Eye of the Storm (12 page)

"Well, how are you?" she asked.
"How do I look?" I countered.
She was clutching her purse under her right arm, pressing it against her hip like a pistol and holster. Dressed in her usual dray skirt suit and blouse with those thick-heeled shots, she looked as firm and as formal as ever. However. I could see she wasn't comfortable in the hospital setting. Her eyes shifted about like a frightened chicken. She had put on a dab of lipstick and what looked like a touch of rouge.
"You look remarkably well,' she replied. She spotted the chair and went to it. For a moment we just looked at each other. "When I was a teenager. I had a temporary fascination with horseback riding. I started to take lessons. but I was never graceful or relaxed enough and always came away with an ache here or an ache there," she said indicating her lower back and her thighs.
"Megan was very good at it. My father bought her a horse. A beautiful Arabian. It cost a fortune to maintain it for her occasional rides. She soon grew bored with it, of course, and finally my father had the sense to sell it. It was months before Megan even knew he had, months before she even asked about her horse. She never told you?"
"We didn't have a long enough mother-daughter conversation for any of that," I said dryly.
"I suppose not. You know, her taking you back, bringing you to our mother and forgetting about you is just in character for her. She has no attention span, whether it be new clothes, children, horseback riding, golf, anything, even her own husband."
"How is she?"
I
asked.
"She's actually.., as much of an invalid as you are these days. She's out of her room, but she doesn't get about anywhere near what she used to she's of absolutely no use socially and politically to Grant. They don't have any dinner parties and he's had to attend most functions by himself. I happened to have been there to escort him to one affair." she added.
"How kind of you to make such a sacrifice," I said, She either deliberately or actually missed my sarcasm.
"I do what I can. I still have all my
responsibilities here. She knows what's happened to you." she added after a short pause during which she looked at me. "Has she bothered to call?"
"No."
"I'm not surprised."
"I'm not either, but not for the same reasons," I said,
"Oh stop that." she snapped. It felt like a slap. It was so unexpected. I could only raise my eyebrows. "'There's no reason for this self-immolation. You're not being punished for something you've done to Megan, believe me. What happened to Brody was all her fault. Her not calling you is just her way to find a scapegoat. She's always been like that. She's never accepted responsibility for her actions before this. She certainly won't now.
"Anyway. I've come to tell you that I'm seeing to everything."
"What do you mean?" I asked, expecting her to drop her bombs now.
"Everything that has to be done for you will be done." she declared in her characteristic take-charge manner. "Once again. I have to fill in for Megan, do what she should be doing. I've done it so much. I don't even mind it anymore."
"What exactly are you doing?"
"I've had a downstairs bedroom prepared for you at the house. I've had the medical equipment company provide what is needed. I've hired a fulltime maid who has had experience as a nurse's aide. Her name is Mrs. Bogart. She'll be there when you arrive."
"Arrive?"
"I've been in continuous contact with your doctors and therapists here. You're going to be discharged from this facility in two days."
"Two days!"
Just the thought of leaving and going back into the real world was terrifying.
"That's what they're telling me. I've arranged for a therapist to be at the house three times a week at minimum."
"Why are you doing all this?" I asked.
"Why?" She smiled. It was more like a silent laugh. "Why? Because it has to be done and there's no one else to do it, especially not your mother.
"Oh. I've kept her abreast of it all. and Grant, of course." she added. "He wants you to know he harbors no ill feelings toward you. I assure you, he doesn't blame you one iota for what happened to Brody," she emphasized. "Now that he has had time to consider the why's and wherefor's," she added.
She crossed her long, thin legs and sat back with a look of Grand satisfaction rippling- across her thin face. Her eyes were almost electric with glee. So that's what she's doing. I thought. She's using me like a thorn to keep between Grant and my mother. She's finally found a purpose for me in her overall
I thought about the advice Doctor Synder had given me. It was essential not to become dependent upon anyone. That was doubly true in regards to Victoria,
"How do you know I even want to return to that house?" I asked.
She tilted her head as though the thought weighed down her brain on one side and threw it off balance.
"Where else would you go now?"
