Falling into Forever (Falling into You) (23 page)

I open the door to my ro
om and expect him to follow me. Instead, he remains in the hallway, looking pitiful.

“Come inside.”

“I can’t.”

“I’m not going to attack you. Scout’s honor.
Come inside before I have to scream at you.”

He’s reluctant.
“Only for a minute.”

I shut the door behind us, and h
e sits tentatively on the end of the bed. I hand him a bottle of water from the minibar, and that act manages to elicit a small smile.

“I thought you said minibars were the devil.”

“I thought you said they were God’s little gift to mankind.”

He doesn’t respond to that, but I notice that he reaches into his pocket before beginning to play
with the edge of the blanket, touching it again and again with his hands and shredding the corners.

“They’re going to charge
that blanket to my room, you know.”

“Bill me.”

“Why were you headed up to that roof, Chris?”

He spins his head very slowly to face mine.

“My name is Chris Jensen, and I’m an alcoholic.”

Obviously, I know that. I must have kn
own, even back when we were kids and everyone drank too much. I also knew from the second I saw him in New York that he had gotten sober. Sam’s observations had only confirmed it. I still feel relieved when I hear him say it aloud, when he admits to me that he knows it, too.

“I haven’t had a drink in three years.” He turns to me with a fierce expression. “And I didn’t have one tonight. I wanted one more than I’ve ever wanted one in my life,
but I didn’t have one tonight. You know, in case that was what you were worried about.”

“I wasn’t
worried about that.”

It’s true. I’ve seen Chris drunk, and I’ve seen him tipsy, and I’ve seen him ev
erywhere in between and beyond, and he isn’t any of those things. It doesn’t make my worry any less potent.

“I did AA. The twelve steps.”

“I hoped for it, and I’m glad to hear it now.”

“I
may have skipped the most important one. Making amends. I told you I was sorry for New York, but maybe that’s not really what I’m sorry for.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

“What do you have to be sorry for?”

“Oh, a million things. For being young and stupid
and for not telling you what I really thought and felt. For not demanding that you get the help that you needed. I was just as complicit in a lot of it as you were.” He starts to talk, but I shake my head. “Please don’t. Not if you’re only going to offer an apology that I don’t want to hear.”

“Hallie…”

“Why were you on that roof? You still haven’t answered the question.”

He
looks out the window and his words are barely audible. “I had the bottle. From the minibar, funnily enough, God’s great gift to mankind. I put it to my lips, and I almost took a drink, even while I was on the goddamn phone with my sponsor. He told me to get my ass to a meeting, so I got my ass to a meeting. Of course, I even took the goddamn bottle with me, which is like bringing gasoline to a fire. I went up to the roof to clear my head and to think. I really fucking needed a drink.”

He pulls the bottle from his jacket and hands it to me. “Keep that, please.”

I take it from him and tuck it away. “But you didn’t have a drink.”

He shakes his head in frustration.
“That’s not the point.  And you still haven’t answered my question, Hals, and I asked first. Why are you here? What were you doing up on that roof?”

The total subject change. By far the most annoying weapon in his arsenal.

“I did answer your question. I was worried about you.”

“Why?”

“Why not?”

“I don’t need to be saved.”

“I think everyone needs a little saving every once in a while. But I didn’t come up there to save you. I came up there to make sure you were all right.”

“What do you think? You think I’m all right?”

“I don’t know.”

H
e buries his head in his hands and when he lifts his head again, the look in his eyes nearly shatters me.

“I never wanted you to see me like this
, Hals.”

“Like this? Really?”

I’ve seen him in far worse states. I try to push those memories from my mind, because thinking about Chris like that makes me remember that last terrible night in London, when everything had fallen apart.

He reaches across the distance I’ve put between us and takes my hand in his.

“Like this. Sad. In need of saving, no matter how pathetic that might be.”

“
Last week, I was in need of saving, no matter how pathetic that might be. I owe you one.” I cover his hand with mine, feeling his skin vibrate under my fingers. “This is the only way I can think of to thank you. To check to see if you’re all right.”

“Can you sit with me awhile?”

“Of course.”

I’ve always th
ought of silence as the enemy, so I usually fill it with nonsensical words and silly observations.

But now, with the weight of life resting heavily on both of our shoulders, we sit for
long minutes, letting the silence fill in all of the years stretching between us. There are a thousand things left unsaid, but I’m not ready to dive into that particular wreck.

So, for the first time in my life, I find solace in silence.

And in the warmth of his hand on mine.

The
minutes pass in nothing more than a heartbeat. While I should have had time to prepare for it, his next words shock me out of the magic of the moment.

“I have to
say it, Hals. I can’t be with you, in this room, without saying what I’ve needed to say for five years.”

His
face is wracked with pain. I don’t want to hear this. I try to cover my ears, but I’m not fast enough.

“I don’t know when or if I’m going to see you again, and I can’t let you slip out of my life without telling you how sorry I am.
I’m sorry for not telling Marcus and the publicity people to fuck off, because I know it bothered you and I just pretended like I didn’t notice. I’m sorry for London. I’m sorry for breaking your heart. I’m sorry for being young and stupid and drunk and for not realizing that I was throwing away the love of my life just because I could and because I was a fucking alcoholic who couldn’t admit it to himself. I’m sorry that you had to clean up my messes and apologize for me. I’m sorry for all of it and a thousand more things that I probably did and that I can’t remember because I was so fucked up that I didn’t see you falling away from me.”

