Everybody's Got Something (19 page)

J
anuary 8, 2013. Big Day! I had another long treatment day at the hospital. These visits usually took a few hours. First, they took my vitals, checking my blood pressure and taking my temperature. Then I stepped on the scale. I was still not gaining any weight, but at least I wasn’t losing any more. Next my blood was drawn. Usually, I wait about half an hour for the results. I’m always on pins and needles waiting to hear the numbers. Those will determine the rest of my visit, hydration, medications, IVs. The story of my life, for now anyway.

On this visit, I saw both Sergio and Gail. Sergio told me that the bone marrow test I took the previous week showed no abnormalities—I was absolutely stunned. We all were. He was cautious to use the word
remission
. But everyone couldn’t believe the progress I had made in such a relatively short amount of time. My platelets were still in the low 80s, but otherwise my numbers were improving. So much so that we could actually begin the discussion about when I could return to work. Dr. Giralt took the lead and came up with a game plan. He suggested doing a “mock”
GMA
in a couple of weeks, a kind of test run, then regroup and set a date to return to the anchor chair, probably late February.

My emotions were all over the place hearing this news. When Dr. Roboz and Dr. Giralt left the room, I broke down in tears. Amber climbed in the hospital bed with me and held me. My sweet nurse Lorraine took my hand. It was such a special moment.

As anxious as I was to return to work, I was incredibly nervous. I was thankful that the show had been doing well without me. Even though ABC News President Ben Sherwood, my executive producer, Tom Cibrowski, and everyone were telling me it was in part because viewers cared about me, I wasn’t so sure. And why did I even care how the show was doing? I was alive—feeling more like my old self—more energy. Yet I was not overjoyed like I thought I would be—like I
should
have been?

My dear friend Kelly came over for dinner that night. It was great to see her. She was a young producer when we met years ago at ESPN. She’s married to a great guy, Hussain, and now she’s an excellent reporter for ESPN. It’s not easy to go from producer to on-air talent, but Kelly is unique. And she has a wicked sense of humor.

She was as amazed as I was that going back to work was already on the table. I shared my concerns with her and she assured me that I would make the right decision with my doctors when the time was right. Even though I said we would not talk about Mom, we did—I couldn’t stop crying. Mom adored Kelly. And Kelly loved Mom right back.

We recalled the time Kelly went to Easter service with us one year. Mom was delighted that Kelly was wearing a festive Easter hat. We pulled up in a cab to the Riverside Church. Mom enjoyed hearing Reverend James Forbes’s sermons. We weren’t the only ones. A large crowd was already waiting to get into the church. At the time Mom kept a collapsible cane in her bag. She whipped it out, and we were escorted to the front of the line. Kelly and I chuckled at the memory of that. Happy sorrow. But I knew I still hadn’t allowed myself to fully grieve the loss of my beloved mother.

I would have to face those emotions before I could return to the anchor chair. For as long as I can remember, every morning after
GMA
I would go back to my dressing room and call Mom. She looked forward to my phone calls, and it was always a treat to hear how she felt about the show that morning. I don’t care how old we are, we just want to make our parents proud. I wouldn’t even have to say: “Good morning, Mom!” She knew I was calling and would launch right into conversation. Usually starting off with her delightful little laugh. I dreaded the thought of my first
GMA
back and not being able to call Momma.

Sergio, Gail and their nurses were preparing me physically to return to work. I also had help getting mentally prepared, thanks to my wonderful yoga instructor, Christine. I’ve been working with her for a few years. There’s a small yoga studio as part of the gym in my apartment building. I had to take extra precautions, making sure my yoga mat was sanitized and that no one else was using the space.

Christine is a lovely soul, with dazzlingly curly hair. She is talented, with hopes of being a full-time actress one day. For now, she gets occasional work, also produces shows and has an infectious spirit. She is patient because I’m not the most flexible person in the world. But I soon discovered with Christine that yoga is about much more than flexibility. It truly is a beautiful, serene practice. Breathing. Being. Feeling. Resuming yoga with Christine was just what I needed, for my body and soul.

A few days later, I got up early because a crew was coming to film at my apartment for
GMA
, detailing my return to the show. I hadn’t done live TV since the end of August, and I was more than a little nervous. Elena had me looking good. It felt odd to have makeup on again. Since I didn’t have any hair yet, Petula’s job was much easier. Just take the shine off my glistening, bald head. Sitting under the bright lights waiting for the show to begin, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. But once I heard George’s voice in my earpiece I felt at ease. I shared what Sergio had told me: no abnormalities in my bone marrow. I felt everything went very well. It was wonderful that everyone was so excited to see me. They said I looked “radiant.” I certainly felt that way.

Later that morning, my ABC colleagues came to see me at home: Tom Cibrowski, our executive producer; Ben Sherwood, the president of ABC News; and James Goldston came to my apartment. James was the executive producer of
GMA
before Tom and had been promoted to senior VP of content and development at ABC News. James is delightfully British and is the one who finally convinced me to join Twitter. All three were excited to see me for the first time in months. We had talked a lot on the phone but seeing each other face-to-face again was powerful. I could tell they were all a little nervous, not wanting to spread any germs. They sat as far away as they could from me in my living room. They were thrilled that I was ahead of schedule, but they wanted to make sure that I didn’t feel pressured in any way to return until I was ready. Every ABC executive had been consistent in telling me the only thing that mattered was my returning to good health. My job would be waiting for me. Again, something I wish everyone in my position experienced with her employer.

