Falling into Surrender (6 page)

I don’t know what else to say right now. I feel so lost without you. Please, baby, come home with me. We’ll figure all of this out together.

I love you

Gabriel

Chapter Eight

Victoria

Gabriel.
I hug the letter to my chest, suddenly missing him so much it hurts to breathe. The thought that our relationship hangs in the balance is too painful to bear.
What’s going to happen to us if I can’t beat these charges?

I can’t think about any of it right now. Slipping back into numbness, I fold the letter up and stash it beneath my mattress. Out of sight…
hopefully out of mind.

The next two weeks drift by agonizingly slow. It seems like all I can do is sleep. Officer Wright is the only person I allow on my approved visitors list, and he stops in frequently. The police department was kind enough to give him a place to crash while he’s here, but he says he’ll have to go back to Idaho soon.

The guards have tried to deliver several more letters from Gabriel, but I refused them. I can’t think about him right now. I need to tuck him and all of my feelings away until I know what’s going to happen. It isn’t easy, in fact, it’s been agonizing. I want nothing more than to take comfort in his loving words, but I know I can’t. It’s only going to make it that much more difficult if the charges are kept.

The detectives, as well as Gabriel’s attorney have stopped by several times to question me. The same questions, over and over, it seems like. I guess they’re testing me, but I never waver. I’m telling the truth, and that’s all I can do.

After the third week, Officer Wright is gone but continues to send me letters from Idaho. I’m grateful for his help. I’ve stopped sleeping as much and started reading books instead. I find comfort in them, one of the few things I still can. Right now I’m reading The Count of Monte Cristo. Somewhat fitting given my current circumstances. I want something lengthy to keep me occupied.

In some weird twist of fate, I’ve just read the part where the guards have heaved Dante into the sea when a shadow passes over my door. It’s one of the guards, looking a little too cheerful for my liking. He slides open the door, replacing the keys on his belt.

“C’mon.” He gestures me forward. “It’s time to go.”

My suspicion takes the form of snarkiness as I quirk my eyebrow at him in question.
Time to go… where?

“What do you mean?”

“You are officially free to go,” he says, apparently unfazed by my bitter tone. “All charges dropped. Your boyfriend is waiting outside for you, and he’s brought you a fresh change of clothes to go home in.”

I can’t move. At first I think I might be delusional, imagining things. I set down my book and take a step like the floor is made of lava. Like someone’s about to jump out and tell me it’s all some big joke, and I’m the butt of it.

The way the guard’s looking at me tells me this probably isn’t at all unusual. I force both my feet to cooperate as I walk down the long corridors, looking over my shoulder every chance I get. The guard takes me to a small room where a female guard gives me some clothing to wear. It’s a thin summer skirt and blouse with matching sandals. No doubt Gabriel picked them out because I notice they’re all designer tags. The thought that I’m walking out of prison in designer clothing is a little ridiculous.

After I change, I’m given a bag full of the contents I had with me when I arrived. Which, after my clothing had been taken as evidence, turns out to be only a small bracelet I was wearing that day, as well as a few coins from my pocket. The detectives are there to greet me. They explain that their investigation is complete, and all charges against me have been dropped.

Overwhelming emotion takes the form of dizziness as they lead me towards freedom. Outside the gates, a black car is waiting, with Gabriel leaning casually against it. I come to a dead halt as he strides across the lot and scoops me up into his arms, kissing me softly.

His warmth, his touch, his scent… they all wash over me like a balm to my battered spirit.
This is really happening.
Gabriel pulls away, holding me at arm’s length while he studies me for a few moments.

“Jesus, baby,” he whispers. “You’re skin and bones. What did they do to you in there?”

“It’s nice to see you too,” I say through the rush of tears.

He furrows his brow and pulls me back into his arms, burying his face in my hair. “I’ve missed you so much.”

He ushers me to the waiting car and Paul opens the door for us, greeting me with a bigger smile than I’m used to. As I glance over my shoulders, I see the detectives smiling back at me.

