Falling in Love Again (33 page)

So you see, Simon. There’s no point now. No point at all. I’m sorry.’

Hugh’s eyes – she couldn’t see him as a Simon after all these months – glistened. ‘I think she wrote the diary for me. To explain it all. To explain why she took the overdose.’

Alison gulped, darting a furtive look at her sister who was biting her lip. Feeling sick, she flicked through the pages. ‘Children! She mentions children. What happened to them?’

A cold laugh. ‘They didn’t exist. Only in her imagination. My sister had had countless miscarriages and she had a name for each one of her children. It was one of the problems; she was desperate to continue some new treatment. And she couldn’t have done that without him.’

‘But the niece . . .’ Alison waved round the flat. ‘The niece who owns this. What about her?’

Hugh looked at her steadily. Unflinching. ‘Adopted. She’s left me in charge of the flat while she’s working in the States.’

‘But why did you pretend you needed a room to live in?’

‘So I could flatter you. Pretend I wanted to ask you out.’

The realisation slammed so sharply that she could feel the pain of the rejection, despite everything he had just said. He hadn’t fancied her. Hadn’t meant those things he had said. She wasn’t attractive. He had used her . . .

‘I still don’t understand.’ Caroline was biting her lip. ‘You contacted Alison to get at me. But how did you know she was my sister?’

‘YOU again! You really ought to be more careful about what you say, Caroline! You laughed about it, if I remember correctly. Said your sister wasn’t likely to find anyone else at her time of life, so the best thing she could do was join a group of other abandoned saddos.’

Alison gulped at the betrayal. ‘You said that?’

Caroline looked away. ‘I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry. I didn’t know Adeline killed herself. After she spoke to me and told me how much Bruce meant to her, I finished it.’ She shrugged, looking away at the same time. ‘I’d never spoken to a wife before.’

‘Sorry,’ said Hugh coldly, ‘will never bring back my sister. But revenge helps. I’ve already dealt with my brother-in-law but I didn’t see why you should get away with it too. It ruined all our lives – I even chucked in my job as a matrimonial lawyer because I couldn’t stomach it any more.’ He laughed again. ‘That’s why I was au fait with investigation agencies. Then I joined the divorce group with the express intention of seducing her and getting my own back on you.’

‘That’s sick.’

‘No. Women like you are sick. Women who have affairs with other women’s men and then leave because they don’t want the commitment.’

His eyes switched to her. ‘I didn’t enjoy hurting you, Alison. You’re a nice woman, believe it or not. But I hope it’s taught your sister a lesson. She’s a marriage breaker. And they need to be stopped, like my sister said. It’s the least I can do for her. Now get out. Both of you.’

44

KAREN

Karen couldn’t believe it when Alison rang to tell her about Hugh. Part of her felt responsible. Had she been naïve to advertise the group in the paper? Maybe she should have checked them all out first.

‘How could you?’ Clive pointed out. They were sitting in a wine bar in a rather nice town that she’d never been to before but which was only half an hour away. Not too far that she couldn’t get back if she felt uncomfortable. But far enough away for Adam or Hayley or anyone else to see them.

For some reason, she hadn’t told anyone she had accepted Clive’s invitation. They’d have made a fuss; seen it as a date. And frankly, she wasn’t quite sure what it was. So far, Clive hadn’t done any of the usual things that past boyfriends had done such as brushing against her accidentally as they held the car door open or trying to hold her hand after five minutes. He seemed more concerned about Alison.

‘The only way of checking people out,’ he continued, raising his voice against the noise of people at the bar, ‘is to have the resources that the police do. You know, that Criminal Disclosure Form that people have to fill in if they’re working with children and vulnerable groups. And we don’t know if Hugh, or Simon or whatever he calls himself, has that.’

Karen fiddled with the stem of her wine glass. ‘Alison and her sister are worried about what he said about his brother-in-law. Something about having dealt with him.’

‘That puts it in a different light.’ Clive seemed to be thinking. ‘Maybe you ought to get them to report it in that case.’

She felt a bit hot. ‘Could that mean I’ll be in trouble?’

‘How could you be?’

