Exhale (6 page)

Derek cut a right at the traffic light and it dawned on me that I had no idea where we were going or what we were doing. Not that it mattered, really.

“So…what are we going to do?” I asked once he turned down Edgemont Street, risking a glance in his direction.

His eyes shifted from the road for a split second to look at me, that shy, little boy smile twisting the corners of his lips. “Are you hungry? I was thinking maybe we could go to Skullies, if you want to I mean.”

I thought for a moment before answering. Skullies was a little seafood shack down on the beach. It wasn’t five-star dining by any means, but they had the best crab cakes and hush puppies I had ever tasted. It had always been Derek’s favorite place to eat, too. He loved their fish tacos.

“Sure,” I shrugged. “I guess I could eat, if they’re open.”

“Good, because I’m starved.” He chuckled with relief. “And I don’t think they close until eleven, but we’ll see when we get there.”

With the music turned down low and the cool night air caressing against my skin as we drove down to the beach, I slowly began to relax and the giant knots that had formed in my stomach eventually began to loosen. Derek stopped the Jeep in the middle of an empty gravel parking lot outside of Skullies and my mouth grew dry as those knots twisted together once more in the pit of my stomach, only this time they were much larger.

Derek and I had never been to a place to eat alone before. There was always someone with us—whether it was Kyle, or Missy, our parents, or any of our other friends—we were never alone. This was a different feeling entirely.

We climbed out and walked across the parking lot, then weaved our way through the empty mass of tables and chairs, making our way toward the covered area with the sign that read: Order Here. I was hyper-aware the entire walk of where Derek’s hands were and whether or not he snuck a glance at me.  He did. Twice. His lips had twisted into a crooked grin and from the light of the lampposts illuminating the parking lot, I thought I saw a pink tint flush his cheeks.

After placing our orders, Derek paid for our meals and we sat at the furthest table from the shack.  There was little to no light, but the moon was big and bright, hanging low in the sky and gave us just enough to see by. I stared at it as I dipped a hush puppy in some ketchup, watching how the reflection of the moon glittered brightly across the dark waters of the ocean. A million questions rolled through my mind as I stared out at the churning waters. Out of all of them, one remained playing on repeat.

“Why the sudden change?” I blurted out without realizing that I had spoken aloud until it was too late.

“What sudden change?” Derek asked, his eyes suddenly becoming fixated on the Styrofoam cup in his hand, letting me know he knew exactly what I was talking about, but was going to force me to clarify.

“This,” I gestured between the two of us, unsure of how to say what we were, where we were going, what we were doing eating at this hour alone, and afraid to be the first to put a label on it. “The kiss…all of it, I guess.”

“It wasn’t a sudden change,” Derek admitted bluntly. “Not for me.”

I scrunched my eyebrows together and tilted my head to the side as I continued to stare at him. Did he mean what I thought he meant? “It wasn't?”

“I guess this is when I tell you that I’ve had a crush on you since fifth grade, huh?” He laughed playfully, but all I saw reflected in his expression was pure nervousness.

“Fifth grade?” I repeated, thinking back to fifth grade and wondering what moment it was that I had missed. Nothing came to mind. How could he have liked me longer than I’d liked him and I hadn’t even noticed? It wasn’t possible, was it?

Derek took in a deep breath and then exhaled slowly. “It was our first school dance…the Sweetheart Dance, remember? All of us were so nervous that I don’t think a single person asked someone to go with them. At least I didn’t. No one I knew did. We all just kind of went together as one big group.” He fidgeted with the straw in his cup for a moment before continuing. “There were a few girls I wanted to ask, but I was scared of rejection and so I never did.” He paused, taking a sip of his drink. I remembered that dance, but nothing significant involving him stood out to me, only Kyle.  Derek’s eyes locked on mine suddenly. “I remember you had on this cute little pink dress and that your mom had curled your hair into shiny, golden ringlets. I thought you looked like an angel, but you thought she’d gone over the top and hated everything about that outfit and your hair.”

