Everything Changes (12 page)

Carey chuckled. They’d often napped like that outside, a head pillowed on a stomach, a lap. So much better than the rocky ground, and all the guys did it.

“I fell asleep too, and then that fucking Gomez came by and accidentally on purpose spilled his canteen on us. Prick.”

They laughed quietly. Pretty much everyone had called Gomez “that fucking Gomez.” He was the guy who always had a joke, a one-liner. He was hilarious, the life of the party, had a gift for easing any tension in just the right way. He’d also died in the attack that had injured Carey.

“Jase, did you know that Gomez’s wife visited me in the hospital?”

Jase lifted his head from Carey’s shoulder. His face was a little more relaxed, though his eyes still looked haunted. He shook his head silently.

“She did. I woke up one afternoon and she was there. Fuck, I didn’t even know that he’d—” Carey swallowed hard. When he’d seen Mira’s haggard face, he knew immediately without even having to be told.

“What did she say?”

“Landon—you remember him? He was there at Walter Reed too. Apparently he told her that Gomez was with me on duty when the attack started. She wanted to know how that last hour or so of his life was, what we talked about, what he said.” Carey grew quiet.

“What did you say?” Jase’s voice was hushed.

“I—lied. How could I tell this grieving widow that I didn’t fucking remember anything about her husband’s last moments? She looked so… hopeful that I could tell her something, anything about him.” Carey’s voice was strained. “So I made up this entire fucking imaginary conversation between me and Gomez, told her that he talked about her, their kids, how much he couldn’t wait to be home. I told her that he made me laugh over and over doing impressions of LT and Sarge—” His voice cut off as he choked up.

“You did the right thing, Carey,” Jase said quietly. Carey was ashamed of himself for bringing up this topic; now Jase was having to comfort
him
, and that was the last thing Carey wanted. He made an effort to pull himself together.

“It seemed to satisfy her. Then she—oh my God, she mentioned you, Jase. I’m such an asshole. I completely forgot about this. Oh, Jase.” Carey felt himself choking up again for an entirely different reason.

“What?” Jase looked alarmed.

“No, no, it’s good. She said that Landon had told her how hard you tried to save Gomez, that after you had me stabilized you took over for another corpsman and you worked over him for a long time.”

Jase’s face grew shadowed. “He was pretty much gone when I took over, Carey. He still had a heartbeat, but it was so weak and thready that there was no way he was getting any oxygen to his brain. It just took me a little longer to accept that and give up, that’s all.”

“But Jase, she said for me to tell you ‘thank you’ for working so hard to save her Juan’s life, that she thanks God every day that he sent a hero like you to help her husband. That even if God took him home after all, she knows you did the best you could.”

Jase closed his eyes, and after a moment, a single tear tracked its way down his cheek.

“Jase,” Carey said shakily. “I’m so fucking sorry that I never told you about that. I’m such a—I’m such a selfish asshole.”

Jase wiped his cheek impatiently. “You’re
not
a selfish asshole! Stop saying that! You told me now, and that’s all that matters. And yes, it helps to know that she doesn’t hate me for not being able to save her husband. It’s one of those irrational fears I have, that the families of these guys hate me for not doing more, that now they’re just memories while I’m home safe.”

“Just like you thought that maybe deep down I hated you for not being able to save my leg?” Carey asked gently. “And yes, I’m selfish, Jase. Maybe I had a good excuse for being a self-centered prick, but the fact remains that I should have told you a long time ago about Mira, and I should have known that you needed to hear from me that I’m glad you saved my life. Hell, I counsel wounded vets for a living, and I know that you needed to hear that to help with your own recovery. You’re the most important person in my life, and I didn’t make sure you got what you needed, Jase. I’m so sorry.”

“But I’m not wounded, Carey,” Jase said wanly. “I’m just weak.”

Carey took Jase’s face in his hands and looked him straight in the eyes. “In war, there are no unwounded soldiers, Jase.”

Jase closed his eyes.

“No, look at me.” Carey waited until Jase complied, and then he said, “You’re not weak. Something happened to you. You went to war and you saw terrible things. That happened
to
you. You’re not weak. You are the strongest man I know.”

He pulled Jase close again. “Let’s just get through today, okay?” he whispered.

He smiled as he heard Jase whisper back, “One day at a time.”

