is drawing from the painful lessons he’s learned to help steer his peers away from the paths his dad took and to point them toward God’s straight and narrow path.

Every Young Man’
s Battle
is written with so many gripping real-life stories that, once we started reading, we found it hard to put the book down. The authors don’t pull any punches as they share stories of real people making mistakes, and the authors follow through by offering practical steps we can take to avoid making those same mistakes ourselves—by showing us how to return to the path of purity if we’ve veered off course.

The book’s material is very straightforward and goes beyond the obvious steps for purity. It’s not just about abstinence. For example, it provides a thorough understanding of the relationship of masturbation to our sexual purity. Think about it, guys: If someone asked you what the Bible says about masturbation, what would you say? After reading this book, you’ll know exactly what to say—and what’s acceptable to God—in the secretive area of the M word.

We feel this book is a must-read for every guy who wants to deal in God’s way with his very real sexual temptations. We need to apply these truths to our lives and understand them so that we can minister to others who are struggling in the same areas. We’d be surprised if you can’t think of at least a dozen friends who need to hear this message today. Will you tell them? And will you show them by the choices you make today?

—
Stereo Motion

Brandon, Brent, Bryan, Dallas, and Justin

dedication
and
acknowledgments

To my heavenly Father,
who lifts the
needy from the ash heap
and seats them with princes.

And to Brent and Barry, my brothers-in-law
and my brothers in
God’s grace.

____________________

I’d like to thank Andy Turcotte, Steve Beeman,
Richard Pickrell, Ron Strack, and Mark Oberbeck for your great insights into
the hearts of young men and women. You are wonderful pastors and I’m
amazed at your friendship.

I thank my prayer team as well. Pastor
Palmer and Deacon Mike Swaim have lifted me in the darker moments. I thank
Vicky Cluney, Diana Koontz, and Ray and Joyce Henderson, who never stop praying
or believing. And the head of the prayer pack is my wife, Brenda. What a
warrior. What a woman!

I thank my friends who have understood my
absence at important events because of the deadlines. I thank you younger
friends of mine who have opened your hearts to tell some of your deepest
stories, all for the sake of Christ. I’ve changed a few details to
protect your privacy, but God knows who you are, and He is forever grateful.

Gary Meyer, you’ve always been there to make me laugh, even if
it meant eating a cricket or waking me with horns and drums at two in the
morning. Thanks for accepting me as your “intense friend.”

Mike Yorkey, you are a master. I’m lost without you. And thanks to
Dan Rich, Thomas Womack, Michele Tennesen, and all of WaterBrook Press. Stephen
Arterburn, what can I say? Your support and encouragement are ceaseless. It is
amazing to me.

My motherin-law, Gwen, has carried the ball many times
when we needed a first down. She’s a real gamer. Jasen, Laura, Rebecca,
and Michael, you are the finest children on the planet. You’ve sacrificed
much. God will make it up to you, now and forever.

—Fred
Stoeker

Introduction

There’s a time-honored code that almost every male I’ve known has followed. I’m positive that my father and my brothers followed what I call the “Sexual Code of Silence.” The code states that it’s okay to joke about sex or even lie about it, but other than that, it’s your solemn duty—as a male—to keep silent whenever a
serious
discussion about sex takes place.

Since everyone is determined not to talk about this, or maybe is embarrassed to do so, you probably don’t have a clear picture of what healthy sex is all about. In fact, you’re probably thinking that some very wonderful things are not normal and that some very normal things are pretty weird. That’s one of the reasons we wanted to write this book for you. We wanted you to have accurate information about a wonderful subject that’s prone to misinformation and ignorance. You’re a sexual being and deserve to know what’s right and true about your sexuality so you can have the greatest chance possible for a fantastic sexual relationship with the person you marry.

It’s sad that in the Christian community, where we have access to God’s truth, we operate with so many lies and myths about sex. Some teens and young men with a low sex drive think they’re not real men, when in reality they may have a chemical or hormonal variance that lowers the drive. Some teens and young men with a strong sex drive may view themselves as slightly crazy and in need of major help to squelch their urges.

You may be vacillating between those two extremes, especially if you’re in the middle of your adolescent years. Because your body is in a constant state of growth, you feel driven one minute and almost asexual the next. Don’t let this concern you. You’re right on schedule, and everything you’re experiencing is normal.

One of the most difficult assignments you’ll ever have is to integrate your sexuality with the emotional, spiritual, social, and relational person you want to be. Many have the tendency to see their sexuality as something shamefully separate and distinct from themselves, but that shouldn’t be the case at all.

Let me illustrate by using a good old hypocrite as an example. You probably know some people who are very religious when they go to church on Sunday, but you’d never know they were Christians by the way they act during the rest of the week. Sure, they say all the right words and go through the right motions on Sunday, but that part of their lives is reserved for Sunday. Come Monday morning, they sound more like they went to hell on Sunday rather than church. Those people haven’t fully integrated their spiritual life with the rest of their lives.