Ben had also been my executive producer at
GMA
before he left in 2006 to continue writing. His first novel was published in 2000; I love the title:
The Man Who Ate the 747
. It’s about the crazy things we do for love. Ben’s novel
Charlie St. Cloud
was made into a movie staring Zac Efron. And after Ben left ABC, he wrote a book I certainly relate to:
The Survivors Club
. It explores who bounces back and who doesn’t in tough times. Everybody’s got something. I was ecstatic when he returned to us four years later as president of ABC News. Ben is a strong leader but also refreshingly sensitive. And also very tall, standing six feet four inches. Even after Ben left ABC, we stayed in touch. Sitting in my living room, he told me I could do as much or as little as I wanted when I returned. He was laying out all these plans. Did I want to be considered as the new host of the game show
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire
? Did I have any interest in my own daytime talk show? I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do any of that at this point in my life—but I would certainly consider it. First things first: returning to
GMA
.

Now it was time to engage Sergio’s game plan. February 20 was the target date, exactly five months since my transplant. It would also be the week before the Oscars. It would be a huge psychological boost if I could return to the scene of the crime, so to speak. It was at the Oscars the year before that I knew something wasn’t right. So returning would be my way of saying: “Take that, MDS!”

Before Sergio would even allow me to go into the studio for my first test drive, he wanted me to wake up at my normal time for a week. Not that there’s anything normal about a 3:45 a.m. wake-up call. The first couple of mornings went fine but then not so much. I had become accustomed to sleeping until about 6:00 a.m. I would put on my froggy slippers that Sam and Josh had given me in the hospital and go into the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Usually just cereal with whole milk. Normally I use skim milk, but I was told to sneak in calories wherever I could. With my bowl of cereal I would prop up my feet on the coffee table in my living room and watch the show. During this time, my feelings about resuming normal life fluctuated: One minute I felt excited about returning to work, the next I wasn’t so sure.

My goal was to work with Christine once or twice a week. Some days my energy would be low and I would feel better after a few downward dogs. My balance was still an issue, but I was beginning to see improvement. When I just wasn’t up for a session with Christine, she would send me a thought-provoking poem or passage.

I was also well enough at this point to have more visitors come to my apartment. I spent a lovely afternoon with Deborah Roberts and her children, Leila and Nicky. They brought delicious Chinese food from Shun Lee: dumplings, chicken with broccoli, vegetable spring rolls. We sat around my dining room table catching up.

At the lunch at my apartment with Deb, I gave her daughter a small journal. I have watched Leila blossom into a beautiful, talented, intelligent young woman. I know the teenage years can be difficult, especially for girls. So I encouraged Leila to write down her thoughts, to document this wonderful journey she is on.

My family has always kept journals. Jotting down our thoughts, emotions, dreams, fears. I haven’t been the most consistent in doing that. But found it to be very comforting during my recovery. This is an excerpt of my entry from January 21, 2013:

Before I knew it, it was “Test Drive” day at
GMA
. I got up early and went to the studio for the first time since August 30. I was incredibly nervous—Karen and Evelyn were there to shoot me for the prime-time special I was considering doing when I returned. I was excited to see many colleagues for the first time in almost five months, especially the studio crew. Stage managers Angie, Scott and Eddie always have the tough task of trying to rein us in along with the camera crew: Adrian, Gene, Scott, Mary and Steve. Steve’s wife has successfully faced down breast cancer, and he always seems to know just what to say to me. Denise is both our senior broadcast producer and our resident fashionista. On the way to the set I always pop in her office to get her approval. Bobby, our technical director, looks so much like the actor who played Carlton on
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
. Whenever we need a good laugh, Bobby breaks out in the Carlton dance.

Everyone was excited to see me, too. I could tell many were nervous to hug me or touch me. I honestly think some of the crew feared they would never see me again. There were so many tears, so much joy. I was touched to see many
#TEAMROBIN
signs hanging everywhere. Rita, our sweet green-room coordinator, had one outside the green room where the show’s guests gather every morning. It’s still there, as is the
#TEAMROBIN
sign on Eddie’s jib camera in the studio.

Diandre, my stylist, picked out a beautiful blue-and-black St. John dress for me to wear. Once I put it on and Elena and Petula worked their magic, I felt fine. Great, actually. Seeing myself in the mirror, except for the few sprouts on my bald head, I felt like my old self for the first time in a long time.

I went to the studio before the show started, blowing a kiss skyward to Mom and Dad. I watched from the sidelines for the first hour of the show and then retreated to my dressing room. I was feeling a bit tired. This was the most excitement and activity for me in quite some time.

After the show ended, I returned to the studio to sit in my anchor chair. The bright studio lights really bothered me. My skin was still very sensitive. There was copy in the teleprompter for me to read. It was very difficult. The treatment had affected my eyesight, leaving me with blurred vision, floaters. It’s a temporary side effect of the transplant. My vision had improved since the transplant, but was still not totally back to normal. A frustrating reminder of what I endured.

Other than that, the test drive was a success. I have to admit that when Sergio first suggested doing this, I thought it was silly. I’ve been a broadcaster for decades. But Sergio was absolutely right. There was no way I could have done a live show that day. There were too many emotions, but I felt much stronger when I left than when I arrived.

A few days later, I met George, Sam, Josh and Lara at Loi, a restaurant near my apartment. The same restaurant where I was when Dorothy called to say Momma had taken a turn for the worse. I was meeting with the gang to shoot a spot for the prime-time special about my journey with MDS. I’m always so comfortable around them. We spend a lot of time with each other away from work. Even though it had been a while since we hung out like this, it was as if no time had passed at all.

George is the quietest of the five of us. Any downtime he has, he prefers to spend with his family at home. One time I asked his wife, Ali, if George was okay with the rest of us hanging out together so much. She assured me that George had no problem with that whatsoever, and hoped that no one took it the wrong way if he didn’t always join our outings. When we are together, George fits right in, though it can be hard for him to get a word in edgewise sometimes.