Fain the Sorcerer (5 page)

In which Fain offends the King of Envashes

 

‘
My first audience with the King was about a month after the princess was taken for enchantment,
'
thought Fain.
‘
I think I am a little later than that now.
'
He called to a passing farmer.
‘
Tell me
—
is the Princess here? And if so is she enchanted in any way?
'

‘
Pah! The Princess was stolen away weeks ago by a sorcerer.
'

‘
Thorn?
'

‘
Fain. And she
'
s not been seen since.
'

‘
Did you say
“
Fain
”
took her away?
'

‘
That
'
s what the King
'
s expensive new soothsayer has discovered.
'

‘
Really. And what does this soothsayer call himself?
'

‘
Charlie. They gave him a liver and asked that he read the future in it. He declared with absolute certainty that the liver
'
s former owner would soon die if he or she was not dead already. It gave everyone the shivers. Better proof of magic there never was.
'

Fain entered the King
'
s court covered in mud and dragon vomit.

‘
What is this creature?
'
the King demanded.
‘
How did he get in here?
'

‘
Once again, Your Majesty, I have confounded your great raspberry of a head. And where
'
s this soothsayer I
'
ve heard about? Surely not this fellow with the constellation cape and sharpened chin?
'

The soothsayer whirled upon Fain and declared:
‘
This is Fain the Sorcerer
—
he who stole away the Princess!
'
37

‘
On the contrary!
'
shouted Fain with all the ridiculous drama he could summon.
‘
You took the Princess, and are Hackler Thorn in disguise!
'

Fain took out the tin box of crimson veracity spiders, opened the lid and threw it at the soothsayer, who seemed paralysed by their swarming attentions. Amid the shrieks of the court he was bitten down until all that remained was a sort of grandfather clock with lungs, four rod-like legs pitching it to the ground and two arms of real human bone. It had a fist-sized dice for a heart and a spinal column of coins. Its face was an ivory fan painted with the false eyes common to butterfly wings. All had noticed that the thing was insincere, a mere reaction, but at court this was the very genius of its camouflage.

The strange construction began to crumble and dissolve as the spiders died, but before it faded Fain glimpsed a sort of meaty tube like an umbilical cord which fed from it, looped over a candelabrum and descended to the head of the King
'
s jester. The jester started up when Fain saw him, and a black spike pronged out of its forehead in readiness for combat.
‘
Thorn!
'
Fain gasped, and in moments was throttling the warlock.

‘
He has killed our madcap!
'
yelled the King.

‘
Not for the first time,
'
Fain bragged, admiring his handiwork before recalling the need to run.

‘
All well and good for today,
'
he thought as he dashed down the entrance galley,
‘
but in seeking more gifts I must needs travel back to a time when that annoying fool is alive again.
'
And it seemed clear that, just as a punishment in the present undoes no crimes in the past, no matter what changes Fain affected in the past, Thorn would proceed to more or less the same point in the present. Fain could not, after all, change the man
'
s nature. But he wished he understood the root of it.

He wished himself into the past, surprising a few guards as he appeared out of thin air a week earlier, sprinting from the palace.

38

 

 

In which Fain begins a bar brawl

 

Feeling a sudden thirst for ale, Fain walked through the forest and found the old man roasting chestnuts outside the cave.

‘
You! Idiot!
'
he shouted at the man.
‘
Have you any ale?
'

‘
Take this jar from my head and I will
—'

Fain knocked him against the mossy wall, shattering the urn and freeing the man
'
s head. The man called out some nonsense which sounded like
‘
Fan your fear to put with mine!
'
or something like that, and then told him about the three wishes. Again Fain pretended it was the first he
'
d heard of all this.
‘
So
—
three wishes! Well, having thought about it for a second: I wish to be able to become invisible whenever I wish
—
including the clothes I am wearing at the time I make the wish, old man! Secondly, I wish to have the ability to transport myself from one place to another
—
with clothing intact! And, thirdly, I want to be able to travel forward in time
—
while retaining my clothes!
'

‘
You choose well, young stranger,
'
cackled the old lunatic.

