Everything Carries Me to You (Axton and Leander Book 3) (45 page)

"Sounds difficult," Axton said. "I'm not sure it's worth it."

"I'm working on it," Leander said, very seriously. He leaned in, confidential: "I have a magic touch."

Axton lost it, faux bored composure blown.

"You do," he said, and he pressed a kiss to the corner of Leander's mouth. "You do."

They were readying to disembark. Leander was below deck, maybe doing something important, maybe caressing the control panels of the boat lovingly, Axton didn't know. The easy buoyancy of the past few days was evaporating quickly. There were circles under Sarah's eyes. She did not look tired, exactly, or at least: she didn't look the type of tired that intended to rest. There was a hard set to her mouth.

Axton shied away from her as long as he could, but soon he felt drawn to her inexorably. They stood shoulder to shoulder and looked out at the ocean, not at each other.

"You're upset," he said quietly.

"No," she said shortly.

"You're upset at me," Axton specified gently.

"Yeah," she breathed. "Actually, yeah."

Axton studied the waves. Sarah stayed silent.

"Will you tell me why?" Axton asked, a full minute later.

"It doesn't matter," Sarah said, narrowing her eyes, still staring out at the sea.

"It matters to me," Axton disagreed softly.

"It does not," Sarah said. "Not nearly enough."

"Are you worried about him?" Axton dropped his eyes, looked down at her hands, how Sarah's fingers gripped the rails tightly.

"Of fucking course I'm worried about him," Sarah muttered. "I'm worried that you're going to get him killed."

Axton considered saying something reassuring, like
I won't let that happen
, or
we know what we're doing
, but he didn't want to lie.

"I'm worried, too," he said instead.

"He makes light of how bad he was hurt," Sarah said, crossing her arms over her chest now, hugging herself tight like she didn't trust Axton to do it. "He jokes. He lies, by omission. He minimizes. He changes the subject. And he healed up fantastically, better than we hoped for. But I was there, Axton, I saw him the whole time."

"I know you did," Axton said. "I'm grateful that you were there--"

"No, you
don't
know," Sarah interrupted. "You don't know what it was like. You got him back whole."

"Sarah," Axton started, "Sarah--"

"You left him broken, and you got him back whole," Sarah said.

"I know that it--"

"Shut up," she said. "God. You have no idea."

Axton turned away from the sea to look at her, though she would not look at him. This was the least of what he owed her, for taking care of the man he loved.

"Tell me?" he requested. "Please?"

"I was there," Sarah said, and her tone was even and low, and all the more terrible for it. "I stayed in the hospital and ate shitty cafeteria food and slept on a cot. Then I pushed him around in a wheelchair and I saw him frustrated to almost the point of tears about not being able to do things like he was used to. I brought in the shower chair, I had people install rails in the bath so he could transfer himself in, I rearranged things in the kitchen so he could reach them and feed himself because depending on me or anyone else to do it drove him fucking nuts. I drove him to physical therapy and follow up appointments and I saw all his x-rays and shit. I saw him fall when he pushed himself too fast and too hard. I was the one he snapped at when he was exhausted and scared. I was there. I know that it took months, just to walk again without assistance. A whole fucking year to get back to where he was, physically speaking, athletic and proud of his body as he is. And then the stupid re-injuries, the natural rush of irrational fear any time he hurt himself a little and worried that he'd somehow damaged himself again and have to get back in the chair and not be able to put on a fucking pair of jeans by himself--all of that shit. All of that shit and more. The pain meds. How he wouldn't take his pain meds. Refilling the pain meds at the pharmacy where they treat you like you must be some kind of addict. Everything, Axton. You missed it."

Axton had meant to look at her the whole time; he had meant to face her love and anger and fear wholly and without flinching. He had meant to honor her by not shying away from her pain. He could not.

"Yeah," Axton said, voice thick as he turned back to look out to sea, trying to not blink because it would disrupt the film over his eyes and make the tears fall. "I did."

