Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close (30 page)

'There was a beep.

'Then I heard Dad's voice.'

'He needed me, and I couldn't pick up. I just couldn't pick up. I just couldn't.
Are you there
? He asked eleven times. I know, because I've counted. It's one more than I can count on my fingers. Why did he keep asking? Was he waiting for someone to come home? And why didn't he say 'anyone'?
Is anyone there

? 'You' is just one person. Sometimes I think he knew I was there. Maybe he kept saying it to give me time to get brave enough to pick up. Also, there was so much space between the times he asked. There are fifteen seconds between the third and the fourth, which is the longest space. You can hear people in the background screaming and crying. And you can hear glass breaking, which is part of what makes me wonder if people were jumping.

'And then it cut off.

'I've timed the message, and it's one minute and twenty-seven seconds. Which means it ended at 10:24. Which was when the building came down. So maybe that's how he died.'

'I'm so sorry,' he said.

'I've never told that to anyone.'

He squeezed me, almost like a hug, and I could feel him shaking his head.

I asked him, 'Do you forgive me?'

'Do I forgive you?'

'Yeah.'

'For not being able to pick up?'

'For not being able to tell anyone.'

He said, 'I do.'

I took the string off my neck and put it around his neck.

'What about this other key?' he asked.

I told him, 'That's to our apartment.'

The renter was standing under the streetlamp when I got home. We met there every night to talk about the details of our plan, like what time we should leave, and what we would do if it was raining, or if a guard asked us what we were doing. We ran out of realistic details in just a few meetings, but for some reason we still weren't ready to go. So we made up unrealistic details to plan, like alternate driving routes in case the Fifty-ninth Street Bridge collapsed, and ways to get over the cemetery fence in case it was electrified, and how to outsmart the police if we were arrested. We had all sorts of maps and secret codes and tools. We probably would have gone on making plans forever if I hadn't met William Black that night, and learned what I'd learned.

The renter wrote, 'You're late.' I shrugged my shoulders, just like Dad used to. He wrote, 'I got us a rope ladder, just in case.' I nodded. 'Where were you? I was worried.' I told him, 'I found the lock.'

'You found it?' I nodded. 'And?'

I didn't know what to say. I found it and now I can stop looking? I found it and it had nothing to do with Dad? I found it and now I'll wear heavy boots for the rest of my life?

'I wish I hadn't found it.'

'It wasn't what you were looking for?'

'That's not it.'

'Then what?'

'I found it and now I can't look for it.' I could tell he didn't understand me. 'Looking for it let me stay close to him for a little while longer.'

'But won't you always be close to him?' I knew the truth. 'No.'

He nodded like he was thinking of something, or thinking about a lot of things, or thinking about everything, if that's even possible. He wrote, 'Maybe it's time to do the thing we've been planning.'

I opened my left hand, because I knew if I tried to say something I would just start crying again.

We agreed to go on Thursday night, which was the second anniversary of Dad's death, which seemed appropriate.

Before I walked into the building, he handed me a letter. 'What is this?' He wrote, 'Stan went to get coffee. He told me to give this to you in case he didn't get back in time.'

'What is it?' He shrugged his shoulders and went across the street.

MY FEELINGS

A knocking woke me up in the middle of the night. I had been dreaming about where I came from. I put on my robe and went to the door.

Who could it be? Why didn't the doorman ring up? A neighbor? But why?

More knocking. I looked through the peephole. It was your grandfather.

Come in. Where were you? Are you OK? The bottoms of his pants were covered in dirt. Are you OK? He nodded.

Come in. Let me clean you off. What happened? He shrugged his shoulders. Did someone hurt you? He showed me his right hand. Are you hurt?

We went to the kitchen table and sat down. Next to each other. The windows were black. He put his hands on his knees. I slid closer to him until our sides touched. I put my head on his shoulder. I wanted as much of us to touch as possible. I told him, You have to tell me what happened for me to be able to help. He took a pen from his shirt pocket but there was nothing to write on. I gave him my open hand. He wrote, I want to get you some magazines.

