*click*
Man, this is getting kind of spooky. They say the president is
going to deliver a speech at 7:00 AM, D. C. time. I haven’t slept yet. It’s
almost 4:00 AM. I was able to pull in a station on the AM band; I think it
originates from Fargo. The signal strength kind of wafted in and out, but at
least they sounded like they knew something. Apparently something started in North
Korea, something to do with a South Korean special forces team assaulting a
suspected top secret military complex near Pyongyang. Wait, they’re getting
ready to rerun that broadcast—I’ll just record it.
“. . .
to repeat our latest news update. Information is
still sketchy and unconfirmed, but multiple sources are reporting that the
recent Korean conflict has resulted in the use, or possibly the accidental
release of some type of chemical warfare or biological agent. Neither the state
department nor the military will confirm what type of hazard this represents
for civilians in the affected area. The president is scheduled to brief the
press in just a few hours. Casualties have already been reported on both sides
of the DMZ. South Korean forces are on high alert after dozens of soldiers
stationed along the DMZ became ill with what is being described as an unknown
contagion. U.S. military personnel injured in the skirmishes have been
evacuated to Seoul and Tokyo. Again, we have unconfirmed reports from contacts
in South Korea that North Korean soldiers have crossed the DMZ. North Korean
state radio has been repeatedly broadcasting accusations that South Korean
special forces teams have assaulted several scientific installations. Air
travel to Korea has been severely restricted by order of the CDC and riots have
bro
. . .” . . . . . . station fades . . . . . . . .
This doesn’t sound good. I’m gonna go wake up Uncle Andy.
*click*
It’s almost 7:00 AM, well, D.C. time anyway . . . earlier
here . . . and things have taken a turn for the, um . . . “weirder” I guess is
the right word. We’ve got the little Honda generator running and have the
computer turned on. Uncle Andy has two different ways to get online up here in
his cabin, satellite and cell phone. It used to be satellite only, which sucked.
Last year they added a cell tower down by the main road, and with an antenna
booster he’s been able to get much faster speeds. However for some reason the
cell service isn’t working right now. Figures. So anyhow we’re back to the
satellite, and the link to the Internet shows it’s powered up and active, but
all we see on the screen is a message that says, “Please stand by for an
important message from the President of United States.” It has a little digital
countdown timer that’s reading about seven minutes left. Uncle Andy thinks that
some type of Internet “kill switch” has been activated. I don’t think that’s
legal, and I didn’t even know it was possible either. Six minutes left on the
countdown. Here, say hi Uncle Andy . . .
“Get that thing out of my face and go check to see if the
coffee is ready.”
“Well I guess that lack of coffee and old age combine to make
some people into old grumpy geezers, but don’t worry old man, I wouldn’t want
to be responsible for you breaking a hip or falling and not being able to get
back up, so I’m going to get the coffee for you.”
*click*
OK, I’m back recording. The countdown is showing forty-nine
seconds. Uncle Andy has his coffee, Max has a deer bone that he dug up from somewhere
and I’ve . . .
“Eric . . . shut up. You’re starting to get on my nerves
talking into that little gadget all the time.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I would imagine that most dinosaurs were
afraid of fire when it was first invented also. Don’t worry . . . fire . . . .
our . . . friend.” I know you can’t see this since I’m only recording audio,
but Uncle Andy just shot me the “You mess with the bull, you get the horns”
look. Eight seconds, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, and . . . and . .
. and . . . nothing.
“Well, that about figures,” said Uncle Andy.
“What do you suppose is going on? I mean, there’s gotta be millions
of people getting the same blue screen and nothing else, assuming their Internet
is in the same shape as ours,” I said.
“Yeah, I’d bet my ass that there’s a lot of people who are
panicking right now. If you think about it like this, most people in the United
States, well . . . the world really, are totally dependent on access to information
24/7. You take that away and they’re going to be like a bunch of rats in a big
round room, all jumping over each other and looking for a way out that isn’t
there,” Uncle Andy said. “I’d even venture a guess that . . .”