Fain immediately wished himself transported to an alehouse he had heard tell of in town. Nothing happened but that he for some reason started walking away from the cave. He stopped, angry, and walked back to the cave mouth.
‘
Betrayal old man? What of the power to transport myself from place to place?
'

‘
Simply place one leg in front of the other alternately, young one. Though I confess, I felt sure you possessed this power already.
'
ATER

‘
And let me guess
—
you also believed I already had the ability to travel forward in time?
'

‘
Are you not constantly doing so?
'

‘
Two gifts wasted!
'
Fain thought. Should he slip back in time and get more immediately? How long did the old man have that thing on his head? Days? Weeks? How stupid could a man be? What sort of cheated existence had marooned the old man in a cave from which he dealt such perversity?

Feeling he could not abide the man any more, Fain strode off to the river, where he washed the dragon grime from his body. Then he went back into Envashes town to visit a barber, where his head was restored to a more human appearance. And finally he went to an inn, where he ordered several meals, paying with the inexhaustible gold from his pockets. He delicately relished the beer as though it were a crime. Satisfied, he leaned back in his chair. A great feeling of lethargy filled him. Must he travel over a thousand years into the future to deal with the dragon?
‘
Perhaps,
'
he thought momentarily,
‘
my word need not be my bond.
'
But upon glancing at a mirror, he saw an empty wedge develop across his neck and a skull grinning from his face.
‘
My word is my bond!
'
he shrieked aloud, and all was well with his reflection and his intent.

Fain looked around him. Above the fireplace was a painting of blind black sharks in a bright yellow sea. Strolling over, Fain scrutinised the dark signature in its corner
—
Drake the Adept. An old crone, her face like a whiskery potato, stabbed his shoulder with her chin and said
‘
Something eldritch aint it? There
'
s another over there
—
by the door.
'

Fain went with her to the other, smaller painting
—
this portrayed a triangular, pointed building with a saucer-like eye near its base. The structure seemed to be in the centre of a lush, curlicued forest grown from red earth.
‘
What do you know about this Drake?
'

‘
It
'
s said these are not imagined scenes but a record of places he visited on his travels. He
'
s now a powerful wizard. Have you really never heard of him?
'
40

‘
No,
'
said Fain, and began to feel numb. He was choking, his throat a fizzing absence. Black blood filled his mouth.
‘
I mean yes,
'
he said, and swallowed.
‘
A strange gremlin creature once mentioned him to me.
'

‘
Sit down, young man, you look ill. And let me read your palm
—
I will see all of your past and future in it!
'

Before Fain knew what was happening, the old hag had his palm unrolled and was tracing lines in it. Her finger began tracing circles and she started to shudder and shriek.
‘
Spirals! Spirals!
'
She bolted up and whirled around the room, batting at invisible designs and knocking over the furniture. She pointed at him.
‘
He
'
s Fain, a spiral beyond his life!
'

What with a crone babbling words weird as green carrots and pointing his way, Fain attracted the attention of a ready mob, at the head of which a hod carrier stated their case:
‘
I know of a jackass called Fain who pulls spuds in a village miles from here. And I
'
ve heard tell of a wizard called Fain who wears fine clobber and spends gold like a penny. Which might you be?
'

‘
Fain the Sorcerer,
'
said Fain, without thinking or standing.

‘
That
'
s the Fain who abducted the princess, according to the King
'
s soothsayer Charlie.
'

‘
Already?
'
Fain blurted.

‘
Hold him!
'
shouted the hod man, at which Fain became as thin as soup and then vanished altogether, his chair tipping back to hit the floor.

But Fain, standing to dash invisibly from the inn, found that he was plunged into darkness. He realised he was blind, and with a screech of fear, re-materialised again, rubbing his eyes. The mob, surprised but with motives supported by what they had seen, rushed at him. Fain ducked aside, disappearing.
‘
Where are you?
'
roared the hod man.

‘
Over here,
'
Fain called from the door, unable to lie. He reappeared, mortified. Throwing gold with one hand and sardines with the other, he faded away again. Someone entering the door was pushed aside by thin air and, believing that he was under attack, threw himself at the hod man.

