Falling for Seven (7 page)

“Where you wanna go?” he asked, flashing me a quick glance.

“Uh…” I knew Boston as well as I knew the solar system. Jordan knew it better than me, he was raised here. “Anywhere. I don’t care.”

We pulled up outside of Marnie’s Coffee House and found a table at the front, looking out into the street. Jordan sat down with a strawberry milkshake for me and a caramel Frappuccino for him. Jordan could eat the whole of McDonalds and his physique wouldn’t bend an inch out of shape.

I’d crashed as soon as I was hauled from Kit’s party, leaving no time for the story of how Jordan ended up sitting across from me at the worst party in all of history. I was wide awake and all ears now, though. “Why were you there last night?” I asked. Honestly, Jordan’s appearance was more than a little strange. Going out of his way for me was not the norm.

“I missed you.”

“So you left your friends because you missed me?”

“Yeah. That so hard to believe?”

I sipped on my milkshake, allowing brain freeze to take hold. “Uh, yeah. It is.” I reached for his hand. It was strong and big in mine and my stomach rolled in waves of ridiculous bliss.

What happened last night was on the tip of my tongue, but fighting with him was never a sport I liked to get into. He didn’t either, because anytime one started between us he stepped out of it with a calmness that was both admirable and fucking annoying, and left me alone to stew in the unsettled debate. That was why I was so surprised to see him here now, twice in two days. Effort and relationship were two things Jordan had no concept of. And even though we were very much—after months of going back and forth—in a committed relationship, I embarrassingly put in way more than I got back. But in those moments we were alone and we managed to block out the rest of the world, we were nothing short of perfect.

“That was pretty crazy last night,” he said, looking at me through a carefully constructed film.

“It was shit,” I correct him. “I don’t want to kiss other guys. I don’t want you to want me to kiss other guys.”

His defensive stance was up like a flash. “I never heard you saying no.”

“In all the time we have been together you damn well know I don’t want to kiss anyone else.”

“Guess I never thought you’d really do it.”

Why did I always feel like I was losing him?

“I shouldn’t have,” I said, shaking my head. “I should have said no and I’m sorry. I’m a horrible and selfish drunk.”

He sighed and sunk lower in his chair. “Maybe it’s a sign.” He was shutting down right before my eyes. If I squinted hard enough I’d be able to see the fight being literally sucked out of him.

“A sign for what?” The familiar vise clamped tight around my chest. I was on a tightrope and he had the power to yank it out from under me at any time. Right now was one of those times.

“If you can just go and kiss someone else then that tells us something.” He spoke so casually, like this was
my
problem.

“It was a game,” I said in disbelief. “A game I didn’t even want to play. You wanted to stay, remember that?” My desperation had me internally cringing, but it wasn’t enough to make me stop. I’d stayed for a game I didn’t want to play, because I thought that was what he wanted.

“I never thought it would end like that.” Jordan’s frappe sat in front of him untouched, and the sweetness of my milkshake threatened to make an early appearance right back out the way it went in. “I just wonder if this is working out.”

I knew it was coming. I’d found myself taking a wrong turn into this conversation more than once, but I was blindsided every time. My reaction now was delivered with precision and complete surprise. Jordan looked exasperated with my stunned silence, but I spoke first. “What are you saying? You want to breakup?”

“I’m saying maybe we should take a break.”

“Take a break from what? We don’t go to the same college, we don’t have the same friends. We don’t live next to each other anymore. In what sense do we need a break?” I really wanted to be the strong girl here who says to hell with the dickhead who is breaking her heart, but I was so in love I couldn’t see straight. Tears leaked into my eyes and my heart was suddenly pounding. But Jordan was as cool as a cucumber, or a very good actor, because he didn’t look half as affected. “Are you not happy with me?”

He exhaled, his careless expression loosening. “You know I am. I’m just so…”

“So what?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what I want anymore.”

Okay, this was mildly bearable. I wasn’t being dumped on the spot. I could still save this relationship. But I seriously didn’t know what he wanted. I gave him freedom, he went out with the guys without a peep of objection from me. Now I was in university and he was working full-time we hardly even had to see each other. “Is it our schedules?” I asked. “Because I thought that would have suited you perfectly.” I was always busy. He was always busy…

“I’m not used to having a girlfriend.”

“But I thought we had fun. We’re still having fun.”

“We are, and when I think about you with anyone else, I fucking hate it.”

“I see.” My blurred vision grew in strength, but I dared one tear to drop. I had to talk over the lump in my throat. “Is that the only reason you are with me? Because you don’t want anyone else to have me?”

“No, it’s not the only reason.” He rubbed his fists over his eyes. His whole body hummed with aggravation and a visible surrender. “Man, I’m tired.”