Once inside the confines of the car, Gabriel already has the privacy screen up. He sets me down on the seat before sliding in next to me. His expression has changed from one of pure elation to one of uncertainty as he speaks.

“Victoria,” he begins. “Are we okay? Do we need to talk about what happened?”

I cut him off by climbing astride him and wrapping my hands around his neck, holding his head in place as I lean in and kiss him. A heart wrenchingly sweet kiss. His lips feel so good on mine I never want to leave them. Gabriel groans beneath me and clutches me like his very life depends on it.

“I need you,” I whisper against him.

It’s all I have to say. His hands set to removing as much of my clothing as he has the patience for. When he reaches my panties, he simply pulls them aside while I unzip his pants. He’s hard as steel in my palm when I grasp him, and I wonder if he can feel the crazy amount of tension between us too. The buildup of our time spent away from each other, and everything that we’ve been though together. This is what I need, to feel him inside of me, connected to me. I don’t hesitate for a moment as I lower myself onto him.

Gabriel makes love to me during the entire car ride home. It’s different than what I’m used to, and I’m not sure why. He’s treating me like I’m made of glass. And when we are finished, I swear I can see regret in his eyes.

“What’s the matter?” I ask nervously.

“Nothing,” he reassures me. “I just don’t want to hurt you.”

I nod, trying to accept that he’s just being protective.

“We’re here,” he announces.

When I look out the window and realize we’re at his apartment, a bit of panic takes over.

“Alanna!” I say quickly. “I need to go to my apartment and see her.”

Then for a brief moment I wonder why she didn’t come with Gabriel to get me. It seems so unlike her. Perhaps she’s still feeling guilty, or maybe Gabriel told her he preferred to come alone. Either way, I need to see her, talk to her, and make sure that we’re all right.

“It’s okay,” Gabriel reassures me. “You’ll see her soon I promise.”

With a chaste kiss to my forehead, he redresses me and tugs me out of the car. I trail behind him, not really sure what he means, but I’m too overwhelmed to argue. As I walk through the fresh air, it finally hits me.
I’m free.
Not just from prison, but from running, from Eleanore, all of it. I can finally live without looking back over my shoulder. Although, I suspect, it will still take more time for that to really sink in.

As we step into the elevator, Gabriel seems a bit nervous and somewhat detached. He has his arm wrapped tightly around my shoulder, but I can tell his thoughts are elsewhere. When we finally arrive at the top floor and open his door, we’re greeted by a swarm of friendly faces. Alanna, Trevor, Angelina, and Abel are all waiting inside for us.

There’s a commotion all around me as I’m quickly scooped up for hugs… by everyone but Alanna. She is standing back nervously, watching me with a shy smile on her face.
So not like the Alanna I know.
I take a tentative step towards her, and her lips finally curl up into a full blown grin as she pulls me in for a bear hug.

Gabriel ushers the rest of the guests into the kitchen to get some drinks, and I’m left alone with Alanna. She pulls away from me slowly, concern furrowing her brow.

“Victoria, I want to explain…”

“It’s okay. It doesn’t have to be right now.”

“No, it does,” she states firmly. “I can’t stand walking around for one more day with this on my chest. You were refusing our letters and visits over the last couple of weeks, and I’ve been so racked with guilt. Please, just give me five minutes. Come out to the balcony with me?”

I glance across the room at Gabriel, and though Trevor is engaging him in conversation, he gives me a reassuring nod. I take Alanna’s outstretched hand and follow her out to the balcony. Once the glass door is shut behind us, we both sit down on the wicker chairs facing each other.

“Victoria, first of all, I have to say that I am so sorry I didn’t tell you before. I know it’s too late to say it now, but over the years I did try to tell you. Every time I thought I could, you would say something so nice, and I would chicken out. I couldn’t bear to have you hate me for what I did.”

“I don’t hate you,” I reply softly. “I just don’t understand what happened.”

