Everything Carries Me to You (Axton and Leander Book 3) (19 page)

"I can't!" Leander shouted. "I fucking can't but that doesn't mean I don't care if you live or die!"

"Oh, fuck you," Sarah said, quiet now but no less furious. "Bullshit, bull fucking shit. You stopped talking to your gym buddies, the ex-girlfriends you're still friendly with, distanced yourself from your tenants. You think you might not come back from this, and yet you'll drag
me
down with you, of all people. It's not because you can't live without me. It's that you're willing to risk me. Everyone else you take out of harm's way, but oh, not
me
. Never me."

"Then go!" Leander yelled. "Fucking go if you think I don't care about what happens to you!" He struggled to his feet. He wanted to storm out of the living room, but his wheel chair was in the opposite direction he wanted to go. Fuck it. He was supposed to get on crutches soon. One of his legs was actually pretty good. He could hold on to shit and hop. Fuck finishing this conversation.

"Don't--" Sarah said.

Leander made it to the door to his bedroom before he crumbled, hissing in pain as he went down.

"Oh, no, no, no, no,
no
," Sarah said, rushing over, tearing up.

"Leave me!" Leander yelled, furious at being so helpless, at being
seen
so helpless. "Stop it!"

"You're an
idiot
," Sarah said, kneeling on the ground, hooking her arms under Leander's and half dragging him to a less painful position on the floor. "This is exactly what I mean, how you're so willing to kill yourself over this--"

"Stop," Leander asked, voice thick. "Sarah. You're right and it hurts. Stop. Please."

"--and you're just going to hurt yourself over and over again--" Sarah went on, but she lost steam and had to stop, biting her lower lip to stop the tears that were welling up.

"Shh, shh," Leander said, suddenly soft again, "don't."

"Why," Sarah croaked.

"You know I can't stand to see a pretty girl cry," Leander said, and, without thinking, he reached out and caught a tear on his thumb just as it fell.

"You're making it worse," Sarah said shakily, blinking rapidly.

All at once, the intimacy of the situation impressed itself on Leander. It was getting dark, and they were so close to each other, and he still had his fingers on her cheek, brushing tears away as they fell.

"I'm sorry," Leander said, feeling keenly how woefully inadequate that was, "for everything. I'm so sorry."

"You're not half as sorry as you should be," Sarah said, trying to not look at him.

"That's probably true," Leander said, "but I don't want to make you cry. I don't want to hurt you. I really don't. I don't want to hurt you, even indirectly, or cause you to be in harm's way."

"Well, you're doing a shit job of it," Sarah said, but her voice cracked on the joke. Her hair had come half undone, and when she bowed her head it fell over her face, spilling dark and silky over Leander's fingers. Her hair was soft and fragrant, releasing the vague scent of coconut once it escaped from the bun it had been tied in. Leander had not felt long hair like that brush against his skin in a very long time, and he tried to not think about it now.

"Sarah--" he said.

"Shut up," Sarah said. "Shut up and let me talk." She took a deep breath and looked up at him. Her dark eyes burned into his, and they were so close--

"I wish I could say I thought it was fucking bullshit, the way you're willing to risk my life for his. I really do. But I can't, Lee, I can't. I can't because I've seen how you look at him. I've seen how he looks at you. You love him. He loves you. I've been in love with you for years and you've never looked at me that way and you're never going to."

"I would have," Leander said, voice strained. "I think if Axton hadn't happened--I think that a few years more down the line I'd have looked at you and everything you are, and everything you've done for me--"

"Don't," Sarah whispered. "Don't."

His hand moved, held her jaw, fingers curled tense. It wasn't a gentle touch, but an anguished one. The romantic edge the moment had briefly shown the potential to possess was gone forever. The intimacy now was raw and emotional and painfully about someone not in the room.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry but I can't--I can't forget that he's out there. I can't forget how he made me feel."

"I know," Sarah said, breathing fast. "I know you can't. And I don't want you to. But you've never looked at anyone like that. I could feel it from across the room--everyone can. It starts at your toes and snaps up your spine and your skin bursts into goose bumps like it does when you smell ozone and lightning's about to strike. You love him."

