Experiencing God at Home (29 page)

Parents whose children have rejected their faith and standards may continually rehearse in their minds what they did and said to their children that resulted in such disappointment. Some children may use their parents’ past mistakes as a club to punish or manipulate them. The truth is:
no
parents are perfect (even if they claim to be!). We
all
make mistakes we would dearly love to take back. But while we ought to strive to learn from our shortcomings, it is impossible for even the most repentant parents to alter the past. You can rehearse those angry words you spoke to your daughter a thousand times, but you cannot retrieve them. You can wish with all your heart that you had been home more when your children were younger, but the past is now cast in granite.

The apostle Paul was no stranger to regret. He had participated in the brutally unjust murder of Stephen. Yet no amount of remorse or apologies could bring the godly deacon back from the dead. What Paul could do was “[forget] those things which are behind and [reach] forward to those things which are ahead” (Phil. 3:13). One of the great promises of Scripture is this: “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us” (Ps. 103:12). God is not the author of perpetual guilt trips! His heart delights in setting people free (John 8:32)! You won’t help your children by beating yourself up over the past! Seek God with all of your heart today, receive His forgiveness for every one of your shortcomings, then allow Him to guide you and your family into His perfect will tomorrow.

2. Giving Up

A second mistake many parents make is to give up. Parents can grow discouraged after all their effort leads to failure. Despite attending countless ball games and music recitals, as well as making innumerable trips to the school, church, and doctor, their child responds by rebelling. Some parents are so disappointed at how their children are behaving that they resign themselves to perpetual defeat, disappointment, and grief. Others grimly accept their fate and proclaim, “I guess they have to sow their wild oats,” as if it were inevitable that their child would reject Christian values. Such parents batten down the hatches and prepare to ride out the domestic storm.

This, however, is not an acceptable response. Parents are often their child’s last line of defense. They can’t afford to give up. Our response to wayward children ought to be like that of our heavenly Father who declared: “How can I give you up, Ephraim? How can I hand you over, Israel? How can I make you like Admah? How can I set you like Zeboiim? My heart churns within me; My sympathy is stirred” (Hos. 11:8). God
never
gives up! Parents must continue to believe what the apostle Paul said when he claimed: “Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it” (Phil. 1:6). Parents must cling to the “good work” God began in their children at an earlier age and continue to believe He will one day bring that work to fruition. When your parents give up on you, you are in a miserable state indeed. Refuse to surrender hope that God can reclaim your children, regardless of how far away they appear to be at the moment.

3. Suffering in Silence

A third mistake parents make when their family gets off track is to treat the problem as strictly a private affair. Some parents are deeply ashamed of their children’s behavior. As a result they refuse to inform their friends or fellow church members about what is happening in their home. Though their child is acting promiscuously, experimenting with drugs, or flunking classes at school, the parents grimly put on their “game face” at church and respond with “Great!” whenever friends ask how their family is doing. Consequently, these grieving parents suffer alone.

While it may be difficult for you to talk in public about something so painful, you cannot allow pride to hinder you from enlisting support for your wayward child. The apostle James instructed the early church, saying: “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16). James knew that people are reluctant to admit their mistakes or to confess their sins. Yet he understood that confession was the pathway to healing. At times, parents refuse to admit they have a problem. They worry people will think less of them if they learn they failed to raise their children to be godly. Yet by refusing to acknowledge their struggle, they prevent friends from walking with them and praying for them. In the remainder of James 5:16, the apostle makes the famous claim: “The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.” Scripture’s promise for effective prayer follows a command to confess our shortcomings. By admitting our need, we open ourselves up to the effective prayers of righteous people. If you are allowing pride to rob your children of the intercession they could be receiving, ask God to relieve you of your concern for others’ opinions and immediately enlist everyone you can to pray for your children.

We both went through seasons of parenting when we had a child who was struggling with life issues. When that happened, we weren’t shy about asking people to pray for them. We were sensitive to our child’s privacy; people didn’t need to know every detail of their problems. But people did need to know our child was experiencing difficulty and needed prayer and encouragement. During one difficult season in his son’s life, Richard was a seminary president. Richard asked some of the seminary students to pray for his son. It was humbling for a seminary president to admit to his students that his family had problems and his son needed prayer, but Richard didn’t care. What mattered was not what people thought about him but that his son received help.

Refusing to suffer in silence also means we actively seek help and advice from others. It is astounding how many parents carry the burden of prodigal children in silence rather than seeking advice and counsel from others. Unfortunately, this often occurs in churches. Some families are being torn asunder by heartache, arguments, and rebellion. In the same congregation are other families that are seeing their children grow into godly young adults. You would think that the parents whose families were struggling would fervently seek counsel from the parents who were experiencing success, but rarely does that happen. Normally, struggling parents assume their situation is different from those whose children are doing well. (We have often been told that we are “lucky” our children turned out so well.) Or, they feel too humiliated to ask for parenting advice. So, they suffer in silence and never benefit from the advice or encouragement they might have received.

Can we encourage you at this point? Parenting is one of the most challenging of human endeavors. We will most certainly make mistakes. Yet, if God has entrusted you with children, He has granted you a high calling. You cannot give up. God is an expert in handling “impossible” situations! Let Him guide you, one day at a time, until He moves your family from where it is now, to where He wants it to be. Be willing to do whatever it takes in order to be the best parent possible. Trust Him. It’s worth it.

Getting Your Family Back on Track

Every family is susceptible to getting off track. Even the healthiest of families can gradually succumb to bad habits or unhealthy relationships. While some issues only require minor tweaking in order for families to return to health, others necessitate a major overhaul. Whether your family is miles away from where it needs to be, or only a matter of inches, we’d suggest the following process.