Alanna takes a deep breath and her eyes fill with tears as she explains. “One night when I told you I was going out to do some errands, what I was really doing was looking to score. It had been over a week since my last fix, and I was broke, going through withdrawals and completely desperate. I was too ashamed to tell you how pathetic I was. I didn’t know how to get help. I didn’t want to admit to anyone that I had a problem.”

“You weren’t pathetic,” I intervene, placing my hand on hers. “You were in a bad way. We all do things we aren’t proud of at one time or another.”

“Well what I’m about to tell you is probably the most shameful thing I ever did,” she says regretfully. “Not long after I left the hotel that night, I realized there was a man following me. I don’t think he knew I was onto him, but I played it cool. I would lose him for a little while, and I walked into the seediest parts I could find, trying to make a deal with somebody. I just needed a little fix, that’s what I kept telling myself. After five different dealers refused me, and one even threatened to hurt me if I didn’t leave, I got really desperate. I kept walking, and the man kept following me. I figured he was obviously a creep, but he was probably only interested in one thing.”

Alanna pauses for a few moments, shaking her head as she gathers the courage to continue. I squeeze her hand for reassurance as the tears really start flowing. “I tried to sell myself to him, Victoria. I was that fucking desperate. I offered him sex if he could give me some cash.”

A weird noise escapes my throat and I realize I’m shaking my head. It’s probably coming across as judgment, but it isn’t. It’s pure heartbreak.

“I’m so sorry, Alanna,” I say. “I had no idea you were that desperate. I should have seen it sooner.”

“No,” she says firmly. “I wouldn’t let you see it. You had taken me away from my hell, and I wanted to be strong for you, make you proud. I didn’t want you to see it.”

I nod, even though I really don’t understand it.
She could have come to me.
I try to ignore my nagging thoughts and ask her what happened next instead.

“Well, the guy wasn’t interested in sex with me,” she says with red cheeks. “Which was actually a huge relief. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I said it.”

“Anyway, I guess he could see how weak and desperate I was, and he seized the opportunity. He made up some bullshit story about being an undercover detective and he was working on some case. He said that me and my friend fit the profile of two women who had been kidnapped and sold into human trafficking. He told me he would give me some cash, and all I had to do was verify our names. I knew he was full of shit, but I went along with it. I tried to lie, to make up some fake names and stuff. But he knew I was lying. He shoved me up against a wall and threatened to choke me to death if I didn’t tell him your real name. I was scared, Victoria. I didn’t know what else to do, so I told him who you were.”

Alanna pauses, gulping in air and wiping the tears from her face before continuing. “As soon as he was gone, I went back to the dealer and got what I could. I came straight to the hotel and told you that bullshit story about being recognized. It was surprisingly easy at first, lying to you. I was so used to lying to Mitchell to cover my tracks. But when I saw how concerned you were for me, and thought about everything that you had already done for me, the guilt set in. I had never felt more like a piece of shit in my life than I did in that moment.”

“After we ran, I knew what I had to do. What I wanted to do. Not only had I tried to sell my body for drugs, I sold out the only person I actually had in my corner. I was lost and depressed, and I knew I had hit rock bottom. I didn’t think there was ever any getting out of it. So when you left to get groceries, I took every pill I had. I knew it wouldn’t be fair to you, to find me dead like that, but I figured it would be better than if I left and did it somewhere else. You wouldn’t stop looking for me if I did that, and I was hoping that by the time you got back to the hotel, I would be dead. You could just pack up and leave without me burdening you anymore.”

It takes a moment for what Alanna just told me to sink in.
She actually tried to kill herself.
The thought is unbearable.

“My God, Alanna, I had no idea. I thought it was an accident. I never once felt like you were a burden on me.” I take a moment to control my own shaky voice. “In fact, just the opposite. You were the only person in the world I had to rely on. I… I don’t know what I would have done if you had died. I would have been devastated.”