Exposing ELE (ELE Series #3) (8 page)

That night I end up falling into a dark and dreamless sleep, holding onto Tony for dear life.

Nothingness. That's what I feel right now. I guess it's better than anything else is on a day like today.

Claire brought me up a long black dress.
She stands behind me, twisting my hair into a bun. She places tiny pieces of baby’s breath she found in the garden sporadically through my hair. I don’t recognize the person staring back at me… that person who looks so haunted. My eyes have become shrunken and hollow, my skin looks pasty white. It's obvious that my body is lacking in sustenance. I haven't eaten since who knows when.

It was only yesterday that my mother died.
Out here, they bury the bodies quick. They buried the rest of the lost ones last night and waited till the morning for my mom. You can feel the tension that lies in the air from all the people who have lost their leader.

I look through my peripheral vision at my little brother lying on my bed. I stifle a sob as I remember my dad and me telling Sebastian what happened early this morning. My memory of it is fresh and I can still see his cherub cheeks stained with tears. His little eyes turned bloodshot.
His curls stuck to his forehead. He dropped to the floor and screamed if anyone tried to touch him. He exhausted himself so much that he fell asleep in the bed next to me, clenching my mother’s old sweater. Even now, dried tears cling to his face and every now and then, he whimpers “Mommy,” in his sleep.

Claire places the last clip in my hair and gives my arms a tender touch.
“Thank you Claire,” I manage to say, although my voice is noticeably hoarse.

“Not a problem,” she replies back to me.
Claire looks down at her watch. “We only have a few more minutes. It’s probably time to head downstairs.”

I give her a slight nod and stand to my feet.
I pick up Sebastian gently in my arms. His little eyes flutter open and he asks for mommy. I purse my lips and shake my head. “Mommy’s gone, baby. Mommy’s gone.” His eyes squeeze shut and his face curls up into me, similar to how I did to Tony last night.

We get to the bottom of the staircase and see everyone gathering in the old ballroom.
Someone must have taken the time to tune the grand piano because there is soft music playing. Amazing Grace, I know that one.

Claire must sense my hesitation because she places her hand around my middle.
“It’ll be okay. We’ll get through this together.”

I take a deep breath, steadying myself before I enter the room.
All eyes turn to me as I walk in. It’s almost too much and I consider walking out, but Claire’s hand remains strong around me, helping me to the front.

I get nauseous as I notice my mother’s handmade coffin positioned just a few feet from me.
The lid is down, thankfully. Tony and three other soldiers stand two by two at each side of the coffin, as if to either protect my mom or to stand by her side for the final time.

“Are you okay?” His face looks worried and I can tell he's torn about wanting to be with me at this time. I nod my head gently and take a seat.

My father comes to sit next to me. He looks about as bad as I do, if not worse. He doesn’t smile in my presence; he just squeezes my hand and kisses Sabby’s curls.

Mr. Leroy comes to the front of the room with a Bible and a few notecards in his hand.
He places them on a podium and clears his throat.

“I wish I was standing before you under different circumstances.
Today we honor the life of one of our most cherished soldiers… Alice Rose Mosby.”

I take a moment to look at the casket before me.
Several kinds of delicate flowers line the coffin, giving it a comforting feeling. I look back up to Mr. Leroy as he continues, “Alice was an amazing woman. She had a heart of gold. She was a devoted mother and wife, and a great leader. Today our hearts mourn for the loss of someone so special… our hearts ache.” Mr. Leroy clears his throat. You can see the tears in his eyes and the fact that he is trying to get through this, one moment at a time.

I lay my head on Claire’s shoulder and close my eyes.
I could listen to her eulogy, or I could close my eyes and transport myself back to the beautiful memories I hold of my mother. Sabby twitches a little in my arms but falls back to sleep. I think of my mother: her smile, her laugh, her quirky antics. I remember how amazing she was and what a not so good cook she was. Every time she would try to make dinner, she would burn it. One time she used salt instead of sugar in a pie recipe. She was so excited she hadn’t burnt it until we took our first bite. We laughed and teased her about it long after the evening was over. She would never live that down. I replay these memories over and over again in my head, never wanting to forget.

I’m brought back to the present when Claire’s shoulder lifts, making my head go up with it.
I glance over at her and she points to the coffin. Mr. Leroy has finished his speech and there is not a dry eye in the crowd. I watch as Mr. Leroy comes and stands by the coffin. “For those of you that desire closure we will be opening the casket one last time before burial. Please allow the family some privacy and then form a line.” Tony and another soldier gently lift the lid, placing it next to the coffin against the wall.

My breath hitches as I see my mother lying lifeless before me.
She looks so beautiful. She’s been dressed in a lovely, yet simple, ivory dress. Her hair and makeup are done as well. She holds a bouquet of purple flowers in her hands, which have been placed over her heart. My brain wants to convince me that she’s only sleeping. That she can’t look this beautiful and really be dead. I realize I need to wake Sabby. He can’t miss these final bittersweet moments with his mom.

I gently wake him up and a tear escapes his eye when he sees it’s me and not mom waking him.
I sit him up, making him look at me. “Sabby, it’s time to say goodbye.” I want to say more to him, but I can’t think of what to say. So I take his hand and, together with my dad, we walk up to the open casket.

Sebastian doesn’t waste a second reaching in to touch her cold skin.
“Mommy.” He gives her a small shake as if he’s trying to wake her from a deep sleep.

“Sabby,” I say, while bending down to his level.
“It may look like she’s sleeping but really she’s not there. Her soul has left and is with the angels now.”