His face makes me want to weep.

“I’m sorry, too. I gave up on you. I didn’t know how to help you, so I just gave up. I shouldn’t have done that.”

He gives me a sad smile and
stands up.

“No. You shouldn’t have. But I shoul
dn’t have let you. I’m sorry, and I can’t atone.”

As he
opens the door to leave, I remember one last true thing, something that he told me long ago. I call after him in a soft voice.

“Chris?”

He turns around and I whisper it so that only he can hear.

“It’s a hell of a thing to apologize to someone you love. Because it means that you have to admit to that person that you’re not perfect, that they’re not perfect, that no one will ever be perfect. Because in saying you’re sorry, you’re real
ly admitting that you’re human.”

“
Someone smart must have told you that.”

“You told me that.”

He gives me a bittersweet smile. “I forgot to tell you that you look beautiful tonight. But then again, you always do.”

With that, he’s gone.
There’s a terrible finality about those words that’s magnified as the door shuts between us.

I sink into the
bed.

Why do apologies always feel like
goodbyes?

CHRIS

5 Years Earlier

London

“Jesus. What the fuck? They expect people to walk on this shit?”

I glance down at the black and white tiles,
which are arranged in geometric lines and shapes. The beats from the club are still pounding out a conflicting pattern in my head. I should have just taken another pill and kept dancing. That movement, unlike walking, was doable.

“It’s just some floor tile, Jensen.”

Marcus has his arm around me, but I throw it off.

“I can fucking walk, asshat.”

He lifts his arms. “I never said you couldn’t.”

I stumble slightly.

“What kind of an asshole agent are you? The club was open for at least another hour or two. I’m supposed to be celebrating right now. I’m done with the fucking movie, and you made me enough money that I can pay thousands of dollars to stay in your SHIT HOTEL.”

I yell the
last words at the night clerk. He looks at me like I’ve just defaced a portrait of the queen before immediately picking up the phone on the desk.

“Chris. Shut. The. Fuck. Up,
” Marcus hisses, before rushing over to talk to the guy at the desk.

“What are you saying? You better not be apologizing right now. They’re the ones who should be apologizing
for this fucking ugly ass floor,” I yell, the sound of my voice echoing loudly through the lobby.

Marcus
gives me a vicious death stare, but I choose to ignore it. Fuck him. Seriously. He talks to the clerk in hushed tones before coming back to my side.

“Get your ass upstairs
, Chris, before they call security and kick us both out of here.”

I give him a little salute. “
Aye, aye, captain. I was just going to do that. I need to see Hallie. Where the fuck is she? Why didn’t she come out with us? What’s the point of having a girlfriend if she won’t even come out dancing? Useless.”

Marcus grabs my arm and shoves me into the elevator and pushes the button at least a dozen times.

“She did come with us. Don’t you remember?”

I remember dancing. With a girl in a red dress. Who may or may not have been Hallie. Fucking hell. The music is starting to pound its beat again.

“Sure.”

“Sure.” Marcus
takes a long, even breath. “Chris, I think you should stay with me tonight. There’s no use in waking Hallie up right now. The two of you are supposed to fly back to the States tomorrow, and I’m sure she would appreciate a little sleep.”

“You know what I think Hallie would appreciate?” I try to remember what my next words are supposed to be, but my head is fuzzy and I’ve lost my thought, so I frown at Marcus instead.

“Chris, it’s not a good idea.”

“Since when were women ever a good idea?” I lean back against the cool metal of the elevator and let it linger on my skin for a minute. Bile is starting to rise in my throat and I manage to choke it down again. I feel like shit. And I need Hallie.

“Except for Hallie. Hallie is always a good idea.”

“Fine.
Hallie is always a good idea. Just like it’s a good idea to let her see you like this. But what do I know? You’re just going to do whatever it is that you want to do anyway. Just like always.”

T
he elevator doors suddenly open to a dizzying array of enormous plants and an endless series of doors with numbers. I look to Marcus for help.

“It’s 1235.”

“I knew that.”

“Of course you did. You know everything, right? You’re perfectly aware of your limits.”

“Are you trying to say that I can’t handle myself? Fuck you, Marcus. And your little dog, too.”

Just as the elevator doors start to close on
his face, I realize that I have no idea where I’m going.

“Hey! Where’s my room?”

“1235. I’ll see you tomorrow. Try to actually get your ass to the plane on time. Not like last time.”

I shove my middle finger in his direction and try to make myself stand up straighter. Hallie. Where’s Hallie?

I tap each of the doors as I pass them. 1234. 1236. What the hell is the number again? And where is my fucking key? I dig through my jeans, and I can’t even find where my wallet is supposed to be, so I knock again and again on the door that seems like the right one.

“Hallie. Open the goddamn door.”

I hear a click. Hallie is standing in the middle of the door frame, curly puffs of long hair floating all around her face. She looks pissed. Very, very pissed. She moves aside to let me in before shutting the door behind us. With a slightly disgusted look, she takes a step back and then another.

“Hallie. My love.”

I cross the distance between us, pick her up and swing her into my arms. I start to cover her face with kisses, but she’s wriggles against me. I’m knocked off balance and she sways precariously in my arms.