"And the hell of it is," Sarah said, with a sudden rush of raw feeling, "you know what I kept thinking the whole time? Over and over again? I thought:
we're so lucky
. We're so fucking lucky that he didn't get killed, or take spinal damage or head injuries, or anything else. We're so lucky we got off easy." She finally looked over at Axton, a sideline glance under her long lashes. "
Easy
, Ax."

Axton swallowed, hard and awkward, around the rock it felt like he had in his throat.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Like there was anything easy about a whole year of healing," Sarah murmured, and then she turned to face Axton, the twist of her body slow and light as a dream.

Axton remembered that Leander had mentioned she'd been a dancer, once. He could see it now, when he hadn't before--her posture, the way she held her head, the subtle control of motion that informed all of her movements even when she was upset. She was angry, but she was beautiful and tragic, too, and Axton knew it was incredibly selfish of him what he and Leander were about to do.

"I can't," he told her. "I can't leave him now."

"He wouldn't let you anyway," Sarah said evenly. "I know."

"I wish I could tell you that if I knew what was going to happen, I'd go back in time and make sure we never met, so we wouldn't fall in love," Axton said, "so that he wouldn't get hurt. I wish I could say that so you'd think better of me. I'd think better of me, too. But I wouldn't, even if I could go back. I'd always take that chance. I'd never stay away from him. I can't."

"Oh, I know," Sarah said, and now she sounded tired, so tired. "He would, too."

"I love him," Axton said, voice soft and wretched. "Maybe that's selfish. I'm sorry."

"I believe you," Sarah said, looking at him steadily. "But it is selfish."

"What can I say?" Axton asked, sad that he had nothing to offer her, afraid that she was right.

"Say you'll bring him back to me," Sarah said sharply. "Say you'll do anything to keep him safe."

"I would die for him," Axton said. "I wouldn't hesitate."

"That would break his heart," Sarah pointed out, "so don't do that, either."

Axton smiled wanly.

"It would kill me to lose him again," Axton said, "so if there's any situation where self-sacrifice is a useful option, I might as well."

Sarah sighed.

"Why can't you guys have drama about, like, the table settings at your wedding," she said. "Why can't I help with something nice like that, instead of helping Leander concoct a stupid fucking plan where both of you might be bait."

"I don't know, probably because I'd elope instead," Axton said. "I hate big parties."

"You're joking," Sarah said dubiously. "You're joking at a time like this?"

"What else is there to do?" Axton asked.

"I love him," Sarah said.

"I know," Axton said.

"He loves you, too," Sarah said, "and it makes him heroic, which is often stupid."

"I know," Axton said, "but if anyone can strategize their way out of this--"

"Protect him from himself," Sarah said, "as much as you can."

"I promise," Axton said.

She wiped at her eyes, then, abruptly, as if on sudden impulse, she threw her arms around him.

Axton startled for a second, surprised, but then smoothed her hair down with one hand and held her to his chest.

Her body was coiled tense and tight, and Axton could feel that she had more tears in her that she was fighting furiously to not shed. She buried her face in his chest and tried to breathe softly.

"If anyone can make it, Leander can," Axton murmured. "Sarah. You know that."

"It's not
just
him I'm worried about," she admitted, shuddering with the effort of keeping her breath steady.

"You'll be safe," Axton soothed. "That's why we're dropping you off here, so--"

"Not what I meant!"

"Then--

"Oh my god, you're an
idiot
," Sarah said, but her voice was wavering and close to tears.

"Oh," Axton said, dazed.

"'Oh,'" Sarah repeated, incredulous, voice wet. "You're such an asshole."

"I can take a lot of damage," Axton told her gently. "You don't have to worry about me."

"Just because you
can
doesn't mean you should, or that I don't have to worry."

There was a polite clattering noise, as if someone was trying to apologetically announce their presence.

Leander walked out to join them, hands tucked behind his back.

"Is there anything you two would like to tell me?" he asked, in a dramatic and smoldering tone. "Axton, of all of the people to have an affair with, my personal assistant? Really?"

"It was the tummy rubs," Axton responded in a serious voice, "I couldn't resist."