"I do," Leander said, his voice creaking and wrecked like it would break under the weight of what he was saying, a ship about to be torn apart in a storm. "I love him so much. I can't give up trying to find him. I know it's crazy. I know it's dangerous. I know I'm risking my life and probably yours. I know exactly how much time and money and tears this has cost already. But I can't stop, Sarah, I have to try. I have to look for him until I find him, and then I have to get him back. Or die."

"What if he's happy?" Sarah pleaded. "What if he's gotten used to it?"

"He hasn't," Leander said. "He can't get used to it. If he has, then I'll leave him alone. But he hasn't. I know it."

"I love you," Sarah said, near tears. "I don't want you to fucking die, Leander. I want to help you. I want to help Axton. But this is so dangerous. Fucking with Dana is dangerous. You got hurt last time you messed with this guy. He's willing to hurt you worse."

Leander finally brought his arm around her and held her tight to his chest. Sarah's breathing was coming in uneven little hitches, but she stayed very still.

"I'm not going to die," he breathed. "I'm not. I promise."

"You can't promise that," Sarah said. "Don't lie to me. Not now or ever."

"All right," Leander said. "I'll do my damn best to not die, and you're doing your best to make sure I don't die, and we'll probably be all right in the end."

Sarah sniffled, but it was softer.

"All will be well," Leander whispered, "even if it's not. In the end, it all works out all right."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Sarah asked quietly.

"I'm kind of hoping you'll just respond to the sound of my voice, honestly," Leander said.

"Like a dog?" she asked.

"Like a dog," Leander agreed, even though his voice caught on the phrase.

She hugged him tight but then let him go to wipe her eyes.

"This is so stupid," she said, gesturing at him, herself, the room--or the world--as a whole.

"Yeah," Leander agreed.

"Okay," she said. "Just as long as you know."

"I'm sorry I yelled at you," Leander said.

"Yeah," Sarah said. "You should be."

Leander sighed and turned away.

Sarah laughed.

"What?" he said.

"Your face is doing the thing," she said. "You don't blush, but when you're really upset…your color does rise a bit."

"I'm upset with my stupid fucking busted legs," Leander said, "and my stupid busted
me
. But not at you."

"You never really are," Sarah said, "even when it seems like it. Luckily for you, when I tore my left ACL I had to be on crutches for what felt like forever, so I happen to know that suddenly limited mobility makes a person ornery."

"Do you ever think of going back to ballet?" Leander asked.

"Sometimes," she said, "not often. Maybe when all this is over."

"Yeah," Leander said, "when all this is over."

She helped him up.

First order of business: Axton went wolf in a flash and took a rabbit.

Second order of business: Change back to human while fuming impatiently.

Third order of business: Skin and butcher rabbit, because Dana didn't have the teeth for fur right now, and Axton would clock him in the face if he tried to swap shapes again.

Fourth order of business: shove rabbit into Dana's mouth in the least erotic and nurturing way possible, because his body needed the calories but Axton didn't want him getting the wrong idea.

Fifth order of business: run back to Jack's house because there was no way in hell Axton was playing nursemaid alone.

"Of
course
he took the beating meant for you," Jack snapped. "What
else
did you think was going to happen?"

But he'd already agreed to come down, and they were already on the path to Dana's house, so Axton didn't bother with a response.

By the time Axton was slamming the front door open, his scowl had deepened enough to seem permanent.

"Back so soon, baby?" Dana called out from where he was flopped out on the couch. His voice was thin and weak and the choice of words did nothing to hide it--whatever jocular braggadocio he was going for failed. No matter what he said, he sounded hurt and scared and lonely. "I know you can't stay away, but goddaaamn."

"You're too out of it for come-ons," Axton said, striding into the living room, Jack just a step or two behind him.

"Never too out of it for
you
, Sug--" Dana stopped abruptly and blinked, only just realizing that Axton wasn't alone. Jack's scent, the sound of a second pair of footfalls--he'd missed all signs.

Jack barked out an incredulous laugh at Dana's expression.

"Don't," he said, annoyed. "I know about you two."