“Why aren’t you at work?” I asked. He had laid the foundations for his removal from this conversation, or breakup or whatever the hell it was. There was no fight in him at all. It was there, just buried too deep to excavate.

“My head’s all over the place. I needed the break, Liam’s cool without me.”

Jordan and Liam Dallerton were taking over management of Liam’s Grandfather’s sports shop. They swore they could turn into a worldwide brand and prove that passing on college wasn’t a big deal anymore. Even though Jordan wasn’t that big of a drinker and he didn’t smoke or do drugs, his ambition was somewhat lacking and I would be one of many forced to watch him one day eat his own words. The optimist in me hoped he really made a go of it and one day rode the high wave of success. Thee pessimist in me found the birth of that day highly unlikely.

“Give me some time,” he said, staring at my milkshake. “This is as hard for me as it is for you. You are my best friend.”

I’d fought, I really had, but a tear slipped out, utterly betraying me. He was my best friend. He was the other half of my personality. He just got me, and I got him. He was the sun and his gravitational pull was a magnet for people. If there’s a party, he is the one with the biggest and most sincere laugh. He has the best banter, the smoothest jokes. He may not be the best looking in the world, but his height, strong build, and crisp eyes held their own anywhere and everywhere. He was beautiful in a whole other sense of the term. I couldn’t get enough of him. The thought of him leaving me had me short of breath. What would my life be like without his wide smile? How could someone make me so happy and make me the most miserable person in the world?

“Okay, so you just need some time.” My voice sounded foreign in my own ears. “How’d you know where I was last night?

Jordan grunted. “Not from your dad.”

My dad hated him something rotten. He had no time for him and I always wondered if that was one of the complications in our relationship that Jordan didn’t have the patience for. I’m sure he could do without my dad’s snide comments or interference. In truth, we all could.

“I hit up five other parties before I fell into the right one.” Wow. His need for the single life must be in a desperate state if he spent time actually looking for me.

“You want to hang out at my dorm?” I asked. It wouldn’t be the same as my room at home, but it was better than nothing. Better than saying goodbye.

He shook his head. His eyelids were heavy, his face drawn-out. He didn’t want to breakup any more than I did, I could see it. This had to be about something else. “No. I’ll take you back, though. I need some space away from you to think. When you’re upset nothing makes sense to me. I don’t want to agree to anything out of guilt.”

I wiped at my nose with the back of my hand. I was a lot cooler on the outside than on the inside. Inside I was paralyzed with pain. I wished Jordan could feel just for a second what he made me feel. Both our drinks were full. They were only on the table as a buffer; objects to put between us to make us believe we were in the coffee house for the same reasons as anyone else—to drink coffee. But none of us had the stomach for it.

A black cloud settled over the pale blue sky and a light spattering of rain decorated the windows. “Okay,” I said, “Take me home.”

WHEN JORDAN DROPPED M
E
off a
t
the dorms, the mood in the car was somber
.
My body felt like it had been strapped down with weights trying to get out of the car, but somehow I managed it. Jordan leaned over the console to kiss me goodbye and his lips felt like home, his hands reassuring on my face. The feelings I had for this boy didn’t equate to breaking up. It made no sense to me and I was pissed at myself for acting so weak at the hands of someone else.

“Bye,” he said amongst a sigh. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

I hadn’t invited her over so I wasn’t expecting to find Kit sitting on the steps outside of my building. She snapped her gum, looking up at me. “Everything okay in lover’s paradise?”

Should I lie? I doubted my face was capable of masking what was going on in my head. “Ask me later,” I said, fastened to the spot in front of her. “He took me for milkshake. We didn’t talk a whole lot.”

Guilt washed over her face before it was swept away with concern. “I guess cuz of last night, right?”

“I was drunk. That will never
ever
happen again. I can’t blame anyone but myself. No one forced me to act like a humongous slut.”

“What was with Jules calling you out like that? He was wired.”

“I can’t even think about him,” I said, pushing him far away from concern.

“Yeah well, this morning I helped him get it out of his system. If you know what I mean.” Kit’s smirk left little to the imagination and I grimaced at the gruesome picture she had planted.

I was purely asking out of politeness. “Are you two…?”

“Not a thing, no. You don’t date a player.” Kit shook her head. “I think it’s in a rule book somewhere. Uh-huh, no, you do not pin one down. They’re like free spirits, you know?”

“Okayyyy.” Dumbest thing I ever heard, but moving on…

“There’s an away game tonight. We’re all driving out, kinda like a road trip. You in?”

I thought about my relationship that was hanging by a tiny thread. I wasn’t in the mood, I’d be no kind of company worth keeping. “I can’t.”