I laughed in remembrance. “Oh, my God, I remember that! I thought I looked like freaking Goldilocks!”

“I remember you saying that.” Derek nodded. “Anyway, I wanted to ask you to dance, but I was too nervous. Even now just thinking about it, remembering how I felt, my palms are getting all sweaty.” He chuckled and rubbed his hands together. “I could never work up the courage that night to ask you to dance, but Kyle did. I sat on the bleachers watching the two of you—him pulling on your ringlets and you laughing—feeling so jealous, it made me sick to my stomach. It was the first time I’d ever felt that way about you…and it sucked.” He stopped talking then, seeming lost in thought, like he was reliving the entire moment again.

I swallowed as a memory looped through my mind. “I remember that, or something about it. You told us you were sick and I asked you what was wrong. You never answered me, but you called your mom to come pick you up.”

He ran his hand through his hair. “Yeah well, it wasn’t a total lie, I was kind of sick feeling.”

I stared at the remnants of my food, wondering how I could have possibly missed something like this for so long. Derek shifted in his seat, bumping his knee against mine. I smirked and lifted my gaze to meet his eyes, they smoldered with intensity. My thoughts went fuzzy and my stomach flip-flopped just as he leaned in to kiss me, cupping my face gently with his fingertips. My hands grew restless in my lap as his proceeded to trail softly along with my jawline and down my neck, until stopping just beneath my shirt and lightly grazing my collarbone. I exhaled sharply from the touch. We’d crossed a line when Derek had first kissed me at Missy’s house, and now we were crossing another by touching like this, by giving into desires I had only fantasized about. Each soft brush of his fingertips against my skin sent tingles of anticipation throughout me and I shivered with warmth. I adjusted my posture, hoping his hand would slip down further beneath the edges of my shirt, but it didn't.

Instead, Derek broke the kiss and moved his mouth to my ear. “We need to stop,” he whispered, his heavy breathing making that be the last thing that I wanted to do in the moment.

I kept my eyes closed and peppered kisses along his jawline. “Why?”

“Because it’s getting awfully close to curfew. You’re probably going to be late and I should really take you back to your car so you’re not too late.” His hands cupped my face once more, as he stilled my movements to press his lips to mine for one final, heated kiss. He pulled away and put his forehead to mine. “Why did I wait so long to do that the first time?”

“I’ve been wondering the same thing.” I smiled.

We dumped our trash and held hands as we walked back to Derek’s Jeep.  The ride back to
Move Night
was too short; our goodnight kiss too bittersweet, and the ride home alone in my car was too long.

CHAPTER SEVEN

The next afternoon was spent the same as every other afternoon of my summer so far—at least the ones when I didn’t work—at the beach, my favorite place. There were two beaches in our tiny town of Dansburke, North Carolina—at least that’s what they told all the tourists. If you’re a local, though, you know that it’s just one beach separated by a little stretch of land that has surf shops, smoothie shacks, and souvenir stores. It was South Beach that I loved the most, because it was the beach closest to Skullies and Skullies was my favorite place now for more reasons than just the best crab cakes and hush puppies in town—it was also the place where Derek and I had our first date.

“God, would you just look at her! I want a tattoo, but even I know better than to get a tramp stamp across my lower back,” Missy said, shaking her head as she laid out her sea green beach towel. “It’s just trashy.”

I tried to follow her irritated gaze, but couldn’t figure out who she was looking at. Peeling off my tank top, I adjusted the triangles of my bikini top, making sure nothing was showing that shouldn’t be, and glanced around once more. “Who are you even talking about?”

“Are you serious?” she scoffed, running a thick line of sunblock down her arm to rub in. “Holly Hooker, who else?”

“Oh,” I glanced around until I found her, she was a good distance away from us, talking and laughing with a group of people, I didn’t really know. Holly was gorgeous, that was the only reason Missy hated her—that and she'd dated Missy’s I-just-can't-live-without-him, he's-my-soul-mate, ultimate crush, Blake Dover, our freshman year. Holly was tall and tan with long, dark hair and a curvy figure. Her looks were natural, too. There was no fake-and-bake tanning, no bottle-blonde highlights, and no mask of makeup painted on. She was just naturally pretty. And her last name was not Hooker, it was Booker.