 

 

 

 

In which Fain visits the Pyramid of Puva

 

‘
It seems,
'
Fain thought, walking away from the inn a day earlier,
‘
my powers make it more difficult than ever to be among my fellow men.
'

Why had he been blind when invisible? Fain realised it must be to do with the light which brings pictures into the eye to be captured there. If the eyes are invisible the light will pass straight through without stopping.
‘
Perhaps I need some guidance from a wizard mentor such as this Drake I keep hearing about.
'

Fain bought a horse, a travelling sack, rope, a lantern and other supplies, and left Envashes town. Reaching the cave in the forest, Fain found the old man sitting nearby, with the vase still in place.
‘
You! Old idiot! Need any help with the vase?
'
He dismounted and smashed the vase with a single kick.

The greybeard shouted
‘
Damn you, I will cook you fine!
'
or something like that, grinning.
‘
This urn is enchanted, and it falls to you to receive its final three wishes!
'

‘
Tell me, old man, are you Drake the Adept?
'

‘
No. You have two wishes left.
'

Fain was about to curse, but had to hold his tongue because the wishing was in play.
‘
I want to be able to become invisible at will, including my clothing, while still being able to see. I want to visit the place in the picture in the Duke
'
s Tongue Inn in Envashes town
—
not the picture of the black whales, not the one of the jouster with fruit on his lance, not the one of the pig, I mean the picture of the triangular building in the forest, and I don
'
t want to be inside the painting itself, but at the location which inspired the picture, and fully clothed please.
'

‘
You choose well, young stranger,
'
cackled the old lunatic.

And though Fain had intended to go back in time immediately to harvest more wishes from the old man, he found himself instead standing before the massive pyramid in the heat and birdcalls of a foreign jungle.

‘
I am so stupid,
'
Fain thought, shaking his head, and before doing anything else, sat down to decide what his next wishes would be.
‘
Future travel, instant land travel, and knowing the location of Hackler Thorn at any time, wherever he is.
'
Making a mental note of this, he stood again and walked toward the pyramid.

Fain climbed the broad stone steps toward the dish-eye. Reaching it, he saw the legend around the iris which read: AS A CHEAT WITH LITTLE TIME DISSEMBLES UNTO UNION. Fain waited until nightfall, using the time to find a sturdy log and drag it up the steps. By nightfall the iris seemed to have swollen a little, and a small hole had appeared at its centre. Fain stood before the eye and began to flatter it, stating that it was beautiful, perfect in its roundness, and that he understood it. He wished he could add that he and it were the same, that they would be together always, but his recent oath prevented him. Yet the iris had grown larger and the hole at its centre had revolved open. Fain braced the entrance with the log and ducked through.

Inside, the stone of the passage wall was cool and moist, granular beneath his hand. Raising his lamp, he saw that the wall was patterned with jigsaw curlicues which he realised were the outlines of a thousand stone geckos, ingeniously interlocked. He emerged into a titanic vaulted hall, the pointed ceiling lost in mist. The building was completely hollow, and lit inadequately here and there with flaming torches. Fain noticed that even these sheer inner walls were complicated with interlocking lizards.

Against the far distant opposite wall there was something like steps and a throne. Dowsing his lamp, he decided to become invisible. He was glad to find that he could still see what was around him, but found that not being able to see his own feet made it difficult to walk. Several minutes later he reaches the steps, which led up to a square head on a stained stone pedestal. It almost resembled a huge stone owl. Fain found it was near to impossible to climb the stairs without visible legs, and re-appeared in sheer frustration halfway up the steps.

‘
Tomb robbers have cored the marrow of this place,
'
boomed the square granite head. Fain noticed that it had a single round eye.
‘
What do you hope to gain here?
'

‘
Information about the sorcerer Drake.
'

‘
I am Suvramizana, idol of time. Drake the Adept was drawn here by the Sertris Eye. He expected, wrongly, that it related to his craft, because the eyeball happens to be the only way one disguised sorcerer can recognise another.
'

‘
I don
'
t understand,
'
said Fain, who had arrived on the platform on which the pedestal stood. He had to crane his head to see the sad, flickering stone face. There was a stone teardrop suspended from the oyster eye.