“What do you have to do?”

“I just can’t.”

“If this is about last night, don’t sweat it. We’ve all been there, everyone’s forgot by now. Maybe not Katlyn and Jordan, but I’m sure they’ll get over it. Worse things have happened.” Katlyn must have been the brunette who was glued to Nicky’s side for most of the night. “Listen, we leave in an hour and it’d be really great to see you. We’re meeting at my place. I hope you change your mind. Bring Jordan if you want.”

“Maybe,” I said, fishing out my keys.

“Maybe see you later then.”

Kit waved goodbye and I let myself inside, trudging up the stairs as if I was trying to conquer Mount Everest. Mia and Marilyn were both out when I got to our dorm room, not that it mattered. Mia was as silent as a lamb, but Marilyn’s “I told you so” would be too much to take. I flopped onto my bed on my back and then curled up on my side. My head was throbbing and my throat was dry. What the fuck was going to come of me and Jordan? The suspense until tomorrow was going to eat away at me. I had the sickest feeling of not being able to do anything about the train wreck that was speeding my way. There was going to be a head on collision and I felt it down to the bottom of my heart that I was going to be the only casualty. In a sense, I wished I’d let him put me out of my misery at the coffee shop. Just get it all out there—anything had to be better than waiting. He had the cards and I was hanging back quietly, waiting to be dealt my unfair hand.

But that’s the thing about gambling. The house always wins. How many times was I willing to lose before I was strong enough to call it a day? Because strength wasn’t hanging on to a dilapidated relationship. Strength was knowing when enough was enough and not being afraid to let go.

An hour had already passed by the time I had hauled my ass up and bothered to get in the car to drive to Glenvale. My thoughts were all of Jordan, and I was moving out of a natural robotic instinct. Lying in bed for the rest of the day would have been arguably suitable, but Nellie was much more important.

Funnily enough, the world didn’t end because I was suffering a personal crisis.

I pulled into the parking lot and signed myself in. Nellie was fast asleep in her room so I planted a kiss on her cheek and left some supplies in her room: cookies, hard candy, and a box of spearmint tea. I stood in the small room, my gaze sweeping over the pictures hanging on the walls. There was a black and white print of her earlier marriage to pops, one of my dad from high-school, and one of my mom with me when she was younger and I was just a baby. Her skin was a shade darker than mine and her hair long and black.

I’d had mine dyed in high school after I got fed up of my dad’s constant personal attacks on my Mexican roots and his burden of regret over ever having crossed paths with my mother. I would never admit that he was the reason why my dark-chocolate waves were now hidden under caramel blonde, and I would
never ever
admit that Jordan hinting that he preferred blonde’s was why I hadn’t dyed my hair back to its natural shade.

I tucked in the blankets around Nellie’s slim shoulders. Her skin was cool and I turned the dial up on the heat. Outside I sat in my car, my brain whirring with all kinds of crap I could really do without, and Jordan was at the forefront. I wanted to see him. It was feasible he could be spending the rest of his night with as much angst as me.

My phone vibrated across the dash with a message from an unsaved number.

Unknown:
Why didn’t you come?

Me:
Who is this?

Unknown:
Seven. Heard you went for milkshake with your ‘boyfriend’

Fucking Kit!

Me:
Lose the air quotes. And it’s none of your business.

Unknown:
You are so naïve.

I sent one last message before I turned my phone off:

Me:
Julian, I don’t know how you got my number, but do me a favor and delete it.

<>

Two days later I cradled my phone in the crook of my shoulder blade, scrubbing a towel through my wet hair with my free hands. My dad had been ranting for the last hour about how juvenile I was to think I would be better off in co-ed dorms than his ‘
more than adequate home’
and the only accomplishment I was likely achieve would be an unwanted teenage pregnancy. I stepped into a pair of jean shorts and wrestled a comb through my hair.

“I like it here,” I said. “My roommate’s great. You would like her.” I smiled at how much he would hate Mia and her inability to adjust to social standards. It was a victory in the smallest of ways amongst everything else.

My dad scoffed. “At least it’s a
her.
And you can tell Marilyn she’s on my shitlist.”

“Oh, by the way,” I threw in, just to really piss him off, “Jordan dropped by.”

“Well knock me down with a feather. Was he aware?”

I pinched my mouth together, my rush of anger straining against my lips. “Of course he was. But thanks for reminding me what an asshole you are.”

There was an obnoxious knocking at the door and I thanked God for the escape.

“Gotta go.” I hung up and threw the phone onto the bed. I was in my bra and I pulled on a hoody to cover up. This had to be Jordan and there wasn’t room for anything other than optimism.