Sarah pushed away from him, wiped at her eyes, and then patted Axton's abs gamely.

"How long have you been listening?" she asked Leander.

"A while," he admitted. "I was trying to wait until you two had your moment, but then I got impatient."

"It wasn't going to resolve any time soon," Sarah sighed. "So you probably made the correct decision."

"Always," Leander said.

"I'm sorry I don't have anything comforting to say," Axton finished, flickering his eyes over to Sarah's face, reaching out to touch the back of her hand briefly.

Sarah shook her head.

"I'm as comforted as I can be," she said.

"We're docking soon," Leander said. "Everyone get your things together."

"Cheer up," Leander told everyone as they disembarked, "There's still a slight chance no one cared enough to follow."

"Oh, goody," Sarah muttered, "And the Easter Bunny will be giving out Fabergé eggs at brunch, will he?"

"I'd rather get some real eggs," Axton said, "I'm hungry."

"You're
always
hungry," Leander pointed out, "But look, there's a slight chance you and I are just going on a fun roadtrip. Hope for the best, all that shit."

"Mm," Axton said, noncommittal.

"Mm," Sarah agreed.

"I'm not meant to be the optimist of the group," Leander said, "You guys. This is not my job."

"I'm just saying, maybe we should have bought more guns," Sarah said.

"What about the ones still on the boat?" Axton asked, "Like, I mean, do you guys know about those? I could smell them. I figured you knew about the cabinets in the floor, but I can't help but notice we're leaving all that behind."

"Thanks for mentioning now that we're leaving," Leander said, "Wow."

"Figures," Sarah said.

"There are
so
many guns on that boat," Axton said, a note of incredulity lurking in his voice, "You didn't know?"

Leander squinted his eyes and looked off into the distance.

"New York
may
have bought the boat from a drug dealer," Leander allowed.

They were stalling, even though the schedule didn't really allow for it.

"Well," Sarah said, and that was all. No one moved to get into their respective cars.

"This is it," Leander said, "So...say your goodbyes, kids." He nodded at Axton and Sarah.

"We already said goodbye," Sarah said, "Or at least I said my piece, on the boat..."

"It's a ship, not a boat," Leander said, for perhaps the hundredth time.

Axton stepped up, hugged her tight.

"I'll miss you," he said, "Even if we're not gone for long."

"Yeah, yeah, don't get sloppy on me," Sarah muttered, but she hugged him back."I love you, but fuck you, too."

They parted, and then everyone was standing around aimlessly again.

"All right," Leander said, "Let's go."

"No words for me?" Sarah asked wryly, her lips curling into a half smile. "Really? No goodbye?"

Leander broke the stillness by striding forward decisively. He cupped a hand around Sarah's jaw line, touch as light as the brush of butterfly wings, and then tilted her head up to look at him.

"Goodbyes are painful," Leander said simply, looking into her eyes, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "And here words are insufficient. There is nothing I can say to thank you enough. I helped you once in your time of need, but you've saved my life a thousand times since then. I trust you with all my secrets and together we build my dreams. Everything I've accomplished these past few years, I succeeded because of you. You're my best friend. Sometimes, you've been my only friend. I can only hope that I live to be a hundred, so I have a chance at repaying all the good you've done for me."

"Just come back in one piece," she said. "That's all I want. That's all that each and every one of us wants."

"I will," Leander said, and delicately, tenderly, he leaned forward and planted a kiss on her forehead. "I promise you, I will."

Sarah looked up at him with soft and adoring eyes. Axton could see that she believed. Leander could do that to people, and she trusted him so much. For a moment longer she looked at him, then dropped her eyes, touched his hand on her cheek, and stepped back.

"Good luck," she said.

Leander hustled everyone to their respective cars before the magic of the moment broke.

Of course, it wasn't goodbye all together. They called back and forth, pinging each other across the miles that stretched out between them. Leander relaxed, subtle but unmistakable, when Sarah got to the highly populated neighborhood they'd picked as her safe house.

"New York will take care of her," he told Axton. "If--you know."

"Like the city, or--?"