 He was looking at her now in what could only be described as an admiring fashion. It made her feel both frightened and excited at the same time. Powerful even. Although that wasn’t what she wanted to feel; not right now when everything was so unsettled.

‘You’re the warmest, kindest person I know.’ He was still looking at her. ‘Alison’s told me a bit about your meetings. She comes back glowing after them and there’s definitely an air of confidence about her which she didn’t have before.’

‘Really? But that might have been Hugh.’

‘Possibly,’ he conceded. ‘Still, the fact that she felt able to talk to you proves how important you are. You’ve helped so many people who would otherwise be on their own. I wish I’d had something like that when it happened to me.’

Something made her wait. Not leap in with the kind of questions she would normally have asked. Like had he been married? Who left who? Why, at his age, was he still living in a rented room?

It seemed to take ages before he finally spoke. ‘You know, I haven’t told anyone about this.’

Her hands began to sweat on the glass stem.

‘But there’s something about you, Karen, that makes me want to tell you. Somehow, I think you’ll understand.’

He was waiting now. He wanted her to say something.

‘Try me,’ she said softly.

He took a deep sigh and settled back into his seat. ‘I married young. We did in the seventies.’

So he was older than he looked!

‘My wife and I were all right at first. As I say, we married young – it was one reason why I dropped out of veterinary college. But then we started trying for kids.’

She nodded. ‘Children are wonderful but they’re an incredible strain on the relationship. Lizzie . . . I mean one of the girls in the group, says her husband has found it really difficult because she works and is stressed all the time and . . .’

Stop babbling, she told herself. He needs to talk.

‘Actually.’ He stopped, looking across the room. ‘Actually, it was because we couldn’t have children that it all went wrong.’

Not have children? That was terrible! ‘I’m so sorry.’

He nodded in quiet acknowledgement. ‘Thanks. So was I. You see it was my fault.’

No! ‘You can’t see it that way. Just because you were the one who couldn’t have children, doesn’t mean you should blame yourself.’

His voice dropped now so she could barely hear it. ‘But it wasn’t me. It was her.’

‘Then why . . .’

‘Because I refused to adopt. I had this crazy idea that if we couldn’t have children naturally, we shouldn’t have them at all.’

‘Oh.’

She hadn’t meant to say it but it came out. And the tone said more than any words could.

‘You see?’ He was shaking his head. ‘You thought I should have been more flexible too.’

‘I didn’t . . .’

‘It’s all right. So it all went wrong. I let her have the house – I didn’t feel it was right to take my share in view of everything – and then I bought a smaller one and threw myself into my job.’ He smiled wryly. ‘Production manager, before you ask. Pretty dull. It’s how I came across Nancy, Ed’s stepmother. I was at a regional branch of the department store she works for.’

She wanted to know more. ‘And then?’

He laughed as though at himself. ‘Then one day I woke up and thought, ‘I hate this’. I didn’t need the money – my mother left me a bit – so I rented out the house and decided to work in a library down south because I love books and I wanted to go somewhere completely new. I didn’t want the responsibility of owning a house down here so that’s why I’m renting. When my own tenant moves out in six months time, I might move on.’

He turned to look at her. ‘But I’ll tell you something, Karen. I’ve learned to embrace change. Not be scared by it.’

Just what she’d been telling the group except that she hadn’t believed it herself. Until now maybe.

‘I can understand most of that – particularly the books bit. Paul used to laugh at me when we went on holiday because I always packed my books before the clothes.’

‘I’m like that! Look!’ He delved into his pocket to bring out a paperback.

‘Thought you ought to bring something in case you got bored?’ she joked.

‘No!’

‘Don’t worry. I’m only joking. I read that last week actually. He’s good, isn’t he?’

They spent a few minutes discussing the author whom they both felt ought to have more recognition.

‘Another glass?’

‘No thanks. I can only take one or my knees get wobbly.’

He laughed. It was a nice, warm laugh that made her feel at home. If it wasn’t for that funny little tingle she got every time he spoke or looked at her, she’d have felt she’d been talking to an old friend whom she’d known for ages. So his next question took her by surprise.