I opened the door and straight away wished I was still on the phone with my dad when I saw Julian leaning against the doorframe. His dark hair glistened with sweat, his skin shining with it. He was topless, a deep-green and orange football jersey tucked into the back of his white football pants. Two girls walked behind him, one of them licking her lips at his overdone display of tanned skin. “Hey, Seven. Great game Friday. You were awesome.”

He barely turned. “You bet, Sidney.”

I stood there impatiently. He must know every girls name on campus. I wondered if Sidney was in our Sociology class. I took note that there was a good chance she roomed on the same floor as me and I would look for her later.

“Why are you here?” I asked Julian, when his fan base had gone and he still hadn’t spoken a word.

“We’ve got an assignment, remember? Might as well get it out the way.”

“You came all the way over here on a Sunday morning to start our assignment?”

I didn’t want him here for two reasons: One: The way he embarrassed me by dragging me out of Kit’s party (what I remember of it at least). And two: The way I embarrassed myself, no help needed from Julian.

“I’m five minutes from here. I came straight from practice. Your dad can be a real mean ass when he wants to be.” Julian leaned in, his arm snaking higher up the doorframe. “Think he got his period early this month.”

I suppressed a smile. I knew that better than anyone but I wasn’t in line for agreement. “I’m sure you turned up hungover.”

“Your presumptions cut like a knife.” He strolled past me like I wasn’t there and dropped down onto my bed. The mattress immediately sunk under his weight.

“Do you mind?” I said, exerting a shit-load of effort to pull him up. “You’re all sweaty.”

He wouldn’t budge, just sat there laughing at my feeble attempts. Mia emerged from her hibernation, sticking out her matted head from under the duvet. She picked up her glasses from the night stand and stared at Julian with wide brown eyes. He winked at her when she didn’t speak, and I was strangely proud when she didn’t so much as flinch. She got out of bed, her angry eyes flitting from Julian to her alarm clock displaying the mark of too early in the morning, then back to Julian. She grabbed her shower caddy and let the door slam behind her.

Julian arched an eyebrow. “What the fuck?”

“Not everyone falls at your feet, apparently.”

“She’s… weird.”

“And you are annoying.” I took my hairdryer from the drawer. “If you’re here to start our assignment, where’s your pens, your notebook?” I looked over Julian’s lack of… anything.

“I told you, I came straight from practice. I knew you’d have those things.”

I dried my hair under Julian’s constant scrutiny and then went into the bathroom to put on a T-shirt under my hoody. “Where do you want to do this?” I asked with obvious reservations, coming back into the room. I was appalled to see him lying down on my bed, his sweaty back all over my sheets.

“Right here?” he said. “You on top—”

“The library,” I suggested, my patience wearing thin. Humoring him wouldn’t be for long. I’d have a new partner in no time. “And could you get off my sheets, you are disgustingly wet and now I’ll need to wash these.”

He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, his sneakers making a thud on the floor. “Whatever you want,
Angel
.”

“Don’t say my name like that.”

“Like what?”

“You know like what. All slow and suggestive.” He had no idea how much time I didn’t have for this shit.

He grinned. “Maybe I’m hoping you’ll let me have some of what you gave to Nicky.”

And final nail in the jerkoff coffin. I put my hands on my hips, furious. “Get out. Now!”

Julian didn’t look too bothered. “I’m kidding, lighten up would ya?”

“You are an ass. A big, fat fucking ass. Your good looks will only get you so far before everyone sees what a complete dipshit lives on the inside.”

“You think I’m good looking?”

“Really? That’s what you got from that?” I waved my hands in front of me. “You know what, I don’t care. Just get out of my room before I call security.”

“What you gonna call security and say? That I’m sitting here, waiting to get on with my schoolwork?”

I shook my head in disbelief. “How does anyone stand you?”

“Come on, I think we both know how.”

“You’re not here for schoolwork, you are here to irritate the shit out of me, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why. There must be hundreds—no, this is you we are talking about here—make that thousands of girls you could harass right now. So would you leave already, you are ruining my Sunday.”

Marilyn’s door burst open, exposing an angry scowl and fluffy bed-head. “What’s going on?” she asked loudly. It took all of a second for her eyes to widen, seeing Julian sitting on my bed, and I groaned when her teeth showed through a smile. “Oh, okay. I see.”

“What’s up, Marilyn?” I didn’t know why it surprised me that Julian knew her name, but it did. I couldn’t picture these two as friends. I’d stupidly thought Marilyn had more sense. “Nice hair,” he said with a slight smirk.

“What are you two doing?” She asked with more suspicion than curiosity. “And where’s Mia?”

“When you can’t take the heat, leave the kitchen,” Julian said, making no fucking sense. We weren’t even doing anything. “So she left.”