Fallout (25 page)

THAT MAKES ME LAUGH

Unfortunately, my mouth is full.

I lift my hand, barely in time

to save the windshield from

a spray of chicken taco.

Hey, now!
he says, laughing too.

I just detailed this car, you know.

He starts the Acura, aims it toward

school.
And anyway, what’s so funny?

Somehow, I manage to swallow what’s

left of my lunch. I shake my head.

“It’s just the hormone thing reminded

me of something Aunt Cora might say.”

Why do you live with your aunt?

The blunt question catches me

by surprise. “Uh … actually,

we both live with my grandfather….”

But that’s not what he wants to know.

What happened to your parents?

I SHOULD HAVE AN ANSWER READY

But I never expected

I’d need one. I pretty

much figured Bryce

would lose interest

in me long before

asking that question.

Chunks of truth thump

round in my brain like rocks

in a tumbler: They were

too young, clueless,

selfish. Hell-bent

to party, to fight,

to find trouble. Mired

heart-deep in love,

in pain, in addiction.

But I don’t want to talk

about the monster, don’t

have the courage to say

“prison.” These words

define me as a freak.

And so, as Bryce turns

into the designated

student parking lot,

pulls into a space, a lie

(at least I think it’s a lie)

leaks from my mouth.

“My parents are dead.”

TEARS POOL IN MY EYES

Bryce mistakes embarrassment

for sadness. He reaches for me,

pulls me against the comforting

beat of his heart.
Oh, baby
,

he whispers.
I’m so sorry.

“I don’t … I just … never

talk about it.” That part is true.

You don’t have to talk about

it. Sorry I brought it up.

He kisses my forehead, down

my left temple, the corner of

my eye. Some weird instinct

I never knew I possessed turns

my face into his, and suddenly

we’re kissing a for-real, deadly

serious kiss. His lips are soft.

Warm. Yielding. His tongue,

when it comes, is gentle. Inviting.

My own tongue is accepting and …

SURPRISE NUMBER THREE

Some totally foreign parts

of my body awaken suddenly.

Oh my God. That’s what it’s all

about! We are kissing. Tongue

on tongue. I can’t believe it’s

so easy. So wondrously,

perfectly, impossibly
me
.

I am breathless, but I don’t

want to fight the sensation. For

once,
not
breathing feels right.

I am tingling, too. But in

all the right places.

I DARE

To open my eyes, only to find

Bryce staring at me.

Wow. You know the old saying
,

“You’re beautiful when you cry”?

Well, you definitely are.

“I’m not cry—,” I start, but when

his hand brushes my cheekbone,

his fingers come away wet.

“I guess I am, huh? I’m sorry,

I … uh …” He stops me with

one tear-damp finger against

my lips.
Shh. Nothing to be sorry

about.
He kisses me again,

and this one is even sweeter,

despite a lingering essence

of Esperanza’s world-famous

salsa. Not to mention a spicy

taste in my own mouth. Guilt.

Summer
CRAZY

If I had to use one word

to sum up my life now,

that’s what it would be.

Insane,

pure and simple. Here

I try to do the right thing,

attempt to be one of the

heroes.

What does it get me?

A life tossed into turmoil,

any pretense of stability

shattered. It takes

super-

human strength to get

through the day when

evening might bring pain

or

worse, love, only to have

that love stolen away.

I hold tight to my heart,

otherwise

it might get broken into

tiny little pieces. Taking

a chance on that would

mean you definitely

have to be crazy.

THAT KIND OF DENIAL

Of course means

I must be in love.

Fighting that love

as best I can.

It’s a hopeless battle.

I’m already heart-deep.

Don’t want to be.

Love scares me.

Do want to be.

Love summons me.

Don’t want to be.

It’s an illusion.

Do want to be.

It’s pure magic.

Don’t want to be.

He will smother me.

Do want to be.

He takes my breath away.