‘And what about you, Karen? What’s your story?’

Whether it was because of the wine or the atmosphere (the wine bar had become so crowded that they’d had to move nearer each other on the damask seat), it all came out. Bringing up a teenager on her own; the trouble with Hayley; Paul being in prison and – this one with a deep breath – the confession about her own abortion. Stuff she had never told anyone else before apart from her immediate family. The fact that she used to have a nice home – not quite as nice as Alison’s but not far off – but that she now lived in a different world where she had to watch every penny. But that it was all worth it, or so she thought, because she’d been true to herself.

He nodded. ‘Exactly. That’s how I feel.’ He draped his arm along the back of her chair and she felt her chest quicken. ‘You’ve really been through it, haven’t you Karen? What an amazing person you must be.’

Amazing?

‘Just half of that would have finished some people off but you’re always smiling. Always jollying other people along. Yes you are, I’ve seen you. But what are you going to do about your husband?’

‘Ex-husband,’ she said quickly. ‘What do you mean?’

He gave her a look that said she knew exactly what he meant. ‘Well it seems to me that he wants to get back together with you. I mean it’s great that he’s trying to help you sort out the problems with your son and his wife. But from what you’ve told me, he’d like you back again.’

‘Do you think so?’ Again, she felt that mixture of excitement and fear.

‘I do. The question is, do you want him back?’

She’d been asking herself the same question. ‘I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. He needs me. What’s he going to do when he gets out if he doesn’t have somewhere to go to?’

‘So he’s spun you that old line, has he? Sorry Karen. But I’m going to be tough here. It’s great that you’re such a lovely, warm, caring person. But there comes a time when you have to start looking after yourself too. So don’t jump into any decisions. Think about it. Promise me that?’

For a second then, she really did think he was going to put his hand on hers. No! Bother! Good! She had enough complications as it was.

‘What about you, Clive?’ Her voice came out as a bit of a squeak. ‘What are you going to do with the rest of your life? You can’t sofa surf forever.’

That had come out rather more sharply than she’d intended but he was nodding as though it was a perfectly reasonable comment. ‘I’m going to New Zealand, I think. Now my mum’s gone there’s not much else to keep me here. It’s a fairly amazing place out there. And it’s a new start.’ This time he did touch her arm but very briefly. ‘There comes a time in life when we all need one of those. Don’t you think?’

Maybe. But there was something else. ‘What happened to your wife?’

He smiled sadly. ‘She got pregnant after her second marriage.’

‘But how?’

‘IVF or something like that. So you see, Karen, if I’d hung around, we might have done that together. But I’m a great believer in accepting that what has been, has been. You can’t live your life in the past. We’ve all got to move on or else we’d stagnate.’

He pointed to the cigarette end in front of them which someone had just stubbed out. ‘Like that. Getting a bit noisy, isn’t it? Shall I take you home? We can talk more in the car; I’ve just had an idea about your son and daughter-in-law.’

The first thing she did the next morning was to drop in on Hayley on her way to work. As she waited for the front door to open, she wondered what she’d do if Hayley had a man staying over. She was entitled to. After all, she and Adam were separated. But no! A wave of relief washed over her as Hayley opened the door, wearing her work clothes with little Josh who had jam all over his mouth.

‘Gran!’

She smiled at Hayley who looked pale and drawn. ‘I won’t bother you – I know you’re rushing off to nursery. I’m on my way to work, but read this.’

Shoving the bit of paper into her daughter-in-law’s hand, she sped off down the path. If she was quick, she might just get to Doris’s flat and still only be five minutes late for work.

No reply. Paul had said their son had got another job but been vague about the details. She could see the curtains twitching though and was pretty certain she could see Doris’s shape behind them. Making as much noise as she could, Karen slipped the note in through the letter box. It was addressed to her son but she wouldn’t put it past her mother-in-law to read it. And if she wanted to act cool by not opening the door, let her.

Better dash now. If she was going to take a long weekend off next week, she needed to get the hours in. The Isle of Wight! The idea made her feel really excited. Clive was right. She did need something to take her mind off everything. Including the one thing she
hadn’t
told him. That she was still married.