1. Look in the Mirror

When our children begin to struggle, our first instinct may be to don our superhero costume and dash to the rescue. Yet, the most important response we can make is to retreat to our prayer closet and cry out to God. The truth is that if our own walk with God is unhealthy, we will be unable to extend to our children the help they need. Our challenge is that when our children experience difficulty, we tend to focus on their issues, not ours. If our child is using drugs or failing school, it can seem like an unnecessary diversion to invest prolonged sessions in our own prayer times and Bible study. But that is precisely when we need to care for our own walk with God more than ever. We must be able to clearly hear from God when our family is struggling. Likewise, if one of our children is stumbling in his walk with God, we can’t afford to allow hypocrisy into our life. It would be horrific if carelessness in our walk with God were contributing to our children’s apostasy. So, if we sense that one of our children is experiencing difficulty, we should immediately take time alone with God to ensure that our walk with Him is up to date and unhindered by sin (Ps. 17:1). That way our prayers, words, and example can be used by God to turn our child back to health and godliness.

2. Get on the Same Page As Your Spouse

The second place to check when our children are struggling is our marriage. “Divide and conquer” has traditionally been one of the fundamental stratagems for winning a battle. General George Custer gained notoriety not for winning but for being defeated. On June 25, 1876, he and his two hundred troopers were surrounded by more than four thousand Sioux warriors at Little Big Horn, and they were cut down to a man. Few generals have become so famous in defeat! Ever since, historians have questioned whether Custer’s massacre was avoidable. When Custer and his Seventh Cavalry were dispatched from the main army on June 22 to search for the enemy, Custer declined the use of Gatling guns because he feared they would slow him down!

On the day of the battle, the commander divided his 655 men into three groups, taking only one-third himself. All 231 men died with Custer at his famous “last stand.” While the size of the enemy was unprecedented, most military experts believe that had Custer kept his forces united, he would not have suffered catastrophe. A concentration of 655 troopers on the open plain was a formidable force in those days. Divided and cut off from each other, they became easy prey. Custer’s last stand, while heroic, was largely unnecessary.

When your children experience difficulty in their lives, it is crucial that you and your spouse make a united stand. This is a time for parents to share the same goals for their children. Parents must agree on their expectations and standards. Most couples have one parent who is “softer” than the other. Every child who wants money from a parent knows which one to request it from! Children instinctively recognize which parent is more lenient or gullible or softhearted, and they will shamelessly use that knowledge to their advantage. Even couples who have experienced divorce can still agree on what approach is best for their children.

When children struggle in the home, it often causes intense pressure on marriages. Again, it can seem like a diversion for couples to work on their marriage while their children are floundering, but it is critical that parents have the most robust marriage relationship possible when dealing with struggling children. Rebellious children can bring great pain to parents and can create fissures that harm or even end marriages. Parents must close ranks and be of one heart and mind if they want to be a part of God’s solution in their children’s lives.

3. Evaluate the Condition of Your Family

This may appear self-evident, but it is surprising how many parents fail to properly diagnose the spiritual and emotional health of their family. This has been one of the downfalls of many of the Bible’s greatest heroes. Perhaps Noah assumed that after having been saved from a cataclysmic flood, his sons would all walk closely with the Lord. Yet, his son Ham humiliated him and was estranged the remainder of Noah’s life (Gen. 9:18–25). Isaac may have assumed his household was devoted to God’s ways in light of their spiritual heritage. Yet, his family was torn asunder by plotting and intrigue (Gen. 27). Jacob might have believed each of his twelve sons embraced their spiritual calling, yet ten of them betrayed their brother and then lied to their father about what they had done (Gen. 37:12–36). Any physician knows that the proper treatment for any illness hinges on an accurate diagnosis. We cannot develop healthy families if we do not recognize when disease is present.

Here are some examples of improper diagnoses:

• A child is constantly experiencing conflict with his peers; yet his parents always blame the other children for instigating the problem.
  
• A child is extremely attention seeking; yet his parents think it is cute.
  
• A teenager is obsessed with people of the opposite sex; yet her parents assume this is normal adolescent behavior.
  
• A child throws tantrums every time he does not get his way so the parents inevitably yield to the little tyrant’s demands.
  
• The youth minister alerts parents of concern he has over their child’s behavior. The parents are offended and pull their child out of the youth group.
  
• A teenager refuses to attend church or talk about religious issues. The parents assume she’ll eventually come around.
  
• The “good” kids at church become cautious of one of the teenagers. Rather than finding out what his problem is, the parents complain that the youth group is filled with cliques.
  

In each case, though the parents truly love their child, they do not recognize the fundamental problem. Certainly there may be a multiplicity of issues involved, but wise parents determine the root cause. For example, when Richard’s sons were teenagers, they were betrayed by one of the other boys in their youth group. During a sleepover, the boys shared some confidential information with one another. At the first opportunity, this youth sought to ingratiate himself with the girls of the youth group by divulging every embarrassing tidbit he had heard. Needless to say, his companions were mortified and disinclined to extend their betrayer an invitation to the next sleepover. When the youth’s parents discovered that their son was being left off people’s guest list, they complained about the exclusivity of the youth group.

Certainly the youth should have forgiven him. But the boy’s parents never encouraged their son to apologize. They didn’t help him learn social skills in getting along with other boys or the importance of keeping a confidence. The parents assumed the primary problem was that there was an “in” group among the youth, and their cherubic son was being excluded.