His brown eyes stare up at me and his brows crinkle.
“She’s wite here, Wello!” he demands. Tears begin to fall freely and I see he won’t understand. Not now… not till he’s older. I take him into my arms and watch as my father leans over and gives my mother’s lips a light kiss. He takes something out of his pocket and places it into her casket. It’s a very small stuffed animal that looks as if it’s seen better days. I remember the story behind it. It was the item my father gave to my mother on their first date at a carnival. He had tried to win her the big prize but ended up spending way too much money earning her only the little prize. She didn’t mind though. She always loved what it symbolized. I'm surprised she had found a way to keep it through everything that was going on.

My dad takes Sebastian from my arms.
“Take your time,” he says to me.

I nod my head, not sure what to do.
I stand alone, next to my mother’s lifeless body. I take her hand in mine and rub it like she used to do with me when I was little. “Mommy,” I say through the tears. I can’t get much out before I lose it, falling to my knees next to her casket. “Mommy, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” The guilt and blame are eating me alive and I feel like this is all my fault. I feel like I killed her and it’s killing me inside.

I don’t know how long I stay kneeled by her casket, holding my mother’s hand.
The next thing I remember is Claire coming to my side and helping me to my feet. Her cheeks are stained with tears as well. “Claire,” I confess. “I don’t know how to let go.” I look down at my mother’s hand in mine. “If I let her go, I’ll never see her again.” I begin to panic, my breathing increases.

“Willow,” Claire reasons.
“You will see her again someday. Just not in this lifetime. She’s looking down from above admiring what an amazing legacy she left behind. She wouldn’t want you to cry like this for her. She would want you say goodbye, to remember all the good times and the fun times you shared together. She would want you to help your father and little brother. She once told me you were the strong one… the glue to the family.”

I look in Claire’s eyes.
“She said that?” I ask her.

She nods her head.
“Yes, and she meant it.”

I bite my lip knowing that time is drawing this to an end.
I take a flower from the bouquet she’s holding and clutch it in my hand. “I’m going to dry this so I’ll always remember her sacrifice and what she did for me… for all of us.” I take one last look at my mother and turn my back. Realizing it’s not forever makes me feel a little better.

Tony and the other soldiers are the pallbearers. Someone plays a beautiful melody on the violin as we follow my mother's casket outside. Near the trees, we stop around a small hole made in the dirt. I hold on tight to my father and my brother's hands as we watch them slowly lower my mother into the ground.

Alec and Connor stand to the side with shovels in their hands. I hadn't seen them inside the hotel earlier. I hadn't seen much of anything, though, through the tears and the pain. When it's their turn, they slowly shovel dirt one by one into the hole.

Part way through, Mr. Leroy taps on Connor's shoulder and requests that he have a turn. He shovels a scoop of dirt into the hole and then hands his shovel to another person waiting behind him.

Realizing that this is some sort of closure type ritual, Alec hands his shovel to Tony. Afterwards, Alec makes eye contact with me. I mouth, “thank you,” to him and he nods his head graciously.

Tony drops a pile of dirt in and then brings the shovel to my father. My father accepts it and walks dutifully towards my mother's grave. I know it takes everything within him to cover her casket with one more layer of dirt, but he does it. Sebastian and I walk to his side.
Instead of using the shovel, Sebastian leans over and scoops up a handful of dirt. He holds his little hand over the hole and lets the dirt fall slowly. It takes everything in me not to completely lose it. Someone hands me the second shovel and I gather earth into it and drop it in. Then we hand our shovels to the others who have lined up to pay their respects in this way.

After the final layer of dirt has covered my mother's grave, we each drop wildflowers on it. By the time it's my turn to lie a dandelion down, my mother's grave has become a masterpiece of beautiful colors. I close my eyes and let the flower fall. Dandelions always were her favorite.

Mr. Leroy leads us in a prayer at the end and then we retreat inside. I didn't notice until I started walking towards the hotel that there are seven other graves surrounding my mother's. She will not be alone. I walk with my family and my friends inside where a meal has been prepared for us.

For the most part, we eat in silence. I don’t have an appetite though, even if I can’t remember the last time I ate.
I move my food around my plate, concentrating on this simple action instead of inviting hoards of unpleasant thoughts to run through my head. I watch my dad and Sabby do the same.

“You need to eat,” Tony speaks to my thoughts from across the room.

I look up from my pitiful plate and shake my head.
“I can’t,” I say back to him mindlessly. I don’t feel like even sitting here right now. I tell my dad that I’m going to go and lie down. Leaving my plate on the table, I head upstairs.

I can feel Tony’s presence before I can even hear him.
I can’t explain why all of a sudden I feel so connected to him. It’s as if something happened when we were at the prison. Ever since then I can tell when he’s around, not to mention the fact that I can speak to him with my mind. I wonder why I can’t do this with anyone else? The only thing I can think of is it may have to do with Zack and his experimentations.

I feel Tony’s arm reach around my middle and rest on my hip.
Without thinking, I lean into his shoulder, letting him carry a portion of my body weight. Sometimes I guess it just feels better to know that you have someone to help you when you can’t even help yourself.

Tony follows me to my room and closes the door behind him.
In any other situation, this would make butterflies dance in my stomach, but not today. Today I just need to exist. I climb under the covers and curl into myself. Tony, like the gentleman he is, remains on top of the covers and puts his arms around me. He squeezes gently but enough to make me feel grounded, like I am still an inhabitant on this earth.

I turn around to face Tony.
His hair has grown out a lot in the last few weeks. I reach up and brush it out of his eyes. His yellow eyes stare back at me… except there is a red speck in them. I’m sure it wasn’t there before. Panic begins to rise in my chest and without thinking; I begin to heal Tony through my touch. I’m not sure if it’ll work or not, but it’s worth a try. I hold Tony’s gaze and a few moments later the spec has dematerialized.