"No, we ain't--" Dana tried.

"But you used to," Jack said.

"And you would now if I gave you the go ahead," Axton added.

"Did you tell him?" Dana asked, quiet and tense.

"No," Axton said, canting his head to the side because a small shred of sympathy writhed in his heart. Being found out was always hard.

"I can just tell," Jack said. "You're not subtle, son. Not to anyone who knows how to look."

"Do they all know?" Dana asked faintly.

"No," Axton said sharply, coming to stand by the side of the bed. "Trust me. You'd know if they did."

"Speaking from experience?" Dana breathed.

"Yeah," Axton said, matter of fact. "Now." He looked up at Jack, on the opposite side of the bed, "Triage. Does he need anything besides food and rest? You know his healing better than I do."

"He seems chatty enough," Jack pointed out. "I'm not too concerned, even if he can't stand upright."

"Leave me
be
," Dana said sulkily. "Can't a man drown his sorrows all private like?"

"You can't do this," Axton said, voice tight. "You can't mourn like this, sloppy and vulnerable."

"Why not?" Dana asked, and he touched one of the gashes in his forehead, trying to push it together, like he expected that to work. Probably it usually did.

"Because he can kill you," Axton said, low and dark as clouds before a thunderstorm. "He can come down right now and finish you off. You're far enough away that no one would know."

"Everyone would just think you ran off," Jack continued, the hard set of his mouth making his lips thin.

Weak as he was, Dana scoffed, trying and failing to hide his discomfort.

"He wouldn't dare."

"Oh, wouldn't he?" Axton asked, with an arched eyebrow.

"Just like he wouldn't dare kill your pa?" Jack said.

Dana growled, low and rumbling.

"Watch it, old man."

"I know you wonder," Jack said. "I wonder, too."

"You don't know," Dana said. "I don't know. We weren't here."

"Somebody's got to fucking know," Axton pointed out.

"We don't talk about it," Jack said, and he paused. "Even Dana and I don't talk about it. And we both know the other thinks Dru did it."

"Shut your mouth," Dana said moodily. "I haven't told you what I think."

"But you told Axton," Jack said.

"Yeah," Dana said, trying to rally and not finding anything substantial to say. "Well."

"I can't believe you lectured
me
on misplaced loyalty," Axton said. "Me, I just wanted to date a guy, celebrate anniversaries, suck his dick every morning. You're playing knight and taking orders from the man who may have very well killed your father. And then
who
gets dragged off and locked in a basement to go crazy? Who, I ask you? Me. What the fuck, Dana."

"Basement?" Jack said.

Dana and Axton made mirroring dismissive hand gestures. No time to explain. There were more pressing matters.

"The point is," Axton said, "he
might
have killed your dad. And he sure as hell doesn't mind beating on you. What's to stop him from finishing the job?"

"He's not gonna kill me," Dana said. "Why now, when he hasn't?"

"The tension's worse than it's ever been," Jack said. "Worse than I've ever seen."

"It was worse when it was fresh," Dana said. "You weren't here for that."

"But Helen was," Jack said softly. "And she's not here to protect you now. Not really."

"She's not dead!" Dana objected, immediately trying to push himself up.

Without moving anything but his arm, Axton shoved him back down.

"Someone needs to watch you until you're back up to full strength," Axton said. "In case he comes for you while you're weak."

"If you'd stop turning every five minutes," Jack said, "you'd be fine in a day."

"Metabolic cost," Axton reminded, even though that wasn't a conversation he'd had with Dana, but with Leander.

"So what, you tag team playing nurse?" Dana said. "That's obvious as shit. Dru's gonna know we're suspicious. Gonna think we're planning something."

"We're not?" Jack asked mildly. "I'd like to at least plan to plan something."

"None of us are planners," Dana said. "Literally none of us."

"I know it's obvious," Axton snapped, "but I don't know how he's going to act when I slink back up there, either. I don't know how much of a beating I can take without snapping and going for his throat."

"He's not gonna beat you," Dana said. "I got that. The fuck am I bleeding for if not?"

Axton snorted. "Excuse the shit out of me for not believing Dru doesn't break promises."