In my dream, all of the collapsed ceilings reformed above us. The fire went back into the bombs, which rose up and into the bellies of planes whose propellers turned backward, like the second hands of the clocks across Dresden, only faster. I wanted to slap him with his words.

I wanted to shout, It isn't fair, and bang my fists against the table like a child.

Anything special? he asked on my arm. Everything special, I said. Art magazines? Yes.

Nature magazines? Yes.

Politics? Yes.

Celebrities? Yes.

I told him to bring a suitcase so he could come back with one of everything.

I wanted him to be able to take his things with him. In my dream, spring came after summer, came after fall, came after winter, came after spring.

I made him breakfast. I tried to make it delicious. I wanted him to have good memories, so that maybe he would come back again one day. Or at least miss me.

I wiped the rim of the plate before I gave it to him. I spread his napkin on his lap. He didn't say anything. When the time came, I went downstairs with him. There was nothing to write on, so he wrote on me. I might not be back until late. I told him I understood. He wrote, I'm going to get you magazines. I told him, I don't want any magazines. Maybe not now, but you'll be grateful to have them. My eyes are crummy. Your eyes are perfect. Promise me that you'll take care.

He wrote, I'm only going to get magazines.

Don't cry, I said, by putting my fingers on my face and pushing imaginary tears up my cheeks and back into my eyes. I was angry because they were my tears. I told him, You're only getting magazines. He showed me his left hand.

I tried to notice everything, because I wanted to be able to remember it perfectly. I've forgotten everything important in my life. I can't remember what the front door of the house I grew up in looked like. Or who stopped kissing first, me or my sister. Or the view from any window but my own. Some nights I lay awake for hours trying to remember my mother's face. He turned around and walked away from me.

I went back up to the apartment and sat on the sofa waiting. Waiting for what?

I can't remember the last thing my father said to me. He was trapped under the ceiling. The plaster that covered him was turning red.

He said, I can't feel everything.

I didn't know if he'd meant to say he couldn't feel anything. He asked, Where is Mommy?

I didn't know if he was talking about my mother or his. I tried to pull the ceiling off him. He said, Can you find my glasses for me?

I told him I would look for them. But everything had been buried. I had never seen my father cry before. He said, With my glasses I could be helpful. I told him, Let me try to free you. He said, Find my glasses.

They were shouting for everyone to get out. The rest of the ceiling was about to collapse. I wanted to stay with him. But I knew he would want me to leave him. I told him, Daddy, I have to leave you. Then he said something.

It was the last thing he ever said to me. I can't remember it.

In my dream, the tears went up his cheeks and back into his eyes. I got up off the sofa and filled a suitcase with the typewriter and as much paper as would fit.

I wrote a note and taped it to the window. I didn't know whom it was for.

I went from room to room turning off the lights. I made sure none of the faucets were dripping. I turned off the heat and unplugged the appliances. I closed all the windows.

As the cab drove me away, I saw the note. But I couldn't read it because my eyes are crummy.

In my dream, painters separated green into yellow and blue. Brown into the rainbow.

Children pulled color from coloring books with crayons, and mothers who had lost children mended their black clothing with scissors. I think about all of the things I've done, Oskar. And all of the things I didn't do. The mistakes I've made are dead to me. But I can't take back the things I never did.

I found him in the international terminal. He was sitting at a table with his hands on his knees. I watched him all morning.

He asked people what time it was, and each person pointed at the clock on the wall.

I have been an expert at watching him. It's been my life's work. From my bedroom window. From behind trees. From across the kitchen table. I wanted to be with him. Or anyone.

I don't know if I've ever loved your grandfather. But I've loved not being alone. I got very close to him. I wanted to shout myself into his ear. I touched his shoulder. He lowered his head.

How could you?

He wouldn't show me his eyes. I hate silence.

Say something.

He took his pen from his shirt pocket and the top napkin from the stack on the table.

He wrote, You were happy when I was away.

How could you think that?

We are lying to ourselves and to each other.

Lying about what? I don't care if we're lying.

I am a bad person.

I don't care. I don't care what you are.

I can't.

What's killing you?

He took another napkin from the stack.

He wrote, You're killing me.

And then I was silent.

He wrote, You remind me.

I put my hands on the table and told him, You have me.