C
AREY
WOKE
up slowly, disoriented for a moment. He knew he was at Jase’s house, but where was… oh, right. After Jase’s combat stress flashback and ensuing anxiety attack and the emotional storm that followed, Carey hadn’t felt right leaving Jase alone, but both of them needed sleep desperately. Carey had lifted Jase’s chin so he could look into his eyes and said, “Hey, squid, let’s dog pile, yeah?”

When they were back in Afghanistan, some nights when the threat level was high for incoming RPGs, the unit would dig foxholes for safety and sleep in them. Even in the desert, the nights could get brutally cold, and the only way to get a decent night’s sleep was to try to share body heat. Two, sometimes even three Marines would huddle together in a foxhole, pretty much spooning to try to keep warm enough to sleep. Jase and Carey had done it several times, and not only had they kept each other warm, they silently drew comfort from the human contact.

The night before, Carey’s suggestion to dog pile was met with a weak smile and a nod, and Jase had stood up wearily and pulled Carey upright, helping him lean against the wall. He had picked up Carey’s prosthetic and tucked it under his arm, bringing his other arm around Carey’s waist as they made their way slowly to Jase’s bedroom.

After getting situated, using the bathroom and getting teeth brushed, they’d lain down fully clothed on top of the covers on Jase’s bed, and Carey had pulled Jase into his arms, his back to Carey’s front, spooning. After a little bit of wrestling around to get comfortable, Carey sticking a pillow between his knees to cushion his stump, they drifted off into an exhausted sleep.

Now Carey realized sometime during the night Jase had rolled to his back, and Carey found himself half-sprawled on Jase’s chest, his head tucked under Jase’s chin. Carey’s T-shirt had rucked up while they slept, and Jase’s hand was resting in the small of Carey’s back, directly on his naked skin. Carey was warm and comfortable, and he had no desire to move. For some reason this felt right, and he was tired of fighting it. He cared about Jase deeply… and he couldn’t deny it anymore. A sexual attraction had grown from that and had been present for a long time.

After a few minutes, he couldn’t help himself, and he raised his head carefully, lifting his eyes to Jase’s face, and he felt a rush of emotion go through him when he saw how peaceful he looked in sleep. Jase’s lips were slightly parted, and his long lashes brushed his cheeks. Carey never wanted to see again the pinched, haunted look he’d seen on Jase’s face last night, and he felt sorrow and regret well up at the thought of how he’d never bothered to simply thank Jase for saving his damn life.

Some hair had fallen over Jase’s forehead, and Carey reached up and brushed it away, murmuring, “Jase.”

Jase came awake slowly, his eyes dazed with sleep and confusion, and then they sharpened as memory returned. His hand tightened on Carey’s back, pulling him closer, his fingers brushing back and forth over the warm skin.

“Hey,” he whispered, searching Carey’s eyes with his own. Carey smiled at him, letting what he was feeling soften his gaze. Jase caught his breath, his expression turning questioning. Carey pushed up on one elbow and leaned in, letting his lips feather across Jase’s.

“Morning,” he whispered back, kissing Jase again, a little more firmly this time, parting his lips slightly and letting Jase feel the dampness, the moisture.

Jase grazed his fingers farther up Carey’s back under his shirt, almost tentatively, as if expecting to be rebuffed, as his mouth yielded under Carey’s. Carey arched against him slightly, a soft hum in the back of his throat.

Jase groaned, bringing his free hand up to cup the back of Carey’s head as he allowed Carey to deepen the kiss further. They parted their lips and pressed them back together over and over, their breathing growing rough as desire ratcheted up. Carey was achingly hard, and he pressed his cock against Jase’s thigh, letting him feel it.

Jase broke the kiss and cupped Carey’s cheeks with his hands. “Carey, what….”

“I want you, Jase,” Carey said simply. “I’m tired of fighting it, and so I’m not going to anymore.”

The confusion in Jase’s eyes was fucking adorable, and Carey leaned down to kiss him again just as Jase said, “Fighting it?”

The words ended up muffled against Carey’s mouth, and they kissed passionately. It had turned from tentative to deep and wet and hot. Carey was awash in desire, and when Jase suddenly flipped him to his back and loomed over him, he wrapped his leg around Jase’s hips and arched into him invitingly.

“Yeah, fighting it for a long time now.” He smiled at Jase’s thunderstruck look. “I’m pretty much a dumbass,” he admitted, delving his fingertips under Jase’s T-shirt and pushing it up, smoothing his palms over the muscles in Jase’s back as he went, reveling in finally being able to touch him.