‘
Your eyeballs turn upside down when you become a true sorcerer. Being completely round, it is the one part of the body which can be inverted without an external observer being any the wiser.
'

Fain doubted this, as he had met people whose entire face could be turned upside-down without looking much different, but he kept silent on the matter.
‘
How long have you been here?
'

‘
Since the excommunication of the sky,
'
chimed the statue mournfully.
‘
Time is not what people believe it is. It is the colour which is always present but which cannot be seen until truthfully named. Its name is not
“
time
”
. Decisions of life can be forged in a moment
—
the contours and notches of the moment will tell you a great deal about the man.
'
The echoing voice faded, a pause.
‘
Yet I cannot sense any such thing with you. I can taste the dissolution and miscommunications surrounding a person who has begun life in the middle.
'

‘
As opposed to what?
'

‘
There are, now and again, folk born with the knowledge of what the world
'
s judgement of them will be after they die; they know what their life
'
s legacy will be. These people are remarkably content, whatever their circumstances.
'

‘
Even if their legacy is one of failure, or a life of pain and torture? Why are they contented?
'

‘
Because, unlike everyone else, they know precisely where they fit within the story.
'

‘
Why would anyone want to fit within a story? I
'
m glad I don
'
t know, and if I knew, I
'
d smash my way out of it.
'

‘
You seem nervous when I speak of time.
'

‘
Not at all.
'

‘
I know what time smells like. And you
'
ve been through it
—
the wrong way.
'
There was a moment
'
s silence, a trickle of water as the statue digested its own thoughts.
‘
I see now. You
'
re a bit of Fain the Sorcerer. From not even a tenth of the way along
—
no wonder I didn
'
t recognise you. Fain is like a garter snake with a different flavour in each stripe.
'

‘
Where is Drake the Adept now?
'

‘
Take a look at my head. It
'
s a perfectly square block, with a different face on four surfaces. Each face has a different outlook and expression. Every five hundred years it rotates so that the next face looks forward and becomes active.
'

‘
What happens when you
'
ve rotated four times and gone back to the first one again?
'

‘
By that time I
'
ve forgotten what it was, or convinced myself it was something else. But that
'
s not important. What does the next face look like? The one to my left. Quick now! In a mirror I can only see the front one. And my worshippers are forbidden to gaze upon the face of the future. Look to my left face! Will I be happy? Tell me and I will reveal the location of Drake the Adept.
'

Fain edged around and looked at the face on that side of the cube. It too had a single eye, and was grimacing as if Suvramizana had just tasted a piece of bark.

Fain thought about it, and cleared his throat.
‘
I assure you, asked such a question in such circumstances, most men would certainly declare it the happiest face in the world.
'

‘
Excellent,
'
said the statue.
‘
Drake dwells in the Valley of Smohalla in the land of Zerzan. He lives behind the rain. To find him go East, cross the Bridge of Exasperation, the Black Desert, and on. Go now.
'

Fain descended the steps, crossed the massive pointed chamber and lit his lantern for the walk through the outer passage, but found as he walked through it that daylight was shining from outside. Time had passed differently inside the pyramid.

As Fain neared the glaring exit he heard a small voice to his left.
‘
I want out,
'
it said.

‘
Who are you?
'
Fain asked.

‘
A gecko called Hex. Here I am. Step back a little. Look at me
—
I
'
m twenty-seventh from the floor. This is terrible. Can I come with you?
'

‘
Why?
'
Fain whispered uncertainly, and glanced back at Suvramizana
'
s chamber.

‘
Would you want to be locked into a pattern like this? They won
'
t miss me. If the structure
'
s worth a damn it
'
ll do without little me won
'
t it?
'

‘
Very well, lizard. But hurry.
'

With a little puff of masonry dust one of the grey lizards popped out of the wall, clinked to the dirt floor and skittered up Fain
'
s body to perch on his shoulder, where it immediately flushed through with the exact colour of Fain
'
s coat.

As he turned to leave, Fain noticed that other lizards had begun popping from the wall around Hex
'
s vacated space, until that entire wall began falling away like a million-piece jigsaw tipped sideways.

‘
They
'
ve all gotten the same idea!
'
piped Hex into Fain
'
s ear as Fain ran from the pyramid, dashing down the hill of steps as the pyramid began to crumple behind him, clouds of buff dust blasting from rectangular gashes. A landslide of grey lizards poured down the steps, but when Fain looked behind him he saw that they were already interlocking again, clotting in a zigzag of multi-levelled terraces as the pyramid settled.

48