“Hey, the screen is changing,” I said.
OK, I’m gonna continue recording this and tell you what I’m
seeing. The blue screen with the countdown timer has now been replaced with a
shot of what I guess is the Oval Office. I don’t see anybody on the screen but
I can see shadows moving like they’re just off camera. OK, here comes some guy
in a suit, not the president though. He’s saying something; I can see his lips
moving, but there’s no sound.
“Hey old man, you got the speakers turned on?” I said.
“Of course I do you moron,” Uncle Andy said. “If I didn’t
that little green light wouldn’t be on.”
I looked but didn’t see any lights on the speakers. “What
little green light?” I said.
“That one right th—oh fartbag. This is what happens when I
don’t get enough coffee,” Uncle Andy said as he turned a knob on the speaker
that brought the little green light in question to life as well as giving audio
to the speaker on the screen.
“ . . . .
are awaiting the arrival of the president, who
should be here momentarily. Again, if you’re just tuning in to television or Internet,
the president, using provision 891 of the Patriot Act has declared a national
emergency and has temporarily granted control of Internet traffic, radio and television
signals, and overseas communications to the National Security Agency. Let me
reassure you that civilian access to all normal media outlets will be restored
shortly. I can see the president approaching now. Ladies and gentlemen of the
press, please hold all questions until after the president has spoken
. . .”
“Look at that guy,” said Uncle Andy. “He looks more nervous
than a balloon salesman at a porcupine convention.”
“Who is he, the press secretary or something?” I said.
“Well, look at Eric with the big brain. I’m guessing that one
of your weekly bimbos left your house this morning,” I cracked a grin as he assumed
a Sherlock Holmes pose, faked holding a pipe, and blew imaginary smoke rings. “I
further deduce that your ‘
Miss right now’
has the cranial capacity of
the average guinea pig and was no doubt stumped by the Wheel of Fortune puzzle
with only one letter missing. And I conclude that since Jeopardy is on right
after Wheel of Fortune, and no doubt both of you were somewhat occupied at that
time, the answer to
‘Presidential appointments for 500
Alex’
somehow sunk into your brain through the alcohol and perfume laced fog that you
spent the rest of the night in.”
“Very close,” I said. “The only part you missed was that it
wasn’t last night, it was the night before. Besides, Max likes her.”
Uncle Andy tilted his head, frowned, and said, “What’s her
name?”
“Olivia.”
“Olivia . . . what?” he asked.
“Olivia . . . uh . . . um. Hey, did I mention the Max likes
her?”
Uncle Andy shook his head and chuckled. “Kids.”
The president was being escorted up to the podium by three
men in dark blue suits. Behind them were several officers from the different
branches of the military. We watched as the president spoke briefly with his
press secretary who nodded several times and returned to the microphone
. “Ladies
and gentlemen of the press, let me remind you that all rules of protocol will
be followed. Any deviation, outburst or disturbance will result in your
immediate removal from this area. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of United
States.”
“
My fellow Americans,” the president began, “let me start
by saying that there is no need for panic.”
“Oh shit,” Uncle Andy said. “Anytime somebody starts a speech
by saying ‘don’t panic’ it means that we’re already screwed.”
Apparently the reporters had that same school of thought,
judging from the immediate murmur that swept across the press conference. The
president’s face showed lines of worry and stress that even the most talented
makeup artist couldn’t entirely hide as he waited for the crowd to quiet before
continuing.