“Carey, have you ever—”

“Slept with a man before? Nope. You’re my first, and I can’t imagine that you wouldn’t be my only,” Carey said drily. “I’m not gay, and I’ve never been attracted to another man before. Ever.” He lifted up and peppered kisses across Jase’s cheeks as he murmured, “But I’m attracted to
you
, and I want you. I want you to show me what it’s like to be with you.” Sudden anxiety gripped him. “Oh my God, do you even feel the same? Jesus, did I just make a huge fool of myself here?”

“Oh fuck,” Jase moaned, coming down fully over Carey, letting his body weight press Carey deep into the mattress. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted this, wanted you.” The truth of it was there in his eyes, the heat that burned there.

“I trust you. Show me,” Carey whispered. Jase pushed off of Carey and sat up, stripping his T-shirt and helping Carey with his. He lay back down on the pillows and gently helped Carey roll on top of him.

“I think this will be more comfortable for you,” Jase said, his fingertips brushing Carey’s stump lightly.

“I’m not gonna break, Jase,” Carey laughed. “I’m tough.”

“I know you are,” Jase said, his gaze suddenly turning into a leer. “I just want to be able to let my hands roam wherever they want, touch whatever they want. Oh God, I can’t believe this is happening.” Jase swept his palms up and down Carey’s bare back, digging his fingers in before cupping Carey’s ass and squeezing, rocking their hips together, causing them both to groan. Jase brought one of his hands up to thread through Carey’s hair, pulling him into a kiss, rough and passionate, their lips, teeth, and tongues clashing.

They kissed for endless minutes until their breathing was raspy and their cocks rock hard as they pushed against each other. Jase pulled away, and Carey groaned at the sight of his mouth, swollen, moist, and red. He had a sudden desire to see that mouth encircling his cock, and he gritted his teeth as his erection pulsed, dampening the front of his underwear. Jase gave him a knowing look, then skimmed his hand between their bodies and cupped Carey’s cock over his cargo shorts, squeezing.

Carey hissed, “Jesus, Jase.” Jase laughed low in his throat, moving his hand down to fondle Carey’s balls, the other hand pulling Carey’s head back down for another kiss.

“So hard for me,” he rasped against Carey’s lips. “So sexy.”

“I need more, Jase,” Carey moaned, circling his hips into the touch, rubbing himself against it. “God, that feels good.”

“Got plenty more for you, Carey,” Jase shushed him. “But we can’t fuck, not this time.”

“What?” Carey couldn’t help the disappointment that swept through him, and Jase quirked his lips, a pleased expression on his face.

“I love it that you’re so eager, that you want me so much. Damn, I love it. But I don’t have any condoms here at the house. They’re all in my locker at the club.” He winced, and Carey shook his head at the implication that the only intimacy that Jase had in his life was by fucking groupies.

“Damn, Jase, how long has it been since you’ve had anybody over here, anybody special?”

“I can’t remember the last time,” Jase admitted. “It just seems like too much work when I can get what I want pretty easily at my gigs.”

“Jayden?” Carey guessed.

“Yeah, among others,” Jase said. “I have a couple of regulars: Jayden and a girl named Starlah. They come to a lot of the shows, and it’s just sex, mostly blowjobs, stuff like that. It doesn’t mean anything, but we’re mutually satisfied.”

“That’s actually—kind of sad. Don’t you ever want more, Jase?” Carey was honestly curious, and he forgot the demands of his cock for a moment and propped himself up on one elbow, looking into Jase’s face. Jase wouldn’t meet his gaze, his own tracking to a spot on the far wall. For a minute Carey thought he wouldn’t answer, but then Jase said almost sadly, “Yes. Often. But I didn’t think it was in the cards for me.”

“Why? You’re funny, talented, loyal, and kind. Not to mention pretty fucking hot,” Carey said teasingly, brushing hair off of Jase’s forehead again. “You’re a catch, dude. Accept it.”

Jase looked at Carey enigmatically for a second before his face broke into a smile. “Yeah, I am. But so far I haven’t wanted to be caught, I guess. The right net hasn’t been cast, and I’m too slippery.” Carey rolled his eyes at the lameness of that, and Jase grabbed him again, pushing him onto to his back while they laughed, lips glancing off each other, stroking their hands lazily over as much skin as they could reach. Carey marveled again at how right this felt, how easy.