Fallout (85 page)

QUESTIONS LIKE

Why am I here?

What have I accomplished

by coming all this way?

I wanted to meet my mother.

Mission accomplished.

What does it mean?

We haven’t even spoken

to each other. My fault,

I guess. Should I have

run into her arms?

Do I open

my arms to her now?

She seems much more

interested in rekindling

things with Trey.

Does she care

at all about getting to

know me? Would she try

harder to break down the wall

if I radiate more gold flecks?

Will I ever find

the courage to storm

the wall myself? What do

I mean to my mother? Why

can’t I open my mouth and ask?

Summer
BEEN THINKING

So much about where I might

be going, I’ve kind of neglected

thinking about where I came from.

Wonder how Christmas was for Ashante.

Did Santa visit? Does she still believe,

despite having her innocence stolen?

What about Simone? Did Bear and Blonde

deliver? How about Eliana and Rosa,

sisters who I never really got to know.

Sisters missing their mother. At least

they have each other. And now that I have

a sister, will we have each other too?

We will not, I predict, ever have a mom,

not the kind who we’ll sit down at dinner

with. Except for on holidays, that is.

I wish Kyle were here to share this

holiday dinner. Wonder what hospital

turkey is like. Wonder if he is lonely.

NOT MUCH ROOM

For loneliness here.

The table is heaped

with food, surrounded

by four generations

of family. It’s sensory

detail, maxed. Perfume

of Christmas feast.

Assorted flavors, blended

with conversation.

Swelling. Fading. Swelling.

Loud. Soft. Loud. Silent.

In those scant moments

of silence, reflection.

Live-wire tension. You

can feel it building.

Something wants to blow.

You can see it, anxious,

in the lift of shoulders.

You can hear it whine.

Implosion imminent.

WHAT LIGHTS THE FUSE

Is an innocent question.

When are we going home?

asks David. Conversation brakes.

Everyone looks at Kristina,

who doesn’t answer right away.

Finally she says,
I don’t know.

Donald stands, clenching

his fists.
Fine by me. Who

wants to live with you, anyway?

He slams his chair back

into the wall, rattling dishes.

Then he stalks off into the other

room. Grandpa Scott says,

Excuse me
, and follows,

leaving all eyes on Kristina.

I can’t go back to our old place
,

she says.
Ron knows where it is
.

Why is everyone so mad at me?

I think about chiming in, and

so does Grandma Marie. But

it is Hunter who opens his mouth.

Hunter
MAYBE IT’S THE EGGNOG

I had a couple, heavily spiked,

before we sat down to dinner.

Maybe it’s just Kristina’s wide-

eyed pretense of innocence.

Whatever it is, I’ve had enough

of her acting like she gives a shit

about anyone but herself. “Look

at us, Kristina. I mean, take a few

minutes of your precious time

and really look at what you’ve done.”

My voice amplifies with each word.

“Every one of us at this table has

been hurt by you. Some of us have

been crushed—no, annihilated,

and all because of you loving yourself

best of all….” Nikki rests her hand

on mine. I stop, not for Kristina’s sake,

but because Nikki wants me to.

Autumn
HUNTER’S OUTBURST

Is completely unexpected.

The sound of yelling, so close

to me, jump-starts the race

of my heart. My fingers go numb.

I close my eyes. Concentrate

on my breathing. Deep in. Hold.

Trickle out. Deep in. Hold …

Nobody notices. Good.

Eyes still clamped shut, I hear

Kristina respond.
You’re wrong.

I don’t love myself at all. In fact
,

I can hardly look at myself

in the mirror some days. Don’t

you think I know what I’ve done?

It’s not that I don’t care. But

I can’t change anything now.

Heart still too quick, but slowing,

I open my eyes just in time

to see Kristina’s tough facade

crumble and fall away with the words …