"I could go back to England." I said. It was such a pipe dream that even I had trouble saving it convincingly. She stared for a moment.
"And do what?" she asked.
"Whatever I'll be doing here."
"Nonsense. For one thing, you wouldn't have the support system you'll have here. Everything's more expensive there. You're not a citizen. You're not going to benefit from their health programs.
"I've decided not to sell the house anyway," she said. "With all that's happened to you, you can't think clearly and sensibly. You'll have to rely on me and that's that. My mother would be furious if I deserted you now."
She stood up.
I didn't know whether to laugh or not. Since when did she worry about what Grandmother Hudson would think? Didn't she think I could see through this false new sense of responsibility? Didn't she think I knew exactly what she wanted and what she was doing?
Yet, what choice did I really have? Take advantage of it. I thought, Take advantage of them all.
"All right." I said. "For a while anyway."
"It will be more than a while. Rain," she said. "There's no point in being like your mother and living in a world of dreams and illusions. When you face up to facts and reality, you get stronger and in the end, you're happier."
"Are you happy. Aunt Victoria?" I shot back at her.
Her smile came out as if it was actually a blooming flower stored too long under that hard shell of a face.
"I'm getting there," she said. "Finally."
She looked like her eyes were filled with all sorts of pleasing images. Then she blinked, looked down at me, and straightened up again.
"I'll see to the transporting of you back to your home the day after tomorrow. I understand Jake visits you frequently. Convey any requests through him and I'll see that whatever is within reason will be achieved.
"Is there anything you need or want at the moment?"
"Just my legs again," I said.
"Yes, well each of us has a burden to carry."
"What's yours. Aunt Victoria?" I asked.
"This family," she said without a beat. "It's always been."
She said goodbye and marched out, her heels clicking away and fading as she went down the corridor and out the door.
.
That night I wrote my two hardest letters, one to Roy and one to my real father, telling them both what had happened to me and what I had been doing as a result. I followed Doctor Snyder's advice and filled my letter with optimism, almost making my tragic accident sound like a little fall.
"For a while," I concluded in both letters. "I want to remain at home completing my therapy. Some day in the near future, I'll reconsider my plans to return to England."
I told them both not to worry about me and I promised them both I would stay in touch.
I had the hardest time falling asleep that night. Writing the letters had stimulated happier memories. My father had filled me with such hope and promise and I had been looking forward to seeing him again and becoming part of his family more than I had looked forward to anything in my whole life. Now that seemed impossible,
I thought about how terrible Roy was going to feel and how he would somehow blame it on himself that he wasn't here protecting ine. I was afraid he might do something else to get himself in trouble and I had warned him in my letter not to do anything that would make me feel worse. I hoped he would listen, but I knew how headstrong he could be.
Everyone came back to me that night. I saw myself with Beneatha at dances. I saw myself walking with Mama and
listening to her happy chatter. I recalled my long walks with Randall Glenn in London, our touring of the city and our strolls along the Thames. My memories were all memories of me moving. How terrible it is to lose something we all take so much for granted. I thought.
Before long my pillow was soaked with my tears and I had to turn it over to try to sleep on it. I didn't fall asleep until almost morning and I wasn't very good in my therapy sessions. Doctor Synder came to see me to talk about it.
"I'm glad you're moping about and crying about yourself," she said, which surprised me. "Hate yourself for what and who you think you are and that will give you more motivation to improve and change and become the woman I expect you to become."
She reached out and seized my wheelchair wheels, turning them around so I had to look at myself in the mirror.
"Go on, stare at that girl. Is that who you are. Rain?"
"I don't know who that is," I said.
"Exactly. Drive away this stranger who has taken over your body. Drive her out through your therapy and your determination to take control of your destiny again."
"I'll never hold a man's hand and walk again. I'll never dance."
"You will."
"How?"
"You will hold his hand and roll along with him and you will dance in your mind and you'll be so strong, he won't see you as anything but standing beside him. That's the way it is between my husband and me and that's the way it will be for you," she assured me.
"Go on, get out of here and take charge of your life. Rain Arnold."
I smiled at her.
"Will you come to see me?"
