Fart Squad (8 page)

B
ack at school, Stan took custody of the “special” burritos, saving them until the Fart Squad was needed again.

“Because that's the thing about farts,” the janitor explained. “Just when you think you're all cleared out, an even bigger one comes along!”

With his farts finally under control, Darren found it easier to sit still in class. He even got a B on his report, which left out the part about the Buttz Curse and the Golden Butt Scratcher. Darren figured nobody would believe that part . . . and it would just upset Miss Priscilly's delicate sensibilities.

“A ‘B' isn't bad,” Andy assured him. “And every little bit of extra credit helps. You just need to find some way to burn off all that crazy energy of yours that doesn't involve getting into trouble.”

“Actually,” Darren said, “I think I know how to do that now.”

“From great farts come mighty winds,” Stan had said, and Darren believed him.

No matter the danger, the Fart Squad was ready to put the stink on the bad guys!

The End . . . for now.

Out of nowhere, the tar pit bubbled and belched. It filled the air with a sour, stomach-turning smell that stank worse than a port-a-potty after a chili cook-off.

But the disgusting smell wasn't the worst thing rising from the pool of sticky black tar. Dozens of school kids on a field trip to the site stared wide-eyed at the pit. Their jaws dropped and their stomachs turned.

A gargantuan scaly head poked up from the gaseous soup. Prehistoric yellow eyes looked around at the modern world. Slimy drool dripped from hungry jaws. The tip of an enormous tail shot up from beneath the gooey surface of the pit. Bubbles burst from the tar, as if someone had let a giant fart rip in the bath, and a moment later, another nauseating burst of stink polluted the air, causing people to gag, plug their noses, and run for their lives.

FARTOSAURUS REX LIVED AGAIN!

EARLIER:

D
arren Stonkadopolis had been looking forward to this field trip for weeks. As a die-hard dinosaur lover, Darren's favorite place to visit was the Buttzville Prehistoric Tar Pit & Museum. He never got tired of the local tourist attraction. Besides the pit itself, the museum contained fossils of ancient creatures trapped in the gooey tar millions of years ago, a museum, gift shop, and dinosaur-themed cafeteria. But the key piece of the museum's collection was the rarest of all dinosaurs, the long-extinct “Buttosaurus.” It was the only one of its type and scientists believed it may have only ever existed in Buttzville.

“Check out those razor-sharp teeth,” Darren said, pointing out to his best friend, Andy Blackman, as they admired the colossal skeleton, which towered above them on its hind legs outside the museum. Rows of sawlike fangs lined the dinosaur's bony jaws. “That's how you know it was a meat-eater. A predator!”

Andy probably already knew that, Darren figured. His friend was one of the brainiest kids at Buttzville Elementary School after all. But Darren couldn't resist raving about the skeleton and dinosaurs in general. They were just too cool to keep quiet about.

“Boy, wouldn't you like to see one of these in real life!”

Andy peered at the ferocious-looking skull through a thick pair of glasses. The tar had stained the bones a dark brown color. “Actually, I think I like keeping one hundred fifty million years between us.”

While the entire fourth grade explored the paved pathways around the tar pit, the teacher in charge, Miss Priscilly, tried to keep all the children under control. She only had Stan, the school janitor, to help. He had also come along as an extra chaperone. The hardest kid to mind was also the richest—Harry Buttz Jr. The school and the town were named after his father. They still owned half of Buttzville. That's why Harry felt he could ignore the safety rail surrounding the pit and go in to get a closer look.

“Unhand me!” Harry squealed, when Stan grabbed him by the collar to save him from falling in. “I'll have your job!” he harrumphed as he tugged at his collar.

“Children, children!” Miss Priscilly called out. “Gather round and pay attention, while our host, Professor Paleo, kindly explains the educational value of this site.”

The elderly museum curator had been conducting the tar pit tour ever since Darren was a little kid. He was a good friend of Darren's. Frizzy white hair escaped from under the pith helmet he wore. Professor Paleo winked at Darren before launching into his lecture, which Darren practically knew by heart:

“Millions of years ago, a prehistoric swamp existed where Buttzville now is. Liquid tar seeped up from the earth and created a deceptively deep pool. Dinosaurs and other primitive animals would wander over and some were unlucky enough to fall in it. Unlucky for them, but lucky for us. Their fossils were preserved in the pit when the tar hardened into thick, solid sludge. We've extracted many fossils from this site, such as that Buttosaurus skeleton on display over there. It is one of an entire genus of large-butted, vicious flesh-eating dinosaurs. Nobody knows how deep the pit goes, or what else might be trapped down there, preserved forever by the tar. . . .”

SEAMUS PILGER
is an award-winning fartologist and a burrito enthusiast. He first became interested in superfartabilities while studying the alternate forms of propulsion for space travel. While intergalactic gastroenterological propulsion failed, Seamus has made many discoveries in the fermentation of foods in humans. Seamus is a graduate at FRT. He is a lifelong vegetarian and lives on a bean farm in Minnesota.

STEPHEN GILPIN
is the award-winning illustrator of dozens of children's books and has worked for tons of awesome clients. He lives and works with his wife, Angie, in Hiawatha, Kansas.

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Cover art © 2015 by Stephen Gilpin

Design by Victor Joseph Ochoa

FART SQUAD
. Text copyright © 2015 by Full Fathom Five, LLC. Illustrations copyright © 2015 by Full Fathom Five, LLC. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Pilger, Seamus.

   Fart Squad / by Seamus Pilger. — First edition.

      pages cm — (Fart squad ; 1)

   Summary: After their lunches are stolen, Harry Buttz Elementary School students Darren, Tina, Juan-Carlos, and Walter eat radioactive burritos that give each a strange ability—along with serious gas—which, with training by Janitor Stan, may help them foil Number Two and the BO twins' evil plan.

   ISBN 978-0-06-236631-3 (hardback) — ISBN 978-0-06-229045-8 (pbk.)

   EPub Edition March 2015 ISBN 9780062290465

   [1. Flatulence—Fiction. 2. Ability—Fiction. 3. Middle schools—Fiction. 4. Schools—Fiction. 5. Janitors—Fiction. 6. Humorous stories.] I. Title.

15 16 17 18 19
CG
/
RRDH
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

FIRST EDITION

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