“The situation on the Korean Peninsula is being closely
monitored by all assets the United States and her allies have available, and
steps are being taken to minimize and contain the conflict. The ambassadors
from both North and South Korea will be meeting with my National Security
advisory team, as well as myself and other key members of my administration
shortly after we’re done here. It has always been my policy to keep the
American people informed in times of both peace and conflict, and in line with
that policy my desire is to have the information that you receive be accurate. We
have set up a special United States government website that can provide you
with all of the latest information concerning the developing situation on the
Korean peninsula. This website will be available in approximately three to five
hours from now. At that same time, Internet traffic and television broadcast
signals will be re-released to private sector control. Let me bring you up to
speed. Approximately four days ago, North Korean special forces teams crossed
the DMZ into South Korea in direct violation of the treaty that has kept the
peace between the two nations for over fifty years. This incursion was met with
resistance by the South Korean military and her NATO allies, which includes
United States forces. Casualties resulted on both sides. In retaliation for
this incursion, South Korean forces launched an assault against several
military complexes just across the DMZ. During this retaliatory attack, North
Korean forces—under the direct authority of their president—and in strict
violation of countless treaties, released an as yet unknown chemical or
biological weapon. Our forces in the area are on high alert, and I have
authorized a second carrier group to proceed there as well. All member states
of the United Nations have condemned North Korea’s actions and have pledged
full support to ensure a quick and peaceful end to this conflict. I will now
take a few questions.”
“Larry Vickers, CNN. Mr. President—the use of an obscure
clause in the Patriot Act to perform a shutdown on all Internet traffic,
nationally broadcast television and radio stations, as well as a complete
blackout of international telephone and cellular phone service is in and of
itself causing the very panic that it would seem you were hoping to avoid. Can
you elaborate on the process that led up to this decision and reassure the
millions seeing this broadcast right now that in just a few hours all
information sources that were previously available will once again be
accessible for everyone.”
“Yes Larry; as you no doubt have heard, the situation on the
Korean peninsula is not localized along the demilitarized zone. There have been
many false reports that have surfaced since the conflict began. Due to the
technology available to the average citizen worldwide today, many of those
false reports have been taken for the truth and posted online, or in some cases
. . . broadcast on local, regional or even national levels. Others accessing
those false reports online, or listening to rumors and lies broadcast by
irresponsible networks have fed fuel to the fire, so to speak, and in several
instances the turmoil that resulted has caused loss of life—in some cases
substantial loss of life. In an effort to reassure the citizens of the United
States of America that all of the information available will be accurate, and
through that accuracy alleviate the potential for false reactions, I have
invoked provision 891 of the Patriot Act. This provision has temporarily put
all international communications under control of the National Security Agency.
Let me stress that this is a temporary measure and will only be in force until
the official United States government media website is online and available,
which I’m told will be in just a few short hours from now. In the meantime,
local, regional, and national land and cell phone access is available. Locally
broadcast television and radio stations are also available. Next question. Let’s
go with Miss. Choy from ABC . . . Jessica?”
“Thank you, Mr. President,” she said. “The media blackout
imposed by your invocation of provision 891 has led to wild speculation of what
is really going on in North and South Korea, as well as other locations around
the world; such as Japan, Germany, Mexico, and countless other countries,
including the United States. We’ve heard reports of some things that are quite
frankly too incredulous to believe. Since I’m sure you’ve heard the same
reports, can you here and now officially address and either dismiss or confirm
these reports?”
“Miss Choy, I think it would be irresponsible of me to even
bring up any unconfirmed report, even to dismiss it. I will however, officially
confirm the following. Number one. While tensions are high in the area, a state
of war does not currently exist between North and South Korea. The United
States, her allies, and the world community itself are working diligently
toward a peaceful resolution. Number two. The use by North Korea of an as yet
unknown chemical or biological agent during hostilities along the DMZ has
resulted in . . . casualties . . . among both North Korean and NATO forces. United
States forces injured during these attacks have been evacuated and, as of the
last report that I have, are expected to make a full recovery. Number three. Using
presidential authority, I have frozen the stock market at the current level
until further notice. My cabinet and advisers are also finalizing a series of
steps designed to reduce the effects of the Korean conflict on American
citizens here at home. These will be posted on the website when it’s up and
running.”