"No,'" she said. I lost my smile. "You'll come to see me." she corrected and I laughed. "That's more like it. I've got to go to see some patients who really need me now," she concluded and started out.
"Doctor Snyder."
"What?" she asked turning. "Thank you."
"Thank you," she returned.
"Why?"
"Every time I see determination in a patient's face. I get stronger myself. You'll understand. In time, you'll understand." she said.
I watched her wheel herself out and then
I
sucked back my renegade tears and reached deep down inside myself to dip into that well of grit Mama Arnold had created in me.
I will get stronger. I chanted. I will.
Early the next morning Jake appeared. I was already dressed and in my chair.
"Well now," he said. "don't you look pretty?"
I had taken some time with my hair and put on some lipstick. I was so nervous my hand shook and I had to wipe the lipstick off and do it again. As I sat there waiting for Jake, my stomach had filled with goldfish swimming in mad circles and tickling my insides.
"What's it like outside?" I asked him.
"It's a beautiful summer day. The sky was a pink pearl color when I woke this morning. I woke early in anticipation,'" he said.
"I didn't sleep in anticipation."
He laughed.
"Well, it's time to go home. Princess."
"You know all that Victoria has arranged for me?"
"Yes. I have to admit she did a great job on preparing your bedroom. If there is anything invented for someone in your condition, she's got it there.
I
met your aide." he added with an impish smile. "She's tot bigger arms than me and bigger shoulders and she looks like she could wipe up the devil with just a scowl. Victoria must have gone to great lengths to find her. She's no nonsense."
He got behind my chair and started to wheel me out of the room.
"Wait, Jake," I said and turned to look at the room that had become something of a sanctuary.
"You don't belong here. Princess,' Jake whispered. "Let's get out of here."
He put his hand over mine and
I
nodded, closed my eyes and lay back in the chair. On the way out, all my nurses and some of the therapists made sure to say good-bye and wish me luck. I looked for Doctor Synder, but she wasn't around. She had said her goodbye and left me without fanfare. Was it just part of her treatment or was it because she couldn't bring herself to say good-bye? I liked to think we had become far more than doctor and patient. Visiting her would be a top priority for me. I thought,
Grandmother Hudson's Rolls-Royce was parked at the curb. For the first time ever in my life. I had to be helped into the backseat. The doctors wanted me to put more confidence in my right leg, use it more to move myself from the wheelchair to another chair and especially into a car, but it was a bit awkward and Jake didn't want me to feel embarrassed. He didn't wait for me to adjust myself. Instead, he scooped me up and put me in as if
I
were a baby,
"Let's just get you out of here and home," he said avoiding my eyes.
He folded up the chair and put it in the trunk and then he got behind the wheel.
"Got your safety belt on?" he asked.
"I can sit fine. Jake. Stop treating me like a cripple.' He laughed. It brought relief to both of us.
"Home James," I ordered.
"Right, right."
He started away and I looked back at the hospital. Had I really been there all this time? Was I really paralyzed? When will you wake up, Rain Arnold? Can't you shake off this nightmare?
Jake hated every moment of silence. He talked and talked, describing the smallest, simpliest things about the house, the maintenance, the grounds, the changing foliage. He babbled, even describing the plot of a television movie he had watched.
"Where is Rain now. Jake?" I asked,
interrupting him.
"Rain? Oh, she's at a real horse farm north of Virginia. They'll treat her right, don't worry. I got a good price for her."
"You're a liar. Jake,"
I
said. "No, no, I did."
"I really wish you hadn't sold her, Jake. She'll always feel lonely."
"I just couldn't give her the attention she needed. Princess. That was it. Really."
"Sure, Jake. Will you take me to see her some day?"
"Oh, absolutely." he promised.
He tried to change the subject. After a while, he accepted the silence and drove on. I dozed and when I woke again, we were close enough to the house that my heart began to pound. I don't know why I was so nervous about returning.
"You're doing the right thing to come back here,' Jake assured me. He was watching me in the rearview mirror and I was sure he could see the hesitation in my face. "You'll get good care and you're familiar with the place, which makes it easier. You'll be just fine, Princess. Just fine."