He took another napkin and wrote, Anna was pregnant.

I told him, I know. She told me.

You know?

I didn't think you knew. She said it was a secret. I'm glad you know.

He wrote, I'm sorry I know.

It's better to lose than never to have had.

I lost something I never had.

You had everything.

When did she tell you?

We were in bed talking.

He pointed at, When.

Near the end.

What did she say?

She said, I'm going to have a baby.

Was she happy?

She was overjoyed.

Why didn't you say anything?

Why didn't you?

In my dream, people apologized for things that were about to happen, and lit candles by inhaling.

I have been seeing Oskar, he wrote.

I know.

You know?

Of course I know.

He flipped back to, Why didn't you say anything?

Why didn't you?

The alphabet went z, y, x, w…

The clocks went tock-tick, tock-tick…

He wrote, I was with him last night. That's where I was. I buried the letters.

What letters?

The letters I never sent.

Buried them where?

In the ground. That's where I was. I buried the key, too.

What key?

To your apartment.

Our apartment.

He put his hands on the table.

Lovers pulled up each other's underwear, buttoned each other's shirts, and dressed and dressed and dressed.

I told him, Say it.

When I saw Anna for the last time.

Say it.

When we.

Say it!

He put his hands on his knees.

I wanted to hit him.

I wanted to hold him.

I wanted to shout myself into his ear.

I asked, So what happens now?

I don't know.

Do you want to go home?

He flipped back to, I can't. Then you'll go away? He pointed at, I can't. Then we are out of options. We sat there.

Things were happening around us, but nothing was happening between us.

Above us, the screens said which flights were landing and which were taking off. Madrid departing. Rio arriving. Stockholm departing. Paris departing. Milan arriving.

Everyone was coming or going.

People around the world were moving from one place to another. No one was staying. I said, What if we stay? Stay?

Here. What if we stay here at the airport? He wrote, Is that another joke? I shook my head no. How could we stay here?

I told him, There are pay phones, so I could call Oskar and let him know I'm OK. And there are paper stores where you could buy daybooks and pens. There are places to eat. And money machines. And bathrooms. Even televisions. Not coming or going. Not something or nothing. Not yes or no.

My dream went all the way back to the beginning. The rain rose into the clouds, and the animals descended the ramp. Two by two. Two giraffes. Two spiders. Two goats.

Two lions. Two mice. Two monkeys. Two snakes. Two elephants.

The rain came after the rainbow.

As I type this, we are sitting across from each other at a table. It's not big, but it's big enough for the two of us. He has a cup of coffee and I am drinking tea.

When the pages are in the typewriter, I can't see his face. In that way I am choosing you over him. I don't need to see him. I don't need to know if he is looking up at me. It's not even that I trust him not to leave. I know this won't last. I'd rather be me than him. The words are coming so easily. The pages are coming easily.

At the end of my dream, Eve put the apple back on the branch. The tree went back into the ground. It became a sapling, which became a seed.

God brought together the land and the water, the sky and the water, the water and the water, evening and morning, something and nothing. He said, Let there be light. And there was darkness. Oskar.

The night before I lost everything was like any other night. Anna and I kept each other awake very late. We laughed. Young sisters in a bed under the roof of their childhood home. Wind on the window.

How could anything less deserve to be destroyed? I thought we would be awake all night. Awake for the rest of our lives. The spaces between our words grew.

It became difficult to tell when we were talking and when we were silent. The hairs of our arms touched.

It was late, and we were tired.

We assumed there would be other nights.

Anna's breathing started to slow, but I still wanted to talk.

She rolled onto her side.

I said, I want to tell you something.

She said, You can tell me tomorrow.

I had never told her how much I loved her.

She was my sister.

We slept in the same bed.

There was never a right time to say it.

It was always unnecessary.

The books in my father's shed were sighing.

The sheets were rising and falling around me with Anna's breathing.

I thought about waking her.

But it was unnecessary.

There would be other nights.

And how can you say I love you to someone you love?

I rolled onto my side and fell asleep next to her.

Here is the point of everything I have been trying to tell you, Oskar.

It's always necessary.

I love you,

Grandma