“Look at that, I mean what
is
it…some tribal tattoo or something? It isn’t even pretty,” Missy said, her voice laced with disgust as she continued lathering sunblock all over her exposed skin.

I shimmied out of my shorts and squinted my eyes against the sunlight to get a better look. “I think it’s flowers or something.”

“Either way, I don’t like it,” Missy said flatly, wiping her greasy hands on the edge of her towel and piling her blonde curls on top of her head once more.

I thought it was cute, but didn’t say so. One thing I had learned a long time ago about being Missy's friend, was that you had to learn which battles to pick and which ones were just not worth it. This one was just not worth it.

I spread out on my towel, closed my eyes, and allowed the sun to kiss my skin. Missy continued talking, but I’d long ago blocked her out. I was stuck between that place where you’re asleep but you’re not. Where you can hear everything going on around you and your body is so rested and relaxed that it tricks you into thinking you’re asleep. This state is pure bliss. Missy’s chatter died down to utter silence suddenly, just before I heard her inhale sharply. Curiosity swam through my mind and I fought with myself internally as to whether or not I should open my eyes to see what had caught her attention, fearful it was something about Holly Booker again.

“Quick, make yourself look sexier. Here comes lover boy,” Missy whispered, jump-starting my heart. “I’ve been meaning to ask you something. Since it’s Derek that you want and not Kyle…would you mind if I attempted to take Kyle off your hands?”

I sat up and leaned back against my palms, stretching my legs out in front of me. I struggled to act natural while I searched for Derek. “What are you talking about?”

“Well, you and Derek aren’t going to be able to hide what’s between the two of you for long, and when Kyle finds out, he’s going to be all depressed…so
hello
, I’m asking to be the one who helps him through his
difficult time
.” She winked and flashed me a wicked grin.

I spotted Derek and Kyle down the beach a little ways walking with a group of guys I recognized from school, tossing a football back and forth between the five of them. They hadn’t noticed us yet; eagle-eyed Missy must have spotted them way down the beach.

“Umm, I guess.” I shrugged my shoulder to appear nonchalant, but my stomach was really churning. I didn’t want to think about Kyle being hurt by Derek and me being together, but I also didn’t want to think about my best friend trying to take advantage of Kyle during that time either. It seemed twisted. “I don’t know. I mean it’s up to you.”

“I bet I can make him forget all about you,” Missy said, practically mind-fucking him as he strolled closer to where we sat, oblivious to our conversation.

My jaw slacked at her bold choice of words. I had never been jealous or envious of the girls that Kyle had flirted with, draped his arms over their shoulders, or slept with—but for whatever reason, I sat there feeling more jealous and irked than ever by the fact that Missy was going to try to get in Kyle’s pants. Kyle wasn’t mine. We’d never dated. We’d never kissed. Nothing. We were just friends. So why this bothered me so much, I couldn’t say. I just knew that it did.

“Look away,” Missy slapped my thigh. “Pretend we didn’t notice them at all.”

I licked my lips and turned my head, thankful for the oversized sunglasses I was wearing, because they hid my heated gaze from Missy’s view perfectly. I swallowed hard and hung my head back, trying to shake the burning sensation that was scorching my insides suddenly. What was wrong with me?

I liked Derek. I loved Derek. I knew this.

My stomach flamed even more, this time though, it was directed at myself. I was just beginning to realize how twisted I was for still wanting Kyle to like me in a lustful way, even though I only had those feelings for his brother, when I noticed something heading directly toward us from my peripheral vision. A tanned, sculpted body snagged it from midair and landed with a thud right between Missy and me.

“Oh, my God!” Missy shrieked all flirty like and then giggled. I knew what she was doing instantly, that she was flipping her flirty switch on, and I was surprised at the feelings it stirred within me. I told myself that it didn't matter, that I didn't care what happened between Missy and Kyle, but my stomach told me I was lying.